guitar Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Short time reader, first time poster...I've been in a confusing emotional state for the past couple of weeks after a colossal breakup and stumbled onto this warm little corner of the web looking for some answers... The Backstory: We've been together for 6.5 years, living together the entire time (we're both 25, I'm about to turn 26). We were friends in high school for three years before we got together. I told her one year out of high school that I was starting to have feelings for her. She said that she couldn't deal with that/didn't know how to respond/didn't see me that way, which was fine. We were still friends, I harbored a crush that didn't destroy me because I was young and genuinely loved and respected her as a friend. I moved on and she went off to travel Europe for the summer after graduating high school and came back and moved into a living situation with myself and a few of our other close mutual friends. After two days of her living with me, we were hooking up and eventually a couple, after some torturous "should we, shouldn't we, are we too young?, I really love you and if we get into this we both know it will be *serious*" debate. Eventually our friends moved out and we continued living together. Fast forward a few years; she's decided to go to college and her parents buy her a house to live in while attending school (they were looking to invest in some real estate anyway and received some inheritance money that they didn't really need for themselves). We currently live here together, working on *her* house (she wanted me interested, but never in control), me working (in child care) and her attending school. We also play music together in a two-piece band - I'm a songwriter/guitar player and she loves her drums. Last summer she entered a bit of a depression; her quarterlife crisis, if you will. She rethought her college plans and changed to a much more intensive science curriculum. She also started seeing more of her friends and spending less quality time with me. In other words, she started getting her life together and growing apart from me somewhat. This is good, I thought. I have interests of my own, we've been nearly codependent at times, and her giving herself permission to do things was way better than the depression, even if it meant having somewhat less of an intense relationship. My mistake was to not immediately start doing the same for myself. I continued to hang around at home, bother her for attention, generally being a scared little boy who needed a lot of validation and wondered why she wasn't as interested as she used to be. I didn't get it then. I get it now. Too late. This led to her breaking up with me a couple of weeks ago, with the given reason of wanting to "be a crazy college student" and explore herself, her sexuality with other people, and live for herself for a while outside of an intense relationship. I can intellectually understand that this is a good thing for both of us, but the idea of her with other people and giving up the dream of us together is understandably difficult for me. She hasn't been horrible to me AT ALL; I'm still living in our house until I can find another place (by the end of the month, for sure) and things are pretty civil. She never cheated on me, she's been a bit curt at times, but not aggressive, and she's played fair with splitting up the household items so far. I genuinely love her, care for her, and she's a GREAT GREAT friend. We play great music together, the sex never dropped off in quality (we haven't been together physically since the breakup, obviously), and she still has feelings for me. THIS I KNOW. We got together very young, had every formative experience you can have with a SO, and now it's over. She needs to get on for a while, but I find it very difficult. Long story short, I feel like a total ass for not changing sooner (hello, wake-up call!) and I desperately want her back, but not right now. I can't disagree with her logic for the breakup - we clearly both have issues that we need to work out before we can even consider our compatibility again. In the meanwhile, no matter how hard I try to just work on myself, I want her there. And she actually *is* there for me, just as a friend and musical collaborator. Being friends and making music is incredibly important to both of us. I wish that she would leave the door open for a future, but I understand why she can't consider that right now. What's a boy to do? Basically, my best chance with her is to give her what she needs because I love her so much while trying to make myself happy and healthy, right? That's a bitter pill to take. (It's hard - especially in my emotional state - to adequately sum up 6.5 years in a few paragraphs, so I'd be happy to answer any questions. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, really. I've answered all of my own questions. Has anyone else had a similar experience of a completely amicable breakup that you just can't seem to get over?)
Yamaha Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I'm sorry but she has no intention of having a relationship with you in the future. You need to get that out of your head now so you can move on with your life. If you dwell on her wanting to come back to you you will not accept the situation and start dating other people ( as she wants to do ). She would not leave you if she had any intention of wanting a relationship with you. She is just trying to make it easy on you ( in her credit ) but she wants you to realize that it's over and to go on without her. Do not beat yourself up over the why's and what if's because it is not your fault. You two just are not meant to be together. Even if you had been more independent, as she was, it result would have been the same. Just take with you what you learned about yourself and other people and use this in your next relationship with a women who wants to be with you and doesn't want to explore her sexuality.
oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 You are not to blame. Don't kick yourself and blame yourself for not becoming more busy or doing something else in your life. You did nothing wrong. Relationships run their course. Be glad this one ended with honesty and without deception. This is not an example of nice guys finishing last, it is an example of nice guys finishing first. You were able to sustain a long and loving relationship with a wonderful woman. That is a SUCCESS! You have to qualities and skills to experience intense intimacy. That is a wonderful thing and will ultimately lead you to love and fulfillment with someone who is a better match.
Author guitar Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 I'm sorry but she has no intention of having a relationship with you in the future. You need to get that out of your head now so you can move on with your life. If you dwell on her wanting to come back to you you will not accept the situation and start dating other people ( as she wants to do ). She would not leave you if she had any intention of wanting a relationship with you. She is just trying to make it easy on you ( in her credit ) but she wants you to realize that it's over and to go on without her. Thank you for the reply; I appreciate it. It's trickier than I made it sound. I get the sense from her that she is intellectually interested in exploring sex with other people, feels like she *should* be sowing her oats now (before it's too late), so she's putting herself out there with "no plans". I can't speak for her or know precisely what she is thinking, of course, but I've always known her to be very sentimental and unsure of her motivations. I think she feels a general unease and desperation with her life and needs me out of the way for a while to get a sense of what exactly she wants. She initially (months ago) mentioned the idea of merely separating for a set amount of time and I was inflexible about it, which unfortunately made me more of an obstacle to have to remove. Really, you're right - I should be trying not to think about these things, should be trying not to make assumptions. We've hugged a lot over the past few days and almost kissed/given each other "that look"/found ourselves using the little special terms of endearment without realizing it. This just doesn't seem over. It seems "on hold". We've discussed the fact that she seems eerily emotionally detatched from the current situation. I think that once I move out or school isn't such a time-consuming drain on her (ie. in the next few weeks, when semester ends and I leave), she's going to get blindsided by the feelings. I worry about that. Wishful thinking? And I'm trying to not to beat myself up, really, but that's been the hardest part. Well, that and the fact that we both feel strongly that we need to stay friends. Amicable partings are almost harder - if you're still getting along and have strong feelings of affection/attraction for each other, you're both going to continue to wonder why it didn't work. Some advice in that regard would be much appreciated. Clearly we can't be together right now and I need to explore without leaving the door open to "us" - like she's trying to. I don't want NC and neither does she. So what to do?
Zoo Station Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Your situation sounds really similar to what I went through. I hope everything works out for you.
Yamaha Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 You are making excuses for her actions because you want to believe she still loves you and wants a relationship. If you loved someone would you leave and want to explore sex with other people? I'm sure she still has feelings for you but they are not strong enough to want to be exclusive to you. The bottom line is she is not at the same point that you are and she wants to go in a different direction. She will let you go to explore these feelings she is now experiencing, can you say the same for yourself? Would you be willing to let her go ( even if you loved her ) to explore something you felt you needed to do? I don't think you would but she is. This should be sending you a huge red flag but you are still in denial. As far as staying friends go, I think that after you move out and she goes her way you will find that she won't keep in touch with you and the "friendship" she says she now wants will end. Many people say they want to stay in touch but why do you want to keep in touch unless she is going to change her mind? You will do as you want but after you are both living different lives for a time I think you will find that you will adjust to things and she will not be as important in your life.
Author guitar Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 You're good at this Yamaha, damn you! You're right, I am in denial and the likelihood of her taking me back is next-to-zilch. I need to get on with my life and see other people and get over this woman. I acknowledge that. I disagree about the friends/drifting apart thing, though. We were friends first, we're still very compatible as such and have a lot of common interests and history. We might have to force ourselves apart or not be as close for a while, but beyond the tragedy of losing the love, it is really not acceptable to either of us to not be friends. You're making what is probably a safe bet on the odds of our friendship lasting, but I refuse to be fatalistic about that aspect of this whole mess I'm going through. I'll fight harder to stay her friend than I would to stay her lover and I think she'd say the same.
Author guitar Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Your situation sounds really similar to what I went through. I hope everything works out for you. Wow, just read the thread you started, Zoo Station. I relate to a lot of it. You haven't seen the ex, though. Mine still wants to see me, which conflicts my emotions a lot. I want my love relationship back, but I think that I can eventually teach my heart to equate the old romantic love for her with a new, equally strong platonic love. "I love you so much...(as a friend)..." Maybe not, though. Sigh. It's too soon to worry about, I guess. Good luck to you!
jusified Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 mate, look, its hard at first but with time you will realise its a good thing that you are no longer involved with a girl like that. Nice guys don't finish last, be a good person, be confident and have fun been single. You might be single for awhile or you might not, but just do things to keep yourself happy and forget about the girl. Think about it, if soeone better came into your life who can treat you like the way you wanted in a relationship, would you still feel lke your finishing last or feel like you miss your ex?? good luck, life gets bad then good then bad then good. Just like the volitility chart in the stockmarket
oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Also, don't fret about YOU moving on and dating around right now. You just had your heart broken. Distance yourself from her for a few months, heal, and then think about dating. You aren't in a competition with her and you don't have to keep up. Take this time to do what you want to do with your life, be it music, fitness, or any other goal. Make new friends. Date when you are ready, not as a reaction to her.
Guest Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 i can understand exactly what you are going through, but just remember that if you remain friends you will be subject to seeing her with other men, why put urself through that sort of pain???
Living_For_Me Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Hi Guitar I've just been reading your situation and is very similar to something i am going through at the moment. You really need to cut all contact with this girl. It will be very difficult after 6.5 years, but i truly believe it is something you must do in order to get over her. There is no chance of you getting closure with her around. Yamaha has also truly hit the nail on the head with this one. Women who truly love a man, don't want to be apart from them and they certainly don't want to have sexual relations with other men. Her actions completely contradict that of a woman in love. It's a tough pill to swallow mate but it is the truth.
Author guitar Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 You really need to cut all contact with this girl. It will be very difficult after 6.5 years, but i truly believe it is something you must do in order to get over her. There is no chance of you getting closure with her around. You said it! After last night, I'm really considering hanging this one out to dry forever, "friends" be damned. Update: we're still living together until the first of April (the soonest I can move in to my new place). We've had fun times, civil times and ridiculously tense times since the breakup, of which last night was one of the latter. The night before last, she cagily informed me that she was going hiking the next day and would be gone for most of the day. I said, "Okay, cool. Where are you planning to go? Are you taking some friends?" - not checking up on her, just genuinely curious and making small-talk. She said that she didn't want to tell me who she was going with, that it wasn't her "responsibility" to keep me informed of what is going on in her life, and that she certainly wasn't going to be dating anyone for a while (while she works on her "personal issues") if that's what I was getting at. "Whatever," I said, and didn't talk any more to her about it. Well, yesterday I came home from work expecting to find her gone on her hiking trip and what do I find but her and a (male) classmate of hers hanging out at the house. I played it cool, said "what's up? how are you?", small-talked her male friend, etc. Maybe it was just my level of surprise or irritation with this situation that makes me say this, but I thought I felt a great deal of sexual tension between them. He has been her lab partner at school, they've hung out a bit socially, he's moving away in a few weeks, and is actually a real sweet, safe guy. I can't fault her taste in a rebound if that is indeed what he is. Eventually they left at around 7PM (she was giving him a ride home). When she left she said that she still had end-of-quarter evaluations to do for her school, so she wouldn't be gone too long. Well, lo and behold, she didn't come home until 12:30AM, after I had spent a few hours desperately trying to fall asleep so as not to cause a scene when she came home, which of course is exactly what I wound up doing. Essentially, I asked her if that was a date and why was she telling me that she wasn't going to be dating when it was fairly clear that she was? And why make a big point of not telling me where she's going/what she's doing/who she'd doing it with and then come home with some guy and throw it right in my face? She just gave me the same tired "I don't have to talk to you about this, so I'm not going to" line. I don't think that she slept with him last night, but at this point I wouldn't put it past her - either she's testing me with some MAJOR games or she's just a really screwed-up person right now. Either way, to hell with this. This is SO not like her; she's clearly in a highly confused and agitated state right now and she's super-dangerous to me and not acting like the "friend" that she claims she wants to be. Damn, at this point, even if she comes to her senses it's going to take a prolonged period of begging for me to even have contact with her now. Last night was just utterly humiliating and infuriating. One more week, then I move out and can put the space between us. Then one week after that I'm going to convalesce at my parents' place in Florida for two weeks. I'm hoping that a massive change of scenery, some laying out on the beach, etc. will do the trick. The truly horrible thing: March 31st, the day before I move out, the last day of living with this woman after 6.5years? My birthday. But still, after all of this, I see her and I'm all: /:lmao: /:sick:
2ndIINone Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 She said that she didn't want to tell me who she was going with, that it wasn't her "responsibility" to keep me informed of what is going on in her life, and that she certainly wasn't going to be dating anyone for a while (while she works on her "personal issues") if that's what I was getting at.that's craaaaaaap! I'm sorry, but the love of your life is being a serious biiooootch!!! She could've did without all that explanation. She's got some serious issues at the moment. Don't ask her questions anymore... don't lead onto any type of emotions or feelings. Go about your day... focused on you. As hard as it's going to be... and it will. Most likely will get worse before it gets better... at the moment, you know you'll see her around the house, so there's some satisfaction.... but once you're out of the house... your own mind games will most likely get worse. Sorry bro... stay strong and don't give her anymore satisfaction/head swelling by asking what could be potentially 'jealousy' questions. Cause that's the only way she'll see it.... ps. nice guys don't finish last.... but predictable, unsure, insecure, always available, lovey dovey shmoopy always doin' the right thing guys DO finish last. Have fun in Florida.... and get ya head right!
bina Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 quit feeling sorry for yourself. things happen, both good and bad. tough ****. you asked for advice and so i will give it to you. next time you see her, **** with her. mess with her head. challenge her. be a smartass. i'm sure many people will say i give you bad advice, but what do you have to lose? nothing. be pissed off that she deserted you and show her that you won't take it lying down. that being said, don't be mean. don't dare be mean, but just stand up to her. i dare you.
Ormolu611 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 This is SO not like her; she's clearly in a highly confused and agitated state right now and she's super-dangerous to me and not acting like the "friend" that she claims she wants to be. Damn, at this point, even if she comes to her senses it's going to take a prolonged period of begging for me to even have contact with her now. Last night was just utterly humiliating and infuriating. Man I feel for you! My gf of 9 years said some similar crappy things to me when she broke it off just over three weeks ago. She said stuff like that when she calls me to come over often times it is because she feels obligated to do so, not that she actually wants to see me. She has so much anger and frustration behind her words that seem to mirror or at least resemble the attitude that your SO has. I was only able to think to myself, what the hell have I done to you for you to be so pissed? Honestly, I think it has to do with her notion that I have kept her in a relationship that she thinks has too many issues and that she felt trapped and resentful for that. That is how she was behaving, like a trapped animal. We were never able to move forward (marriage) because she was just to worrisome and fretful. Unfortunately, I think most of the issues that we had were due to her own unresolved emotional issues steming from her parents' divorce when she was younger (it was really ugly) and her family's subsequent dysfunction (they are screwed up to this day! I mean its terrible!). I'm not a psychiatrist, but I feel that she was maybe so afraid of making a mistake and ending up like her parents somehow, that she is frozen by fear. Any argument between us was to her a sign of potential trouble that frightened her and she would interpret it as a sign that we were not "meant" for each other. As if it is not normal for couples to ever argue about anything. Anyway, I have not had any kind of contact with her since then, and feel determined I think to keep it that way for my own good. I think that you are right in that she is super dangerous to you right now in her current state. Put as much distance as you can as early as you can to protect yourself. I have found that anger helps me maintain no contact. Maybe not anger, but contempt is probably a better word . . . or pity. After thinking it through, I think that I would look like a total wuss in her eyes if I initiated any contact after she spoke to me the way she did. Not only that, but I would feel like one myself. Now I feel that if we ever speak or communicate again, she will have to be the one to start it. Who knows what your SO is going through . . . after her behavior, I think you are right in not sticking around to find out. Good luck to you . . .
Author guitar Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Honestly, I think it has to do with her notion that I have kept her in a relationship that she thinks has too many issues and that she felt trapped and resentful for that. That is how she was behaving, like a trapped animal. We were never able to move forward (marriage) because she was just to worrisome and fretful. Unfortunately, I think most of the issues that we had were due to her own unresolved emotional issues... Bingo! That's exactly it with her. She has even come right out and said that. She has a whole bundle of unresolved childhood issues that surfaced after getting some therapy during a deep depression she went through last summer (adult child of an alcoholic, codependency, guilt and blame issues, etc.). She came out on the other side and slowly started pushing me away and taking me for granted, causing me to lose trust/become jealous/"chase" her until it got so bad that we broke up. It really boils down to her not being happy with herself, not being able to give to herself, not being able to respect herself - and those things rendering her incapable of being happy with/giving to/respecting anyone else in her life. From reading a lot of the threads here at LoveShack, this seems a pretty "classic" end to a mid-twenties "first serious relationship". The "trapped animal" thing is very very apt - she has used those exact words. She also said something that struck me as very true: "It's a horrible torture to have someone around who you love so much, all the while knowing that you're incapable of giving them what they need from you." It's been an odd ride this past month, real rocky. Yesterday she was really pissed and irritated with me, but this morning she wanted to make me breakfast. My mom says that women sometimes do the push/pull thing at breakup time because they still feel something for you, but they also subconsciously feel like they have to treat you badly to show you and themselves that they mean business and prove that things really can't be worked out. (Especially girls with mental/emotional problems like hers.) Ultimately she's way too screwed-up in her own head for me to be around right now and I'm asking too much of her/being too clingy for her to work her issues out. We've discussed having no contact for a set period of time and then seeing each other again to see where we stand. I find that to be fairly reasonable, but I'm still trying to figure out whether it's possible for me to take that leap of faith while still moving on and not getting hurt or dragged emotionally back into this pain. When you peel back the romantic relationship, she's really like family to me and I worry about her and want her to work through her problems (I have a lot to take care of too), but I hate the idea of losing her from my life forever. I don't know if I can really believe the theory that "Oh, you guys had a great relationship and then came the problems and she treated you like crap for a little while and then left you. How could you still love her and think she has feelings for you?" really holds water in this instance. If someone is having some major issues, isn't taking a break or toughing through a breakup-of-necessity what you do when you really love someone? If they ask for space and you can survive giving it to them, isn't that in fact a Herculean act of love? Isn't admitting to yourself and your partner that that is, in fact, what you need ultimately a huge showing of honesty and respect for both of you? Wow, I'm ranting a lot...thanks for listening, all!
Author guitar Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 And then I read back what I just wrote and go, "Damn, I still sound like I'm still head-over-heels for this girl - am I?" JUST LET HER GO ALREADY! Relationships are so confusing.
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 chicks are not like men right when she said i think we need a break or whatever u need to gtfo asap. a women will go thru a block wall if she loves a person to be with them. its too bad all relationships start this way but sometimes ppl have a change of heart or if shes young she thinks she can do better and would regret not having the oppertunity to go try even thou shes letting you down its all about herself at that point shes slowly pushing u out emotionally and severing the connection you two have.
Living_For_Me Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 It most certainly does. Avoid all contact with her and make changes in your life to make yourself a better man. I'm going through something very similar. I've rekindled my love for the gym and weight training. I've made more gains in the past month than i made for the whole of last year. Just keep yourself busy mate and do things that make yourself feel good.
jusified Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 of casue it gets easier. If you treated her great, did everything the best you can, cared and loved her then you will have no regres. It hurts like hell and feel lonely at the start, and later on you might still feel it but eventually you will realise you are a great person (or mprove and become better) and a right girl will come into your life. By then you will realise it was a good thing the ex left you.
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