Cossette4 Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Hmm...with a title like that, maybe I should be placed in a padded cell. But seriously, it's been almost 8 months since the breakup, and I always find myself replaying certain events or phrases that occurred during the first two months of the breakup, and the replaying of them brings back the same pain I felt as when they actually happened. I feel just as sick inside the day those things occurred as when I think about them today. Just out of nowhere, I'll be like "God, I can't believe he said this or did this" and then the scene will just wash over me and I feel powerless to fight it. And it happens more than once. I just keep re-fighting these mind battles of stuff that happened. And I'll somehow sort it out and come to terms with it, only to have the SAME event/phrase bother the hell out of me a couple months later. The big ones that seem to re-surface frequently are: Back in July, the things he said to me on the phone when he broke up with me....stuff like "You are 22, not 12...get over it." This came from the mouth of the guy who never said anything mean to me in 5 years---He never called me names, never put me down, never made me feel bad about myself, any of that. Then these heartless, cruel phrases are just POURING out of him when he breaks up with me. I don't get it. In August, when he finally was forced by our mutual friends to call me and explain himself, he just threw in my face all these comments about his new girlfriend--how he had moved in with her after 2 weeks (and he didn't find this odd or ridiculous), how she makes him happy, how he doesn't think it would be good for us to meet face-to-face to get any closure because he wouldn't want to upset her and she might be at his old apartment (even though in the previous breath he had said he moved in with her into HER apartment)....God the list goes on and on...I just never pictured this guy EVER saying these things to me. I never thought our breakup would be like this and would involve some "new girlfriend." You know those times where you feel like, "I honestly thought this could never happen to me?" That's what I feel like. And you know how you can feel the "love" in someone's voice when someone you are with is talking with you? It was just drained out of his voice and given to his new girlfriend--it was just surreal. In August, just meeting with him and seeing this person I had loved for 5 years, but he was like a totally different person in the same body--he couldn't even look at me, sat away from me, watched the clock and said he had to go after 45 minutes because he wanted to get back home to his new girlfriend. He even CALLED HER in front of me and asked her if it would be okay if he could stay an extra 10 minutes to finish things up with me. He was NEVER this kind of person--he never even casually flirted with another girl in 5 years, and now here he was, madly in love with some girl enough to leave me for her and be so devoted to her that he had to get her permission to even speak with me. God, how did I even survive that night? I think what bothers me even more than the cruelty of his actions is the fact that after 5 years of never acting like this in any way, he suddenly turns on the cruelty full blast. That's so disturbing when you think you know someone and they do things that are completely incompatible with their character you *thought* you knew. In February, that stupid professional photo they both posted on their MySpaces. He never even had a MySpace until she created one for him and she is his only friend on it! This photo is seared in my brain. I have thousands of photos with this person that were taken in the last 5 years, and to see him smiling with this new girl's arms wrapped around him still disturbs me. And the comments she wrote--"I love you sexy" and "Your girlfriend is hot!" (meaning herself). I even posted on here about this when it happened, got excellent advice, sorted it out in my mind and came to terms with it, and then tried to help others on this board stay away from MySpace. So why is this picture back in my thoughts, haunting me? The dumb things I did like obsessively calling him and begging to meet with him those first two months. I wish I did NC right away---not so I could have him back, but so I could have saved myself a lot of pain, humiliation, and regret. And maybe my absence would have gotten the best of him and he would have ended things with his new girlfriend and came crawling back. (I wouldn't have taken him back, but it would have felt wonderful if he regretted his actions and it would be such a weight off my shoulders if his new relationship ended in those first weeks/months). Why can't I just let it go? These things happened, they sucked, and I survived them, so theoretically, the *worst* should be over. But yet they haunt and hurt like the day they happened. And the strange thing is I DON'T WANT HIM BACK after what he did, so why do I still care and still hurt? I'm so worried that I won't get over this for like, years. And after 8 months of hell, knowing that I could have years of hell ahead of me isn't very appealing. I try so hard to accept what I need to accept--we are over, we wouldn't work out in the long run, I deserve so much better, he is in love with someone else and isn't going to feel like he regrets what he did to me. But all that happened still hurts me and I still hold out hope for his new relationship blowing up in his face and him crawling back to me, regretting everything. Then I KNOW I'd feel over it because I'd feel justice happened for me, and what went around came around, and now HE can be the one to hurt over his own actions that have caused me so much pain for so long. I know to *hope* for anything is a death trap because it keeps you from moving on with your own life. But it's easier explained than done! I KNOW that, and yet my mind keeps me wrapped up in this thing. Logic tells me this, but the ironic thing is, logic also tells me he is in a rebound relationship that won't last and I'll eventually have my justice. Stupid mind.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 There is no time limit on how long it takes to "get over" someone. (I should put this in my sig line, I say it often enough) LOL I'm two years out of a relationship, and still have moments where I rehash things in my mind. Like you, it isn't that I want him back. I loved him with all of my heart, and I've had to accept that a part of me will always love him. It's so easy for people to say, "well, by 6 months, or one year, you should be completely over them". The reality is, there isn't a timeline that applies to everyone. One day, it does get a little easier to live with. You start accepting that he isn't coming back, the hope you clung to finally fades a bit, and you will move on. It just takes time, and there is no carved -in- stone answer for the "how long".
kypepeo Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I agree, there's not time limit in which you are expected to get over someone but for you, I think the real issue is the fact that for 5 years you thought you knew him only for him to suddenly become somebody else. That's scary. It makes you wonder if you knew him at all and if it was all for real. it's so confusing and it's probably why you keep replaying this 'new him' in your head... because it doesn't make sense!! There's nothing much you can do about who he has become but for your sake, forget about these changes in his personality and stop trying to figure it out. The NC thing is a good idea to practice from the start but since you didn't don't beat yourself up about it now, it won't change anything and will only make you feel worse. Accept that and forget what happened. You have lived without him this long. Trust me, it does get easier with time
Author Cossette4 Posted March 11, 2007 Author Posted March 11, 2007 Kwo-ne'-she: Thanks for your reply. I feel the same way. It sucks because by now people are going, "Shouldn't you be....over this...by now?" so it really depletes your support network because you start looking like the psycho that can't let it go And it makes it all the more humiliating that he "let it go" like a week after we broke up. I know people will say, "Oh well he was probably detaching himself for months while you were still dating," and yes, that's probably true but 1. He certainly didn't act like a detached, disinterested person, so I feel "scammed" in that respect, and 2. There's no way that "detaching" process is anywhere close to the pain that someone feels when they have to go at it alone while he's with his new girlfriend. There's no way he was "in pain" while we sat right next to each other and cuddled on the couch every night, and called each other at least 3 times a day while at work. How unfair. kypepeo: Yeah that is a HUGE part of it. Deep down in my heart, I know it was "real" for at least the first 4 years...(the last year is when the fighting and lying started). I don't think he was this scamming jerk for 4 years and I never saw it or sensed it. I know he loved me by his actions those 4 years. I think what happened is we really grew apart (We started dating at 16 & 17 so by 22 & 23, we are different people wanting different things and going on different paths...he just handled that realization badly.) It really shakes me up though because NOW he is a different person, or NOW I see what he grew into, or NOW I see the side of him when relationship problems get too overwhelming for him. And it isn't what I expected.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Kwo-ne'-she: Thanks for your reply. I feel the same way. It sucks because by now people are going, "Shouldn't you be....over this...by now?" so it really depletes your support network because you start looking like the psycho that can't let it go I have been there. I think, Cossette, that the people who don't understand have never felt that depth of love. I've been in love a few times in my life, but only that one affected me to this degree. It's hard when your support group doesn't understand, and are trying to rush you into getting over it. They don't seem to understand that you want to be over it, you just can't ~ any more than you could stop breathing. There is a difference between "letting go" and "getting over it". I have let go, in the sense I don't want him back, and stopped hoping for another chance. But my heart is not yet over the pain. That's all. And it makes it all the more humiliating that he "let it go" like a week after we broke up. I can also relate to the part about him immediately rushing into someone else's arms. It's extremely painful. Keeps you awake some nights, doesn't it? All I can say, is that it does get easier to live with. I was in a deep depression for nearly a year after my ex and I ended things. Eventually, you pull yourself out of it, and go on as best you can. This is a scab that has not quite healed yet. Try to stop picking at it, by checking the myspace, etc. I know it's hard. But when you give it time to heal a bit more, it will become a scar ~ a reminder of a wound you once had, only it no longer hurts. Hugs to you.
aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Your post brings back the tears. I can relate to how you feel and now my wife appears to be living with this person now, too. Just give it some time, you'll get out of your funk. It's been almost 3 months for me and I'm just now feeling grounded again as if the surreal world into which I was thrown is melting away revealing life around me again. You will have bad days and those days will make it seem as if you haven't moved on. Take comfort in knowing that you are moving on and that you won't feel like this forever. God knows I wish I were at the 8 month mark
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