From Baghdad! Girlfriend with Abandonment Issues.

[Flanker7]

I had been dating and in love with a girl since march of 06' and in Feb. 07' she breaks up with me while I'm in Baghdad with the National Guard . It's complicated.

 

We both loved each other very much and talked about the future together and where we would move when we graduated college in a year. We spent almost every single day and night together for most of the time we were dating. Everyone commented on how perfect of a couple we were and we thought the same thing. We barely ever had any fights or arguments. It was basically smooth sailing with a few exceptions and until this February.

 

In January I left for Iraq and everything was going fine. I was only going to be gone 4 months and we were so in love that, at least I thought, my being away wouldn't cause any problems. She said she couldn't stop crying herself to sleep for the first few weeks I was gone. Every email, phone call, or instant message from her ended with an "I love you and miss you more than anything." I had thought I'd given my heart to the right girl. Then, just a few days after an "I love you so much" email she says "she wants time and space" As if being half way around the world wasn't enough space. And days after that she says she wants a break.

 

She became so hostile with everything and piled up all these little reasons on top of each other that seemed small. She acted as if they were huge reasons. She didn't sound like the same person. I was devastated.

 

After 2 weeks of complete dark despair, I began to pull myself together and tried to rationalize what was going on with her. I began to despise her a little as people were telling me how horrible she was for doing this to me while I'm in Iraq. By the fourth week after the break my anger was growing and I began pointing out to myself all the messed up problems she had and how she had me thinking that she was so deeply in love with me, then suddenly she talks to me like she doesn't know me anymore:mad:. I began listing things about her that I would eventually want to discuss with her. (She said we could talk when I get back so I've been trying to not contact her to respect her 'space'). As I was listing things such as selfishness, immaturity, etc. etc., and reasons these applied to her, I eventually came to "abandonment issues" and started to list reasons for this and how it affects her. I googled "abandonment issues" to get some insight on what might be going on with her. What I found opened my eyes and made me realize that her abandonment issues, not her problems with me, may be a huge reason for her wanting a break .

 

As I read several testimonies online I felt like I was reading a story about her and our relationship. All of my anger turned to sympathy for her .

 

Here are some things she had told me about her past which I never thought was affecting our relationship until reading about abandonment issues.

 

1. Her parents divorced when she was 5 or 6. She lived with her dad, who she said was the "perfect" dad up until she was 12 and he remarried, left her with her mom, and has never talked to her since.

 

2. Her mom never wanted anything to do with her before her dad left her with her at 12. She said she felt that she never had a real mother daughter relationship with her mom. Although the last couple years her mother has been becoming closer to her.

 

3. She had been sexually abused by her step-father when she was 13. This resulted in a court process that declared him innocent.

 

4. Before she met me she had been broken up with her ex for 6 months. She said she was in a stage where she didn't want anything to do with guys, but that I swept her off her feet.

 

Now I'll list the things that, until now, I didn't realize related to her abandonment issues.

 

1. Although I was willing to do anything for her, more and more as we were dating she would tell me that I never did the "little" things for her. I began doing more little things, but it seemed to go unnoticed by her and she would bring complain about it even more.

 

2. She wanted to spend every single moment with me. I just went along with it because I loved her and loved being with her, so I never really got the chance to see that this was a problem of hers.

3. For the first week or two that I was here in Baghdad she began complaining about my lack of contact with her. I did have access to the internet and phones, but we had been so busy getting situated that I was always busy, tired, or just trying to get adjusted to this place. I did call her a couple times a week though and after I got situated I called every night. No amount of excuses would satisfy her and this is one of the many small things she blew out of proportion when she was breaking up with me.

 

4. Also, when breaking up with me she blew up about the fact that I didn't do something "special" for her before I left, as she had put together a scrap book for me of us and also organized and collected a bunch of hand written good luck notes from my friends for me to take. I spent every minute I could with her and took her out to dinner every night. Christmas had passed less than 2 weeks before I left and I spent about $600 on a gold necklace and many other things (I am a college student, so that is a lot). But she was still extremely upset that I didn't do anything "Special" the few days before I left. It's like everyone here in my squadron says, "What were you supposed to do for her? You are the one leaving for war, not her." (I didn't tell her that i felt that way) On top of that I was extremely busy preparing to deploy.

 

5. On top of all this she piled up every single flaw and issue of mine, which she knew I was always trying to improve on and that she never had a problem with before. She made these flaws her reasons for needing a break.

 

I have not talked to her on the phone in over 4 weeks. I emailed her once telling her I understood where she was coming from. She responded with a mix of "thank you for understanding, you are such a great person" and "You have so many problems and are so selfish". Kind of confusing. I emailed her a calm, kind, non-gushy, email once more 2 weeks ago and she has not responded. I'm going to try not to contact her until she responds or until I get back in May.

 

I really believe that abandonment issues are causing her many emotional problems. I didn't realize it until now. Whether or not we ever work our relationship out, I still care very deeply for her and I think she needs to confront these problems and possibly get help if she ever wants to have a lasting relationship. I have no idea how to suggest this to her, especially since she seems to not want to have contact with me now. There is so many ways that suggesting she needs help could come across as if I'm just trying to put blame on her. But I truly want to help her. I left to go to war 100% confident she loved me and suddenly I'm stuck here fighting a war in my heart and head .

 

How should I approach this? Any advice is helpful, especially from someone who has experience with abandonment issues.

 

Thank you

[LakesideDream]

Dear John letters to guys in the "soup" are about the worse thing one person can do to another in this world.

 

Your girlfriend is very immature, and needs someone to hold her hand daily. You are doing your duty to your country and cannot be there for her. I scares her. The only thing you can do is try and put your thoughts for her on the back burner. Stay combat capable.

 

Oh... and don't bother with her when you get back to the world. There are many women who will consider what you did for THEM without knowing they existed was pretty special.

 

Buck up soldier, keep breathing secure in the knowledge that you dodged another bullet... this one from back home.

 

Thank you for what you are doing for your country. Semper Fi.

[Auqakuh]

<snip - thread-starting post>

 

Sometimes, when you know someone really, really well, and they suddenly seem a different person, there's a damn good reason.

 

It's because they're exactly who you thought they were.

 

When some human beings are afraid, they put on masks. (This is a well-known psychological trait.) This often involves driving away whoever seems to be causing the fear.

 

She misses you. It sounds like it's just too much for her and she doesn't know how to cope. She's afraid she'll lose you, that you'll be killed, and that she won't see you again - so if she cuts you off -now-, it won't hurt so much if she hears about it. Of course it's -stupid-, it's -irrational-, it -makes no sense at all- - but that's exactly what it sounds like. Rather than face a point of loss outside of her control, she loses you on -her- terms.

 

While it may seem hurtful, sometimes things are simply too much, and we don't know how to respond. When that happens we react in ways we look back on later - and we don't really understand why we did what we did. But if one pain is lesser than another pain, wouldn't you choose the lesser?

 

Be as understanding as you can. Tell her you understand that your being away from home in a place of danger is incredibly difficult for her - tell her that you plan on coming home - that nothing will stop you - if it's true.

 

But she is clearly used to being hurt. This is something -she- feels she can control - by pushing you away she prevents the pain she expects. After all, things go wrong for her. Why should this be any different?

 

It's evasive... and it's natural. There's a good reason why the wives of men far from home fighting in other lands are often statistically more likely to cheat - they're -scared-. If they get close to someone else, they don't have to think about what might be. It's wholly irrational, mate, but it's human.

 

(I'm not saying she's cheating on you, mind.)

 

As I said, just be as understanding as you can. I don't think staying out of contact with her is going to help either of you, in truth. She may well contact you herself before too long, unless I'm misunderstanding a whole lot. You two need to talk your way through this - even if it ends up being talking your way out of the relationship. You talk your way into a relationship - so you should talk your way out, as well.

[Crazy for Crazy]

I can sorta relate man, except in my situation she was deployed and I wasn't (both military). She was gone for a year (we were together for two years before) and planned on living together when she got back (and subsequently out), but a month before redeploying she started to get cold feet. Instead of abandonment issues, mine had commitment issues- everything was cool until the reality of actually living together and building some kind of life together stared her in the face.

 

My only advice is you have to let her decide. It's been four months since then for me, and we're so far apart now (physically and emotionally) that it's pretty apparent we're not gonna get back together. So maybe she won't make the decision you want her to. All you can do is tell her the truth, that you love her and want to be with her, and let her decide from there. She's gotta make the move and deal with her issues, and if she can then you're good to go. If she can't...at least take some solace in the fact that she's probably not too happy with herself now, and eventually she'll take this experience and learn from it...just as you will.

 

Keep your head down over there bro.

[Gunny376]

I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant with 20 years in the Corps!

 

Dump this broad like a bad habit! Forget her!

 

"I need 'time and space' is code that she's scroggin' someone else!

 

Just that plain! Just that simple!

 

And, don't go beating yourself up over it! What's he got that you don't? He's there, you're not! Her shallowness alone is enough reason to dump her!

[LakesideDream]

Sad but true Guns, I was trying to be a little more diplomatic.