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Posted

Well I've just spent the morning searching the net for advice, but decided the best way is to tell you my story and then ask.

 

I met "My girl" 9 years ago, we were both 17 and my friends girlfriend arranged a blind date. We hit it off straight away, she was absolutely gorgeous and when I realised she liked me too I couldnt believe my luck. I remember thinking I would never leave this girl, she was perfect

 

We moved in together a few months later and have been together ever since, man we've been through some tough times together and I truly believe that without her I may not have had the strength to make it through some of the trials that life has thrown at me.

 

After about 4 - 5 years the relationship wasn't what it used to be, we argued a lot, sex was dull at best. I had been wondering if we should split up. But then out of the blue we found out she was 7 months pregnant, and to top it off she gave birth 2 weeks early. So in the space of 6 - 7 weeks we were thrown head first into parenthood.

 

After the initial shock and fear we were both happy and our relationship seemed to have a purpose again and grew strong. Although tmes were tough, we were young, naive and had pretty much no money. But again we survived bouncing off each others strength. So we now have a Son he is nearly 5 years old and is the most important thing in my life.

 

But for the last few years things have been rocky to say the least, after a few near break ups and endless arguements over the most ridiculous things, I'm growing tired, I really feel there is no love or even lust left in our relationship, we have tried so hard to make things work. We both have it's plain to see but so are the signs that we are both so drained from trying so hard.

 

I pretty much no that we need to go our seperate ways for both our sakes otherwise we are just gonna end up loathing each other, which I think from the last few nights is very close. It almost feels as though we cant look each other in the eyes. we seem to have sex maybe 3 - 4 times a month and to be honest I dont really care, it seems like the passion went out of our sex many years ago, we stopped tryng new things. It became almost planned, and only ever happened in bed at then end of the night right before sleep. And then by the time you go to bed your too tired to try. Whereas 9 years ago, we would have had sex anywhere, anytime, for any reason.

 

Its not my sex drive, I'm so horny all the time that I've become a bit of a flirt lately, and the girls I work with show me more attention than "My girl" does.

Half the time I'd rather be at work than sitting at home on the opposite side of the sofa watching some crap on TV.

 

I work in a pub so I get invited out all the time, but feel I cant go out because we will argue about it for days after (she doesn't like me going out without her) I think I've been out twice this year.

 

I feel really down all the time, so much that people keep asking me if I'm ok at work. Then they will invite me out to "cheer me up" when in theory they're making me feel worse because I feel like I'm not allowed to go out and have to make up excuses as to why I cant go. Lets face it, I cant say "I cant go out tonight, I'm not allowed" its pathetic.

 

 

So anyway, heres my problem...

 

I'm scared, Scared that I'll be labled a bad father for leaving my family,

Scared that I'll regret leaving her,

Scared that I'll think I miss her and still love her, because I'm so used to her being there, could it really just be a habbit?

Scared my Son will grow up to hate me

Scared that I wont find anyone else

Scared that I wont beable to support myself

Most importantly, I think I'm scared of being alone!

 

Any help or advice would be great, but in honesty I think just telling someone how I feel has helped.

Posted

One thing I have learnt is that there will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be reasons to stay, real, imaginary or whatever. If you are to leave, you have to override those fears - individual therapy may help.

 

However, look at it another way - you say you are scared of all those things. But do you want to look back in 10 years' time and say you spent 2007-2017 feeling miserable? No!!!

 

So you have to change the pattern in order to find a solution. That means either going to couple counselling/therapy to address your problems and try to rebuild a happy, fulfilling relationship. Or to decide to move on to a new stage in your life.

 

Your fears are valid and normal. And they are also the things that keep people in unhappy relationships.

Posted

From what you posted I don't see many efforts from you our your girlfriend to work on the issues that you have. You're complaining about arguing a lot with her, the sex being dull, you wanting to go out.. Well, these things happen after a few years spent with the same person. I think that because you have a child with her, what you should be doing as a first step is to identify your issues and take steps to solve them. If you guys don't know how to fight effectively, then see a counsellor. After you've given it all you can, for an extended period of time (give it a few months or more), only then should you consider leaving because you've chosen to stay with this girl and have a family with her. Also, register to this forum and read as much as you can. You will be surprised at how typical your issues are and how many other people have to deal with this after they've been with somebody for a few years. I think that there's still lots of hope for your relationship to grow and get better, so hang in there and don't give up just yet! Good luck..

Posted

I just re-read the last part of your post, and I'll take back what I said about both of you not working on it hard enough. I'll actually rephrase that: perhaps you don't work on it effectively. Maybe you haven't learned how to fight properly, and maybe you just need a different strategy to help you deal with your issues.

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