Guest Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I have had a 7 year affair with mm. Last year I told him to think about leaving home once his daughter had finished college. I said if he wasn't interested that he should tell me now and he said that he would think about it. I said that was fine and that the ball was in his court. I didn't put a time limit on when he should let me know. Well 7 months went by and no answer. Then I bump into him and the affair is resumed and I end up apologising for putting him on the spot about leaving!. All he says is that he has been miserable and that he and his wife have had difficulties. Fast forward a few months of us being very close, and suddenly he can't see me as much and starts backing away. He arranges to see me one Sunday and doesn't show or call. He phones me the next Thursday to say he hadn't been feeling well and that he had made a big effort to go to a pay phone and call. I was annoyed that he was too mean and a cheapskate to use his cell phone and call me on the Sunday--it is totally disrespectful. Then he started saying that he could only come round to see me in the afternoons and asked me to get some garters as it would turn him on. I said he should get them and he said no, I should buy them and he would pay me back. Anyway a week goes by and he phones to ask me to meet up and whether I had got the garters. I said No--he sounded annoyed but then backed off. He makes me feel like a sex object and used and cheap which isn't how it used to be. In the early days we went out to restaurants and he talked about having a future with me but he wasn't making any promises. Then a bit more time goes by and he phones about every 9th day and it is always to arrange to meet up. He looks at his cell from time to time and he is being watched like a hawk, I am sure of it. It all adds up, unless he is also treating me so badly that he is humiliating me and wants me to walk away so he won't seem like the bad guy. Do you think that is a possibility because I feel like obliging him? When I want to discuss things, he cancels our arrangements. He got me so mad when he made a joke about talking to me, and I said that if he didn't want to talk then he needn't bother to meet up, and guess what, he didn't bother and has stopped talking. That makes me feel like total crap. Is he sending me a message? Part of me wants to get him by the scruff of the neck and beat an answer out of him. He did phone to ask if I wanted him to continue calling me. What was that all about? He has never asked me that before. When I thought about it later I think he didn't want to face me because he thought I might end the affair and he would have been uncomfortable, plus the fact that his wife is very suspicious I think. Anyway he certainly isn't coming in my direction; he is pulling right away. He had a chance on the phone to say it was over but instead he asked if I wanted him to phone me. I just don't understand it and I am very tired of going over things in my head.
overandout Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 People gave me good advice on this forum and I will pass it on to you--RUN from this manipulator. I think he has let you know that he isn't leaving-it isn't even on his radar. If you continue with him, he will use and treat you like crap because you are making it easy for him to treat you like that. Him not calling you on that Sunday is absolute proof of how little he feels for you. I doubt he was doing that to make you finish it--he knows he can keep you around with the minimum of effort. He gives you the teatment he thinks you deserve. His spending little time with you is showing you that if the heat is on at home, you will be way down his list. He will continue with you because it is so easy. If you want to get his attention, then back right off and make yourself unavailable. After 7 months of you giving him a choice, he didn't even have the decency to phone you to say "thanks but no thanks". You went running after him and apologised for asking him to make a choice! If you have displayed this sort of behaviour before, then that is probably why he didn't bother phoning--he knew you would be back and on HIS terms. Also him asking you to get the underwear is disrespectful if you don't want it. He can't even make the effort to buy it for you ! He is probably sexually addicted to you and that is why he wants you around. Some mm ignore the OW not contacting them for ages, because it feeds the OW's addiction, and when he does call he knows that you will be relieved that he still wants to be in your life, and that you will be only too willing to meet up. But he only seems to want to be in your life for the sex--you have to see that. Please say good-bye and mean it because he will continue to try and rope you back him. If you walk away with some dignity you will be on the road to recovery. He is offering you abolutely nothing and you are worth more than that.
lessonlearnt Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Guest, Reading your thread there are red flags all over the place. However what would have been the final straw for me was him not phoning until 4 days after he had arranged to meet. Think about it. If a friend or even a colleague had done that to you I can guarantee that you would have been furious and probably halted your dealings with them. But he did it to you, and you accepted it. He has a cell right, then it takes less that one minute to text you to say he can't show and will explain later. It is not difficult. He doesn't give a toss what you are thinking or how you might have been worrying. Honestly, this guy sounds childish and certainly wants to be the centre of attention. You are an ego boost for him. He doesn't think you will ever leave him no matter how much crap he throws for you to step in. He enjoys humiiating you and playing with you. I would tell him to GET LOST and be grateful that he lives with his wife full time and not you, as he has serious issue within himself. The sooner you can see that he is really is using you for his own amusement, the easier it will be for you to say "ENOUGH". Go NC with him (not because you want him to chase after you) but because you want him out of your life. I wouldn't bother telling him, just block his calls and emails right now.
Seen_It_All Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Last year I told him to think about leaving home once his daughter had finished college. I didn't put a time limit on when he should let me know. Well 7 months went by and no answer. The guy isn't looking to leave, he's looking to screw around, plain and simple. ...and I end up apologising for putting him on the spot about leaving!. Why would you apologize for putting a lying cheat on the spot? Fast forward a few months of us being very close, and suddenly he can't see me as much and starts backing away.Much like his complaint about that rotten wife of his, the thrill was wearing off with you as well, eh? Big surprise. I was annoyed that he was too mean and a cheapskate to use his cell phone and call me on the Sunday--it is totally disrespectful. Seriously, is there ANY part of an affair that IS respectful? Then he started saying that he could only come round to see me in the afternoons and asked me to get some garters as it would turn him on.What a complete loser and pig. So that's what you've been reduced to, is it? A call girl with garters? Don't get those towels monogrammed with his initials anytime soon. I said he should get them and he said no, I should buy them and he would pay me back.LOL..and to add insult to injury, the piece of garbage expects YOU to buy them, too? What does this LOSER bring to the table? He makes me feel like a sex object and used and cheap which isn't how it used to be. Ya think????? In the early days we went out to restaurants and he talked about having a future with me but he wasn't making any promises.Of course it was exciting. Then eventually, much like he blames his wife for the 'boring' state of their marriage, YOU'RE now to blame for the boredom in your affair. No more dinners, no more interesting conversation, no more adventures. Poor thing is BORED yet again. Your only worth at this stage of the game is to provide him with a cheap thrill by servicing him while wearing garters. How completely flattering. Not. I said that if he didn't want to talk then he needn't bother to meet up, and guess what, he didn't bother and has stopped talking. That makes me feel like total crap.This is a guy that's been lying and cheating for 7 years. And LYING to you about possibly having a future. The guy NEVER even considered a future with you. All you've ever been is a diversion for him while he suffers through his OH SO BORING marriage. Surely you're not surprised by this? Of course he doesn't want to talk to you about a future or your 'feelings' or the 'relationship.' They don't mean squat to him. Is he sending me a message? I honestly thought you were kidding with this question. If the answer were ANY MORE OBVIOUS as to your true worth to him, it would be downright painful. He had a chance on the phone to say it was over but instead he asked if I wanted him to phone me.It's called 'placating' you. The guy doesn't want to deal with a delirious OW showing up at his house to spill the beans to his wife. Besides, you still might degrade yourself and go out and buy those garters and service him, so he doesn't want to completely close the door on you. If this guy were any more of a complete waste of a sperm cell, I'd eat my hat.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Anyway he certainly isn't coming in my direction; he is pulling right away. His actions are showing you something....And actions speak louder than words most of the time. Bottomline, if he wanted to leave his wife, get a divorce and be with you, he would DO THAT, but he hasn't. I'm sure he would be perfectly happy to keep things as they are on HIS terms. This way he has control, to talk and see you on HIS time, not yours. HIS needs come first, not yours. Be strong and end it. He doesn't love you, he may care for you and have feelings of affection for you, but he isn't inlove with you. That in itself should be enough to end it, that and the fact he's got a wife at home. You're wasting your time with someone who can't give you all that you want. I wish you'd open your eyes and see your situation for what it is. Take control of your life, tell him goodbye and don't look back.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I totally agree with WWIU...don't waste any more time on this man...
Guest Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Yes thanks for all your comments. I just don't want to continue with it--I am not actually enjoying our meetings like I used to. I know this is because he is treating me more and more badly and I don't know why he can't just treat me like a decent human being. I do not really want to initiate any contact whatsoever with him. I am actually feeling quite ill and he is such a dominant person (bully actually) who punishes people who don't dance to his tune. I do not have any craving to see him again which is actually good and it is pointless even trying to reason with someone like that. Why should I bother anyway--he's not worth it and would only use my attempts to talk to him to humiliate me and I think he's done enough of that. I will wait for him to call to meet up, and then I will tell him over the phone that I am done with it, there's no future in it, and I want to be left alone. I really think I can do that.
boredwithit Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Guest, I am so glad that you have come to this conclusion and to end it. He will be willing to continue it as long as you are up for the sex and it doesn't interfere with his marriage. You are questioning the relationship and his wife may be suspicious which is why he is pulling away. He values his marriage way above the affair--his actions are telling you that. I cannot imagine having a relationship with someone who asks YOU to buy the garters (for his pleasure) and then says he will pay you for them. So he comes round and you present him with the invoice. How degrading is that? He knows that if you bought them you wouldn't humiliate yourself by asking him for payment. So you would end up buying them --see how controlling he is and how insensitive. Your gut instinct is that he is obsessed about sex with you and you are probably right. He has no sense of romance that is for sure, and although he may well be fond of you, he is not love wih you. I think you realise this and that is why you want out. He is a real piece of work and just get rid of him. Actuallt next time he phones tell him you have got some state of the art garters and as he dribbles and asks when he can meet up, just say to him "well not in the foreseeable future darling. I suggest you buy your wife a pair" That will dent his ego somewhat. Only do the above if you feel like it, but I would love to dent the bast--d's ego.
overandout Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Yes thanks for all your comments. I just don't want to continue with it--I am not actually enjoying our meetings like I used to. I know this is because he is treating me more and more badly and I don't know why he can't just treat me like a decent human being. I do not really want to initiate any contact whatsoever with him. I am actually feeling quite ill and he is such a dominant person (bully actually) who punishes people who don't dance to his tune. I do not have any craving to see him again which is actually good and it is pointless even trying to reason with someone like that. Why should I bother anyway--he's not worth it and would only use my attempts to talk to him to humiliate me and I think he's done enough of that. I will wait for him to call to meet up, and then I will tell him over the phone that I am done with it, there's no future in it, and I want to be left alone. I really think I can do that. Guest, I'm sorry that you had to go through so much to see what a piece of sh-- this man is. Sometimes we need to go to hell and back to get it into our heads that this is not what we want. I have read several threads on this forum, but truly your mm takes the prize for bast--- of the century. The best thing is that you have realised it is best for you to move on and that is a major step. He sounds like he has got a personality disorder and you would never be happy with someone like that because they can flip for any particular reason. Anyone who treats another human being in the way he has done has got serious isues within himself and you are not going to cure them. He doesn't want to let you go, but he also knows that things are pretty much at an and and you aren't buying it anymore. I agree, do not contact him as he feeds off your attention and will only hurt you or give you more crap. The best message for him is to ignore him, and if he wants answers from you, don't give him any--just say it is over by phone. You owe him nothing--when did he ever give you any answers to your questions. The longer you are away from him, the quicker you will heal especially since you have seen the light. Let him drown in his own turmoil.
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