Guest Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I was linked here to check out the "don't come clean" thread. Very interesting read. What's more interesting is that there are so many posters who are here because they have been cheated on by their S.O. and are in utter denial of their role in their partner's infidelity. Some poster said it best when they said "Affairs do not happen in a vacuum". BULLSEYE! My friend linked me here because my wife cheated on me with a guy from work. At first I was bristling with righteous anger the same way other posters here do. After my wife terminated the affair and we began counseling, it became more and more obvious the stages that preceded the affair. The difference between my wife and I was how we handled the stress of the crumbling marriage. I began to spend more and more time with my friends and taking the kids on solo outings without her. I regularly, and I realize now, deliberately excluded her. She, OTOH, had an affair. Just because I am not the cheating type does not make my behavior any less despicable. I see that very clearly now. I get a picture in my head of two little kids arguing in a room. All of a sudden one of them starts screaming and crying hysterically. Mother runs into the room and the crying, screaming child is holding their bloody nose and pointing at the other kid. Mom says "what happened in here?" and the non-crying kid says "I don't know! I didn't do nothin'!" When you're 6, you can probably get other 6 year olds to believe that you "didn't do nothin'", but as a grown-up? Puh-leese. You can sit there and say it was all him/her, but you're not fooling the other grown ups (except the ones that share your denial in their own relationships). You played a role, as distasteful as their act was, you too are culpable. There are no exceptions.
mrmaximum Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Some poster said it best when they said "Affairs do not happen in a vacuum". BULLSEYE! Just because I am not the cheating type does not make my behavior any less despicable. I see that very clearly now. There are no exceptions. I agree with the first part of your statement, that affairs don't happen in a vaccuum. There is some responsibility to be taken up when you are the one who has been betrayed in the marriage/relationship. Communication plays a HUGE role in that and not to ignore one another when troubles arise. Nip it in the bud, yeah? I guess my righteous indignation comes from the fact that I would leave to get my point across rather than have an affair. It's just selfish and leads to more problems. You can't fix a marriage by going outside of it Dr. Phil McGraw And that sums in up right there. An affair isn't a mistake, it is a selfish choice made by a person to fulfil their own wants and desires. One poster here said about an affair - Yes he was 50% responsible for the problems, but she was 100% responsible for the affair. There are better choices to make when trying to fix a relationship, ones that don't lead to lasting heartache and pain. Hell, I knew a neighbour that wasn't being appreciated by his wife (and let me tell you I could go into what this guy does for his wife and kids and it would make your toes curl AND he works 80-100 hours a week as a cabbie) so what did he do? He left for awhile so she could realize what life would be like without him. She called him before a week was up and realized that she had wronged him. Forgiveness came, and he came back, no tears, no muss, no fuss. Would that not be better, tell me the truth, isn't that the better choice? As for your last statement, that is a generalization that is just as incorrect as the statemnt that all cheaters should be vilified. Some cheaters do it for the thrill, not because things are boring at home and hubby/wifey aren't exciting enough. I read a case study on ivillage.com last year that featured a woman who constantly cheated on her husband, not because he was an @ss, not becasuse he didn't give her attention, but becuase she like younger men. Tell me what are you as the spouse supposed to do then? Not age? I then read about another situation in Ebony online where it had some cases of women who had good husbands but cheated because the other man could give them clothes, money, cars, you get the idea right? Not saying that there aren't men out there that do this sort of thing too, we know that this is a global problem right? 80-90% of the time I would agree with you guest but now you have to understand that there are people who have problems or are just selfish and rotten and there is nothing you can do about that. No exceptions, not a chance!!
mrmaximum Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Those situations are the ones that will make people the most angry and bitter becuase they can't even look at themselves and say; well if I paid more attention....if I was there more......if I didn't work so much...if I didn't nag so much.....if I gave him more sexual intimacy.... You get the idea, what is one supposed to do then? Or the ones where they were doing exactly what there where supposed to and that still wasn't enough (ie. a teacher cheated on their spouse because he wasn't home enough, he was out working because she wanted the finer things in life and he had no problem working extra to get it and that is a true story!!). Maybe it's wrong and bitter, but I'll tell you that is the reason that I and some others fire our elephant guns at cheaters who don't give a rat's @ss about their spouses, just about how the situation affects them now (like the woman who was crying about how she had cheated and now is no longer attracted to her hubby). Is it wrong, maybe, and I'm sure that there are others that will tell me that it is, but at the very least I won't give cheaters any more credit than they deserve. As I said before, they may have been the wronged spouse initially (even my father was one of these, my mom isn't really easy to live with) but by cheating, things weren't improved!!
Chapter2 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Righteous indignation assumes innocense... but righteous or not, you can say you would leave like most always say "if my husband/wife EVER cheated on me I'd be gone!!"...even on LS, there are so many who have stayed for the second, third and even fourth betrayal.... I know...you would never do that;) Most don't leave because their circumstances are "different"...they stay with a very long list of justifications...s/he's truly sorry...the kids...the money...extended family...community...church....the list is endless. The person staying and ultimately accepting the behavior is every bit as culpable because they then make the "selfish" choice (and, yes, it is a choice) to become the perfect enabler which is absolutely necessary for betrayal. Both have a distinct role and until someone steps outside of the dysfunctional dance they've worked so hard to perfect, things will most likely stay the same. It seems what they're really saying is..."you better never cheat on me again but, whatever you do, don't leave me!!!" I guess my righteous indignation comes from the fact that I would leave to get my point across rather than have an affair.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 you can say you would leave like most always say "if my husband/wife EVER cheated on me I'd be gone!!"... I don't think anybody really knows 100% for sure what they'd do in that situation, until they're faced with it. It also depends on if there are children involved and what type of problems were going on BEFORE the WS started cheating. A BS is put in an awful situation, and if they end the marriage without letting their spouse try to fix things, somehow THEY become the bad guy, not the WS.
outofdarkness Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Hi! Your point has been duly noted...BUT every situation is different..Some BS on LS are in abusive situations and can't find a way out...Some cheaters are very good liars and can compartmentalize very well. I think they call that cake eaters on LS...Some of us are just normal people who happen to trust our S 100 percent... There are problems in every R...Show me an R or M that is problem free, and I'll find evidence of something fishy going on...You can't just say that just b/c the R had problems, one of the S should go out and cheat. Cheating is never justifiable! There are many ways to work on problems...I think the most important things is the communicate w/ your SO and get help if warranted...We just can't take that responsibility...Playing the blame game where cheating is involved is like playing w/ fire...The BS is going to be in a tailspin anyway..and someone is going to start to blame them?? Not yet...Yes, the problems w/ the M need to be addressed....In time!
Chapter2 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Couldn't agree more...no one knows what they would do in any situation until confronted with it, but many on LS swear on their lives that they know exactly what they would do in most situations...I've eaten words like that before and they're extremely difficult to swallow... I don't think anybody really knows 100% for sure what they'd do in that situation, until they're faced with it. It also depends on if there are children involved and what type of problems were going on BEFORE the WS started cheating. I agree every situation is different. My point is not about blaming, its about enabling and ultimately becoming a co-addict in the betrayers deception. It happens all the time. There can be a time of healing, growth, perceived change then betrayal...to continue to stay is enabling. I think (note "I" which is one opinion out of a kabillion) if a person betrays once and never again there is a chance...multiple times against the same person is a cycle that will continue to repeat, hence, its not happening in a vacuum. Hi! Your point has been duly noted...BUT every situation is different..Some BS on LS are in abusive situations and can't find a way out...Some cheaters are very good liars and can compartmentalize very well. I think they call that cake eaters on LS...Some of us are just normal people who happen to trust our S 100 percent... There are problems in every R...Show me an R or M that is problem free, and I'll find evidence of something fishy going on...You can't just say that just b/c the R had problems, one of the S should go out and cheat. Cheating is never justifiable! There are many ways to work on problems...I think the most important things is the communicate w/ your SO and get help if warranted...We just can't take that responsibility...Playing the blame game where cheating is involved is like playing w/ fire...The BS is going to be in a tailspin anyway..and someone is going to start to blame them?? Not yet...Yes, the problems w/ the M need to be addressed....In time!
Freedom Now Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Chapter 2: I agree completely. Very, very good points.
Curmudgeon Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 You played a role, as distasteful as their act was, you too are culpable. There are no exceptions. Not necessarily. Some people are simply incapable of monogamy regardless of how well or poorly their spouses handle the relationship, are attentive, work hard at making the relationship work, etc. In my case as a former "betrayed" spouse I have always admitted my faults in the marriage and I spent two years, post-divorce, living like a monk, acknowledging and confronting my faults and working on making necessary changes to me so I wouldn't repeat those same mistakes in any future committed relationship. All that being said, the decision to cheat is just that -- a knowing decision. If the person has any integrity they'll leave the current relationship before entering into a new one. To point the bony finger of blame at an inattentive or incompetent spouse is the same as pointing a finger at anyone else. It leaves you with three fingers pointing back at yourself.
amerikajin Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Not necessarily. Some people are simply incapable of monogamy regardless of how well or poorly their spouses handle the relationship, are attentive, work hard at making the relationship work, etc. In my case as a former "betrayed" spouse I have always admitted my faults in the marriage and I spent two years, post-divorce, living like a monk, acknowledging and confronting my faults and working on making necessary changes to me so I wouldn't repeat those same mistakes in any future committed relationship. All that being said, the decision to cheat is just that -- a knowing decision. If the person has any integrity they'll leave the current relationship before entering into a new one. To point the bony finger of blame at an inattentive or incompetent spouse is the same as pointing a finger at anyone else. It leaves you with three fingers pointing back at yourself. I would agree with this. Incidentally, I was the one who wrote "affairs don't happen in a vacuum" because far too often, LS posters on the infidelity threads turn into a puritanical lynch mob and only want to see one side of it. I was just trying to clarify things a bit as it relates to the mob mentality. At the same time, there is absolutely no justification for cheating. It is also a terrible way to respond to whatever frustrations you might have in a relationship. It is the ultimate insult to your partner. When you engage in extra-marital relations, it creates an atmosphere of elevated hostility. It also shows that you are an ineffective of communicating your feelings in a responsible manner. Not to digress but this is probably why men cheat more than women. Women, with their superior communication skills, are able to articulate how they feel about the marriage, and they are usually more adept at verbalizing emotions, and more comfortable doing so. Men typically suck at communication and would rather internalize and perservere, carrying their own burdens around in their head like spartan warriors than to come out and say how they feel. I think it is this tendency to bottle emotion which gets us men into trouble. In addition to the conditioned role of men as sexual conquistadors. Obviously, I am generalizing here and in your case, curmudgeon, that was evidently not the case. But it's one of my many wacky theories. My guess is that when women cheat, they do so because they get angry that their man doesn't pick up on these emotional cues that other women identify so easily amongst each other. I've never been married but I've had a live-in relationship before, and that was an issue I confronted repeatedly. My lady would be upset and it would take me a while to figure out 1) that she was upset, and 2) why. In the end, both cheat for the same reasons although different things trigger it in different people.
outofdarkness Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 and...part of my point was that sometimes, there is NO way out for the BW..This happens all the time too!
Chapter2 Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Repeated infidelity is every bit as much abuse as is being beaten to a bloody pulp every day of your life. There is always a way out. It really does depend on what you are willing to give up for self respect and dignity. But, no, I have to respectfully disagree, there is NEVER no way out. Never. To believe such is a death sentence. And, yes, I have every right to speak on this as I have experienced it. (edited due to some really horrific spelling) and...part of my point was that sometimes, there is NO way out for the BW..This happens all the time too!
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Nope. The betrayed are not culpable for an act the cheater is solely responsible for. That is pure horse-droppings. Let's pretend that there's a gorgeous girl running around in a mini-skirt and a low cut top. She gets raped. I'm guessing she's culpable too by this same token. She is not culpable. While she may have added to the frustration of the individual by wearing something tantalizing, she is not responsible for the rape.
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Nope. The betrayed are not culpable for an act the cheater is solely responsible for. That is pure horse-droppings. Let's pretend that there's a gorgeous girl running around in a mini-skirt and a low cut top. She gets raped. I'm guessing she's culpable too by this same token. She is not culpable. While she may have added to the frustration of the individual by wearing something tantalizing, she is not responsible for the rape. That's an extreme analogy, don't you think?
Guest Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Nope. The betrayed are not culpable for an act the cheater is solely responsible for. That is pure horse-droppings. Let's pretend that there's a gorgeous girl running around in a mini-skirt and a low cut top. She gets raped. I'm guessing she's culpable too by this same token. She is not culpable. While she may have added to the frustration of the individual by wearing something tantalizing, she is not responsible for the rape. Wow. This took off. Not surprisingly, full of "yeah, maybe, but MY spouse was different. I was a perfect husband/wife, and they're just a lousy cheat. This quote is a perfect example. Your analogy is sophomoric and frankly not surprising coming from a spouse in denial. No doubt you were the betrayed in your marriage or relationship, that much is obvious. I would go a step beyond and say that you believe that you were the perfect loving husband/wife and your S.O. is just a louse. I pray, for your sake, that you seek counseling and with the help of a professional, analyze the steps that led to your S.O. cheating. Don't misunderstand me and think that I'm trying to shift the blame (in my case) from my wife over to me and say "If only I had been a better husband, she never would have cheated". I'm not. SHE made the choice to cheat, and it's a decision that I'll never be able to comprehend. She screwed up, royally. If I had been able to watch our marriage from a third person point of view, however, it would not have shocked me much. If your S.O. cheats, it's because they are dissatisfied or missing something in the marriage. If one (or both) is dissatisfied in a marriage, then it is the fault of both people involved in the marriage. A better analogy for the situation is when your teenage daughter gets pregnant, and you demand to know who the guilty boy is. You find him and scream at him "It's your fault she's in this mess!" Um, excuse me?
InaPanic Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I like what the original poster had to say actually. i'm sure anyone knowing my situation would think of course you do..you cheated! but i have always said that my husband was not to blame and that it was all me. i just admire someone that can come forth & say i was cheated on & i can see my part in the relationship getting to this point. i dont think he was condoning affairs, just saying that not always is the other party innocent of any wrong doings. No, an affair is never acceptable but there are things that lead people to them...not all cross the line but some do.
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 That's an extreme analogy, don't you think? When someone uses the word culpable and states that there are no exceptions, the reaction will fit the original post. There's something so inherently wrong about cheating no matter how you look at it. It's underhanded, it's cowardly, it's immature, it's a breech of everything marriage stands for and everything a person with respect and honour should stand for.
Romeo Must Die Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Tribal is not far off on her anology, adding to it that many betrayed spouses do feel "raped" and violated by their WS, because the WS abused the trust and corrupted the love (they claimed to hold so dear) as easily as they have taken advantage of someone who is unable to protect themselves FAIRLY. The worst part of it is that the cheaters seem to really get away with it too. They refuse to be accountable for the cheating. No justice. No remorse and no consequense for their crimes, but the BS should pay dearly? In this way? For what exactly did they do (or not do) to deserve this? How can people betray someone that close to them and then have the nerve to say it was their BS fault when most of the time, the BS had absolutely no knowledge of the infidelity? When the cheater protected the affair from the betrayed? Sorry, I just don't see the WS as a victim. Same as the OW who knowingly has an affair with a MM, but preys on the BW's vulnerability and faults. The OW are hardly victims either. They are conspiritors to divorce for personal gain. They sold themselves out for a MM. The excuses for cheating are pretty weak in comparison to the cheating itself. It's plain selfishness. It's an ego trip. The emotional and physical damage that they inflict on their partner far exceeds the issue that supposedly started it, when most of the time it was a belief the WS (wrongfully) had in their head to begin with. It's called justification for the affair. Look it up. You know, There hasnt been one good answer to the WHY question that I have even heard yet, but I have heard plenty of WS (and OW) who have blamed the spouse for the destruction of the marriage and have targeted them far more times than I can count, whilst claiming to be the victim themselves. Anyway, as far as guest BH is concerned, there isnt a BH that I know of that would refer to their cheating wife so casually and who would also assign the blame to themselves so easily as this guest BH has, especially after the cheating wife has had some (strange) inside of her. No sir. The way I see it, his FWW took advantage of this BH's outside interests with the friends and the kids to get her loving by another man. I dont feel pity for her. She is hardly a victim. I'm sure she had a good time at his expense. Didnt suffer much as he had. She did this behind his back and methodically planned her affair around his schedule and has convinced him he was the one who was wrong to begin with. I never lost sleep at night blaming myself for my husband's LTA. Acually, now that I am a BS, I am hyper conscious and protective of myself and refuse to lay down for this kind of bull.
mrmaximum Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Nope. The betrayed are not culpable for an act the cheater is solely responsible for. That is pure horse-droppings. Let's pretend that there's a gorgeous girl running around in a mini-skirt and a low cut top. She gets raped. I'm guessing she's culpable too by this same token. She is not culpable. While she may have added to the frustration of the individual by wearing something tantalizing, she is not responsible for the rape. Cheating is a choice made by one spouse that effects everyone in the family negatively in most cases. Will treating your spouse badly cause issues in your marriage, of course it will and counselors (not to mention common sense but hey, common sense is very uncommon these days) will tell you that treating people badly isn't a good idea, but some don't think it will cause infidelity. Not excusing bad behavior but if one truly cares for the relationship they will recognize that cheating will only damage it further, possibly irreparably. The assumption that some people are making is that cheating is on par with henpecking, or not spending enough time with them, a natural result that stems from selfish treatment. This isn't the case, whatsoever! There are better ways of fixing the situation with a counselor or a minister rather then setting off a nuclear bomb in your basement where the fallout will affect everyone in your family for years to come!!!
outofdarkness Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Repeated infidelity is every bit as much abuse as is being beaten to a bloody pulp every day of your life. There is always a way out. It really does depend on what you are willing to give up for self respect and dignity. But, no, I have to respectfully disagree, there is NEVER no way out. Never. To believe such is a death sentence. And, yes, I have every right to speak on this as I have experienced it. (edited due to some really horrific spelling) ok...should have phrased that differently...Sometimes, the alternative is just as horrific as staying in the M. It's like choosing between the lesser of two evils...So, the BS is left having to make an agonizing choice...There are always exception to the rule...I seem to be one of them..I had to choose between moving back in w/ my parent's or staying w/ my CH...Neither one was acceptable at the time, so I gambled and took a chance that my H would make the necessary changes to make the M work. So far, we are making progress, but who knows? At least, if things do NOT work out, I will have prepared myself to be on my own in every way.
LuckyStar26 Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 All that being said, the decision to cheat is just that -- a knowing decision. If the person has any integrity they'll leave the current relationship before entering into a new one. I am 100% in agreement with the above statement by C. If your Marriage / relationship is on the rocks, there's no assistance to rebuilding when one spouse actively makes the choice to cheat on their SO. In the OP's case, his wife's reaction to her H's neglect was to choose to have an affair, rather than to to choose to try and work on her marriage. If OP's wife realised the problems within her marriage, she could have chosen to seperate from her H, take some time out and look at what / whom she wanted rather than involving another person in the agenda and ultimately destroying all of the trust / faith / love that was left in an already bad marriage. I mean.. come on, solo excursions, out with friends without her, although not particularly assisting to working on a marriage, hardly induces the same destruction of trust and love as having sex with someone else does?? Off-hire your current partner before indulging in another?
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 When someone uses the word culpable and states that there are no exceptions, the reaction will fit the original post. There's something so inherently wrong about cheating no matter how you look at it. It's underhanded, it's cowardly, it's immature, it's a breech of everything marriage stands for and everything a person with respect and honour should stand for. I don't think anyone is saying that the betrayed spouse is responsible for the adulterer's behavior. What I am saying is that adultery - just like spazzing out and calling your wife a bytch in an argument - is an unacceptable act, and there can be no excusing it; but there are circumstances prior to the adultery which might have led to an emotional atmosphere which made adultery more likely. Again, don't misunderstand me: we're in agreement that adultery is completely the wrong course of action to take here, morally and otherwise - I'm not debating that. I'm just pointing out that sometimes people react to adultery and assume that they had nothing to contribute to the situation that they now find themselves in. I've known married couples who have worked through adultery, and they were able to do it because 1) the adulterer accepted full responsibility for his/her actions; and 2) because the spouse accepted responsibility for his/her part of the state of affairs prior to that.
NoIDidn't Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I don't think anyone is saying that the betrayed spouse is responsible for the adulterer's behavior. What I am saying is that adultery - just like spazzing out and calling your wife a bytch in an argument - is an unacceptable act, and there can be no excusing it; but there are circumstances prior to the adultery which might have led to an emotional atmosphere which made adultery more likely. Again, don't misunderstand me: we're in agreement that adultery is completely the wrong course of action to take here, morally and otherwise - I'm not debating that. I'm just pointing out that sometimes people react to adultery and assume that they had nothing to contribute to the situation that they now find themselves in. I've known married couples who have worked through adultery, and they were able to do it because 1) the adulterer accepted full responsibility for his/her actions; and 2) because the spouse accepted responsibility for his/her part of the state of affairs prior to that. Amerikajin While I agree in spirit with what you have written in this thread, I do have a problem with it. Mostly because the WSs here and elsewhere latch onto that as if it justifies what they did. I have no problem admitting that my behavior (and boy was it bad) help create an atmosphere where infidelity might be considered. Problem is, either of us could have cheated because it was that bad at times. He cheated because of opportunity. I didn't cheat because of lack of opportunity, mostly. I personally think that the OP Guest was horribly neglecting his W, in deliberately excluding her (his words, I might add). She probably felt horribly rejected by him. Not that it justifies her cheating, but I can see why it happened. And I would venture that his acts towards her, felt to her that she was being cheated on even if it was just "hanging out with his friends". Forsaking all others doesn't just apply to infidelity. But, back to my main purpose for replying to this thread... WS blame the BS for cheating most of the time. And most of the time the BS has no idea that the WS even feels this way. So we have two people on these boards blaming the BSs for running the WSs away - the OW/OM and the WS. Everyone wants the BS to own up to why the WS cheated, but the WS and OW/OM want a free pass. I don't blame the BS for feeling blameless in the A. They didn't have it. When are the cheaters here going to admit that they have caused problems in their Ms? Like the serial cheater on another thread complaining about a lack of sex. When is he going to look at the lack of companionship in his M? What about his Ws feelings? As long as the Waywards come here looking to be pat on the back and for sympathy (continuing in the pattern that hooked the interloper), I see no reason for any betrayed here or elsewhere to say they were the problem when they are only going to be further blamed for someone else's STUPID decisions.
amerikajin Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Amerikajin While I agree in spirit with what you have written in this thread, I do have a problem with it. Mostly because the WSs here and elsewhere latch onto that as if it justifies what they did. I have no problem admitting that my behavior (and boy was it bad) help create an atmosphere where infidelity might be considered. Problem is, either of us could have cheated because it was that bad at times. He cheated because of opportunity. I didn't cheat because of lack of opportunity, mostly. I agree that a lot of adulterers do try to justify or rationalize their behavior upon discovery. There's the initial dust-up when emotions on both sides are raw and everything comes out. But once you get past that, I think both sides have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and at their relationship. The first step to recovery is that the adulterer has to acknowledge that what he did was out of bounds, above and beyond whatever wrongs were committed prior to that point. He has to accept that he was wrong, and he has to accept that acknowledgement of wrong and repentence is the first step to rebuilding a relationship. The adulterer owes his the partner a full explanation. But the next step is the tricky part: a lot of the time, when the adulterer explains why he cheated, and in the process of doing so explains that he felt like he/she was neglected, it becomes easy for the offended partner to invalidate them. The deep stigma attached to adultery in our society - which by the way does not exist nearly to the same extent or necessarily for the same reasons everywhere - serves to invalidate whatever the adulterer says. Often there is the presumption of moral superiority, and that whatever the other person says is simply not credible, even when they're talking about feelings rather than facts. I think it is equally important for the betrayed spouse to be as objective as possible. I know it's not easy, and it's probably impossible in the days immediately following discovery. But over the weeks and months that follow, I think this is a necessary part of the healing process. Even if it doesn't salvage this relationship, the knowledge gained can be used for future relationships. I adhere to my firm belief that it is very rare that one person is solely responsible for the demise of a relationship completely. There are plenty of situations when it might be, say, 60 percent, 75 percent or even 80 percent the fault of one party, but most of the time, it's evenly divided somewhere between 40 and 60 percent between the two. I know that I've been to blame in a lot of my relationships - not completely, but certainly I get my fair share. There's always something we can improve upon ourselves.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 My friend linked me here because my wife cheated on me with a guy from work. At first I was bristling with righteous anger the same way other posters here do. After my wife terminated the affair and we began counseling, it became more and more obvious the stages that preceded the affair. The difference between my wife and I was how we handled the stress of the crumbling marriage. I began to spend more and more time with my friends and taking the kids on solo outings without her. I regularly, and I realize now, deliberately excluded her. She, OTOH, had an affair. Problem is...what you did was easily forgivable....her infraction...is not. Just because I am not the cheating type does not make my behavior any less despicable. I see that very clearly now. Simply going to events with your kids without your wife is not less despicable than her spreading her legs for another man??...ok dude...if you say so. No, your neglect was wrong....but to compare what you did with what she did? Its apples and oranges. I what you say is true, then I should have went out and cheated on my wife.
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