Sudden, unexpected, very strong wave of emotion for partner - where did it come from?

[stockmos]

I have been thinking of leaving my S/O for some time. Last week I even looked at a flat but didn't go through with it. I had decided pretty much in my head to leave, I thought the seven-year long live-in relationship was done for. I felt I had even mentally checked out as much as it is possible to do so.

 

Then over the past couple of days, the day after looking at the flat (she was out of town, don't know how relevant) I got an unexpected strong wave of feeling for her. A kind of extreme wave of nostalgia coupled with a longing for the relationship to work.

 

I started to listen to a piece of very emotional music over and over again, and even had a fantasy about taking her on the seven hour journey to our favourite bar in another country as a surprise, asking the barman to put on the piece of music and proposing to her in the bar.

 

What on earth is all that about?

[JrobBrokenheart]

you love her, man. seven years is a long time. you are lucky, maybe, to be doubting the decision before youve made it, instead of regretting it when its made. what are your reasons for wanting to leave her?

[boshemia]

Maybe you do still have feelings and you aren't ready to part with her just yet. My husband and I have been married for three and a half years and spent over 18 months seperated over three different periods.

 

I know I'm fed up, I know I can't take anymore but when it comes to the actual letting go I always seem to find those feelings I thought I had lost. I'm guessing that you looking at your own place may have something to do with it, I know that it's always a hard step for me to actually face making the changes. I was all ready to move to a new town and start over and then I got scared and ended up staying here after all. I do have my own place, but we are still close enough to see each other daily.

 

My cousin calls it the milk theory. You know how sometimes you open someones refrigerator and find a carton of milk with just a little left in the bottom?

 

Some people just can't bear to part with the old milk until they can replace it with a new carton. The thinking behind it is something along the lines of it's better to have spoiled milk than no milk at all... Or the shampoo bottle with a few drops left, or... you get the idea.

[Trialbyfire]

You've already defined it as such. Nostalgia. You remember all the good times because at one time it must have worked well. If you feel this strongly, why not try it one more time when she gets back. Sit down with her and really talk. Talk about your problems if you feel ready for them, otherwise just talk about each other. Your issues do need to be addressed at some point though so don't wait too long.

 

Worst case scenario of trying one more time is that you realize it's not worth it and you've both changed too much. Another few months isn't much in relation to seven years.

[stockmos]

you love her, man. seven years is a long time. you are lucky, maybe, to be doubting the decision before youve made it, instead of regretting it when its made. what are your reasons for wanting to leave her?

 

Answer: in a nutshell: she doesn't make me happy.

 

Thanks for some really excellent responses that were a big help.

[JrobBrokenheart]

well, you do say she doesnt make you happy, but you keep remembering happy memories, and having good fantasies that involve her.

 

i cant tell you what to do, only you can. to be honest, you should not rely on anyone for your happiness, you should make yourself happy, you should love yourself, and only then can you love others.

 

seven years is a long time. im sure the passion and excitement have died, but what replaces that is a deep understanding of each other, and that can be so much better. sure, people who are single and sleep with a different woman every night appear happy, but in the end, are not. this is superficial. the real people who are happy in this world are the people who are married to and have kids with the person they know that they love. after seven years, can you see yourself being like this with this person?

 

i went through what youre going through, man. i almost broke up with my girlfriend because i thought i wanted more, and to see what else was out there. but then i thought about all of the good times together, and i realized, wow, i love this girl, and i dont need to see what else is out there, because what really makes me what i am is right here in front of me. i had everything i could ever want. unfortunately, she went through the same thing, and lets just say, well, shes seeing what else is out there.

 

so in conclusion, the decision is yours. but remember, there are people like me dying to have what you have.

 

ps. why arent you happy in the first place?