Giving her gifts to goodwill?

March 10, 2007

One of the things that bothered me most about my break up was that she acted distant over Christmas while I was away; I called her on it and she persisted everything was fine. I come back, we exchange gift and she takes me to dinner to celebrate my birthday (note, I knew something was up because I almost had to guilt her into making time for this, but she apologized and persisted everything was fine). I didn't spend extravagantly, but I gave her some very thoughtful gifts and did spend more than she spent on me.

1 week later she dumped me.

1 week before we exchanged gifts, her ex bf of 5 years proposed to her, coinciding with her acting distant.

I felt like she abused my love. I've removed every reminder of her from my life, all photos, I threw away a scarf she knitted me, etc. She gave me a nice mid-weight jacket and a pop-culture t-shirt that I really liked. Then she dumped me. When I learned about her ex 1 month after the break up, I entertained the idea of sending the gifts she gave me back to her out of spite. I did not. I kept them. I really like them, actually, and wearing them doesn't make me think more of her than I already do, but it does remind me that she lied to me. No way, in my opinion, should we have exchanged gifts when her ex proposed to her (she said no).

I know I can't change this, I just have to deal with it, and it's not the monetary value but the symbolic value of having my trust violated.

Would giving the clothes to good will be a symbolic cleansing act? Or am I just being petty. I'm a broke graduate student and really like the jacket and t-shirt she gave me. I need the jacket. But they just remind me of her lack of integrity. It's only been two months and I have some time before I'll be healed, but I'm curious what people think about this? Should I get rid of them or do I just need more time to heal?

March 10, 2007

The jacket definetly reminds you of her and you are obviously not over her yet. When me and my ex broke up I put all the stuff that reminded me of her in a box and I took the box to my parents.

1. That way I don't have to have the stuff remind me of her.

2. I have to drive 20 minutes to take a look in the box.

3. I don't have to throw the nice stuff away.

I haven't looked in the box since we broke up and I don't plan to do it. Actually I had forgotten about the box until I read this post. It will probably bring back some good memories to look in the box in few years, when I will be fully over her.

March 10, 2007

No, I'm not over her . I wish I were, it's been 2 months and we dated for not quite 6, but it's the way things went down vs. the actual break up that has more set me back.

It's getting warmer and I won't need the jacket much. Maybe I'll put it away and refuse to wear it until next winter when it won't bother me. Everything else, pictures, emails, etc have been deleted. I don't have her phone number. Small little gifts, burnt cd's have been thrown out. The only thing I have left are the Christmas gifts because I figure she got nice things from me! I might as well have some compensation.

I think it's a good call. Put the jacket and the tshirt in a box. I won't need the jacket until November. By then I'll be long over her!

March 10, 2007

It takes time my good man. 2 months is a short time after a breakup and you'll probably suffer some setbacks in the coming weeks

There are five months since my ex broke up with me and I still think about her a lot. But it doesn't set me back anymore to see photos of her and stuff like that. It just takes time and I hope that soon I will have a day without thinking about her

I'm quite happy though, she broke up with me a week before her birthday. It spared me a lot of money on a gift for her and her twin sister and also a saved me money for christmas presents

Take care, and if the stuff she gave you bothers you ... then don't use it

March 10, 2007

Either idea works well.

The gifting to Goodwill is a nice gesture of having something good come from something bad. There's an elegant symbolism behind this that I can really appreciate.

On the other hand, if you really like the gifts, it's also a good idea to pack them away until the cold season comes back, when you're stronger and have moved completely forward so the items are just items of clothing.

Either way, good move.

March 10, 2007

When I got dumped I had some gifts from my boyfriend so I got rid of all the gifts he gave me to help me heal myself.

In my opinion getting rid of the gifts helped a lot as it made me try get my life back on track the way it was before he came into my life.

March 11, 2007

Getting rid of the small items such as the scarf she knit me was cleansing. I don't need those reminders. I feel she would have dumped me sooner but knew gifts were already purchased, or she didn't want to do it before the holidays. My biggest thing with the break up is knowing what I would and would not do to someone, and, well, if I were in her situation, I would give the other person the gifts I bought them but tell them to return the ones they got me .

I don't think her gifts remind me of her as much as they are a reminder that I was LIED TO. Not telling me she was proposed to, even if she said no, is a BIG DEAL! I feel my love was taken advantage of.

I think the course of action is to pack the jacket away for a while. It's a nice one, something I need, and it looks good on me. I'm sure next winter (I live in SoCal) I'll have no problems with it.

It makes me wonder, however, what she did with my gifts? Does she wear the watch I gave her or the blouse, and how do those things make her think of me?

March 11, 2007

I dunno, it can be just as symbolic and cleansing to wear the stuff and not care. I am not seeing her "lack of integrity" and I'm sorry to say I'm thinking you are indeed being a bit petty in your thoughts. She told you everything was fine when it was apparently not, but otherwise, it doesn't sound like she did anything all that wrong. Her ex proposed, well, she said no. She was falling out of it with you but she apparently kept trying, not ready to let you go, maybe not sure yet if that's what she wanted. She went out to dinner (and didn't even make you guilt her into it. ) She bought you a nice jacket and shirt. I dunno, it doesn't sound like she's the devil you would like her to be even if she spent less than you on xmas presents.

I'm not trying to piss you off and I totally understand where you're coming from. I just think your anger is what is keeping you from letting go. When you can see that she's not evil and think about this objectively you'll be truly over her. It just didn't work out, it wasn't in the cards. Don't hate-that will just hold you back.

March 11, 2007

Thanks Magda for your objectivity. I do need to let go. Looking back, I view her with fondness. She didn't tell me about her ex because she didn't want to hurt me. While I would have prefered honesty, it doesn't make her the devil. I do feel she lacks integrity because she did not tell me, but not because of the gifts. I don't care about that so much as her not being honest with me about her reasons for breaking up. Even those reasons, however, were because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. True, she doesn't realize that obnoxious, unclear reasons will hurt more than the truth, and that is a sign that she isn't a match for me, but it doesn't make her evil.

I feel she is a good person but she is bad at confrontation. Most of my remaining anger isn't about her, it is about me. Her reasons for breaking up with me made no sense, so when 4 weeks later I found out about her ex, I jumped to the conclusion that he was why she dumped me. She never told him she had a bf. Yes, I felt betrayed. I expressed harsh words at her and I apologized for them, but all of her friends now hate me and since our social circles overlap, I'm kind of ostricized. I want to remember her as a good person and be thankful for our experiences. I think she is a lovely woman. Her only fault is passivity when things are tough for her.

Now, it is a big deal, even if she knew she was going to dump me, that she was proposed to and didn't mention it. She should have mentioned it in some way. Omitting that is the same as lying, but it's not the end of the world.

I am slightly petty about this and I agree I need to let go. The hard part is that she didn't forgive me for flipping out -- it was an understandable and forgiveable reaction given my full story -- and her friends, who were my friends, hate me. In her mind, she did nothing wrong; she was trying to spare my feelings and let me down easy. In the first month following the break up, I was too hurt to receive the information about her ex. A month later, I can look back on her differently.

Really, what is preventing me from moving on is forgiving myself. I've burned bridges with friends because I sent a drunken email saying "it's pathetic how selfish you are. you lied to me. **** you." when I learned about her ex. This reaction was fueled by (1) her persisting she did have feelings for me and was falling for me but couldn't be with me because she didn't know who she was and she needed to find herself and (2) her asking to be friends with benefits 2 weeks after she dumped me. I was in too much pain, too confused, and feeling too used.

If she would have just said "you are such an amazing person but I don't feel we are right for each other" there would have never been a problem, even if I learned about her ex. If she hadn't asked for friends with benefits, I never would have flipped out when I learned about her ex.

I feel she is a good woman despite what she put me through. I actually would like us (1 year from now) to be on friendly terms. The hard part is that the bridge is burned and her friends hate me because I acted irrationally when I learned about her ex. I struggle to forgive myself. I'd very much want to see her, give her a hug, and express forgiveness of each other but that is something that won't ever happen. She won't allow it. We both acted immaturely and did and said things we wish we could take back. My problem is that I have taken back what I said, I have apologized to her. She won't acknowledge it. Somehow I'm the bad guy. What I really want is for her to take a little bit of responsibility. I know I'm a great person. I don't need her validation of that (or her friends), but I would like it, because I see no reason for people not to be friendly with each other. I see no reason for animousity.

She led me on, claimed to love me, but either did not mean it or changed her mind. That happens in relationships. It is ok that she wasn't upfront and honest about her reasons for dumping me. The gift exchange is ok. I do forgive her after time has passed. What bothers me is I am not forgiven. I try to forgive myself but I really just want to hug it out. I honestly don't see a reason why we can't be on friendly terms though we can't be friends, and it really bothers me that her friends have hostility towards me. I don't think she is a bad person. I think she is a good person. I've expressed this to her in my apologies for overreacting when I learned about her ex. But she won't have anything to do with it. I feel that is where I am still angry with her. If she had been honest with me, I would have understood, I never would have overreacted, and I would not have alienated friends. I'm angry with her because she has some blame in that. I can't accept all responsibility. The gifts are an excuse for how I really feel: disappointed that things ended with harsh word, some embarrassment, and the loss of a social cirlce.

March 11, 2007