Icantletgo Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I'm sure you guys have seen my previous threads. If not please read back at my last post "You guys promote nc and tonight this is what I did" to see what situation with my ex is... Anyways...So i TRIED to initiate nc on sunday. he called me wednesday. he came over and he said he just had to talk to me and see me. He confessed that he is still IN love with me. He doesn't know what "she did" to make him think he wasn't. He's really confused about what he wants. Cause although he loves me, he wants her badly too. I want to believe him but I found out that the girl he left me for might be giving her ex another try. I'm scared he's using me again. I feel weak again. I feel like I'm under his control again. I feel like i'm waiting by the phone for him again!!! Help!!! Why is he doing this?? I told him to leave me alone! The situation confuses me cause he says "maybe she isn't what i want. you care for me. you listen to me like no one else has ever".....
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 First - you don't TRY to initiate NC. You do it. If he calls you don't talk to him. If he comes over, you don't talk to him. Funny that now that he has been dumped he comes back to you. He thinks you are easy - he has no respect for you - and you are playing second best. You have got to start valuing yourself a lot more or you are going to get used and abused by men like this. You simply CAN NOT be so desperate for attention that you would take this kind of treatment. It is not healthy. He is using you. He is playing you and there is nothing but hurt at the end of the supposed rainbow. If you buy what he is selling - and listen to him, spend time with him, or (the worst) sleep with him - you are already going down the path of pain. He isn't going to leave you alone because he is sure he can get over on you and it sounds like he is right. If you have to - get a hold of a friend and make sure they know you'll call and talk to them in moments of weakness so you can be strong initially. Borrow their strength for now until you are strong enough to stand on your own.
skper138 Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Ok, I am going through a situation that I’m afraid is going to end up with him coming back. He loved me in the beginning of December and hated my guts at the end of that same month. He told me he stopped loving me some time ago and said that he was moving out. 2 months later he is living with this other chick and says he loves her. I now discovered that he put a posting on craigslist under casual encounters and wrote that he is looking for a women to show him a good time. My question ti him is, "aren’t you in love with that other chick"? Anyway, after all of this I think of what if he did return to me? You have to ask yourself if you still love him. If you do I would tell you to give him another chance but let him prove to you that he cares and that he is serous this time around. It also depends what kind of a relationship you guys had. If your relationship was good and he f@3! Up at the end then perhaps he deserves another chance. That’s how I would deal with it. You have to put yourself first this time around. Don’t give in to easily. The shoe is on the other foot and now you get to choose whether you want to go on with it or not. It’s all up to you. If you don’t love him then tell him the truth and don’t keep him hanging. I love my ex so very much and I would love for him to come to my door and tell me he still loves me. I would want to throw myself in his arms and tell him the same. In reality, I would take it camly, study the situation, take it slow, make all the right decision and listen to his intentions. Give him time to prove what he’s all about..
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Ok, I am going through a situation that I’m afraid is going to end up with him coming back. He loved me in the beginning of December and hated my guts at the end of that same month. He told me he stopped loving me some time ago and said that he was moving out. 2 months later he is living with this other chick and says he loves her. I now discovered that he put a posting on craigslist under casual encounters and wrote that he is looking for a women to show him a good time. My question ti him is, "aren’t you in love with that other chick"? You'd still take him back?!!!! You don't love him - it has morphed into something else entirely. You can't truly love someone you don't like. And you can't even like someone who would treat you like something terrible he stepped in instead of a person he once claimed to care for. For me, it wouldn't matter WHAT he did to try to prove to me he wanted me - I wouldn't want him.
oppath Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 This man has made you miserable and violated your trust. Drop him like a bag of bricks. Tell him to never contact you again and then start therapy to aide the healing process.
oppath Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Drop him like a bag of bricks. You deserve better. He doesn't even know that you are the one he wants. Kick him to the curb right now and don't talk to him again. Find a counselor/therapist to help you heal.
Author Icantletgo Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 It's easy to say that i'm not going to pick up his phone calls or return his text messages...but just to see him just to smell him i'll do anything still. And bear in mind i'm 24yo! i'm not a sick puppy love teenager. I know what I should do..it's just sooooo hard to do it. Did i mention i had lunch with his mom and dad today? I ran into them at work...talk about digging the knife deeper!
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Drop him like a bag of bricks. You deserve better. He doesn't even know that you are the one he wants. Kick him to the curb right now and don't talk to him again. Find a counselor/therapist to help you heal. Exactly. OP - If you want to be told "oh, he has just realized that you are truly the one for him and now you'll live happily ever after" --- You're wishing for poor advice. You are playing second best. He doesn't really care about you and he has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. He is using you to stroke his ego and so you will submit yourself sexually to him. Keep on the path of pain and that will be all in the end. You know this is true. That is why you keep looking for justification.
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 It's easy to say that i'm not going to pick up his phone calls or return his text messages...but just to see him just to smell him i'll do anything still. And bear in mind i'm 24yo! i'm not a sick puppy love teenager. Then you already know the answers and you need to stop acting like a sick puppy love teenager. You are making the most ghastly mistakes. Your behavior is completely self destructive. Did i mention i had lunch with his mom and dad today? I ran into them at work...talk about digging the knife deeper! YOUR FAULT. You are really asking for every blow you are getting. Why did you have lunch with his parents?!! You should have declined the offer but somehow you still feel like by being the one who cares so much for him, that his parents like, etc. that somehow that will make him just love and respect you for a "happily ever after" ending. You won't get the ending that you so desperately sacrifice yourself for. He has no respect for you and even less because you cave at the simplest of gestures - he makes an easy phone call and there goes all of your self worth. You allow him to come talk to you immediately after how badly he treated you. He sees that. He sees your need to believe what you know is just double talk because the one he really wanted dumped him. It makes him want you less but the need to use you is really strong because he is feeling unwanted and needs you to boost his ego. You really need some intensive therapy - your self esteem and self respect are practically non existent.
oppath Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Actually, I think when he calls, you should tell him "it's over between us. I don't want you back. You had your chance and you blew it and I am moving on in my life. Please, don't contact me again."
oppath Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Agreed, you need therapy. And I'd also tell him definitively it is over between the two of you and you are moving on. You are not strong enough to just ignore him. Empower yourself. Tell him off. Then ignore him if he persists, and if that becomes too bothersome, tell him you'll get a restraining/harassmant order if he keeps it up.
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Since you do have friends to call on - you need to enlist their help. They probably know the deep painful details that will bring you back to reality in moments of weakness. Use a calling circle. A couple of your friends who will be available - no matter what time - who will keep you strong. When he calls and you hit the ignore button but it is "killing" you - you call one of them to remind you what a slimebag he is. Want more for yourself. Teach yourself you deserve more.
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Yes - you need to tell him. Invite your friends over for support, I have a feeling you can't do it on your own, and call him and tell him off. Tell him under no uncertain terms it is OVER. Then get yourself busy. REALLY busy. Do not talk to him AT ALL. No further explanation is needed so don't allow yourself to make excuses to talk to him. If he tries to pull the "I don't understand!" card out - do not talk to him - NO MATTER WHAT. You have been treated like crap so you believe you deserve no better - but you do. It is up to you to regain your self worth and build your self esteem. Therapy will help. Your friends can help if you let them. But you are the one who can help yourself the most.
scubafish Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 calling circle, I like that term. I didn't realize that is what I did, but when I would get really despondent, and start wondering, or even thinking about dropping an email, I would call some one, just to keep me busy. it works well, too. if I couldn't get anyone, I would pick up book or magazine and sit outside until I could stop the thought. you need to be strong, and he needs to be totally over this OW , if you even want to consider anything with him. although I didn't read all your otherposts, maybe he is not a good option for you....
Author Icantletgo Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 You are all right. And yes..I will stop posting the same post!!! I am going to just tell him straight out....that i love him but this needs to stop. I need to move on. He needs to move on. If he loves me like he says he does then he will respect that. He can't keep dragging me along while he has already moved on. You all are completely right. I have never felt so weak before in my LIFE. And the person I love made me this way!! thanks guys for the advice.
oppath Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Don't tell him you love him. Tell him you did love him but you realize you are not right for each other, and that it is over. Don't give him false hope.
Island Girl Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I am going to just tell him straight out....that i love him but this needs to stop. Do not say "you love him but...". First of all you can't possible love someone who has treated you with such disrespect and lack of compassion. He has treated you like utter crap and you are going to give him yet another gift of letting him know that you still care. --- Essentially saying "you can screw me over, kick me in the face, be brutally mean and completely disregard my feelings - and I'll still love you!" Pathetic. He'll lose even more respect for you than he already has. And the only reason you want to say that is because you think you are leaving the door open a crack - if he really loves you it will be enough for him to keep showing interest so somehow you can validate that he DOES care. But he doesn't really love you or he would not have done the things he did. He is a completely self centered insensitive jerk and you will never get the reassurances from him that you THINK you need. You don't need his words or him or anything from him. Tell him point blank that he made a mistake in thinking he could treat you so badly and you'd accept it. Tell him you are better than that and he's an idiot for not seeing it when he had the chance. Then say, "do not contact me at all, ever." Say it in the most unemotional voice you can muster. And then move on to the relationship that is waiting out there for you. The only thing this guy will do really well is keep the good guys away. Get rid of him - and move on.
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