loveknot Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Iam married but not happily married for some reasons that I can't explain. I tried to make it work for so many time but it is still worsening . Recently, I started to have feelings for a girl in my class. After the class we talk to each other about everyday life at the coffee shop in the university, and we say goodbye to each other when the classes are over. On last week end, it was very different - we bumped into each other in the mall and we were both nervous..sparks..and stuff like that. She had to find her words to talk to me. She is also married but I think she has some feelings for me, too. but I don't know where to begin? I know that I shouldn't be talking to a taken woman but at least I'd like to clear my throat and see how it goes.
Author loveknot Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Mature enough to know my own feelings ( 27)
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 No need to get snippy...... We've all had these feeling before. There isn't anything wrong with hoping other women besides your wife find you attractive. I don't know what the situation is with your marriage, or why you feel it isn't working out the way you planned, but I'll tell you, most marriages DON'T work out as planned. You can either stay married, leave this girl in your class alone, and re-build your relationship. OR If your wife has been unfaithful, divorce her, and then make your move. As for right here and now, you're being disrespectful to the covenant you made with your wife, and you're bringing more shame to male race with your dis-honor. That's just my humble opinion.
Author loveknot Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 No need to get snippy...... We've all had these feeling before. There isn't anything wrong with hoping other women besides your wife find you attractive. I don't know what the situation is with your marriage, or why you feel it isn't working out the way you planned, but I'll tell you, most marriages DON'T work out as planned. You can either stay married, leave this girl in your class alone, and re-build your relationship. OR If your wife has been unfaithful, divorce her, and then make your move. As for right here and now, you're being disrespectful to the covenant you made with your wife, and you're bringing more shame to male race with your dis-honor. That's just my humble opinion. I have clearly understood your point of view regarding my situation but as I said earlier in my post " I tried to make my marriage work but did not work". I have the feelings of my own which is to talk to this girl and find out what that feeling is all about.
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I have the feelings of my own which is to talk to this girl and find out what that feeling is all about.You came to us to find out what your first step should be:She is also married but I think she has some feelings for me, too. but I don't know where to begin? Basically, you're asking the good people here how to start an affair. That doesn't set well with most. I explained your options. Stay faithful, or divorce if you have just cause TO divorce. If you don't have JUST cause, be a MAN and continue trying to find an answer in fixing your relationship with your wife. Counceling may be a good start. You made your bed......
JamesM Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I agree with Moose. And knowing what Moose and I have "endured" in our marriages for a lot longer than I am sure you have, I think we have the credibility to give you some options that will work and options that won't work. Since you came here and posted your thoughts, please do not be offended if we do not agree with what you want to do. Ultimately, you will be the one who decides what to do. And ultimately, you will pay the price...good or bad. You are now an adult. Decisions have consequences. And those consequences will affect you. As the saying goes, you play with fire, you get burned by the fire. Pet a snake and be prepared for a bite. I know that you say you have tried to make your marriage work, and I respect that. How long have you tried? How long have you been married? And why do you think it will never improve? What is preventing you from having a loving relationship with your wife? As a guy who has had many ups and downs in my seventeen year marriage, I can say that when things look the bleakest, happiness and hope are just around the corner. And as a guy who has many many times found women who seem better than my wife....initially, I can say that in reality, the only reason they appear better is because I am dissatisfied with my wife. When I become renewed in my love for my wife, then suddenly I see the woman as not nearly as special as my wife. Then I see that her beautiful eyes and gorgeous figure are just a cover for a personality that is not near as attractive and compatible with me as the woman whom I married. So, my suggestion would be NOT to pursue any relationship with this woman. I really do know how you feel inside. really I do. And I know from what I have read of Moose...he does, too. We do not say these things to prevent you from happiness. No, we say these things to prevent you from falling into a lot of heartbreak and regret. Read the Other Woman/Other Man Board or the Infidelity Board. You will see that many have pursued that person who seemed so much better than their spouse. For most if not all, the results brought mostly grief. I know that you have probably made up your mind, but I beseech you to rethink your decision. You made a commitment to your wife. Either break that commitment honorably through divorce or honor that commitment through actively pursuing her.
Author loveknot Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Thanks alot for your wonderful advices and I totally agree with both of you. Iam selfish and should not be thinking like I said. I will, however, try to work out my relationship with my wife. It is true that we all find deeply into such situations but a careful thinking is always the best option. Thanks again for your input.
Moose Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Thanks alot for your wonderful advices and I totally agree with both of you. Iam selfish and should not be thinking like I said. I will, however, try to work out my relationship with my wife. It is true that we all find deeply into such situations but a careful thinking is always the best option. Thanks again for your input.That's what we're here for. Please don't hesitate to use this forum in your quest for a happier relationship.....there are a lot of wise men and women here who can help you. Take care, and good luck!
JamesM Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Thanks alot for your wonderful advices and I totally agree with both of you. I am selfish and should not be thinking like I said. I will, however, try to work out my relationship with my wife. It is true that we all find deeply into such situations but a careful thinking is always the best option. Thanks again for your input. You are welcome. I would like to say that although you are selfish, you are human. None of us are any better than you. But experience is a great and many times difficult teacher. Personally, my hope is that all of my "screwups" can somehow keep others from failing as I have. Very few who have walked in your shoes would fault you for what you want, but it is those who have the strength that think beyond today's pleasure. My question is always to myself...will the pain of tomorrow be worth the pleasure of today?
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Another thing to think about, reverse the situation. Imagine how you would feel if you found out your wife was flirting with another man, feeling the way you do about this other woman. I'm sure it would kill your heart... I know that I shouldn't be talking to a taken woman but at least I'd like to clear my throat and see how it goes. Don't clear that throat! Thowing away your marriage isn't worth it. Focus that energy into your wife.
Author loveknot Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Here is issue that is completely ruining my life. I don't work at all because of my profession is very rare. I tried to find something similar to it, they are all far away. My wife is the breadwiner in the family and I ( as hubsand) contributing nothing to the family has made me irresponsible, I feel useless and lazy - In addition to this, we have this marriage that is not working at all- both of us have different values, different ideas that are not compatable at all. I need help.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Here is issue that is completely ruining my life. I don't work at all because of my profession is very rare. I tried to find something similar to it, they are all far away. My wife is the breadwiner in the family and I ( as hubsand) contributing nothing to the family has made me irresponsible, I feel useless and lazy - In addition to this, we have this marriage that is not working at all- both of us have different values, different ideas that are not compatable at all. I need help. Then find yourself someone to talk to, a therapist. Does your wife resent you because you aren't the breadwinner? If no, then it's your issue to deal with. For now... Also, you two need to decide if the marriage is fixable. Does she know how unhappy you are, or are you holding this in and she is clueless? You are not useless and lazy. If you can't find a job in your field right now because it's rare to find, talk about moving somewhere where you CAN find that job. Maybe a move would be good for you both. Or, find an inbetween job so you can work and help financially... How long have you been married, and how long have you been feeling like you and your wife are growing apart?
Author loveknot Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Thanks for the quick comment : - My wife is aware of this situation and we often talk about it but its my instinct that is telling me to do something. We had several sessions with a therapist but neither of them worked . We always argue on the slightest ideas which lead to abig argument. She yells at me all the time which I also mentioned in the therapy session but to no avail. As far as the finding job is concerned, she is totally happy wth it.We have been married for 4 years now with a 3 years old son.
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Jeez, give the guy a break. There is nothing wrong with what you feel. Forget therapy, never helps, therapy is designed by women and eunuchs. I bet you have to sit and listen to your wife calling your names, while the therapists ask you to suck it up and relate to what she says. You are probably saying 'sorry' a lot. Talk to this girl, explore your feelings for her and decide. Being in a relationship where the woman is the breadwinner is a bad idea, it erodes your male self-esteem. Try to figure out a way to make a living by your own means and get a divorce. This girl could help you break away from your wife, maybe your subconscious is sending you messages. An affair with a married woman is relatively risk-free, she has something to lose, and you have everything to win. Now, grab your balls and don't take shyte no more.
portableversion Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Ah, so men have fragile egos??? So easliy crushed ?? And 'men' are the ones with the 'balls?' I think not. Actually he has a LOT TO LOSE by having an affair-like food and rent.
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Actually he has a LOT TO LOSE by having an affair-like food and rent. I guess that says it all.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 .... I feel useless and lazy - In addition to this, we have this marriage that is not working at all- both of us have different values, different ideas that are not compatable at all. I need help. Possibly if you weren't already feeling bad about yourself... you might find that there's less wrong with the marriage than you previously thought. The LAST thing you should do if you truly want to keep your family intact... is to try to solve your problems outside the marriage. Expending your energy on an outside romantic interest only WASTES that energy. It's not directed at the goal. Because you're feeling bad about yourself, your sense of individuality is weak. Look at it this way, it's kind of like there are THREE entities within the marriage... the two individuals and the 'couple entity'. To have a healthy couple, you need two healthy individuals. So... doesn't it make sense to expend some of your energy on becoming a person you RESPECT and ADMIRE? I kind of doubt that cheating on your wife is going to improve your self-esteem. Rather, making positive changes in your life so you're PROUD of the man you see in the mirror, would be something that BUILDS self-esteem. I think your best bet will be to address the things you don't like about yourself. That way, you can bring a stronger, healthier "individual" to the couple entity. And don't forget to expend some of your positive energy to the partnership itself. It's as simple as prioritizing each other's needs on the same level as your own, as well as interacting in a considerate way.
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