Travelmoose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I'm in a bit of a sticky situation and I feel like it's all my fault. About 6 months ago my boyfriend(24) of over 2 years moved in with me(21). At the time our relationship was great but now I feel like he has to move out. I'll start from the beginning: As I had said, 6 months ago my boyfriend (who was living with his parents) moved in with with me and my dad in our house. This may sound like an awkward situation, but at the time everyone was happy with this, and things went along smoothly. Now I feel like this isn't working. He is so messy and refuses to do his laundry because he feels that men shouldn't have to do their laundry. Not to mention my dad doesn't charge him rent and also buys food for him when my boyfriend is supposed to be buying food for himself which was part of the deal when he was moving in. I am full time in school and full time in work with very little time on my hands which I do not want to spend playing "mom" for him. He doesn't go to school and has a full time job, and has plenty of time to do his share of the work, but instead he just comes him and lays down and watches TV and falls asleep. I wind up spending all of my weekends cleaning up after the both of us (I don't do his laundry anymore, I've told him I've gone on strike). I have brought it up twice before that our living arrangements aren't working for me and that maybe he should move back in with his parents, but his parents have now given his room to his two sisters, and the one room that he can live in at their house is so tiny that he won't be able to bring his two very expensive giant fish tanks (which he loves and is his hobby) home which he constantly reminds me of. He had told me the first time when I had told him I was unhappy that he would try and help me and change, and for the first week things we fine. But by the second week things were back to normal. The second time I brought it up, he then proceeded to tell me that he has nowhere to go and that my dad and I have "screwed him" because he has nowhere to go. He still hasn't moved out. I want to tell him that he needs to move out, but I don't know how to say it without be harsh. I have come to understand that no matter what it won't be easy, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I also don't want to break up. We have a great relationship aside from our living situation that has made me cranky. I need him to understand that this wasn't the right time for us to move in together, and that we both have a lot of growing up to do. Any suggestions?
IpAncA Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Okay so you can't live with him and you still want to stay with him? What if you married this guy? Maybe all three of you should sit down and have a talk about the rules of the house. Try talking to him again. Can he afford to live by himself?
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 He doesn't go to school and has a full time job, and has plenty of time to do his share of the work, but instead he just comes him and lays down and watches TV and falls asleep. Oh yes I can see why you don't want to let him go! Listen, I don't mean to sound harsh with you but you are setting the tone of the situation. What you will and won't tolerate. If you want to stay with him - do you want him as he is now? A lazy bum who uses you as his own personal workhorse? He needs to grow up - yes - but as long as you keep making everything okay for him, why should he? I wind up spending all of my weekends cleaning up after the both of us (I don't do his laundry anymore, I've told him I've gone on strike). GLAD you don't do his laundry anymore. Do not go back on that either. His whole idea of men not doing laundry is ridiculous. As long as he wants to stick with that stupid idea - he can be the idiot wearing dirty clothes. I have brought it up twice before that our living arrangements aren't working for me and that maybe he should move back in with his parents, but his parents have now given his room to his two sisters, and the one room that he can live in at their house is so tiny that he won't be able to bring his two very expensive giant fish tanks (which he loves and is his hobby) home which he constantly reminds me of. All of this - the situation about his room being given away, his fish, etc. IS NOT your problem. So do not take it on. He made the decision to move in with you and your dad. He needs to be responsible for himself and his own stuff including his beloved hobby. He had told me the first time when I had told him I was unhappy that he would try and help me and change, and for the first week things we fine. But by the second week things were back to normal. The second time I brought it up, he then proceeded to tell me that he has nowhere to go and that my dad and I have "screwed him" because he has nowhere to go. He still hasn't moved out. All he has to do is his share of the housework to keep the peace and have everything as it is with room for his fish. He has a choice -- you have not screwed him and he is manipulating you when he says this. You need to tell him POINT BLANK that the living situation can't continue as it is. And you will no longer be forced to live the way you are living. HE HAS SCREWED YOU. Not the other way around. You had an agreement when he moved in. He blew it off. Then you talked and he agreed he'd do better - a week later he blew it off again. He either shapes up and pulls his own weight or he has to move. If he whines about his circumstances - you tell him he is forcing you to have to change the situation because he is sucking up all of your free time and burdening your life and YOU can't live like that anymore. So he changes it for good. With NO backsliding or he has to make other arrangements. What you are asking for is not outrageous or impossible. It is not even difficult. So the only one who is screwing him over is he himself with his own action - or lack thereof in this case. I want to tell him that he needs to move out, but I don't know how to say it without be harsh. I have come to understand that no matter what it won't be easy, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I also don't want to break up. We have a great relationship aside from our living situation that has made me cranky. I need him to understand that this wasn't the right time for us to move in together, and that we both have a lot of growing up to do. At this point he is treating you disrespectfully. He is using you - taking advantage of you and you are letting him. He isn't caring about your feelings or being considerate of your time. If he cares as much about your relationship as you do he'll straighten up and be able to step outside of himself to see your side of things and that he is being a complete IMMATURE A$$. If he is going to make it all about him - and stay in this immature frame of mind - it is better to know now. You don't want a man you have to raise. You want one who could take care of YOU if the situation presented itself. You obviously have a great heart and you carry a tremendous sense of responsibility for yourself and your actions. Just remember you deserve the same. And NO guy is worth sacrificing how you are treated. If you end over it - you were going to anyway. Better to know now.
justagirliegirl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 He needs to grow up and realize that out in the real world nobody is going to clean up after him. He has it made really and all he has to do is his fair share. That is all anyone would expect from him regardless of where he lives. A roommate wouldn't put up with it and neither should you. The only person who put up with it is his mum and they don't want him there anymore either. The 3 of you should sit down and divide up the chores and he needs to live up to his part or he can find some place else to live.
someone2 Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 People sometimes need to have their feelings hurt a little bit in order to change to the better. Think of it as a healing mechanism. If you don't hurt his feelings AT ALL, he will never change. Once you realize this, you will find it easier to talk to him about it. He will be thankful you brought it up because sucking it up all the time will make you nervous and may destroy your relationship forever.
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