Stalking...

[Tormented]

I'm at a point I don't know what to do. So I'm turning to you guys for answers. This really has gotten out of hand.

 

Most of you know the looong, ugly story surrounding my breakup 7 months ago. The breakup itself and the way it happened was enough for me to deal with without his current games/BS. Enough is enough and I need to do something about it, but not sure what.

 

From the beginning of our breakup, my ex made it a sport to call my house and then sit silent when I answered. This would happen several times per week, even when he had his trashy ex living there with him.

 

He also made it a habit to drive by me during my lunch break on a daily basis, waving as we passed but I never waved back.

 

Finally, I changed my phone number and stopped driving home for lunch to avoid him.

 

He remained silent for awhile, although he was seen by me and others driving near my neighborhood although he had no reason to.

 

After a few weeks passed, he finally called my cell and said he would like to have a face to face meeting with me to "talk about things." I declined, told him I didn't think that was a good idea but I'd write him a letter and explain how the breakup has effected me, the hurt it caused, and where I'm at now. I did write the letter, telling him at the end of the letter that I wished him well and goodbye.

 

A week or so after I sent the letter, he went to my son's place of employment and told my son about the letter, describing it as a "mean letter." Told my son to tell me that if I wanted to "discuss the contents of that letter" to call him. I thought about it for a few days and decided that yes, I would like to hear what he has to say. So I called his house and left a message to call me when he could.

 

He called me that same night and we talked for quite awhile. He told me there is nothing he could do or say to "fix" what he did, for the pain he caused me. Again I wished him well and that was that.

 

But he called again the next night, trying to keep the conversation light and humerous. I enjoyed talking to him and things went well, but I let him know that going back was NOT an option. I told him we could be friends but nothing more. He sounded a bit down about this, but agreed. I figured he'd finally let it go and I would most likely not hear from him again.

 

Wrong! He called AGAIN the next night. This time, he started talking about the "good" times we had, reminding me of things we've done and said. He described these times as "real love." I told him that I could never forgive him nor trust him for what he did. He asked me to spend a day with him and see how I felt about him after doing so. I told him no, I didn't want to and that I have moved on. He said.."Well, if you change your mind, call me." I agreed and we hung up. Needless to say, I have NOT changed my mind, nor will I ever and have NOT called him.

 

Two days after that conversation, I saw his truck in the parking lot of a market I pass by on my way home from work. Again, there is absolutely no reason for him to he in this area. His town is about 20 miles from here. When I passed by the market, he quickly pulled out of the lot and drove behind me, passing by me so that I would see him.

 

Then, a few days after that I got a call on my cell phone from a man who called himself "Jesse." I didn't pick up this call and he left a message saying..."I received a call from this number and I'm calling back to see who you are. This is Jesse and I'd like you to call back." I knew it was my ex although he tried to disguise his voice. I didn't call back, just let things be. But I noticed the area code he called from was a (707), which is from the coast of Northern Calif. That's where my ex grew up and has a lot of connections at. I received another call from "Jesse" the following day, this time from the area code in this area. I picked up on this call and told this "Jesse" that I did not call him, didn't know who he was nor how he got my number. And the more he talked, the more I knew it was my ex...especially when he laughed. I finally told him I knew who it was, which he denied. So I hung up. Haven't gotten another call from "Jesse" again.

 

Till now, that is. Got a panicked call from my mother who lives about 200 miles from me claiming that she got a call on her cell phone from a man who asked to speak to me. My mom said it surprised her, so she asked him to repeat the name. She said he again asked to speak to me. My mom told him there was nobody by that name that lives there. She said he remained quiet for a few seconds, then started arguing with her about it. She hung up on him. She said the call came from a (818) area...which would be from the Southern Calif area. She said she KNEW it was my ex because she remembers his voice. Why he would call from South Calif is anybody's guess.

 

Thing is, I have NEVER given out my mom's cell phone to anybody BUT my ex. I gave it to him when we were together and I had to travel down to my mom's when she had to have eye surgery. I can't think of another person that would call my mom's cell phone and ask for me.

 

I do believe that my ex is buying TracFones in different areas and using them to call me or people associated with me....hence the different area codes. But it makes it very difficult to prove it's my ex. Unlike cell phones, you don't have to register your name to the phone number given to you when buying a Tracfone, or at least, I don't think you do.

 

When I found out he called my mom, or at least she and I are fairly sure it was him, I came unhinged. My mother has been very ill...has recently had 3 surgeries for a detached retina and does NOT need these harrassing phone calls.

 

We all know it's him, but I don't know how to prove it's him and am not sure as to what I can do about it. If I call the police, what am I to tell them? That I THINK my ex is stalking me? Without proof, I don't think there's much they can do about it.

 

At this point, I just don't know what to do..how to approach this. I think he's doing it to get a rise out of me, hoping I'll contact him about it...in which case he'll deny it, of course.

 

All I know is I want it to stop!!!

 

My family and friends are very worried about this. They wonder how far he'll take it and worry that because nothing he has done has worked so far, he'll take it to another level that will cause my physical harm.

 

Personally, I don't think he would do something like that. But then again, I never thought he'd be capable of doing what he has so far. So maybe I should worry.

 

I'm so sorry for this long post...I just don't know what to do at this point.

 

Please help, guys!

 

~T~

[oppath]

Yes, at this point I would involve the police. There may or may not be anything they can do right now, but if future incidents occur, they can be poised to act upon it.

[Tormented]

Yes, at this point I would involve the police. There may or may not be anything they can do right now, but if future incidents occur, they can be poised to act upon it.

 

Well, yeah...I thought about that. But other than the random calls from various area codes, I have no other proof. And I think that's why he's doing it this way...to make sure I have no solid proof.

 

It just blows me away that I got involved with somebody THIS sneaky, this conniving, this SICK and never ONCE saw it while we were together!

 

Makes me afraid to ever get involved again.

 

~T~

[LakesideDream]

Document everything... seriously, keep a journal of all this stuff. Take it to a lawyer (or legal aid), and ask them if it's grounds for a protective order.

 

Then... change your phone numbers, keep them unlisted and don't write them on the web without making sure that the address (credit co. etc) has an https:// prefix.

 

At first blush, the guy seems like a wussy, coward, but... sometimes those guy do violence. Be careful.

[Craig]

Yes, at this point I would involve the police. There may or may not be anything they can do right now, but if future incidents occur, they can be poised to act upon it.

Well, yeah...I thought about that. But other than the random calls from various area codes, I have no other proof. And I think that's why he's doing it this way...to make sure I have no solid proof.

 

It just blows me away that I got involved with somebody THIS sneaky, this conniving, this SICK and never ONCE saw it while we were together!

 

Makes me afraid to ever get involved again.

 

~T~

oppath is right.

 

The police have seen this kind of thing enough times that they know all the possible variations of stalking that someone could use. While your ex's behavior may be puzzling to you the police will recognize the familiar signs.

 

The police won't do anything now...most likely but the record of your calling and your concern will likely be noted and may become useful in the future.

 

My advice is call the police every single time you see your ex in the wrong places and every time you get a call from him or a "stranger" AND either you or your attorney write a non-emotional, very, very, very short letter to your ex telling him to not contact you or anyone you know for any reason.

[MagnoliaJane]

Tor,

 

His annoying presence may be a way 'to get back at you'. Do you think he has been drinking while he was doing this? You mentioned his alcoholic tendencies before...

 

I think it's a really good idea to keep track of his stalking activities. Do you have a buddy who could call him up and tell him to back off?

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much for not knowing he was such a creep. How could you? You didn't meet him under these circumstances.

 

Don't let him scare you. That's probably where he wants to have you. Scared. Now he can't have you he turns mean. What a low life! But remember, in the end, it is HIS loss

[oppath]

There are many differences between being annoying and stalking. If an ex tries contacting you every couple weeks or once a month, for example, and you just ignore him, he is not necessarily stalking or harrassing you in my opinion. That person might feel really bad, guilty, or might truly desire to be friends or at least friendly. In these cases, it is important to act assertive and affirm the other persons worth even if you don't want them contacting you again. If someone is genuine, even if you are mad at them and want nothing to do with them, the BEST thing you can do is politely affirm their worth but kindly tell them you need to move on, and friendship is just too difficult, but you wish them the very best in life. That is how to deal with an annoying ex who you'd rather not be in contact with.

 

However, calling under a fake name...that's not cool. His behaviors go too far. It's not like he's saying "I'm sorry and it would mean a lot to me if we could just express forgiveness" and you just ignore him. You've already acknowledged him when he acted that way (I've read your posts) and you were polite.

 

Talk to an attorney. Document things. At the same time, just as dealing with an annoying ex, it is ok to be assertive. What I would not do is waive the restraining order threat in his face; that could make him react! If he contacts you again as Jesse or whoever, assert yourself. Tell him it needs to stop. I know you have already done this but it wouldn't hurt to be very firm.

[D-Lish]

Actually Tormented- You personally should not react, talk to him, return calls, etc. ANY form of contact from your end will fuel his stalking tendancies. Even if you call to tell him to back off... you're giving him a reaction and that will keep him coming back.

 

No reaction, nothing- and if you feel threatened in any way, yes, contact the police.

[Tormented]

Document everything... seriously, keep a journal of all this stuff.

 

I have started one...listing the date, time, and nature of the incident. That way, if it gets too crazy and I find it necessary to go to the police, I won't be babbling like some hysterical woman. Instead, I'll have dates and details of the incident to report. That way, they'll take it more seriously...I hope.

 

Thanks, Lake.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

.The police won't do anything now...most likely but the record of your calling and your concern will likely be noted and may become useful in the future.

 

My exact thoughts. Might be wise to start a paper trail in the event things get worse. So far, it's been annoying - but that doesn't mean it won't escalate to a higher level. My foremost thought is that he most likely wouldn't try to harm me physically, but a small voice hollars that he's done a great many things since our breakup that I *thought* he wasn't capable of...so I guess anything is possible at this point.

 

Just really sucks to be nervously looking over my shoulder and be VERY alert of everything around me every time I step out my door.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Tor,His annoying presence may be a way 'to get back at you'. Do you think he has been drinking while he was doing this? You mentioned his alcoholic tendencies before...

 

Hi Magnolia...

 

He claims he's been "sober" for over 3 months now. But then, he's proved himself to be quite a polished liar so I don't put too much water into what he says.

 

I think it's a really good idea to keep track of his stalking activities. Do you have a buddy who could call him up and tell him to back off?

 

I've been keeping a record of the dates, times, and details of each incident in the event things get really ugly. As for a freind calling him...yes, I do have a few that would do it if I ask, but to be honest, I haven't really talked about this much to anybody out of sheer embarrassment. I don't want people to look at me and think..."well, there's the bimbo who gets involved with nutjobs."

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much for not knowing he was such a creep. How could you? You didn't meet him under these circumstances.

 

True enough. The more I read of peoples' stories here on this board, the more convinced I become that true colors don't shine until the relationship comes undone. It's THEN that you see who they REALLY are. Kinda scary when you think about it. Certainly makes one nervous about getting involved again.

 

Don't let him scare you. That's probably where he wants to have you. Scared. Now he can't have you he turns mean. What a low life! But remember, in the end, it is HIS loss

 

I think it's BECAUSE he's now feeling that "loss" that he's reacting the way he is. You know, Mag, I just don't get it. If I meant this much to him, if he misses me THIS much...why oh why did he do what he did? Why did he trash everything we once were for a fat, borderline slut who he promptly threw out shortly after she moved in? And even when she was living there, he continued to call my house several times, sitting silent when I answered the phone.

 

And now...he has cornered himself into this position of having to scoop to this level.

 

He has caused us BOTH a LOT of pain.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

If he contacts you again as Jesse or whoever, assert yourself. Tell him it needs to stop. I know you have already done this but it wouldn't hurt to be very firm.

 

 

I think that a reaction, ANY kind of reaction, from me would be a mistake at this point. We've had our "talk," I told him I've moved on. We discussed the hurt and damage that has been done and the impossibility of any kind of reconciliation. I was quite clear and firm with this. That should have been it. Done and over with.

 

At this point, there is nothing left to say. So now he's trolling for ANY kind of response from me through any means he can think of.

 

If I respond in any way, it will only reinforce his bizarre behavior. I have NOT responded to any of his several attempts, nor will I.

 

I guess I'm just a little worried at how far he'll take this.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Actually Tormented- You personally should not react, talk to him, return calls, etc. ANY form of contact from your end will fuel his stalking tendancies. Even if you call to tell him to back off... you're giving him a reaction and that will keep him coming back.

 

No reaction, nothing- and if you feel threatened in any way, yes, contact the police.

 

My exact thoughts, Dish.

 

I have not responded to ANY of his bizarre attempts to contact, nor will I. To do so will only feed into this sick game

 

At this point, he's fishing for anything...even NEGATIVE attention from me in hope that it will blossom into something else.

 

How sad...

 

~T~

[oppath]

Ok, I thought from your previous posts you were eventually open to friendship in the future before his bizarre behavior started. I misinterpreted and wasn't aware you made it clear that you don't wish him in your life. If he was contacting you normally, I'd reassert myself, but he is bizarre. This is unacceptable.

[Auqakuh]

Man, I really wish someone would show this to my ex. She recently called the police on me for "stalking" her - namely by emailing her telling her I missed her after she cut contact just days after telling me she wanted to sort things out. I also committed the cardinal sin of sending flowers with a rather, I thought, sweet poem.

 

But, in answer to -this- situation... I wouldn't hold off informing the police that someone is doing this. That way they have it on record that there IS a problem, which may very well be useful for you legally in the future if he doesn't stop doing what he's doing or escalates it in some way.

 

I hope it doesn't get that far.