I never thought this would happen! =(

[ailuv]

So I'm seeing this guy, everything is pretty much no strings attached. We always go out have a good time and that's about it. Well last week we went out and lets just say that things got a bit too heavy for my liking. We didn't go past kissing, but he had his hand under my skirt, ect. A few days after that he called me to get together again and I realized I had to tell him upfront that even though we kissed and what not, I wasn't interested in having sex with him.

 

As soon as I saw him I told him straight up that I would NOT be having sex with him, and I wouldn't be having sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, I also told him that I sure as heck wouldn't be doing it in his car either. After my little rant let's just say he was VERY offended, he coudlnt believe I was telling him these things and even said he couldnt believe I thought about him that way. He said that he liked me, and enjoyed spending time with me but he had never intended for anything else. He was very turned off.

 

After that he was very cold towards me, and even complained that he felt very different around me and he didnt see me the same way. He barely kissed me and even joked that if he did I would think he wanted to bed me. As he was leaving he told me not to worry about it, that he would get over it and that he didnt care that much. He also told me to call him or text him and he blew me a kiss. A few times he made comments about how different he felt around me and about how unconfortable being there with me was.

 

Its been almost five days and I have not heard from him. I sent him a text apologizing and asking if everything was ok between us the day after and he never replied. Later I sent him another text and he never replied either. He is totally ignoring me. What should I do? I really really like spending time with this guy and I feel like I really screwed things up. I maybe feel like I should have never told him these things, maybe I was too harsh...

 

Can someone please help me! I need all the advice I can get.

[Island Girl]

If he's kissing you and puts his hand up your skirt he wants to have sex with you.

 

He was thrilled things were going in that direction.

That is his ultimate goal.

 

Now that you called him on it - he tried to flip it around and make it your problem.

 

Sounds like you bought into that.

 

It isn't your problem. And if not having sex wasn't a problem for him - he'd have backed off the physicality but kept up the pursuit of the relationship.

 

He sounds young and not wanting a long range commitment. Since you are not willing to be a "fun for now" girl he is somewhat moving on to the next.

 

Be thankful you know now.

 

And good for you for not getting used for cheap thrills.

 

It would have ended soon after he got the goods anyway.

 

He is not looking to settle down or give anyone that kind of commitment.

 

Just wait for the one who appreciates you enough to enjoy time with you regardless of whether you are having sex with them or not.

And someone who isn't try to push you further than you want to go.

 

You are worth much more than that. Much more than he has to offer.

[westernxer]

Its been almost five days and I have not heard from him.

 

You could've prolonged the "let's just be friends" scenario another few weeks if you weren't so honest with him. So much for platonic relationships. Now you know he's a guy after all. LOL

[magda]

He's gone, girl. Sounds like that last was an evening from hell, anyway. Really, did he have to be such an as sabout it? good riddance, okay?

[Walk]

I would have been offended if she'd done the same thing to me. Her underlying message was fine.. it was how she voiced it that was offensive.

 

If a guy came up to you and said he NEVER wanted to have sex with you, and you thought the relationship was heading toward a relationship... how would you feel? If the person blew up at you after you'd thought you had had a mutually agreeable evening? Ranted about how you'd crossed the line when you never knew the line existed? Had told you they didn't want you to touch them again, then asked that everything go back to the fun environment it had been??

 

She blew up and basically said HE was wrong for what he did, then tried to explain that she really wanted him to commit before becoming more intimate. At that point, it sounds more like she was saying he's a creep for not being able to read her mind. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that? She couldn't verbalize her views and feelings well enough to have a discussion about it. All she did was tell him what would and would not happen, and then let him know she wanted even more from him than he was giving. Yet took away the option of sex in the future.

 

 

I don't think it was about him not getting sex. It seemed more offensive that she went along with the fooling around, then blew up later that it happened. Yet she was just as much a part of that fooling around as he was. She had the opportunity while it was happening to voice her views about waiting to have sex. But she said nothing. Then got pissed at him that it happened.

[DanielMadr]

I would have been offended if she'd done the same thing to me. Her underlying message was fine.. it was how she voiced it that was offensive.

 

If a guy came up to you and said he NEVER wanted to have sex with you, and you thought the relationship was heading toward a relationship... how would you feel? If the person blew up at you after you'd thought you had had a mutually agreeable evening? Ranted about how you'd crossed the line when you never knew the line existed? Had told you they didn't want you to touch them again, then asked that everything go back to the fun environment it had been??

 

She blew up and basically said HE was wrong for what he did, then tried to explain that she really wanted him to commit before becoming more intimate. At that point, it sounds more like she was saying he's a creep for not being able to read her mind. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that? She couldn't verbalize her views and feelings well enough to have a discussion about it. All she did was tell him what would and would not happen, and then let him know she wanted even more from him than he was giving. Yet took away the option of sex in the future.

 

 

I don't think it was about him not getting sex. It seemed more offensive that she went along with the fooling around, then blew up later that it happened. Yet she was just as much a part of that fooling around as he was. She had the opportunity while it was happening to voice her views about waiting to have sex. But she said nothing. Then got pissed at him that it happened.

 

Exactly. Excellent post as always.

[Shadowdog36]

Got to agree with Walk on this one. It's not what was said, it was how it was said.

 

Basically, you're telling him that you're in charge, and if he doesn't like it...tough. Kinda hard to be intimate, or nice to someone who's willing to put their foot down like that. Think maybe you could have toned it down a bit???

 

And to all the women on here that said that he was only looking for one thing...how do you know??? This guy seemed to be caught in the middle of something going on in this girl's head, and his reaction seems perfectly natural to me, whether he was looking for sex or not.

 

By saying that she's not going to have sex with him at all is the same as someone walking away from a relationship, then calling and trying to keep the emotional support. I think I saw them referred to as cake eaters in a thread or two. Had this come from the guy, we would have been telling him to walk away, cause she's being selfish in what she's asking for out of the relationship.

 

Ladies, don't be so quick to judge guys when the topic is sex. We're not idioits, and the majority of us can, and do think with our big heads!!!

[Hitman10000]

I disagree with rest of the guys on the point that it's "ailuv's fault."

 

No it's not. The guy that was basically "hanging out" was doing the friends first route for probably several weeks to several months and then at the right time he decided to proceed to sexual touching. You know, to normal women that's f*cking creepy. And to boyfriend/husband of a girlfriend/wife, that's a beating. I loathe guys that pretend to be friends with a girl when he has the hots for her. You see, sh*t like this wouldn't be happening if the guy started acting romantic from the start, but like most guys that I know they wait a couple weeks or months before attempting to make a move. That is lame.

[DanielMadr]

Got to agree with Walk on this one. It's not what was said, it was how it was said.

 

Basically, you're telling him that you're in charge, and if he doesn't like it...tough. Kinda hard to be intimate, or nice to someone who's willing to put their foot down like that. Think maybe you could have toned it down a bit???

 

And to all the women on here that said that he was only looking for one thing...how do you know??? This guy seemed to be caught in the middle of something going on in this girl's head, and his reaction seems perfectly natural to me, whether he was looking for sex or not.

 

By saying that she's not going to have sex with him at all is the same as someone walking away from a relationship, then calling and trying to keep the emotional support. I think I saw them referred to as cake eaters in a thread or two. Had this come from the guy, we would have been telling him to walk away, cause she's being selfish in what she's asking for out of the relationship.

 

Ladies, don't be so quick to judge guys when the topic is sex. We're not idioits, and the majority of us can, and do think with our big heads!!!

 

...and sex is natural part of relationship....at least for the mentally OK ones.

 

Telling him that he is a selfish, sexmaniac jerk and that you are disgusted of him. It was off the limits.

[Sassy]

If he's kissing you and puts his hand up your skirt he wants to have sex with you.

 

He was thrilled things were going in that direction.

That is his ultimate goal.

 

Now that you called him on it - he tried to flip it around and make it your problem.

 

Sounds like you bought into that.

 

It isn't your problem. And if not having sex wasn't a problem for him - he'd have backed off the physicality but kept up the pursuit of the relationship.

 

He sounds young and not wanting a long range commitment. Since you are not willing to be a "fun for now" girl he is somewhat moving on to the next.

 

Be thankful you know now.

 

And good for you for not getting used for cheap thrills.

 

It would have ended soon after he got the goods anyway.

 

He is not looking to settle down or give anyone that kind of commitment.

 

Just wait for the one who appreciates you enough to enjoy time with you regardless of whether you are having sex with them or not.

And someone who isn't try to push you further than you want to go.

 

You are worth much more than that. Much more than he has to offer.

 

I totally agree!! Glad you found out now instead of later and you developed feelings for him . You would have found out he was wanting to get in your pants and only just that. He didn't want a relationship that much is obvious. He was lying when he said he didn't want sex ...

[DanielMadr]

I disagree with rest of the guys on the point that it's "ailuv's fault."

 

No it's not. The guy that was basically "hanging out" was doing the friends first route for probably several weeks to several months and then at the right time he decided to proceed to sexual touching. You know, to normal women that's f*cking creepy. And to boyfriend/husband of a girlfriend/wife, that's a beating. I loathe guys that pretend to be friends with a girl when he has the hots for her. You see, sh*t like this wouldn't be happening if the guy started acting romantic from the start, but like most guys that I know they wait a couple weeks or months before attempting to make a move. That is lame.

 

Yes it is true Im not a fan of "lets be "friends" first" myself . It is not sincere and it is better to just shut up and give it a time.

 

On the other hand she is not 5year old....everyone knows its not about friendship and I dont think he said it...he was just casual till the night emotions got over them both. And he didnt attempt to rape her. They were kissing. Then her conscience kicks in and she doesnt want to appear that easy so she wants to cool it down but she just over-shoot it man.

[ailuv]

Wow, it seems like many of you have gotten the wrong idea from this post. Especially you Daniel, I didnt like your insinuation that only "mentally OK" women were okay with sex... that was rude and uncalled for. I never said to him he was disgusting or a rude sexmaniac jerk, don't put words into my mouth.

 

Then again, to all of you thinking that we were somehow in the way of a relationship... you are wrong. As I stated we were having no strings attached fun, from the beginning it was said by both of us that we were not looking for a relationship. We just enjoyed going out with each other, spending time together and kissing. The reason why I told him what I did, was because even though we were having fun and what not I do not feel ready to have sex with this person and to me having sex is something I prefer to do when I am in a relationship with someone. That's all.

[BlueEyedSarah]

From your post it does sound like he was just really looking to have sex with you and since you burst he's bubble by saying to him you don't want to have sex with him he made it out to look like you were on the wrong level as him, but he's actions as you have stated seems to be more of a move to the bedroom act.

 

I think he tried to make you feel guilty and in the wrong by saying what you said.

 

The way I see from your post he is not contacting you as you put your foot down and told him you will not be having sex with him.

 

He is not contacting you because he is looking for a girl who will be a friend with benifits.

 

You wont have sex with him, you will not be a friend with benifits, therefor there is nothing you can give him to make him stick around you.

[Trialbyfire]

If people like each other and have been kissing for weeks, it's natural progression to get beyond a little necking. If you're not ready, it's good to state that but not harshly because it can be disappointing to someone who's expecting more after the last date. For future consideration, when the guy calls you for another date, it might be a more appropriate time to gently suggest that things went a little too fast for you the previous night. Most guys will understand and if they don't, they have different goals than you do. Better sooner than later, if parting has to happen.

[DanielMadr]

Wow, it seems like many of you have gotten the wrong idea from this post. Especially you Daniel, I didnt like your insinuation that only "mentally OK" women were okay with sex... that was rude and uncalled for.

 

 

No I didnt say that only mentally OK girls are OK with sex. I said that sex is natural part of relationship and girls who see Relatinship(love) versus Sex are not mentally OK. I dont mean you are nuts just that your views are biased. Psychologists say that for example watching too much pornography has that effect on people....they start to see sex and love separately. So stop watching porn:D

or more likely stop being afraid so much that you could be viewed as sexual object. You hurt other people and yourself.

 

Trialbyfire said.

If people like each other and have been kissing for weeks, it's natural progression to get beyond a little necking.

and I agree.

 

I never said to him he was disgusting or a rude sexmaniac jerk, don't put words into my mouth.

 

But it was his translation.

 

Then again, to all of you thinking that we were somehow in the way of a relationship... you are wrong. As I stated we were having no strings attached fun, from the beginning it was said by both of us that we were not looking for a relationship. We just enjoyed going out with each other, spending time together and kissing. The reason why I told him what I did, was because even though we were having fun and what not I do not feel ready to have sex with this person and to me having sex is something I prefer to do when I am in a relationship with someone. That's all.

 

How do you think relationships begin? Are you a lawyer that needs written statement beforehand or what?

Look if he was moving too fast for your liking you should have been more diplomatic about it. I thought you are still interested in him. Swallow your pride then and apologize and clear it out....and try to be more consistent and dont expect mind reading. And dont be a jerk and stop making him your cuddle-bytch:o

[Walk]

Then again, to all of you thinking that we were somehow in the way of a relationship... you are wrong. As I stated we were having no strings attached fun, from the beginning it was said by both of us that we were not looking for a relationship. We just enjoyed going out with each other, spending time together and kissing.

 

Not a relationship, fine. But you were kissing and having fun with him... That's an ideal situation for miscommunication and crossed wires.

 

The reason why I told him what I did, was because even though we were having fun and what not I do not feel ready to have sex with this person and to me having sex is something I prefer to do when I am in a relationship with someone. That's all.

This would've been a great way to approach the subject. (above) The below was a horrible way to deal with the situation.

 

You said:

"I would NOT be having sex with him, and I wouldn't be having sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, I also told him that I sure as heck wouldn't be doing it in his car either."

You called it a "Rant".

 

You might as well have told him he's disgusting and a pervert.

 

Or you could've worded it just a tiny bit differently. Maybe left him feeling like you weren't judging him as a sex crazed lunatic. Maybe something so casual as to say "I wasn't comfortable with the other night, and I would rather hold off on the heavy petting until I'm in a committed relationship." It would've shown you owned your own actions. That you realize you made this decision after the fact and you're stating your views on it, without attacking him for not knowing where your line was. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he couldn't read your mind. Especially when you didn't even know where the line was. If you had known the line was there, and that you were against it from the start, then why didn't you say something then? And if you were participanting in the events, then how could he possibly know there was an invisible line there?

 

Again. It wasn't the fact that you wanted to hold off on sex that was the problem. What I don't agree with is that you blew up at him. You made this his fault for not being a mind reader.

[DanielMadr]

I (and Walk too I think) told you it had been your "fault" because I think you should apologize to this guy to repair things if you are interested NOT to judge you. And if you are not interested in repairing things (you should still apologize btw) it is better for you to hear the truth to not repeat you faults - change your attitude in dating arena.

 

Or we can say: Poor girl, you said this because you are such a victim and he was certainly another jerk only wanting your precious body. You are so sweet to have remorse because of him but you dont have to. Find someone who deserves you. Live on. Sounds great but it wont help you in long term.

[Pretty Fly]

If people like each other and have been kissing for weeks, it's natural progression to get beyond a little necking. If you're not ready, it's good to state that but not harshly because it can be disappointing to someone who's expecting more after the last date. For future consideration, when the guy calls you for another date, it might be a more appropriate time to gently suggest that things went a little too fast for you the previous night. Most guys will understand and if they don't, they have different goals than you do. Better sooner than later, if parting has to happen.

 

For the record, I agree with the above and Daniel & Walk. He likes you and thought the relationship was escalating. You just needed to let him know that you weren't ready. Not all men are b*st*rds.