Not sure what the hell happened...?

[Chinook]

Okay this is going to be a bit long winded... please bear with me.

 

Not sure if some of you will recall but I was single for a long time. Last November I started dating a guy. Pretty much everything seemed to be going really well. We met through a circle of mutual friends at a social gathering - but basically he lives 160 miles (256 Km) away from me which is around a 3 hour drive. That said, we've worked logistics so that he stays with me during the week and 'works from home' and then at weekend he sees his two children. Practicalities and logistics I don't have any problem with and I feel like I'm more than accommodating and understanding of his issues (I don't have kids). We spend alot of time together even with the distance issues. It was seeming to work until last week sometime. Everything seemed okay until I noticed his contact getting less and less and then finally on Thursday I didn't hear from him at all. This was highly unusual - never happened before at all... and for two people who were relatively close, I was very surprised.

 

So I asked him on Friday what was up. Basically he said he'd been having a hard time with fitting everything in, dealing with some personal issues and couldn't talk to me. I accepted that - even though part of the premise of 'us' is supposed to be that we don't actually shut each other out of what's going on with us. He has pushed for this alot more than I have. It felt kinda wrong. All day Friday communications were difficult and it kinda felt like he was pushing me to make a decision - so I did just that. What upset me was it felt like he wanted it and I definitely couldn't cope any longer with the bloody emotional tennis going on. So I called it quits. No response. Didn't seem to be that bothered. That really upset me and kinda confirmed that the decision to end things was what he wanted too.

 

Friday night, I couldn't sleep and all day Saturday I was really upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm not usually demonstrably needy or emotional - but Saturday I was really upset. I really had fallen for this guy. So - I sent him a text sms asking why he seemed okay with it and how things got to where they were. He finally replied and said he didn't know and that he couldn't understand how two people who actually love one another can't seem to make things work. I asked to see him.

 

So, I drove the 3 hours to his place and we talked. When I got there he asked was I okay and I said 'do I look okay to you..?' Of course I wasn't. I asked him to talk to me. He did. It turns out that he thinks that the relationship is all about me. Everything revolves around me... dates, time, emotions, energy - everything. I explained that this isn't strictly the case. I give a hell of alot to him. I was pretty insular and defensive when I met him and somehow he got me to open up and to share myself with him and trust him. I tell him about my day and I do lots of things for him. Take him places, let him in etc. I am not sure how he came to think that it's a one-sided relationship... except that he doesn't give and my providing for his needs is pretty difficult because all I have to go on is bloody guess work. He asked what I meant and I explained that I have no idea why he is in the relationship with me, no idea how he feels about me on a day-to-day basis and because he's said he loves me one time, I'm supposed to just KNOW that - with the distance it's pretty hard to get any feedback. Anyhow he was also saying that he doesn't feel like he can ASK me for what he needs. So I asked him if things were so bad, why is he still there...?! I don't get it, if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, you don't even go there do you...?!

 

Problem for me is, I'm not sure this isn't a manipulation tactic. Simple reason I think this is now... I'm the one feeling insecure and unhappy - whereas before I thought everything seemed okay. I assumed he would tell me if it wasn't and he didn't. I had to guess and push for it to happen. He would have been happy to just let things slide. The problem now is, I can't effectively communicate or ask for what I need because I'm afraid of "making it all about me" again in his eyes. I worked out today he wanted something (was another demand on his time which clashes with him spending time with me) and instead of him asking for it - he manipulated the situation so that I ended up saying "actually, you're free to do what you like, I don't mind" and I wasn't able to add "I will miss you" because that would make it about me and my needs.

 

Thing is this is now a vicious circle and I don't really know how to break it. I feel like crap and I don't know how I got to being fairly self-assertive to being someone who can't ask for what she wants from the person who is supposed to care about her the most. His main issue is that he's so busy putting everyone else first, he gets left behind and ends up frustrated and tired. Consequently, I'm feeling like I'm treading on eggshells and having to ask him directly what exactly it is he wants and what he needs from me. So this resulted in him today telling me that he wanted to do some particular thing at the weekend - I don't want to do it, but now I don't feel like I can say I don't want to do it - because it's all about me isn't it.

 

Anyone give me any pointers as how to approach breaking this cycle..? Also, I'll be seeing him tomorrow so I intend to bring it up and talk to him then.

[sunshinegirl]

Mmm, that's a bummer.

 

Sounds like maybe you need to talk a bit more about how to make it more of an even playing field - meaning that you both need to figure out how to give and receive what the other needs. Whether your BF's perception was right that it was all about you, that doesn't mean now that it should all be about him.

 

From what I've gathered, he seems to want more - what, time spent on his activities? air time? attention? - from you; you want more affirmation of his feelings for you.

 

So talk about both sides of this coin; even consider sharing with him the dilemma you feel like you're in now ("I feel like I shouldn't even tell you I'll miss you because I'm worried you'll misinterpret it").

 

Does that make any sense?

[Chinook]

Hi Sunshine Girl

 

Yeah, that does make sense. It seems ludicrous and crazy that we can't voice our opinions. I do think he does have some self-esteem issues because I constantly try to tell him that he's as good at some things, if not better than I am. Sometimes, it's almost as if he's not happy unless he's doing the 'caring' for me - but to do that he has to hurt me first. A good example of this is a couple of weeks ago we were playing around just before bed and he called me a 'whore' (just by chance and he was joking). Now, in the UK that's completely a 'no, no'. I was (imo) justifiably upset and I told him so. The following day I couldn't get my head around how anyone could say that to me - even joking and I told him so. I was hurt. I asked him to leave the house and give me some space.

 

When I'm troubled, I have this ruling not to do things in haste and I apply the 24 hour rule. I did that and afterwards I felt better. I told him that maybe I had over-reacted and maybe we both could have done things differently. On one level, I felt like I was being reasonable because I was giving him a chance to apologise (which he did with a huge bouquet of flowers) but on another level, I also felt like I'd been manipulated into 'letting him off' and putting my own hurt aside. I felt that making him feel better was important because he really was sorry - so laying aside my own hurt was justifiable.

 

Problem is now, I am thinking how many times can I do that...? I'm trying not to see patterns here but this is the third or fourth time that I've been the one hurt, but I've been the one mending things too.