jbmarine Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Well, I'm past the state of shock that I was in before, but now I have some questions.. The background: Several months ago, I met a woman I fell in love with over the internet. We started communicating, first through a website, then through email, and then via phone. She's married, and had two affairs before she met me. I know one of the guys that she saw before me and I was quite upset that she had seen him because from what I know of him, he is not a good guy. We developed a very strong emotional bond through our months of dialogue, and eventually, decided to meet where she lives (pretty far away.) Several days ago, she sent me an email saying that she still loves me very much, but that it is highly unlikely that she and I can ever have a physical relationship. She wants to try to mend things with her husband. Because I love her so much, and I want what I think is best for her, I fully support her decision to do that and I want to help her out. So, I have 3 questions: 1) Should I be helping her out with this or not? I know that it may not be my business, and that some could still be counting it as an emotional affair, but it is very hard for this woman to do things on her own. 2) Should I meet her to just talk in person, should the opportunity arise? 3) She never plans on telling her husband about the affairs. What is the chance that their marriage will work out? Thank you in advance for any help.
oyster Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hello, welcome to the board. Take it from another OM who got involved with a MW. Your MW told you she had 2 AFFAIRS before you = serial cheater. Which is besides the point. Main point is she is never leaving her hubby. She just wants some boy toys with different flavors. Do not get involve with helping her fix things. She has to fix it solo. All the headaches with no physical action > go find and invest your energy with other single woman. Good luck
Author jbmarine Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 Thank you for your help. I guess I'll just leave it.
stillhere Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I agree with Oyster. He knows what he is talking about. Don't involve yourself as a therapist. You will only continue to hurt yourself and your love for her will not allow you to be a neutral party. It should be easy for you to go NC, since you two don't live near each other. Don't answer her calls, emails, texts, anything. Tell her that she needs to work on her marriage, and to only contact you if she's divorced. I know it won't be easy, but save yourself all the heartache that goes along with an A.
Author jbmarine Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 Yeah, I understand what both of you are saying. Thank you very much for your help. I'm already not as upset as I was before, so hopefully, time will be able to just take care of this hurt.
stillhere Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 It will get easier with time, as time heals all wounds. You knew in your heart that this was going nowhere and you seem to have accepted that already. I wish you luck, but i don't think you need much of it. You have started to move on already. Go out with some friends and have fun. Love finds you when you are least expecting it!
oyster Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I bet you the moment you go No Contact (NC). She will fly out and initiate intimacy. She will give in the physical affair to keep you hook. Bottom line, it is cheaper than therapy and she gets her physical needs meet. 2 birds with 1 stone. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
MoonGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I agree with all of the others here. NC is the way to go! I was a MW with OM who left hubby, BUT sounds like your MW is a serial cheater... mine was an exit affair of sorts since the marriage wasn't nice anyway. If your MW is a serial cheater, she would certainly end up cheating on you too if she and you ever did get together.
Author jbmarine Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 Well, in terms of the affairs, both of them were one time only things. She SAID that she was planning to be with me for a while, and that she no longer contacted her previous OM's. I actually managed to contact one of them, and he said that they (MW and previous OM) were no longer in contact. That's what makes it weird for me. Thanks for all of the replies by the way. I guess all I can do is stay away.
MoonGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Good idea. Even one time sexual affairs = cheating. She is certainly a serial cheater.
Author jbmarine Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 So, in actuality, it's only a short matter of time before she "slips up" again? Gah.
MoonGirl Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Past actions are the best predictors of future actions. So, while you can't ever predict exactly what would happen, I assume she will always cheat based on her past. This is not because she's cheating on her husband with you, but because this is her 3rd affair. I don't think everyone who cheats is a serial cheater.
Author jbmarine Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 Past actions are the best predictors of future actions. So, while you can't ever predict exactly what would happen, I assume she will always cheat based on her past. This is not because she's cheating on her husband with you, but because this is her 3rd affair. I don't think everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Yeah, I see what you're saying. It would just suck to see her break it off with me like that, only to go to someone else who will treat her like nothing. She swore to me up and down that she had never felt the way she did about anyone else the way she felt for me. I know that I was kind and loving to her, but I guess I don't know. Perhaps she's just a liar. I just need to finally get over this, I suppose. Shame I still have these strong feelings for her.
MoonGirl Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Of course she's telling you that she has feelings for you, but that doesn't mean she'll leave her husband or stop having affairs. For some people, affairs are fun because they offer lots of excitement that just doesn't exist in their marriage.
Author jbmarine Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I informed her of the NC today and she wants to take "baby steps." Should I just not respond when she emails me? We've already agreed that nothing will ever happen between us, so that's out of the way. She also says that she's going to give her marriage a "second chance" and that after 3 years, if things are better, she will stay. If not, then she won't. I honestly couldn't care less at this point. I want her to be happy, but I just can't be involved. One question. I never really felt this way about a woman before. Does anyone else get the feeling that they will never find someone that is the same as their previous love? I think that I'll get over it, hopefully. I think it will just take time.
silktricks Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If I read this correctly, that your entire affair has been through electronic correspondence, then it's no wonder that you've never really felt this way about a woman before you've fallen in love with a fantasy rather than a real woman. The allure of dating via the Internet is unfortunate, as the lack of reality allows us to invest whatever features one wishes into the person we are communicating with. Those features, however, are rarely if ever actually a part of the real person. Good luck to you in the future. Get involved in a hobby, and find someone who is real (and not married )
Author jbmarine Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Well, I've spoken with her over the phone before. I know that that means nothing, and you're probably right about the fantasy as well. Thanks for the help. Unfortunately, I met her through my hobby. Guess I need to change hobbies! Thanks again!
Salicious Crumb Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 3) She never plans on telling her husband about the affairs. What is the chance that their marriage will work out? Thank you in advance for any help. What?? You think that if she leaves her husband you have a shot at being happy with her? Uh....she f#cked around on her husband more than once prior to starting something with you...she doesn't plan on telling her husband, hence not wanting to leave the marriage... Boy..that is some great woman ya picked there. You think that she'd be faithful to you?....let me just ask you a question......EXCUSE ME???
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Should I just not respond when she emails me? Yes. That is what no contact means. We've already agreed that nothing will ever happen between us, so that's out of the way. She also says that she's going to give her marriage a "second chance" and that after 3 years, if things are better, she will stay. If not, then she won't. Then there's the reason not to email her back if she contacts you. How can she even attempt to work on her marriage if you're in the picture? Even casually. Heal yourself, move on.
Author jbmarine Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I guess I'm just still a little hurt. I guess I just made a fantasy out of her that I shouldn't have. Well, thanks for all of the help. Time to move on.
ratingsguy Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 We've already agreed that nothing will ever happen between us, so that's out of the way. She also says that she's going to give her marriage a "second chance" and that after 3 years, if things are better, she will stay. If not, then she won't. That says it all right there. Add in the fact that she's a serial cheater, and the conclusion is that there is no chance of you and her working out. I'd move on now. Maintain NC and do not respond to any communication from her. I never really felt this way about a woman before. Does anyone else get the feeling that they will never find someone that is the same as their previous love? I think that I'll get over it, hopefully. I think it will just take time. You will, and it does. Be strong and good luck to you.
silktricks Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Well, I've spoken with her over the phone before. I know that that means nothing, and you're probably right about the fantasy as well. Thanks for the help. Unfortunately, I met her through my hobby. Guess I need to change hobbies! Thanks again! Yeah, telephone is still "electronic correspondence". Nothing real there. To find out what a person is really like you need to spend real time together doing real things. If your hobby entails spending a lot of time online, changing hobbies may not be such a bad idea!!!
MoonGirl Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I agree with everyone here - you love this woman so much because she is not real - she is a fantasy. If she's planning on staying with her husband for 3 more years, that's a long time to sit around and wait for her, especially if it likely won't work out anyway. And because she's a serial cheater, she would probably cheat on any other man she chooses to be with too.
Author jbmarine Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Yeah, If I'm contact again, I just won't pick up and I DEFINATELY won't respond. I still wish her the best of luck, though!
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