Coping with my behaviors post break up

[oppath]

I started entering a depression a couple months before my ex dumped me; I don't mention this for sympathy, and it's a weak excuse, but it is relevant to what follows.

 

When my ex broke up with me using the "I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship, it's not you, it's me, I need to find myself" line I was crushed, mainly because I called her on it and she persisted she was telling the truth and did have feelings for me. I asked for nc, she violated it inviting me to a party, I reasserted I needed no contact before becoming friends and she said "cool, want to be friends with benefits?". I went off on her calling her selfish and cruel and that her reasons for the breakup made no sense to me, and it hurt like hell for her to ask to be FWB while I was still processing the breakup. This was 2 weeks after she dumped me. My response was long, it was cold, I never received an apology or response.

 

2 weeks later I was told her ex proposed to her just before she dumped me. I was crushed. I was also drunk so I sent an angry email saying she was pathetic for lying to me, **** you, how dare you treat me that way. I tried calling her the next afternoon and she hung up on me. I text messaged her back "you can tell me the truth or I will tell [ex's name about me]". Immediately I knew I majorly screwed up and crossed the line. I said this because she never told him she had a boyfriend and I knew of their friendship; there is no excuse for acting that manipulative and I was wrong.

 

I apologized via text and email. I made the undignified mistake of emailing two of her friends, who I considered my friends and who I was going to see every other Sunday what happened, telling them I regretted it, and felt horrible for acting that way. This was juvenile of me. I can see that now. Never receiving a response, 2 weeks later I wrote a SHORT but real letter forgiving her and telling her I wanted to remember her fondly, and it would mean a lot to me to express forgiveness of each other since our social cirlces intersect. I never received an acknowledgement. I gave it up. I recognize the mistakes I made. I am trying to forgive myself for it. One apology was enough. I did cross lines but it is not the end of the world.

 

I saw some of her friends at a sloshball game last weekend. It was a big step for me; several of them were glaring at me and I could hear them say "what is this ******* doing here." I acted friendly. I apologized to a girl who I included in the drama saying it was wrong of me to do so, that I regret what I did and wish I could take it back. She was a big person about it and said "we've all been there."

 

The mutual friend who told me about my ex's ex told me things were mostly cool with her and that he'd be willing to serve as a bridge to repair some friendships. I thought this was wise considering some of them were inviting me to social functions. I politely declined at first saying "harsh words were exchanged with my ex so it's best if I don't attend, you don't need to know the details."

 

Ok, so the mutual friend suggested I email some of these people and say "thanks for being friendly, rumor is that I went off on [ex's name] and I don't want to get into details other than I regret it and want to move forward. I appreciate your friendliness and invites and hope we can leave the past behind us."

 

So I did.

 

I get an email from my ex's best friend telling me to stop. To cease and desist, saying that my INITIAL reaction to the break up burned all bridges and crossed lines and for me to stop bothering people for absolution, that had I not reacted so strongly initially friendship probably would have happened but I lost all hopes of reconcilation, and that I needed to be an adult and let things be, and I should never have apologized to her more than once.

 

In a sense, I agree! It was juvenile to involve her friends. Tying to repair my own friendships is not going to happen. They know her story, not mine, and it is not fair for me to try and tell mine. I did respond, saying I agreed with most of what he said, but that it was my secondary response that went over the line, and I acknowledged it, but no one knows how they would have responded unless they had the same feelings and were in the same situation, and that both of us handled things immaturely and both of us are responsible for the drama. I apologized for continuing the drama but asserted I think the is a wonderful woman, you are a good guy, and I see no reason we can't be friendly with each other when our social cirlces intersect. I told him I wouldn't contact him, her, or mention this to any friend of her's again out of respect to her.

 

I recognize ALL the mistakes I made. Sadly, I feel like a stalker. I know, I need to forgive myself already! I realized where I screwed up and apologized with sincerity. Many people would have reacted worse. I did act immature and juvenile about some things but it is not the end of the world as long as I let things go. We've all been there, it does not make it ok, I feel embarrassed and humiliated, and I know I thought and acted irrationally about some things, but it is ok as long as I stop.

 

So I've vowed to stop. I've decided not to go anywhere near her or her friends if I can help it. I'm going to walk away. I need to do this for my own healing, but also to preserve my dignity, and also not to truly become a stalker. True, she would have responded to my first apology if she wanted to speak to me. There was no need for two more. I violated NC majorly. No reaction is the best reaction. I know that now. I've learned. I feel remorse, I'm trying to forgive myself.

 

But I'm struggling. I did cross lines severely in my opinion. I emotionally threatened her. Yes, I admitted this in my apology and told her it was an empty threat and it was wrong of me to act that way. I know I will never receive an acknowledgement from her.

 

This sucks, because I don't want to turn down social invitations. If I need to do it to heal, I will do it, but it would be nice, for example, to be able to go to my friend's birthday party for 1 drink and be the bigger person.

 

Aside from telling myself "it's ok, I forgive myself" over and over, how do I get past this. I can't, and I realize this is the root problem in all my posts. I blame myself for things outside of my control (i.e. forgiveness and maintaining mutual friendships) and am not forgiving myself. I am disgusted by how I've acted and the dignity I've lost though I know it could have been worse, much worse, and I apologized, and I've put a stop to most of it, and have now vowed to stop all of it and walk away.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

First, I think we are all guilty of acting irrationally during a break up. Your emotions are at an all-time high, you're hurting, and sometimes do or say things you later regret. It happens. You know that you crossed some lines, made an attempt to fix it. Stop beating yourself up over it.

 

When we make mistakes, all we can do is offer a sincere apology. It is up to the other person to accept it or not. As long as the apology was offered, that is all you can do. Try to let it go now, and move on with your life.

[climbergirl]

Yes, I think we've all been guilty to some degree of irrational actions post break up. You are no different than the rest of us.

 

I wish you'd forgive yourself. But it seems that you need their forgiveness first before you are able to stop beating yourself up. Screw them. From what I've read in your posts, you've really tried to mend things, but it's time exert that energy on you instead of them. Given the situation, if they can't forgive you they aren't worth the effort. You're better than that!

 

Do you know when this will all blow over and be a thing of the past within your social circle??

 

When they see that you've moved on.

[oppath]

I know. I can't control if someone accepts or rejects my apology. I could have acted much worse. I could have acted on my threat. I am trying to let it go. I am trying to forgive myself. I feel it IS ok how I acted since I know it was wrong and I have learned from this and I know that had she been honest with me, none of this would have happened. I am letting go of my hate for her and need to do the same with myself.

 

What I did is forgiveable and I need to give myself that foregiveness. The tough part is mutual friends. I just need to walk away right now and move on with my life. If we reconnect several months down the line we reconnect several months down the line. right now I am more important. Why waste my efforts on them!

 

When I've moved on, this will be no big deal. Sadly, we all know how tough this is. Even if I feel happy even seeing the ex may devastate me months from now. I don't know. That is predicting the future. I suppose I should worry about it when it happens but until then avoid it and CHOOSE to do things that make me happy instead of worry.

[polywog]

I know. I can't control if someone accepts or rejects my apology. I could have acted much worse. I could have acted on my threat. I am trying to let it go. I am trying to forgive myself. I feel it IS ok how I acted since I know it was wrong and I have learned from this and I know that had she been honest with me, none of this would have happened. I am letting go of my hate for her and need to do the same with myself.

 

What I did is forgiveable and I need to give myself that foregiveness. The tough part is mutual friends. I just need to walk away right now and move on with my life. If we reconnect several months down the line we reconnect several months down the line. right now I am more important. Why waste my efforts on them!

 

When I've moved on, this will be no big deal. Sadly, we all know how tough this is. Even if I feel happy even seeing the ex may devastate me months from now. I don't know. That is predicting the future. I suppose I should worry about it when it happens but until then avoid it and CHOOSE to do things that make me happy instead of worry.

 

Yes, and the people that are mature enough, and compassionate enough, and worth having friendships with will get over it.

 

You might fret over all this stuff no matter what (I think it's hard not to, it's human nature), but just let yourself fret while at the same time taking care of yourself.

 

I think you have a healthy attitude, from reading your post.

 

My 2 cents.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

 

What I did is forgiveable and I need to give myself that foregiveness. The tough part is mutual friends. I just need to walk away right now and move on with my life. If we reconnect several months down the line we reconnect several months down the line. right now I am more important. Why waste my efforts on them!

If they are your friends, they will accept your apology. They will understand. If not, you don't need them in your life.

[Trialbyfire]

Exactly. People don't define you, you define yourself.

[thatmatt]

Oppath, I think even though you feel guilt over the way you reacted, realize that most times if someone else was in the same position, the reaction would have been similar when finding out about her ex. I have been dealing with depression myself, and one thing i've found out is it fuels guilt and destroys one's ability to give themself grace, it took me forever to give myself grace about ending my relationship, I read that you were suffering from depression, and I think that might be leading to most of your guilt.

[oppath]

Right, I define myself.

 

I am someone who values assertiveness in relationships, so it hurts when I feel someone is being unclear or dishonest. Not having her in my life, I am free to find someone who is more assertive. Even her lack of validation for my apologies is PASSIVE behavior. I am somone who can experience a strong sense of love. I possess integrity. I recongnize when I act out of line and when I apologize I am sincere. I am human and I make mistakes. I have moments of weakness, but mostly I am generous and kind. I am honest. I am truthful. I am many more wonderful things. A painful, 2 week period in my life when I had my heartbroken does not define me. My actions during that time do not represent who I am, and it was actually good for me to act as I did even though I regret it, because it was a learning experience. I am a big person for wanting to remain friends with these people, and even eventually my ex. Who I am is an incredible person.

[oppath]

Oppath, I think even though you feel guilt over the way you reacted, realize that most times if someone else was in the same position, the reaction would have been similar when finding out about her ex. I have been dealing with depression myself, and one thing i've found out is it fuels guilt and destroys one's ability to give themself grace, it took me forever to give myself grace about ending my relationship, I read that you were suffering from depression, and I think that might be leading to most of your guilt.

 

Yes, I am suffering from depression BEYOND that of the relationship ending. It sucks. It really interferes with rational thoughts. It is ok how I reacted. It would have been nice if I was less cold. but it is not the end of the world that I keep making it out to be. Depression is fueling my guilt. It clouds my judgement. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person because I feel bad. And yes, I feel many people would have reacted just as I did, especially if they haven't had many relationships and haven't had to deal with painful break ups. If the gender roles were reversed, I'd fully expect the girl to go ape **** on me if I led her on, then asked for friends with benefits, and then she found out that my ex came back into town and wanted to get back together just before I dumped my newer gf. Most woman I know, not to stereotype a gender, would go off.

 

My depression places all the blame on me, and I need to absolve myself of that guilt and remind myself that IF SHE WERE FULLY HONEST WITH ME, none of this would have happened. This doesn't make her a bad person. Likewise, I am not a bad person.