georgejungle Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 This is mainly just to vent my frustration... I have two friends i always used to hang with. I used to play music with these guys and had a lot of good times with them. I still do from time to time, but Ever since they've married and now have kids, Seems like they can NEVER EVER get away. I'm not talking about partying every night. I don't do that. I just mean casual saturday night hangs every now and then to play some music or hangout and shoot the ***** at the Cafe or watch some old sci fi movies or whatever. Travis can NEVER leave the house until after 8:00pm after the toddler is in bed and Wife doesn't have to worry about anything for the rest of the night. Tommy only seems to be able to do things when his wife has girly things to do with their two little 7 year old twins, or there's a kid sleepover...It's during those times when "like clockwork", Tommy phones me to see if I want to hang. It's like those are the only times he ever calls me to hang out. My wife, I love her...She's awesome. I love spending all my free time with her. But even if i have things to do, or a hobby i'd like to work on, she's totally open to me having my time to do what I need to do. Same with me towards her. We give each other our space because we both believe it's important. It's a mutual respect and caring. Even though we end up being together all the time anyway, HA! But we support each other in having our OWN personal friend time or whatever Granted i'll be there for the family cause and right by my wife's side when we have kids. But I think a healthy balance is needed to not go out of your mind when you can't get away to do something creative or have have your time to just be You. I hope i don't sound like i want to be 22 my whole life and be able to hang out anytime i want. I'm just saying I think what my friends are going thru is a bit ridiculous. Maybe they are just too scared to ask to go out.
LoveLace Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I am not trying to sound like smart a**, but welcome to the real world. Believe it or not, you will understand when you have kids yourself. Rules of the relationship end up changing weather or not either of you want them to. Do you realize the wives can't just get away anytime and hang out with their friends either? ESPECIALLY with twins, she needs all the help she can get!! If you want to spend time with Tommy, you will have to be available at the times he calls, he has a WHOLE family not just a wife (like you) so time for his buds is limited. As for Travis, if he and his wife made the agreement that he can leave after the kid is in bed...that is their perogative..he should consider himself lucky...I know people with THREE children, and believe me, they argue about who should get to do what and when quite frequently. I know a couple married 10 yrs with 3 and they are just now able to get the routine down without fighting about it every single time. I am 30 yrs. old and the only single person left in all of my friends. They are ALL married with children and if we make time for fun, it has to be convenient for them more than for me, cuz I don't have kids & babysitters to worry about like them. Now that it's starting with your friends, trust me, it will not change from here on out. You should make the best of what little time you and your buds have together. If the kids are babies, the parents need more time to get used to the routine of raising them or whatever. Usually after a while, they become more relaxed about leaving them with sitters and more willing to get out of the house, etc. But overall, this is the life of Married With Children. It's ok though, you are not the first guy to feel this way when his buds have kids. It's the same as when they start getting serious girlfriends and you all start saying "man he's whipped!".
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 It's ok though, you are not the first guy to feel this way when his buds have kids. It's the same as when they start getting serious girlfriends and you all start saying "man he's whipped!".It sounds like, (to me), that your buddies are acting like responsible adults.....
LoveLace Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 It sounds like, (to me), that your buddies are acting like responsible adults..... Exactly. Family comes 1st.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Ever since they've married and now have kids, Seems like they can NEVER EVER get away. Travis can NEVER leave the house until after 8:00pm after the toddler is in bed and Wife doesn't have to worry about anything for the rest of the night. Did it ever occur to you that maybe that your friends are just as happy staying home with the wife and kids? That the desire to go out and be with buddies on a Saturday night isn't what your friend really wants to do? People these days work longer hours, and spending time at home with the family, yes, even Saturday nights, is important? Things change as people get married and have kids. Also, I'm sure he WANTS to BE with his wife after the kids are in bed at 8pm on Saturday night so THEY can have their "alone" time. OFcourse it's normal for each person in the marriage to have their alone time with friends, do hobbies and go out on their own - BUT, some people don't feel the need to do that as much...They're perfectly happy curling up on the couch once the kids go to bed, watch a hockey game together, or a DVD. Or have sex, or just spend time talking and catching up over a bowl of icecream. Tommy only seems to be able to do things when his wife has girly things to do with their two little 7 year old twins, or there's a kid sleepover...It's during those times when "like clockwork", Tommy phones me to see if I want to hang. It's like those are the only times he ever calls me to hang out. Then those are times he's available to you. Like or not, he's decided to stick around when his wife is home with the kids. Not because he HAS to, but because that's family time. So, yeah, when he gets an evening or day to himself, he's gonna call up a buddy and see what's up. Don't look at that as a negative thing. Also, people who are married with kids want to spend time as a family with their friends and kids included as well. Just as important! And yes, adult time is just as important to keep the friendship alive...Has to be an even balance at some point, depending on how old the kids are. I think what my friends are going thru is a bit ridiculous. Maybe they are just too scared to ask to go out. Until you're in that place in life, don't judge. Don't assume your friends are pussy whipped and not "allowed" to go out. They've chosen that life and more than likely quite happy with it. It sounds to me like you're really missing your fun times with your buddies -And that's OK, but don't make it about them being tied to the ball and chain, not allowed to live life how they used to be before marriage and kids.
Author georgejungle Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 I'm NOT saying they don't enjoy being with their new little families. They need to have their family time. Why else have a family??? I Do Know You need to make some Compromises and make some changes, I AGREE!!! What i'm mainly talking about is, well, take Tommy for instance. I've been to his house many times before, just visiting and we've been hanging out and he's said "Hey i want to show you this music DVD really quick" ...and his wife was "Oh No You're Not Buddy, Not now ...I don't want to have to listen to any of that right now". And Tommy just said O.K. and we just sat around watching regular TV. Why wouldn;t she just let him watch a DVD? It almost felt like we were in high school again and his Mom was there. A lot of these things were happening even before they both had kids...My big thing is that I feel their wives are just a little controlling. The way Tommy's wife talks to him at times and the way he just basically does whatever she says, well...that's mainly what i'm talking about. Travis' wife well, she kinda calls the shots and he just follows. I know he loves her and I know he loves his child, but I know he misses a lot of things. I think he's compromised A LOT.
Woggle Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 It is their fault. Men let themselves become whipped because they trade in their balls to please a woman and they end up in situations such as this. Tell your friends to stand up to their wives and go out with their friends who existed way before any wife came into the picture.
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 It is their fault. Men let themselves become whipped because they trade in their balls to please a woman and they end up in situations such as this. Tell your friends to stand up to their wives and go out with their friends who existed way before any wife came into the picture. Oh JEEEeeeeeezzzz..... Some of us MEN, love our wives Woggle. To the point of laying our lives down for them even. We care for them as much if not more than we care about ourselves. So we REVERE them. You just intrepret it as being, "subserviants". Sounds to me that you and the OP are jealous....that's all.....
Woggle Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Oh JEEEeeeeeezzzz..... Some of us MEN, love our wives Woggle. To the point of laying our lives down for them even. We care for them as much if not more than we care about ourselves. So we REVERE them. You just intrepret it as being, "subserviants". Sounds to me that you and the OP are jealous....that's all..... I love my wife as well but I also have a life that existed before she was in the picture and she has a life as well. In any good marriage both partners will respect that.
LoveLace Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 It is their fault. Men let themselves become whipped because they trade in their balls to please a woman and they end up in situations such as this. Tell your friends to stand up to their wives and go out with their friends who existed way before any wife came into the picture. Those men would not be there with their wives or even married in the 1st place if they did not WANT to be...they consiously chose to live the life that leads to them to becoming a family man. What is so wrong with that? If this guy's buddies really wanted to hang out with him that bad, they wouldn't care what the wives think. Trust me, I've witnessed it. When it comes down to it, men only do what they really want to do. To say they are "whipped by the wife" is just a cover-up. If anyone ends up unhappy or feeling resentment towards their spouse for any reason, there are underlying relationship issues there, it isn't because they have less time for their friends.
JackJack Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 This doesn't sound like controling wives. It sounds like some of these men might be happy in their situations, have grown up, and feel that hanging out just isn't their thing right now.
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I love my wife as well but I also have a life that existed before she was in the picture and she has a life as well. In any good marriage both partners will respect that.I Agree.....but tell me this....where are you priorities with this? Do you expect your wife to be second place to your, "former life"?
Woggle Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I Agree.....but tell me this....where are you priorities with this? Do you expect your wife to be second place to your, "former life"? I would never have married her if I didn't think she was worth an equal place with my friends. To me they are both equal but if she ever makes me choose I will choose my friends in a heartbeat.
LoveLace Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Do you expect your wife to be second place to your, "former life"? If so, you shouldn't be married.
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I would never have married her if I didn't think she was worth an equal place with my friends. To me they are both equal but if she ever makes me choose I will choose my friends in a heartbeat.WOW......ok then.....guess you know what a, "marriage" is don't you?? I wonder what Mrs. Woggle's response would be to that statement......If so, you shouldn't be married.Thanks for finishing my thought. Better watch out, or some people might think you and I are married....
LoveLace Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I would never have married her if I didn't think she was worth an equal place with my friends. To me they are both equal but if she ever makes me choose I will choose my friends in a heartbeat. Did your wife marry you knowing you feel that way?
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I would never have married her if I didn't think she was worth an equal place with my friends. To me they are both equal but if she ever makes me choose I will choose my friends in a heartbeat. Your friends are not your family though. Your friends aren't going to sit by your bedside if you're sick and in the hospital. They aren't going to comfort you and give you the intimate and emotional support your wife will give you. Unconditional love...Friends, they have a choice! And sometimes when you need your friends most, they cannot be there for you due to the fact THEY have their own families and kids to worry about and you come second. I doubt your wife or any of these guys the OP posted about would make their husbands CHOOSE between them and their friends. That's just stupid. "Hey i want to show you this music DVD really quick" ...and his wife was "Oh No You're Not Buddy, Not now ...I don't want to have to listen to any of that right now". And Tommy just said O.K. and we just sat around watching regular TV. Why wouldn;t she just let him watch a DVD? It almost felt like we were in high school again and his Mom was there. Then it is your problem, not your friends problem. You have to come to terms with it and deal with it. That's his life! If it bothers him ENOUGH he'll talk to her about it because it BUGS him, not because it bugs you. Hope that makes sense.
Woggle Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 My friends were there for me and gave me a place to stay when I would have otherwise been homeless so that loyalty is for life. My wife understands this and respects this. I could never be with a woman that would make me choose but if she doesn't make me choose she can earn an equal spot. This is why so many men end up depressed. When a man's wife walks out on him he has no support system because she made him give up all his friends and the controlling wives are usually the ones that do walk out all of a sudden. This causes him to sink into depression and loneliness. With my friends there I know that if she turns on me one day they will be there.
JackJack Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 When a man's wife walks out on him he has no support system because she made him give up all his friends and the controlling wives are usually the ones that do walk out all of a sudden. This causes him to sink into depression and loneliness. It just all pre-destined for you isn't it Woggle? People can be married and still have friends and yes hang out with them at times. But when you get married most of the time, I would think that spouse takes priority over the friends.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 When a man's wife walks out on him he has no support system because she made him give up all his friends She made him? Come on, that's a guys fault if he loses ALL his friends and can't stand up to his wife.
Guest Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 If they were your true freinds they would still be there.
LoveLace Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Plus, you said your buddies call you to hang out whenever they can, you shouldn't expect any more from them than that. If someone's wife was really that controlling, they probably wouldn't call you at all. As for how his wife reacted about the DVD...who cares? Everybody has a bad freakin' day. If her husband chooses to comply to what she says, that is HIS CHOICE. She wasn't holding a f****n gun to his head!! Dude, you really need to grow up and realize LIFE CHANGES as a result of the paths we choose. And your wife shouldn't have to "earn" her equality to your friends or to anyone else. Earn your love, maybe. And obviously your friends love their wives and children very much, and your complaining that they don't put YOU first so why would you put them first? Having a family is a full time job for BOTH parents. They don't sit around and worry that their kid-free friend might be bored and need someone to hang out with. And like someone said above, that's great that your friends were there when you needed them...but you obviously don't feel that they are now, do you? They were for you then, your wife is there for you and now and forever. Say she did make you choose, and you choose your friends. What are you gonna do, move in with them and their wives and kids?
Island Girl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I would never have married her if I didn't think she was worth an equal place with my friends. To me they are both equal but if she ever makes me choose I will choose my friends in a heartbeat. I feel sorry for your wife. You obviously do not understand what marriage means. If you were in a dire straights situation - who would be there fighting with you in the trenches? Your wife. If you needed something that would be a major inconvenience in someone's life - something most would say "no" to - who would do it without question? Your wife. A marriage is a lifetime commitment. Friends change, move away, have other lives and priorities. Your wife is standing by your side and will be as your friends change and disappear. How sad that you do not get that. How sad that the moment you said "I Do" her status should be elevated above ALL others - including parents, siblings, and especially friends.
Woggle Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 She made him? Come on, that's a guys fault if he loses ALL his friends and can't stand up to his wife. I said that before. I don't condone what women do but men do it to ourselves by putting up with it. Men can change the current state of affairs easily by growing a pair of balls.
Woggle Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I feel sorry for your wife. You obviously do not understand what marriage means. If you were in a dire straights situation - who would be there fighting with you in the trenches? Your wife. If you needed something that would be a major inconvenience in someone's life - something most would say "no" to - who would do it without question? Your wife. A marriage is a lifetime commitment. Friends change, move away, have other lives and priorities. Your wife is standing by your side and will be as your friends change and disappear. How sad that you do not get that. How sad that the moment you said "I Do" her status should be elevated above ALL others - including parents, siblings, and especially friends. This is not true. When times get hard the wife tends to walk out of a man's life and takes him for everything he has. She will leave him claiming that she needs to find herself or that she loves him but is not in love with him or she will cheat on him and claim that she is a liberated feminist. Wives for the most part cannot be depended on to be there when the chips are down. If I put my wife above my friends who will be there for me if she turns on me.
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