in over my head?

[citygal24]

I am in a major dilemma. I am dating two guys and I don’t know which one to choose.

I have never done this before and am not the type of person to even do this or consider it, but things happened time-wise to where I ended up like this. I will try to sum it up as quick as possible...I apologize for the length but I do need your advice.

I had a ‘crush’ on this guy at work (Guy 1) for quite some time, a few months...no reason really, I just found him strangely attractive and interesting and was intrigued after we talked a few times. Turned out, he asked me out the first week of January.

He is of a different culture, and while I rarely date a person of my own culture anyway, he is VERY traditional and somewhat naive and conservative in his ways. I am somewhat liberal, but I have a very traditional conservative side of me as well, especially when it comes to relationships, love, marriage, etc. He is also a lot older than me (by 8 years) which puts me in my mid-ish 20s and him in his early 30s.

So while we were dating the first month, we came across some ‘issues’ so to speak and things were a bit rocky. I’ve never been in a relationship where things were rocky within the first few weeks of dating. Basically, he is lacking a bit in the social skills department and also had a very unusual sense of humor that it took a bit for me to get used to it...now we are cracking up all the time. So, because of this, things were a little confusing in the beginning because its almost as though we had some ‘kinks’ to work out.

Well, there was one discussion we had with him getting really upset over one of our differences and he (or so I thought) broke up with me. The morning after this, we both took off on our respective trips for a few days due to a work break. So we didn’t talk. When I returned, I still didn’t see him, and right around that weekend, one of my guy friends (Guy 2) basically told me he really wanted to date me, that he had been interested for some time and asked me out. I thought- sure, why not? So I went. However, soon after that, Guy 1 called, we had a long talk, he told me he never meant to say the things he did, he was upset, and things were back on, although I was still a little resentful & hurt over what had happened. (Lately Im over it, just because hes redeemed himself and things have improved re: that issue).

Well Guy 2 and I went out, and we are majorly compatible in all ways, at least it seems thus far. The catch is, his best friend is my best friend, and he had a ‘moment’ with this mutual friend of ours in the past. They kissed and messed around once or twice, nothing ever happened, but she is very sensitive and I am worried if it would go anywhere that it would affect our friendship...something that is more important to me than a guy. In fact, Guy 2 and her talked yesterday about it and as much as she is saying ‘go for it’, he told me that she did seem to have some negative feelings about it.

Now. After the date with Guy 2, I considered ending things with Guy 1...just b/c Guy 2 seemed to be more into me. Until Guy 1 showed up at my house, telling me I was everything that he wanted, he only wanted to be with me, and that he was going to do anything he could to prove that, because he felt that he was pushing me away by not expressing what he felt and by not giving things 100% (its like he read my mind). And since then he’s been a dream...he has been proving it and I have felt really close to him lately.

However, Guy 2 has also been pursuing me, and he is fun, and I am starting to get really, REALLY stressed out. For one, I feel guilty. Guy 2 has already expressed that he hates it when girls date 2 guys at once...I just sat there in silence with a lump in my throat. Guy 1...I think he thinks we’re exclusive although we’ve never had the talk. And I know I need to pick one before I lose both.

I just honestly dont know which one to pick. I know who I am leaning toward, and that is Guy 1...we have more of a history (over 2 months), and he has this purity about him that is rare to find. I think the reason we’ve had some issues this early is because he is just pure and uninhibited...he doesn’t try to impress me to reel me in and then show me his true colors after a year. He’s shown me his true colors from Day 1, haha. We work together so we each other every day and its so much fun- our daily schedules overlap. However, we are very different. What happens if we end up together and we disagree on how to raise kids, etc. etc.? Guy 2 lives within walking distance from me and we have the same friends and even the same birthday...it would be so easy to be with him. Im scared to choose Guy 1 and let go of Guy 2 knowing how different we are and how complicated things can get with us...however, lately I think I want to. But with Guy 2 , its just EASY, and I can’t ignore that. Will I regret this 2 years from now if Guy 1 and I don’t work out and I wish I would have picked the other one? Thats what I worry about.

I am starting to wake up every day with a knot in my stomach and I know I need to make a decision soon...Ive only hung out with Guy 2 twice, but we’ve been friends for a bit, and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone because of my selfishness, but this is the first time in my life that I am trying to put myself first and make a good choice...its just so hard with the way the timing has worked out.

Guy 1 wants me to go to Spain with him for the summer, and I really want to go- I even have people wanting to sublet my apartment. But I know I can’t if Im dating Guy 2...obviously, so I havent bought the ticket. But in the back of my mind, I want to go. I just worry, because things with Guy 2 and I are so easy and compatible...would I be a fool to give that up for someone that I feel for but have my doubts because things aren’t compatible all the time? Guy 1 seems to be putting his sweat and tears into making us work and its starting to really win me over, but am I making a mistake?

Help...I really cant keep going on like this and am so afraid to hurt someone.

[TheSwordfish]

What strikes me is the fact you didn't just tell them. I usually just say, well I date multiple girls, so beware Well not that specificly.

 

Problem is you gave them both the idea that you are only dating one of them. You should cut the knot (is that an English expression as well?) and just choose one.

 

My gut tells me you should ditch the conservative guy. Why stick with someone with views you don't agree with at all. For a fling that would'nt be a problem but in the long term.....

[citygal24]

Well yeah, I agree with you-- the problem as to why I didn't tell them is because I wasn't (in my mind) dating Guy 1 when Guy 2 decided to ask me out; I had thought it ended. Then when Guy 1 showed up again, I was only going out on one date with Guy 2 and I didn't think we would be great together...just thought it would be harmless. Now, here I am, and I know I need to pick one before I go insane, especially because Im pretty sure neither one knows and I cant perpetuate this situation any longer; its just not right, morally-speaking.

My problem is exactly what you said in the last sentence- I can see myself with Guy 1 more right now. We have a pretty short but involved 2.5 months under our belt, whereas Guy 2 has 2 dates and an acquaintance-ship (is that a word?). However, when I think of very long-term, like marriage, thats where I get stuck, because I know the general advice people give is to pick someone with exactly the same (or similar) views as you have...and Guy 1 has those, but hes much more conservative then me...which makes me worry.

So Im just hesitant that Im making a huge mistake if I choose Guy 2. And I wish I had more time to decide, but Im starting to think that more time will only make things more difficult, and Im panicking.

I could tell Guy 2 Im dating someone else I suppose, and maybe his reaction will decide for me, but I dont know how telling him will help any, because I still have to make a decision at some point.

??????

[kribby]

Hm... I got lost in your explanation.

 

How is it going now? Have you made a decision?