soulseeker Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 So six months later I am having touble letting go of the "immense potential" we had. On so many deep levels, deep to both of us, we just really connected. We connected on banal levels too. I have this ridiculous sinking feeling that I will never connect again with someone who "lights my fire," if you will. This is ridiculous, right? I mean, there cant just be one, right? ? ? The reason we didnt work out is because neither one of us really had ourselves in order, emotionally, I mean. Hadnt really resolved issues from our childhood and that caused a lot of problems. I get panicky and feel desperate for him when I think I might never meet someone I connect with again. I know it's only been six months, but it was a powerful relationship. I dont want to get back into the relationship we had, but I feel like I have made huge progressions where I have needed to. Because of this, I assume he has as well. I wouldnt know, we havent talked since the breakup. He tried to call me three times, left ambiguous messages, and because of that, the ambiguity, I only called him once when I knew he would not answer and said I didnt know what there was to talk about. He never called again. He got to be pretty emotionally abusive at the end. I truly do NOT want that relationship back. But I cannot help but think about how great we could be if he worked on his stuff too. Someone who's gone through this and made it out the other side. PLEASE, tell me how you moved on. Thank you.
AriaIncognito Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I can't post how to get through this, but reading this point, it could have been written by me. You've basically stated to the letter exactly how I feel about my current ex. It's extremely difficult to give up on the person you believed they could be or the relationship you could have had. He and I had that "connection" as well and I find it hard to believe that it will come along again, but I guess our hope is, it DID come around for us so that proves it's possible. It can happen again, but only if we let it. So, our best bet, is to do all that we can, to allow ourselves to let go of the "relationships that aren't" so that we can welcome in the next ones that might be.... Good luck to you.
Shadowdog36 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I could also swear that you were the woman that's captured my mind for the past 5 months. We both had issues from our past that kept her at arms length and me as a needy, clingy person when she withdrew. Huge potential, and one awkward moment that made us realize that, as much as we wanted it, neither of us were ready for the other. For me, it took hitting bottom to realize that I can't change her the way I am, so I've done things to better myself. I'm on antidepressants, I've joined a gym and already lost over 20 lbs. in a month. I quit smoking, a 20 year habit, on Valentines Day (decided to love myself...not THAT way!!! ). The bottom line...I am a different person today, and I still think about her and what we could have been, but I can't get her to talk to me to show her all of that. I got really angry around Christmas and said some pretty mean things that I later apologized for, but the damage was done. If you still have those feelings for him, and you still think there's something, anything worth salvaging, then why not allow yourself the possibility that he's changed? I have, and she'll never know, and that makes me sad, not cause I've done this for her, but because I want her to see what she's missing. I will be a better person because of her, in spite of her, inspired by her, without her.
Author soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 I want so badly to contact him. The thing is, he said so many horrible things to me. He was selfish, withholding, and could be so cold hearted. I feel like I walked away from all of that cleanly. I made no spectical, I just left. And, as fas as he is concerned, I havent looked back. I fell like I got some self respect back, and, ironically, he probably respects me more for it too. So if I contact him now, which would be a huge gamble - I have no idea how he feels about me - I could lose all that I have fought for in the aftermath. Dont you think if he wanted to get back with me, he would contact me? He was the dumper. Yes, he called 3 times about 2 mos after, but he never said I miss you, I f'd up...he just said he hoped I was doing well and if I felt like talking to call him. His last message he said "I said to call me if you feel like talking and you never did, so that is why I have not bugged you or tried to get in contact." (paraquoting). Throughout our relationship, he was back and forth about me/us. He told that I was both and not the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He was so f-ing critical of me. But there was this really beautiful part of his soul that resonated with mine, and I didnt just take his criticism, I was vocal about it and we called each other out on our ****. Which is what I want in a relationship. I feel very strongly that we met too early, or we are not done. Part of me wants to contact him so he will tell me to f-off and I'll have my answer. Part of me thinks not enough time has elapsed. Part of me thinks we are not right for each other.
scubafish Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 hmmm, is there a way you could 'accidentally' run ino him? might open a door for you. I seem to be doing alot of 'relationship' reading lately, and pretty much everything says there are multiple people out there who you can 'connect' with, and people do have different deep loves in their life. so I think if you can open yourself to the possibility of meeting another, it will come along. and this time it good even be better. I know right now that is hard to believe, that anything could be better, but there must be some aspects that you would have liked different?
Shadowdog36 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 His little 'Hey how ya doing? Call if you want' is his way of opening the door and seeing if you'll step through. He's not ready to commit to the fact that he's the one that made a mistake, but the fact that he re-initiated contact is a big step. You should proceed with caution, as he is trying to do the same thing. Keep it slow, and if you've always had an open enough relationship where you call each other on their s**t, then it sounds like you need to have an open conversation about what you're going to do, whether it be together, or apart.
Author soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 Thanks for the input. I mean it. I guess I am stuck on the fact that he was so back and forth about us, and I mean 180 back and forth. Dont you think that should be my answer? Is it possible for someone to think you are the one and tell you otherwise at times? I'm so clouded by what I want and think I want, I'm not a reliable source of insight for myself right now. The last time we had a face to face was about a week after I moved out. He said that he missed us, but it got so frustrating. I cut him off at frustrating and said, "no, we made the right decision." When I said that, I could see him physically sink. I said that I thought the problem was that we just wanted different things, to which he replied, no we want the same thing. I said, maybe thats why this sucks. And yes, there were many things about him I didnt like, but I loved him inspite of all that. Isnt that what is supposed to happen? Then I'll have days, weeks, when I dont miss him at all and I can breath freely away from him and everything he projected onto me.
81West Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I will be a better person because of her, in spite of her, inspired by her, without her. Shania Twain once made me laugh out loud when she said in an interview that she wished she had written 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters' (sic). It's not quite the same stretch, but I wish I would have written these words that you wrote. So many perfect echos of my own grief there, except my she's a he. I'm am so tired of 4 o'clock in the morning.
jefeco99 Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I am going through the exact same thing. Me and my gf broke up a year ago. We had MAJOR issues with each other. always fighting, yelling, wondering why the other one was immature. She had jealousy issues and I didn't know how to handle any situation. I can't count the number of times we broke up or the times she left my apartment slamming my door. But gosh I loved that woman. I know it sounds stupid, but in between all the fighting we were so right for each other. We complemented each other in every single way and I just knew she was the one that I should be with. When we weren't fighting, I just remember the times she fell asleep in my arms and I was thankful for having her with me. So yes, we did break up because I decided to take a trip with my friends and she wasn't cool about it. We broke up because of it and she started dating someone else right away. Shes getting married now in 3 weeks and it kills me to think that we are not going to spend our lives together. I still talk to her though. She tells me that she hates thinking about me still, despite her getting married. That we should have been able to work things out, and now everything we ever wanted isn't ever going to happen. She also told me that she doesn't feel like she could ever love anyone like the way she loved me. That was bitter sweet to hear. Anyway, that just a fraction of my story. The main thing I learned is to not let someone I love get away. I will love again and so will you. Just learn some lessons from your past. As for me, I am learning to say "yes, i admit I was wrong."
Sand&Water Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Reply: Someone who's gone through this and made it out the other side. PLEASE, tell me how you moved on. Some people make it -some people don't. You do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Fighting is only going to prolong your pain and troubles. Don't try. Let go -let go of it. You sit back, think all you want about it -but at the end of the day or month you will understand it. I hope you make it out on the other side, Soulseeker. Sand&Water
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