Falling back into a mild depression

[ratingsguy]

I'm on week 5 of NC with my MW and neither of us have broken it. I was beginning to feel better, but beginning a few days ago, I've started to slip back into feeling really sad. I think since I've seen her last, there hasn't been an hour that's gone by that I haven't thought of her. She consumes all my thoughts because I still love her and miss her deeply.

 

We're planning to speak again in early May... mainly to see where we stand. For those not familiar with my story, she separated on Jan. 1 and began to pull away from me on the advice of her therapist. Her feelings for me are real, but she needs time to herself after a long marriage. I asked for three months of NC. Now I am counting the weeks until May... but in the meantime I'm beginning to date and get out there again. But I still can't stop thinking of my MW. I miss her so much.

[Woggle]

Get over it. She cheated with you and now that she has dumped you are all depressed over her? What were you doing dating a married woman in the first place. Grow some balls man and find enjoyment elsewhere. You were just a cheap thrill to her and she is probably already screwing some other guy right now. I know that sounds crual but that is reality and you need to own up to it. You got played.

[whichwayisup]

It's okay to have bad days, just don't let yourself slip into a depression about it. Remembering and thinking about her for too long throughout your days will only make you hurt more, so you really have push yourself to keep busy and distract the mind when those thoughts come into your head.

[burning 4 revenge]

Whatever you do, don't fantasize about her when you masturbate. Seriously. I did that for months and it kept a futile love for an ex alive. Especially if you get into that sick thing of thinking of her with other guys. It will drive you mad with a passionate, lust-filled rage.

[Guest]

RG-it's over and you know it is.

 

Forget May as that will only bring you more heartache.

Do you really want to sit opposite her and for her to tell you "IT IS OVER".

What would that do for your self esteem and confidence. You will just humiliate yourself.

 

As she isn't calling then get on with your life.

She knows how to contact you but for goodnes sake don't phone her and ask her to meet you in May. You also need therapy because people have given you good advice but you keep wallowing in this "nothingness" of a relationship which is history for her.

[erika2610]

Get over it. She cheated with you and now that she has dumped you are all depressed over her? What were you doing dating a married woman in the first place. Grow some balls man and find enjoyment elsewhere. You were just a cheap thrill to her and she is probably already screwing some other guy right now. I know that sounds crual but that is reality and you need to own up to it. You got played.

 

Seriously Woggle, that was just cruel. He is hurting enough right now, and telling him to "get over it" does nothing to help. I don't think people "sugarcoating" things is right either, but how do you think that helped at all? Between your feminist rants and this, I'm beginning to think you're just a mean person.

[Woggle]

Seriously Woggle, that was just cruel. He is hurting enough right now, and telling him to "get over it" does nothing to help. I don't think people "sugarcoating" things is right either, but how do you think that helped at all? Between your feminist rants and this, I'm beginning to think you're just a mean person.

 

I am a not a mean person but I know that some times people need to be smacked upside the head with the truth. I have been through more stuff in my 28 years than most 50 year olds have experienced so I know all about pain but I also know that wallowing in self pity and feeling sorry for myself would not have solved anything. He needs to stop basing his happiness on a woman that cheated on her husband with him and now tossed him aside like he is a toy. Life goes on and there are many great things he can experience without her so he needs to just forget about her.

[GreenEyedLady]

RG: I think that you need to forget about talking to her in May and make a clean break...you seem to really be focusing on May like you'll get back together then...I just don't think that's going to happen...the fact that she hasn't broken 'no contact' even once, pretty much means that she is pretty happy with the way things are going for her now...

 

I know that you're hurting and depressed, but you need to focus on getting better and you can't do that until you accept that it's over and move on...heal yourself...you're young and you have SO MANY MORE opportunities than she does...

 

START LIVING!!!

[Guest]

what happens in may, when she tells you she doesn't want to be with you and you have to start this process ALL over again?

 

find a way to move on man.

 

i don't understand why you want her so bad, she's a liar and a cheat when it comes right down to it.

[Babybird]

I am a not a mean person but I know that some times people need to be smacked upside the head with the truth. I have been through more stuff in my 28 years than most 50 year olds have experienced so I know all about pain but I also know that wallowing in self pity and feeling sorry for myself would not have solved anything. He needs to stop basing his happiness on a woman that cheated on her husband with him and now tossed him aside like he is a toy. Life goes on and there are many great things he can experience without her so he needs to just forget about her.

 

Who gives a sh*t if she cheated on her husband. Does that make his feelings less real??

 

What does being a man have to do with being sad that a R ended? She left her husband. He was doing the right thing by letting her adapt to her new life. Discovering if her feelings for him were everything she thought. Her therapist gave her good advice.

 

He asked for the NC. That doesn't mean the R is over and she tossed him aside like a cheap toy. God what the hell is that? Realistic..uh NO. You have no idea what their R was like and that was just plain mean.

 

Maybe you should stop and think that all of you heartache and pain has made you a bitter and cruel person. Maybe you should get therapy if your life has been that traumatic.

 

RG: Stay strong. If things were meant to be she'll contact you. She may be respecting your wish for NC rather than doing what the others say. Good luck!

[JamesM]

I think Woggle has a valid point. How he said it may be wrong, but what he said has some merit.

 

RG, she did cheat on her husband with you. She has not continued the relationship with you after she was "free" of her husband. If she wanted to get with you, she would not have needed NC. If I recall, she and you were talking of what you would do once she left her husband. However, when she did leave, she decided fairly quickly that she wanted to be even more "free"..and this did not include you.

 

Please don't count on May bringing any new revelations like...she has been missing you as much as you have. If she wanted to be back with you, I think she knows that she does not need to wait until May. Women usually know what us men really think...and she probably knows that you still love her.

 

I think you were or are on the right track when you date. May is a long ways away. You have completed five weeks...you have eight weeks to go. The best thing for you to do for your own wellbeing is move on. I think your depression is obviously caused by her...but even more, I think it is because of the uncertainty of your situation. IF you had not had this NC but instead split, you could move on. Now your mind keeps thinking of "What if" and "Does she still love me?" There is no way you can move on until you make up your mind to accept the fact that she HAS moved on.

[whichwayisup]

think it is because of the uncertainty of your situation.

 

Not knowing for sure what is going to happen keeps you hanging. So, you can't really move on, close the door or hope for a real happy ending either.

[Woggle]

Who gives a sh*t if she cheated on her husband. Does that make his feelings less real??

 

What does being a man have to do with being sad that a R ended? She left her husband. He was doing the right thing by letting her adapt to her new life. Discovering if her feelings for him were everything she thought. Her therapist gave her good advice.

 

He asked for the NC. That doesn't mean the R is over and she tossed him aside like a cheap toy. God what the hell is that? Realistic..uh NO. You have no idea what their R was like and that was just plain mean.

 

Maybe you should stop and think that all of you heartache and pain has made you a bitter and cruel person. Maybe you should get therapy if your life has been that traumatic.

 

RG: Stay strong. If things were meant to be she'll contact you. She may be respecting your wish for NC rather than doing what the others say. Good luck!

 

Because a woman that betrays her husband will betray her other man. It is just common sense and he needs to realize it. I know he fell in love with her but he needs to use some logic and wonder why he even wants her in the first place. When May comes around and she doesn't contact him he will be even more heartbroken so he needs to come to grips with reality right now.

[ratingsguy]

Thanks everyone for your advice, even you Woggle. I AM moving on, although it is difficult since I can't stop thinking about her. I told her back in January that if her and I were over to let me know right then and there so I could cut ties and move on. Her response was that she needed time to decide that, and given her situation I can understand. But she did promise me that she would honor my request to let me know if and when it's over. In the meantime, I can't sit around and wait because it would drive me nuts... hence the NC. And hence me going out and dating. There is a good chance that this could work out, but sadly I have to play it out as if it won't... for now.

[Woggle]

Thanks everyone for your advice, even you Woggle. I AM moving on, although it is difficult since I can't stop thinking about her. I told her back in January that if her and I were over to let me know right then and there so I could cut ties and move on. Her response was that she needed time to decide that, and given her situation I can understand. But she did promise me that she would honor my request to let me know if and when it's over. In the meantime, I can't sit around and wait because it would drive me nuts... hence the NC. And hence me going out and dating. There is a good chance that this could work out, but sadly I have to play it out as if it won't... for now.

 

I may come off harsh but if you take my advice you will be better off. There is a remote chance she might come back but don't base your life and your happiness on it. Live your life and enjoy yourself and if she comes back good but if she doesn't you can still be happy. You sound like a good guy and a single woman who won't use you as an exit affair would be more deserving of what you have to offer.

[whichwayisup]

I really think when May rolls around, he'll know either way what is going on.

 

If she asks for more time, and wants NC to continue until the end of the summer, or even till the beginning of summer, I hope RG, you make the choice and take control back. Right now there's nothing you can do except wait and live your life bit by bit until May. I couldn't imagine what that's like to wait so long and not know where your life is heading. But, you need to see this through.

[Kenzo]

RG-I am fairly new here and I was unfamiliar with your background story so I have gone back and read through your posts to get a better understanding of you situation.

 

You, for your own peace of mind, need to see this through. If you let it go now the "what if's" will consume you. You just may be on the verge of what you've been waiting for. As so many of us know, it is few and far between that the OP leaves the marriage...she is right there, let the time go as easily as you can until then, but no matter the outcome, come May, you absolutely must see this through. Either way you'll need the closure, whether it be that you two live happily ever after, or part ways, you'll need to know that you gave the relationship everything it needed to survive.

 

If it's worthy, it will be worth it!

[ratingsguy]

I'm not sure what you both mean when you say "see this through". I plan to maintain NC until May when we see each other again. I don't see myself being tempted to contact her before then (although I'd like to)... I'm a fairly disciplined person. I'll probably wait until like May 5th or 6th... I won't e-mail her at 12:01am on May 1st... lol.

 

She has mentioned possibly needing up to a year to sort things out in her life, which is now completely new to her. So it's very unlikely that she will have made a decision in May. I fully expect her to ask for more time. Which, as long as we can continue some form of NC, I'm ok with... provided that there is still a possibility of us being together ultimately.

 

In the meantime, I continue to move on as if the R is over... hanging out with friends, working and dating. It's really all I can do right now.

 

Today is day 36 of NC.

[whichwayisup]

She has mentioned needing up to a year to sort things out in her life, which is now completely new to her. So it's very unlikely that she will have made a decision in May. I fully expect her to ask for more time. Which, as long as we can continue some form of NC, I'm ok with... provided that there is still a possibility of us being together ultimately.

 

Then YOU need to give yourself a time limit on how long you'll wait. DO you intend on 'waiting' if she tells you she needs 3 more months of NC to figure things out? And then what if after those 3 months are up, she comes to you says "please, I love you, but 2 more months, then I'll know..." And so on.

[outofdarkness]

I'm not sure what you both mean when you say "see this through". I plan to maintain NC until May when we see each other again. I don't see myself being tempted to contact her before then (although I'd like to)... I'm a fairly disciplined person. I'll probably wait until like May 5th or 6th... I won't e-mail her at 12:01am on May 1st... lol.

 

She has mentioned possibly needing up to a year to sort things out in her life, which is now completely new to her. So it's very unlikely that she will have made a decision in May. I fully expect her to ask for more time. Which, as long as we can continue some form of NC, I'm ok with... provided that there is still a possibility of us being together ultimately.

 

In the meantime, I continue to move on as if the R is over... hanging out with friends, working and dating. It's really all I can do right now.

 

Today is day 36 of NC.

sounds like you are trying really hard to prepare yourself for a possible break..That's great! If I were you, I'd continue to keep yourself busy, spend time w/ friends and continue dating again. Who knows, mabey you'll find that perfect someone just when you least expect it. Sorry your hurting. I think the best way to keep your head above water is to stay busy and have lots of contact w/ friends, family, etc...Anything to get your mind off of her...Good luck..

[ratingsguy]

Do you really want to sit opposite her and for her to tell you "IT IS OVER".

 

If it is over, yes I do want her to tell me. It will give me closure and the ability to move on completely. My MW needs to sort out her feelings now that she's separated after a long marriage.

 

As she isn't calling then get on with your life.

She knows how to contact you but for goodnes sake don't phone her and ask her to meet you in May. You also need therapy because people have given you good advice but you keep wallowing in this "nothingness" of a relationship which is history for her.

 

I asked for NC and that's why she's not calling me or contacting me. We've already agreed to meet in a few months, that's a done deal. And as for therapy, I am seeing a therapist to help me through this. The R isn't history, but it just isn't what she needs right now. She's been married for a long time, and needs time to herself for a change. It's difficult, but I understand why she needs this time.

[Woggle]

I know that only you can decide when to move on but prepare yourself for heartbreak. It sounds like you were just ane xit affair for her.

[ratingsguy]

Then YOU need to give yourself a time limit on how long you'll wait. DO you intend on 'waiting' if she tells you she needs 3 more months of NC to figure things out? And then what if after those 3 months are up, she comes to you says "please, I love you, but 2 more months, then I'll know..." And so on.

 

Well, she said she would likely need a year to herself to sort out emotions, feelings and to experience putting herself first for a change (with the exception of her kids). I think her therapist suggested that to her, but she understands and agrees with the importance of that... as do I.

 

Like I said, I plan to treat this as if the R is over for good and continue to go out and date... which is what she had wanted anyway, to be fair. So, like outofdarkness suggested, you never know... I could meet someone in the meantime. It's a possibility. Point being, I'm getting on with life in the event that she decides that she doesn't want me to be a part of her life once she's had the time to herself that she needs. I'm preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

[Kenzo]

I'm not sure what you both mean when you say "see this through". I plan to maintain NC until May when we see each other again. I don't see myself being tempted to contact her before then (although I'd like to)... I'm a fairly disciplined person. I'll probably wait until like May 5th or 6th... I won't e-mail her at 12:01am on May 1st... lol.

 

I'm not saying you should give up what you've been doing, seeing friends, seeing other women, basically living as best you can under the circumstances. I suppose I was addressing someone else's comments that you should just move on, and forget about her and May and what may be the outcome. If she is "the one" or even "the one who got away" you NEED to know that you did everything possible to make the relationship work.

 

But see it through until the NC is over--- see where her heads at. I too would be counting the days, minutes...seconds, I can't relate as I have not gone through any long, (or shorter than one day) periods of NC (yet), but your pain and love are so apparent, you deserve to know.

 

I'm not sure that after this initial NC period is over, you should give her more time. You have discussed your future and she should know what she wants by then...Hell she should've known from the start...In my opinion she has a wonderful guy right in front of her who loves her and wants to start a great life together, if she doesn't realize that she deserves no more time than what you've already agreed on. I just know for myself I would need "to see it through" and know I did everything I could.

 

If it doesn't work out in your favor, I wish you all the strength in the world to get through it, but also, I think of the lucky lady who will find you and appreciate all the love you have to give, and give it back with all the enthusiam that you so deserve!

[GreenEyedLady]

RG: Have you been in counseling? I can't remember...if she's in counseling, I think you should seek counseling, as well...if she's going on the advice of a professsional, perhaps you should too...and maybe an anti-depressant would be a good start to help with your depression...