Low Libido can be Normal

[Ripples]

Ok, I just thought I'd ask, a sudden change occasionally used to get me going

[Mr. Lucky]

her response is that I am not at fault, she in a big sense is saying that I cannot change anything. And since it is her fault and she is not changing, she is saying that she won't change.

I hope James that what you say here is not true. In this context, there is a big difference between "can't" and "won't". "Won't" change does not bode well for the long-term health of your marriage.

 

Mr. Lucky

[StayClose]

There's always the advice from sex columnist Dan Savage: If one spouse doesn't think sex is important enough to be worked on when the lack of it makes the other unhappy, then they should object if the other spouse wants to do this unimportant thing with someone else.

[MoonGirl]

James,

 

I forgot, but is your wife on hormonal birth control? Some types of birth control pills decrease ovary production of the natural steroid hormone androgen, and can cause decreased libido, and/or decreased vaginal lubrication.

 

I talked with one of the physicians I work with about your problem (hope you don't mind!), and she said that fatigue is one of the most common reasons for low libido in women. I know we've already discussed this previously, but maybe it's worth looking into again?

 

I feel really bad for you, James.

[JamesM]

Thank you, MG. I feel honored that you would discuss the problem with someone who could help. I really appreciate that.

 

No birth control needed here...I no longer carry live bullets.

 

And yes, fatigue could be a problem. But how do we solve that when I am not the person who needs the sleep?

 

And than you very much for your concern

[Salicious Crumb]

Wedding cake is known to cause very low libidos in women.

[confuzed2]

Guess I'll just state the obvious, but it's all about communication. We have a delicate situation since my wife is still working thru past rape, but she won't communicate during or after what she wants or doesn't want. I personally want to bring my wife to 'O'. At first I tried to go long so she could catch up with me, b/c I wanted the pleasure to be MUTUAL. She's only climaxed once and that was b/c we were both drinking that night, and it was like seeing another part of my wife and I liked it. It was the first time I'd seen the walls come down. I wanted to capture that experience again, but alas, it was just the alchohol. So now if I can't tell whether she's ok with it, 5 min into love making I'll ask if she wants me to 'wait' for her, or to make it quick, and she always says make it quick please:(

[a4a]

Nope. And earlier you said that it sounds like I am beating every bush, and you are right. I am. And if this marriage does not survive, I want to know that I did. Until I feel that I did, I will stay. Until the negative outweighs the positive, I will keep trying.

 

James what is your wife doing to solve this?

 

Is she reading books? Is she asking for advice? Is she looking into female "viagra"?

 

No?

 

I so understand the need to go to the end of the earth to find a reason or a cure..... I so get that. But what is she doing? Is she in IC? Is she aware? Is she trying to do anything at all?

 

It sounds like she threw you some crumbs to shut you up....so she is aware but chooses not to confront or help the situation?

 

You are in a M which is a partnership..... if a problem comes up you work on it as a partnership. What is she doing to save your M and to attempt to meet your needs?

[MoonGirl]

Thank you, MG. I feel honored that you would discuss the problem with someone who could help. I really appreciate that.

 

No birth control needed here...I no longer carry live bullets.

 

And yes, fatigue could be a problem. But how do we solve that when I am not the person who needs the sleep?

 

And than you very much for your concern

 

As a4a has mentioned, your wife needs to take an active role in trying to meet your needs. She has to work on her issues (like fatigue) in order to be able to have a happy and successful relationship with you. Based on our past discussions, I certainly don't think your expectations are out of line. I have heard some guys stating they need sex daily, but from what I remember, you would be more than happy with 1-2 times per week. This is reasonable, and it is also reasonable that you'd like her to actively participate.

 

As for helping her solve her fatigue problem, perhaps her working 1st shift would help a bit along with getting a baby sitter for the kids one night per week so she can spend some time alone or some time with you. Massage is also a big tension reliever and can help with relieving some fatigue.

[Horse]

Actually the title of this thread is kind of depressing. If you accept that it is normal, then you can't really expect anything to change. Then it just becomes a matter of accepting that you married the wrong person... But then you don't really know what a womans libido will be like, until you have been with her for a few years... So basically, unless you are lucky, you're screwed.

 

if it's

It's normal for men to have a high libido.

and

It's normal for women to have a low libido.

 

then

It's normal for married men to feel frustrated and rejected.

 

Sounds like a pretty good argument against getting married.

 

 

But then I thought: Normal is only what is commonly accepted. "Normal" changes all the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

So basically, unless you are lucky, you're screwed.

According to most married men, not often enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecordProducer]

You are in a M which is a partnership..... if a problem comes up you work on it as a partnership. What is she doing to save your M and to attempt to meet your needs?

This is such great advice for any probelm in any marriage. All of us should ask ourselves: who is trying to work on the problems, both of us or one of us?

[JamesM]

This is such great advice for any probelm in any marriage. All of us should ask ourselves: who is trying to work on the problems, both of us or one of us?

 

Sadly, as many of us have experienced, it is usually only one of us.

 

Studies have shown that many marriages work simply because one of the partners is the one who tries to keep things fixed. But it is usually the one who gets the other partner motivated to fix his or her problem.

 

The catch is that the "non-working" partner must then stay motivated on his or her own or the marriage will not keep thriving.

[RecordProducer]

Sadly, as many of us have experienced, it is usually only one of us.

 

Studies have shown that many marriages work simply because one of the partners is the one who tries to keep things fixed. But it is usually the one who gets the other partner motivated to fix his or her problem.

 

The catch is that the "non-working" partner must then stay motivated on his or her own or the marriage will not keep thriving.

The problem is usually that one partner wants to fix things and wants to actually work on it, but when they don't get any feedback from the other party, they constantly tap in step 1 - which is recognizing that a problem exists. So when one spouse, let's say a woman, feels that something should be fixed and worked on, but her husband doesn't, she keeps repeating to him that the problem exists, while he denies it. So what look to him and her like constant fighting is actually step number one in resolving any issue - she recognizes a problem and wants a change. If the other spouse would cooperate, the fights would transform into constructive conversations about the changes they should make.

[a4a]

The problem is usually that one partner wants to fix things and wants to actually work on it, but when they don't get any feedback from the other party, they constantly tap in step 1 - which is recognizing that a problem exists. So when one spouse, let's say a woman, feels that something should be fixed and worked on, but her husband doesn't, she keeps repeating to him that the problem exists, while he denies it. So what look to him and her like constant fighting is actually step number one in resolving any issue - she recognizes a problem and wants a change. If the other spouse would cooperate, the fights would transform into constructive conversations about the changes they should make.

 

It will always be one of the duo that initiates the "fix" as it may only be seen as a problem to one of the duo.

 

If after repeated attempts with clear and thoughtful communication the other part of the duo refuses to see there is an issue that is where it becomes clear that they are not interested in/appreciate you as a true partner.

 

I have been through this for almost a year. (the tater)..... I found that by saying things like " this is not just about me, this effects you as well" -explained how it effects him. (much more to this just too no time to get in depth)

 

Ignoring and refusing to meet the needs of your partner can be caused by so many things - Power struggles, control issues, childhood issue, habitual azzholiness, ego, fear, habitual taker, and just plain laziness. The worst -they just don't care that much about you.

 

Constantly making excuses for them only feeds the monster. And you will never have any success solving the problem until the other part of the duo actually see's that there is a problem........ if it does not bother them, it is not a problem.

 

For example James when you get shot down for sex do you not indeed end up treating your W differently than you would if she did meet your needs?

 

So it does effect her..... she may not be aware it does..... but most likely it certainly does.

 

I hate paying my utility bills, never something I ever want to do...... but what if the utility companies just let it slide and I did not really have to pay....... why should I? I know they want me to pay but they will never shut off the juice..... I might pay sometimes, but obviously it is not that important that I pay or they would shut off the juice. So I will continue to take advantage of them, wouldn't you?

[StayClose]

Sadly, as many of us have experienced, it is usually only one of us.

 

Studies have shown that many marriages work simply because one of the partners is the one who tries to keep things fixed. But it is usually the one who gets the other partner motivated to fix his or her problem.

 

The catch is that the "non-working" partner must then stay motivated on his or her own or the marriage will not keep thriving.

 

In my marriage, both of us feel like we're the one's trying to fix it and hat the other isn't doing his/her share.

 

We agree that we have communication problems, but we both think it is the other who can't communicate properly. She says I belittle and insult her, or I clam up and don't tell her what I'm thinking. I feel frustrated when my words are repeatedly misinterpreted as belittling or insults, so to avoid fights about her hurt feelings over things I don't actutally say, I sometimes just keep quiet.

 

She tells me I need to "hear" here more and not take her for granted so much. I feel like I DO hear her and I DON'T take her for granted. How do you objectvely measure this?

 

I feel like she vents her feelings of stress, anger and frustration at me innappropriately and is sometimes verbally abusive. She claims she is simply being honest about her feelings, and that it's my job to "hear" her.

 

I think we need to have more and better sex. She says I need to respect her feelings when doesn't want to have sex for weeks, or be happy with "stick it in and get it over with quick" sex.

 

She feels I need to quit my job where I like the work and the people and get one paying 10-15K more to fix out financial problems. I think she needs needs to figure out how she can earn the same money she did 5 years ago before we had financial problems.

 

She says she needs to "feel" that she can trust me and count on me. But while I do have control over my actions, and have no control over what she "feels," yet I am made responsible for what she feels.

 

So often times it can both both people working on it, but they don't agreee what is causing the problem, or how to fix it.

[a4a]

In my marriage, both of us feel like we're the one's trying to fix it and hat the other isn't doing his/her share.

 

We agree that we have communication problems, but we both think it is the other who can't communicate properly. She says I belittle and insult her, or I clam up and don't tell her what I'm thinking. I feel frustrated when my words are repeatedly misinterpreted as belittling or insults, so to avoid fights about her hurt feelings over things I don't actutally say, I sometimes just keep quiet.

 

She tells me I need to "hear" here more and not take her for granted so much. I feel like I DO hear her and I DON'T take her for granted. How do you objectvely measure this?

 

I feel like she vents her feelings of stress, anger and frustration at me innappropriately and is sometimes verbally abusive. She claims she is simply being honest about her feelings, and that it's my job to "hear" her.

 

I think we need to have more and better sex. She says I need to respect her feelings when doesn't want to have sex for weeks, or be happy with "stick it in and get it over with quick" sex.

 

She feels I need to quit my job where I like the work and the people and get one paying 10-15K more to fix out financial problems. I think she needs needs to figure out how she can earn the same money she did 5 years ago before we had financial problems.

 

She says she needs to "feel" that she can trust me and count on me. But while I do have control over my actions, and have no control over what she "feels," yet I am made responsible for what she feels.

 

So often times it can both both people working on it, but they don't agreee what is causing the problem, or how to fix it.

 

sounds like she is saying that you really are not hearing her = you don't see/act as if her points as being valid or real.

 

people yell and scream so they can be heard.... they just want the other person to understand them.

 

this deserves its own thread...

[RecordProducer]

This was a great post, a4a.

 

For example James when you get shot down for sex do you not indeed end up treating your W differently than you would if she did meet your needs?

He rewards her rejection with even more affection hoping to get his needs met.

[Mr. Lucky]

He rewards her rejection with even more affection hoping to get his needs met.

Based on that, sounds like one would be reinforcing the wrong behavior. The Catch 22 for guys in that situation is that punishing her rejection with even less affection ends them up in the same place - little or no sex...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CynicalP]

According to most married men, not often enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So Mr. lucky I take it your forum handle is an oxymoron?

[JamesM]

For example James when you get shot down for sex do you not indeed end up treating your W differently than you would if she did meet your needs?

 

I have often wondered this. The fact is that I think I do treat her differently. And I may reward the wrong behavior. After I have had sex, I feel somewhat "satiated" so I don't feel the need. But this is when I need to become very loving and appreciative. Take this morning....Yep, we made love. Now today I am trying to really show affection and appreciation. And this morning when we had sex, it was the "cuddle kind." Ie...it was alot about hugging, kissing, and touching rather than having the emphasis on performance and passion. I was satisfied and she was satisfied, but she was in the mood for the intimacy and conversation while "doing it," and I enjoyed that, but I also liked (Obviousy) the sex.

 

Today at work, I found a sweet note tucked in with my cookies, so when I was home at lucnh, I definitely said how that was so special. This is the angle that I am working on. In the book mentioned here, this was one of the strategies suggested. Embellish on what makes her happy in sex, and then (hopefully) she will return the favor. She looks more for love and affection while I like sex and affection. We both like affection, so this our common ground. So, I do not want to comment that her performance needs improvement, or I do not want to ask if she had an orgasm. No, I need to focus on making her affection needs satisfactory, and then she will enjoy sex more. Then she will enjoy all aspects. Now, we shall see if this improves our sex life.

 

He rewards her rejection with even more affection hoping to get his needs met.

 

RP, at first I said no when I read this, but then I got to thinking. You seem to know me . And you are probably right. It becomes like a challenge to get the goal of sex. She rejects me, so I try something else. and every time, it involves showing her affection. As I stated above, I actually need to reverse this. I need to reward the behavior I want, not the behavior I do not want. Even though I am trying to get the desirable behavior, my actions show that I only reward the one that does not give me pleasure.

[RecordProducer]

Please check these two links. They might be helpful.

 

http://drhotzeblog.netymology.com/2006/09/25/what-causes-low-libido-in-women/

 

http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-25-2004-55915.asp

[tanbark813]

I need to reward the behavior I want, not the behavior I do not want.

 

Hey hey, he's starting to get it.

[Mr. Lucky]

So Mr. lucky I take it your forum handle is an oxymoron?

Actually, CynicalIP, things are going very well in my marriage right now, sexually and otherwise. I don't want to hijack James's thread so I will post my happy ending elsewhere

 

Mr. Lucky

[CynicalP]

I am happy to read that things are turning around for both JamesM and you Mr. Lucky. Hang in there guys!