markfromark Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hello, I am a fresh OM falling hard for a MW. She says that she had not had a physical relationship with her husband for years but they are best friends. So far so good, I can live with that. However, looking into the future after she has divorced her husband and we get together, I wonder whether the fact that she cheated on her husband will always stand between us (from my point of view)? I know most people on this board are OWs but the problem is the same. Some of you hope that MM gets a divorce and will be with OW. How does OW deal with the fact that she is living with a *former* cheater? No matter what reasons MM had, won't it be always in the back of your head that he might do the same with you as he did with his wife? Don't you lose respect for MM if he cheats on his wife with you? Any thoughts on this are appreciated. I am thinking to tell my MW to figure out what she wants before we continue this. As much as I am in love with her, I am afraid that I can not respect her for lying to her husband.
TheAngelicArtist Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 What do you do when you want to see the good in someone? You ignore the bad. You ignore everything...until it is too late, of course. I was just thinking the same thing tonight. A wonderful married man, who is such an incredibly good person, has hit on me multiple times. I look at him and I wonder, "is that really who you are? The type of man who would cheat on your wife? If so, how can I continue to see the good in you unless I am deluding myself?" WHen I face it it is truly disheartening. It is much nicer to ignore it...I suppose thats why so many people get themselves in a complete mess. It is nicer to ignore the truth! I suppose we all have to pick and choose our battles. You can battle the part of you that wants to see the truth in someone, or you can just see it for what it is. It sucks. But its better to face the truth before it is too late. Unless, of course, thats what you want...to see the truth when it is too late. P.S. I love the "best friends" line. She is smooth. I thought only men used that! LOL
norajane Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hello, I am a fresh OM falling hard for a MW. She says that she had not had a physical relationship with her husband for years but they are best friends. So far so good, I can live with that. However, looking into the future after she has divorced her husband and we get together, I wonder whether the fact that she cheated on her husband will always stand between us (from my point of view)? As a 'fresh' OM, you may not yet realize that your fantasy of her leaving her husband will probably never come to fruition. Or if she does leave, you are likely to be her 'exit affair' - the man she has an affair with to gain courage/determination to leave her husband, but then drops once she is free. Or she might leave you shortly after she is free of her marriage because she needs to process the divorce emotions and wants to date other men for a while before being in a serious relationship again. So, you may wish to step back for those reasons in addition to the respect factor and former cheater issue. There are other OM who post here - please search for ratingsguy's threads among others. I am thinking to tell my MW to figure out what she wants before we continue this. This is an excellent idea. Not only will you avoid all kinds of heartache for yourself, you won't be wasting years of your life on someone who may never leave her 'best friend'.
NightStarr8 Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 No matter what reasons MM had, won't it be always in the back of your head that he might do the same with you as he did with his wife? Anyone I have a serious relationship with is capable of making the wrong choice to cheat when there are problems. Don't you lose respect for MM if he cheats on his wife with you? It depends on whether he resolves the situation and how he resolves it. He made wrong choices, choices I don't agree with. He has learned from those mistakes, grown as a person and in similar situations in the future, he has the knowledge and skills to choose better options. No, I don't think in the future that infidelity will be at the top of his list as an option for running away from his problems.
overandout Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I know some people say that if he cheats with you he will cheat on you, but this not always the case. I mean if the OW/OM really thought that, why would they hang around waiting for their MW/MM to leave home for them? Just to be cheated on! I think that when things start faltering then the OW/OM start justifying the end of the affair by saying "oh well he/she would only have cheated on me anyway". My cousin had an affair with a mm several years ago when it was considered a huge scandal. Her father tried to split them up but she went back to him. Then she became pregnant and mm did leave home. His wife refused to give him a divorce and in those days in England you had to wait 5 years if the wife didn't consent. My cousin's parents disowned her and refused to have anything to do with her. She had another child and after 5 years once the divorce was finalised, they married. At some stage she reconciled with her parents. He was 28 years older than my cousin and died last year at the age of 89. They had been blissfully happy and there was never any hint that he cheated on her. Just thought I would share this with you as an example that there are "happy ever after stories".
Impudent Oyster Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 So far so good, I can live with that. However, looking into the future after she has divorced her husband and we get together, I wonder whether the fact that she cheated on her husband will always stand between us (from my point of view)? I wouldn't worry about it just yet. The overwhelming majority of WS don't leave their BS's and even if by a very small chance they do, they rarely marry their affair partners. Maybe you want to revisit this after the divorce papers are signed.
MoonGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I think if she is a serial cheater, then you'll always wonder. But, some people always wonder anyway. The other posters are right, most MW don't leave their husbands for OM...they might leave, but usually it is an exit affair.
oyster Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I think if she is a serial cheater, then you'll always wonder. But, some people always wonder anyway. The other posters are right, most MW don't leave their husbands for OM...they might leave, but usually it is an exit affair. I think you are right about the exit affair which provides strengh to leave the confortable misery.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hello, I am a fresh OM falling hard for a MW. She says that she had not had a physical relationship with her husband for years but they are best friends. So far so good, I can live with that. However, looking into the future after she has divorced her husband and we get together, I wonder whether the fact that she cheated on her husband will always stand between us (from my point of view)? She cheated on him...so what makes you think she won't cheat on you? No matter what reasons MM had, won't it be always in the back of your head that he might do the same with you as he did with his wife? Apparantly nobody thinks of that when the hope that the MM/MW leaves their spouse and kids for the "newness" of a fresh relationship. Don't you lose respect for MM if he cheats on his wife with you? again...apparantly not....as long as they are getting "theirs". Any thoughts on this are appreciated. I am thinking to tell my MW to figure out what she wants before we continue this. As much as I am in love with her, I am afraid that I can not respect her for lying to her husband. What about leaving her and finding someone else? Don't tell me that this MW is the ONLY woman that you are attracted to.
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