serial muse Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Not necessarily. Some people are simply incapable of monogamy regardless of how well or poorly their spouses handle the relationship, are attentive, work hard at making the relationship work, etc. In my case as a former "betrayed" spouse I have always admitted my faults in the marriage and I spent two years, post-divorce, living like a monk, acknowledging and confronting my faults and working on making necessary changes to me so I wouldn't repeat those same mistakes in any future committed relationship. All that being said, the decision to cheat is just that -- a knowing decision. If the person has any integrity they'll leave the current relationship before entering into a new one. To point the bony finger of blame at an inattentive or incompetent spouse is the same as pointing a finger at anyone else. It leaves you with three fingers pointing back at yourself. I agree with so much of this, C. As a former BS (no longer in that marriage), I have been through the same journey, post-affair: I wanted to examine myself and understand what I had brought to the table, even though I didn't want to resume that particular relationship. I think it's always worthwhile to admit your faults in a relationship and examine how you can change yourself to be a more giving partner. But that does not mean it's healthy for the BS to assume "blame" for the affair. The WS has to own that. The BS can own their own behavior - but that is, as difficult as it may be for BOTH parties to accept, a truly separate thing. Acknowledging that you neglected your partner in one or many ways is difficult and painful and means that yes, you have things to regret - but it's just not the same thing as taking responsibility for your partner's decision to deal with their unhappiness the way they did - nor should it be. It can be hard, I think, for a WS to own up to what they did. And depending on the type of person the BS is (for example, codependent), they may want desperately to help them, by helping to shoulder that burden for them. But that's fundamentally unhealthy, IMO. Both partners need to be more honest with themselves in order to grow.
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 This issue can often come down to perceptions: how you see yourself versus how your partner sees you, and vice-versa. Needless to say, adultery really makes things one hell of a lot more complicated than they already are otherwise; it's ill-advised. But as I said, affairs typically don't happen in a vacuum.
NoIDidn't Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 This issue can often come down to perceptions: how you see yourself versus how your partner sees you, and vice-versa. Needless to say, adultery really makes things one hell of a lot more complicated than they already are otherwise; it's ill-advised. But as I said, affairs typically don't happen in a vacuum. Again, I mostly agree with what you said. But you just got to a critical truth on the part of the adulterer here. The adulterer usually sees him/herself as above reproach, as if they contributed nothing to the demise of the M. But the betrayed sees them completely different. So when the WS starts talking about the "whys" of why they cheated, the betrayed isn't interested in hearing what they did wrong. But the cheater is still in La La Land saying, "I did X, because you did Y" not seeing how their own behavior may have cause the betrayed to do W, that led to X, that led to Y. I, too, believe that As don't happen in a vacuum (most of the time). But I don't think that immediately after the A is the time for the betrayed to start accepting blame for anything. Once both parties have started healing in a genuine manner, then we can talk about what the betrayed contributed to the breakdown of the M. You just gotta get further from the A and have some restored trust (not completely, but some) before any owning of problems can begin on the part of the betrayed.
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