markfromark Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 how do you get through the past-honeymoon phase? First of all how do you ever get out of it. In a regular relationship you spend lots of time together, maybe a weekend getaway once in a while, maybe a vaction, the holidays etc. All that is usually not possible with a MW/MM. So I can imagine that an A stays in the honeymoon phase for a long time. My question to those of you in long term As with MW/MM is why do you continue to put effort into such a difficult relationship once you are out of the honeymoon phase? I could imagine that after the first fight I have with my MW that I would just stop seeing her. Because of all the extra effort that goes into this relationship it's just not worth to have problems with a person who is not available. After fights who tries to amend more often? The OW/OM or the MM/MW?
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Unfortunately it seems on here, once an affair gets out of the honeymoon stage, that's when the real problems start to happen. The married person isn't getting the 'fun and exciting, fantasy' stuff out of it anymore, and it becomes TOO real and a real relationship. You don't get to deal with the bad and ugly stuff in life, just all the good stuff, which is why most MM/MW head for the hills once the honeymoon phase ends. YET, I think that the married person still loves to have the attention from their OM/OW, which is why they won't end it. Too selfish and needs to have all their needs met by TWO people.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Unfortunately it seems on here, once an affair gets out of the honeymoon stage, that's when the real problems start to happen. The married person isn't getting the 'fun and exciting, fantasy' stuff out of it anymore, and it becomes TOO real and a real relationship. You don't get to deal with the bad and ugly stuff in life, just all the good stuff, which is why most MM/MW head for the hills once the honeymoon phase ends. YET, I think that the married person still loves to have the attention from their OM/OW, which is why they won't end it. Too selfish and needs to have all their needs met by TWO people. Gosh, imagine what would happen if you throw "the bad stuff" in on top of the honey moon phase ending! Bills to pay, teen wrecks the car, yard needs to be mowed, no gas because teen has been filling up out of the garage, soccer at noon, not to mention the job related stresses. This fantasy is no longer a fantasy, it's no longer an escape, now it becomes reality and is no longer useful. MM, MW have a reality, what they need to cope iwth it is a fantasy so......NEXT!
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Honeymoon Phase? LOL. With all the issues that are involved with being in this type of relationship is there really ever a honeymoon phase? As far as a regular relationship and spending lots of time together etc. In my relationship we spend alot of time together. Everyday. We do things together. There are the weekends we spend together. And again like I said if you are dealing with the the issues of this type of relationship when did the honeymoon phase start and end? Maybe before all the emotions got involved. We go through all the problems because we know what we want to result at the end of all of this. We want a future. As far as who amends the most. I can only answer what happens in our relationship. we both work at mending things equally as hard. We do what we have to do , because thats what we want. In our relationship we have had many fights ( because of the issues ) we have even gone through getting caught. I guess like in any relationship you put the effort in it if you want the relationship to work and truly care and love the person. Bailing on the relationship after the first fight. Hmmm, was it a relationship at all then? how do you get through the past-honeymoon phase? First of all how do you ever get out of it. In a regular relationship you spend lots of time together, maybe a weekend getaway once in a while, maybe a vaction, the holidays etc. All that is usually not possible with a MW/MM. So I can imagine that an A stays in the honeymoon phase for a long time. My question to those of you in long term As with MW/MM is why do you continue to put effort into such a difficult relationship once you are out of the honeymoon phase? I could imagine that after the first fight I have with my MW that I would just stop seeing her. Because of all the extra effort that goes into this relationship it's just not worth to have problems with a person who is not available. After fights who tries to amend more often? The OW/OM or the MM/MW?
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 This is true in some relationships. We have seen that on this forum alot. Unfortunately it seems on here, once an affair gets out of the honeymoon stage, that's when the real problems start to happen. The married person isn't getting the 'fun and exciting, fantasy' stuff out of it anymore, and it becomes TOO real and a real relationship. You don't get to deal with the bad and ugly stuff in life, just all the good stuff, which is why most MM/MW head for the hills once the honeymoon phase ends. YET, I think that the married person still loves to have the attention from their OM/OW, which is why they won't end it. Too selfish and needs to have all their needs met by TWO people.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Yes, but you aren't a part of his life in the sense of being included with his friends, family, neighbours, work functions. You miss out on that part of his life. Sure, you two HAVE time together, but it's an affair - Second to his primary life.
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 In a relationship that is really a relationship there are "the bad stuff" also. we have so many issues "bad stuff" to contend with. When you spend so much time with someone you have everything to go through. I might not deal with certain things. Like the teen using the car etc.. But I deal with a fair share. We have bills to deal with. Repairs in the house. Dr appts. Family issues. Etc... Again only in a real relationship is when there are real issues. Unfortuntaley no alot of these types of relationships dont follow under that "real relationship" statement. Gosh, imagine what would happen if you throw "the bad stuff" in on top of the honey moon phase ending! Bills to pay, teen wrecks the car, yard needs to be mowed, no gas because teen has been filling up out of the garage, soccer at noon, not to mention the job related stresses. This fantasy is no longer a fantasy, it's no longer an escape, now it becomes reality and is no longer useful. MM, MW have a reality, what they need to cope iwth it is a fantasy so......NEXT!
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 No I am not involved with the neighbors. I cant say I am fully out of everything else. I know certain members of the family as he knows mine. We have friends that know about us. His friends. Not many though. Work functions : I am not uninvolved in that either. I am not saying that ALL of these types of relationships following in the same suit. Many dont. Then I agree why put the effort in them. Yes, but you aren't a part of his life in the sense of being included with his friends, family, neighbours, work functions. You miss out on that part of his life. Sure, you two HAVE time together, but it's an affair - Second to his primary life.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 In a relationship that is really a relationship there are "the bad stuff" also. we have so many issues "bad stuff" to contend with. When you spend so much time with someone you have everything to go through. I might not deal with certain things. Like the teen using the car etc.. But I deal with a fair share. We have bills to deal with. Repairs in the house. Dr appts. Family issues. Etc... Again only in a real relationship is when there are real issues. Unfortuntaley no alot of these types of relationships dont follow under that "real relationship" statement. Then he is living a double life.
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 What we have to do for the time being. We are looking at what is important right now. So we make this work and do what we have to for the time being. Not saying it isnt rough but we do it. Then he is living a double life.
Author markfromark Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 yousaveme, you seem to have a rather unusual relationship with your MW (or are you the MM?) because you are able to spend a great deal of with with your SO. Most of the people don't seem to have the luxury of spending much time with their MM/MW. Those of us who are the OW/OM have to figure out how to get into the post-honeymoon phase and figure out whether it's worth it to pursue further. At this point I don't see it happening with my MW. I've been only seeing her for a month now and I might be a bit naive here, which is why I am trying to learn on this forum.
yousaveme Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I have been told what my MM and I share is not the norm for this type of relationship. We have been together a year as of Jan. yousaveme, you seem to have a rather unusual relationship with your MW (or are you the MM?) because you are able to spend a great deal of with with your SO. Most of the people don't seem to have the luxury of spending much time with their MM/MW. Those of us who are the OW/OM have to figure out how to get into the post-honeymoon phase and figure out whether it's worth it to pursue further. At this point I don't see it happening with my MW. I've been only seeing her for a month now and I might be a bit naive here, which is why I am trying to learn on this forum.
stillhere Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Honeymoon phase........hmmmmm. I would say that we are still somewhat in this phase after 18 months (I'm the OW), but we do have the normal trials and tribulations that most "normal" couples deal with. I don't spend a huge amount of quality time with him. We do talk every day, several times a day. We do see each other 3-4 times a week. We do have discussions. I wouldn't say "fights", but some may say that's what they are. We argue about stupid things, sometimes big things, but we always work them out. At times, i'm the one bringing up problems or something that is bothering me, many times it's him. We talk about what we are feeling and why, and together, as a couple, we come to an agreement. I'm lucky in the sense that my MM likes to have "talks". Instead of pulling away when he knows it's coming, he meets me head on. I then know his feelings and he knows mine. We are very open and honest with each other and i have yet to meet a man like him. Will we ever work out and be a "normal" couple. Someday i hope, but if we don't, we will be good friends. As close as we are, i can't ever see us hating each other. But then again, one never knows what the future will hold!
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