Ripples Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I've just had a thought; when I discovered my ex partner's affairs, I was bitterly angry with the OW, but quite quickly began to feel sympathy with their plight and almost justified their actions to myself. Bear in mind that my partner and I decided to work on our relationship and not finish it. We worked on it for about ten months or so before I decided that I really didn't want to be with a man who had cheated on me. Since ending the relationship, I've become far less sympathetic to the OW in particular and OW in general. I was wondering if my initial compassion for the OW was born out of Stockholm syndrome. I almost wanted OW to like me and to appreciate my hurt. I wanted them to feel that we were on the 'same side'. Now I just feel ruthless. Has anyone else had similar feelings?
alphamale Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Has anyone else had similar feelings? no, not really....as i say, women are their own worst enemies.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I dunno, hunny. I have noticed quite a few betrayed wives come through here though, spending an inordinate amount of time bonding with the OWs. Maybe part of it is that a betrayal like that leaves a woman feeling REALLY misunderstood. I think it's only natural for people to compare themselves with others in an effort to reassure themselves that they're 'normal'. I think we probably all do it daily at least to a small degree. We all want acceptance and we all want to 'fit in', even if it's only in one small societal niche. Perhaps if a betrayed wife can get the OW, of all people, to notice that she's not some horrible harridan that deserved to be cheated on and lied to.. then she can let some of that self-doubt go. (????) Maybe another part of it too is that the MM-cheater is a flawed character. When the betrayed wife surrounds herself with people who accept and sympathize with that, it probably helps her lower her expectations of what the appropriate monogamous behavior ought to be. IOW, here's this MM with this big defect and THEY love the stuffing out of him anyway, so why shouldn't you? Tough question today, babe. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that one too.
Author Ripples Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 I dunno, hunny. I have noticed quite a few betrayed wives come through here though, spending an inordinate amount of time bonding with the OWs.Yes, I've noticed that too. I said to one of the betrayed wives on the OW forum once that I felt she would be better to not spend time there. I think she's past the 'bonding' stage now though Maybe part of it is that a betrayal like that leaves a woman feeling REALLY misunderstood. I think it's only natural for people to compare themselves with others in an effort to reassure themselves that they're 'normal'. I think we probably all do it daily at least to a small degree. We all want acceptance and we all want to 'fit in', even if it's only in one small societal niche. Perhaps if a betrayed wife can get the OW, of all people, to notice that she's not some horrible harridan that deserved to be cheated on and lied to.. then she can let some of that self-doubt go. (????) Maybe another part of it too is that the MM-cheater is a flawed character. When the betrayed wife surrounds herself with people who accept and sympathize with that, it probably helps her lower her expectations of what the appropriate monogamous behavior ought to be. IOW, here's this MM with this big defect and THEY love the stuffing out of him anyway, so why shouldn't you?You're very intelligent, LJ. I recognise myself in a lot of what you've said. There are probably too many variables at play in the scenario of an affair to pinpoint a 'syndrome', but the activity on the OW board by some betrayed spouses and recognising my own behaviours makes me wonder... Tough question today, babe. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that one too.I guess like anything there are no black and whites. I thought I'd throw it out there as it seemed so much like Stockholm syndrome, but in this case, the wife (and her part in her marriage) being held hostage. And the abuser, an OW.
lover's rock Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 LJ, that is an interesting point about "here is a MM with a big defect and they love the stuffing out of him anyway, why shouldn't you". I've always thought that there are several reasons for that: 1) the wife knows who she is dealing with. 2) the fantasy of fleeting moments. 3) it's somebody different, and 4) marriage in general. But back to Ripples question, I think what you went through were phases of betrayal. I went through the same thing. I wanted to talk with the OW, identify with her, bond in sisterhood (or whatever lol). Then I was angry, infuriated and all I wanted was blood. Now I am still angry but I pity her now. She very well might be receiving my husband fulltime soon enough depending on how he responds to the decision I've placed before him. And I know that the kind of relationship I will be free to receive: one with honesty, love, respect, and friendship...she will never have with him based on the deceit their relationship was built on. She will be receiving a MM with a big defect and all they will have is...love. And we all know that love is not enough to hold a relationship together. I wish them well....well, not really. But I hope he finds happiness and peace of mind at some point. That I can honestly say.
outofdarkness Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I've just had a thought; when I discovered my ex partner's affairs, I was bitterly angry with the OW, but quite quickly began to feel sympathy with their plight and almost justified their actions to myself. Bear in mind that my partner and I decided to work on our relationship and not finish it. We worked on it for about ten months or so before I decided that I really didn't want to be with a man who had cheated on me. Since ending the relationship, I've become far less sympathetic to the OW in particular and OW in general. I was wondering if my initial compassion for the OW was born out of Stockholm syndrome. I almost wanted OW to like me and to appreciate my hurt. I wanted them to feel that we were on the 'same side'. Now I just feel ruthless. Has anyone else had similar feelings? No, you're not alone. As most of you know, my H was a serial C...But the main 10 year OW is the only one that I talked to....I definitely did find myself trying very hard to get on her good side and did identify with her in the sense that I knew that she was also feeling betrayed, used and mocked...She too, thought she was the only one, but as I, came to find out there were others. Someone on LS referred to their A as a "shadow marriage"...This made alot of sense to me...So, she felt like she was actually part of our family. Sick as it sounds, I really did feel bad for her and she seemed to be alot like me in many ways. I felt embarrassed and sort of wacko for having these feelings. Just wanted you to know you were not alone in feeling that way...
Author Ripples Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 And how do you feel now OOD? Do you still have sympathy for her? Do you have sympathy for any other OW?
norajane Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Has anyone else had similar feelings? If the OW doesn't know he's already involved with someone else, I can see feeling like you. Because she was also his victim in that case. Otherwise, I'm not sure. At the same time, when betrayed by a man I've truly loved, I have felt a perverse need for him to somehow comfort me, and nothing else would do. Even though he committed the betrayal, somehow he's the only one that can make it better for me. I seek comfort in him, I want him to put his arms around me and make it better. How's that for wierd?
Trialbyfire Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I went through a period of hating OW because I didn't have the complete story at the time. Upon discovering that my ex was a serial cheater, lying and pursuing as he went, it made me realize that although I will never agree and understand the mentality of an OW, it doesn't mean that I can't be compassionate about some of their situations. The ones I can sympathize with are the ones that have left their affairs and are now experiencing the pain of losing someone they still love or loved. More of a person to person sympathy, than role to role.
Author Ripples Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Oh, not weird at all, NoraJane. I've been there. Unless that makes me weird too?! I guess I was referring even to those OW who know what they're getting into. I had this feeling of wanting the OW involved in my relationship to understand what I was going through and I wanted to achieve that by sympathising with their situation. I hasten to add, I didn't actually sympathise with them, I just had the urge. I guess I satisfied it somewhat by coming here and reading the OW board. Noticing that there were/are a few BSes who seem to be seeking a bonding with the OW, I wondered if their feelings were similar and that led me think about Stockholm syndrome. It seems, quite frankly, pretty sick. I guess, as I keep telling myself, everyone is individual and there are a myriad of reasons for doing anything.
outofdarkness Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 And how do you feel now OOD? Do you still have sympathy for her? Do you have sympathy for any other OW? Yes, absolutely..but I don't know if I would say sympathy so much as EMPATHY...There is a difference. I wouldn't want anyone to feel sorry or pity ME...that makes me seem needy, so I assume OW's are the same way... How do I feel in general about my H's OW's and OW's in general? Like they are people just like myself, and they have thoughts and feelings and lives like we do...This forum has done so much for me in that department!!
Author Ripples Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 I can't say I'm delighted to hear that OOD. I'm afraid my feelings don't run to sympathy or empathy with the OW that know the MM is just that.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Mines a little bit in reverse of your OP Ripples When I was OW, I hated my exMMs poor W. Prob bc I was insanely jealous and felt threatened. Just before we split up her and I had a few civil intelligent conversations. She did slag him off, but I had already started to see the light for myself by then, and I really warmed to her. I thought that in another life we could maybe have been friends. She said she respected me for loving their son, and I told her I respected her for being cool about me spending time with their son. Now I feel sad and a bit guilty that I was involved in her getting so hurt, even tho I know she has moved on now. I have no ill feelings towards her at all, and often wonder how she and her son are doing, and hope they are OK. I got really attached to their son who is now 18mths, and I miss him sometimes. Not appropriate to make contact with her now tho. however, like you ripples, my tolerance towards OW on here has really diminished. You hear the same old stories..... I gues my hindsight is so clear now.. always the way.
outofdarkness Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I can't say I'm delighted to hear that OOD. I'm afraid my feelings don't run to sympathy or empathy with the OW that know the MM is just that. That's ok...I don't expect everyone or anyone for that matter to feel just as I do...Every situation is unique. For me, part of moving on w/ my life was finding a way to see the OW's as real people...hope that makes sense...Thanks for your honest reply.. PS..If I were to stay angry and only see the OW as evil bad people, I would have stayed emotionally and physically ill...
silktricks Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 In the beginning I felt that if OW in general could see the amount of pain they were causing that maybe it would make at least someone stop and think. When I saw that other people's pain had no impact whatsoever upon most of them, I simply lumped them all together with the same degree of antipathy I felt toward "my" OW. From that I moved to a feeling of empathy for those who unknowingly became entangled with a MM. (though I admit, I always do think "I got out when I was in that circumstance - why can't they?") From there I moved to a feeling of sympathy simply for people who were in pain. Then I returned to feeling outraged that anyone could wreck havoc upon another person's life and claim no responsibility (it's always the MM's fault, don't you know). But I don't think anything is ever simple, and I do have a great deal of sympathy for people in pain.
NoIDidn't Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Ripples Having no idea what this syndrone is and being too lazy to look it up right now, I can't say I had or have it. I didn't hate the OW in my case. The infidelity was completely on my H. I didn't care if she liked me or not. I know for a fact that if we had met under different circumstances, I still wouldn't like her. I don't hang out with flighty women who let life happen to them. Drama queens are not my thing. I understand why you say you feel ruthless towards the OW now, though. You can only answer "what does it mean" in so many ways before you pick up the 2 by 4.
Author Ripples Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 PS..If I were to stay angry and only see the OW as evil bad people, I would have stayed emotionally and physically ill... Your PS is absolutely spot on. And I don't think I ever felt that way. I tend more towards pity and feeling superior, to be honest. But I don't think anything is ever simple, and I do have a great deal of sympathy for people in pain. Well, you're certainly right about nothing is ever simple! I have no sympathy for any adult in pain through their own actions though. Thanks for sharing your story silk, its so good to hear of people who've felt similar ways to myself. Ripples Having no idea what this syndrone is and being too lazy to look it up right now, I can't say I had or have it. I didn't hate the OW in my case. The infidelity was completely on my H. I didn't care if she liked me or not. I know for a fact that if we had met under different circumstances, I still wouldn't like her. I don't hang out with flighty women who let life happen to them. Drama queens are not my thing. I understand why you say you feel ruthless towards the OW now, though. You can only answer "what does it mean" in so many ways before you pick up the 2 by 4. NID - I think Stockholm maybe a little over the top, here's a link:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage can show signs of having feelings of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed.I like the fact you are sure you wouldn't have been friends with her and the reasons why, that's so good. I also really like that you put the onus of responsibility on your H. I have struggled with that; even knowing that's the truth hasn't made it easier. And your last sentence - great!
Recommended Posts