mustbcrazy Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Hi all, After a little over 6 months of being involved with my MM, I finally gathered the strength to say what I needed to say to him. I warned him that I was going to be hard on him, but that I needed to tell him exactly how I was feeling. I told him that I did not understand how somebody can say one thing and do another. Specifically, I told him, "You say that you love your wife, so ACT LIKE IT and work on your marriage. If what you are telling me is true and you are "in love" with me, then ACT like it and either take steps to be with me or let me go so that I can move on." He said that he understood my position, that he wanted to be with me, but there are other factors (ie, kids, finances, the usual crap). I proceeded to tell him that if he can make his marriage work, then he needs to do it, but, in my opinion, staying in a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship "for the kids" is not a healthy decision and it gives one a false sense of being a noble person. A person who cheats on his wife for 6 months is not noble. I do love him and I understand being confused & conflicted, but it is time to strap on a pair of b*lls and do what needs to be done. I told him that he cannot call me, text me, etc. We cannot be friends as long as he is married. I feel strong right now, but I know that in a few hours, I am going to have that sick feeling, tears streaming down my face, hopelessness, etc. I just know from reading all the posts here that I have made the right decision. I do believe that if we were meant to be together, it will happen...but I can't ride this rollercoaster any longer. In the past, he has not abided by my NC request, and I have caved by answering the phone, text messages, etc. I am going to try really hard to stay strong this time. Just prepare yourselves for some emotional posts when I need advice/strength. I know that it will get easier, but right now I feel like I have lost part of myself.
amaysngrace Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I don't think you've lost yourself at all, in fact I think you've found yourself...your strength and your ability to step up and do the right thing. It's going to be a challenging day for sure. Maybe you can shut off your cell phone and go outside and enjoy the day to yourself. Do something for yourself. Go get cleaned up and put on something pretty and get out of the house. Maybe go browse a bookstore or something, anything, that you want to do. Post if you need to later on but seriously don't think of yourself as breaking down today. Know that tomorrow will be easier than today is so if you make today a good day than there's even more hope for tomorrow!
GreenEyedLady Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 MBC: It will be hard the first week...be prepared for that...try to stay strong...I guarantee you that you WILL feel better... It was EXTREMELY HARD for me...I felt physically sick...but now it's been a month and I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! I feel free... And you eventually will too... It will feel like you lost part of yourself (hopefully that will end sooner rather than later), you lost someone that you loved deeply...but you also GAINED a part of yourself back by ending the A... Stay strong...he WILL break NC...do what you need to to stay on the path you have chosen...GEL
Kenzo Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I applaud your strength and I'm also looking to draw on it...I am fast approaching the 6 month mark and my heart breaks a little everyday when I think about ending it...which, of course, is inevitable...my situation is a little different as mine claims to not love his W, but stays for the same reasons (kids, finances, etc.) You have set your boundaries and I hope for your sake he abides by them...if he loves you, truly loves you, there can only be one of two outcomes here, either he will realize he can't live without you (as we all hope will be the case) or he will let you get on with your life, keeping silently in heart, all the wonderful moments you spent together, and allow you to move on without him interfering in you "real" life. You are certainly not alone, and you are still a whole person! When you find what you think you have lost, you will see it was never really missing to begin with...(good advice, from a great movie).
kymberann Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Good for you!! You really stood up for yourself and knew you could not go through this any longer! You know you are above all the drama that goes along with an A. Just don't let him sway you! He may try to make you cave, but if you do the mesage you will be sending is that you aren't that strong! Just let him do his thing and that's that! What ever the outcome, you come out winning, sanity and all! Best!
outofdarkness Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hi, can u block his number from your cell and e mail from your comp? Mabey this would help? I really don't know a whole lot about this sort of thing, but I do know most have that feature...If you really want the time to see what he really wants, then this might help...
Author mustbcrazy Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 As predicted, he tried to break NC yesterday. He started calling around noon, left a couple of messages regarding something trivial about work (we work in the same field), then left a message saying, "Please call me....please." Then, last night, called & left a message apologizing for putting pressure on me. I listened to the messages, but I DID NOT RESPOND!!! I have decided to let him feel some of the pain I have felt for the past several months...let him wonder what I am thinking, doing, etc. I know I shouldn't care what he is doing or feeling, but, of course, I do. I have found though that I am starting to get mad now. I am seeing how selfish he really is...I have told him that I cannot move on if I continue to talk to him, and he spent a good part of the day yesterday trying to talk to me! All of these MM follow the same pattern, and it really makes me sick. They are pathetic babies who want what they want and don't care who they hurt in order to get it. I know they all tell us they love us and say all the right things, but when it comes time to walk the talk, they turn into wimps! I know that if the situation were reversed (ie, I was married & he was single), if I were so unsatisfied in my marriage that I turned to someone outside the marriage and carried on a relationship (for 6 months!), I would have the b*lls to leave my marriage and do the right thing. The kids excuse, in my opinion, is crap. Men don't "lose their kids" because they get divorced. If anything, they stand a chance to have a healthier relationship with their kids because they are not stuck in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. Does anyone really think that this is in the best interest of their kids? Do kids need to see this type of marriage as a model of how relationships should be? I'm sorry to rant, but I am really pissed off right now...at him for feeding me the same lies that all the other MM do...at myself for believing him & turning into someone I thought I NEVER would become (I have been a BS myself!). Hopefully, this anger will keep me strong enough to continue my NC and he can live his life without my friendship, advice, sex, ego-boosting, whatever needs I was satisfying for him, and focus on his wife and kids (who are supposedly so important to him)! Again, sorry to rant, but I feel much better!
quankanne Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 rant away, dear – it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. and congratulations for standing up for yourself, too. In a situation like that, I imagine it cannot be very easy to get respect from the person you're involved with because he subconciously thinks you're willing to accept less since you're involved with his married self. break-ups are never easy, even if they go smoothly and you remain on ositive terms with that person, but above all else you've got to hold your head high and expect respect. Otherwise, it won't come. he's a dumbass thinking you're going to let him play both sides – you deserve much, much better than that.
Baileykeg Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Good for you in doing what is best for YOU. I know the strong moments fade and the weak ones creep back in but just remember when that happens why you chose to do what you did....because it's what you want. Stay strong and post here often. It really does help. I couldn't have made it through without all the support and courage I got from friends here at LS!
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