Abbo Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Background story can be found here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111611/ Okay, below is a the last conversation we had about 5 weeks ago, this is the day after I saw her in a bar (we didn't speak, just noticed each other), and after 10 weeks of NC. I WAS the weakass dumpee! she is the dumper. me : Listen, I didn't enjoy the awkwardness of last night. I'd like to chat/clear the air if you're interested? Up to you. Her : I didn't really think it was awkward. I was suprised how well it went considering. It will get easier but it was the first time we'd been out. me : Considering what? How did you think it would go? Her : I don't honestly know. You said you didn't want to see me again so I didn't know what to expect. me : Thats kind of what I wanted to clear the air about but never mind. Her : Ok thats fine, I didn't mean to sound rude i was just bein honest. I didn't know what to expect but I thought it went well and next time maybe it will be less awkward. Me : I don't know if I meant that anymore. It's nobody's fault you felt the way you did. It's just the way you handled it again and the fact you left me with no reasons or answers. All I know is that I genuinely wanted to say hello and see how you were. I even suprised myself! But I had no idea if you hated me for saying I never wanted to see you again. Thats what I meant by clearing the air. Her : I don't hate you at all, far from it. I just didn't know if you wanted to talk to me so I didn't try. Me : I can't promise i'll be light and fluffy towards you, but i want you to know i don't blame you for wanting to be happy, and I hope someone else can do that for you. After knowing you for 6 odd years it would just be nice to know it wasn't a total waste and we can at least be civil. Her : I totally agree with that. It would be a waste and i'm glad you feel the same. Me : Anyway, I'm done talking about all that, lets just try and be friends. Her : Ok sounds like a good plan. She went on to tell me she had a very important Job interview that week and I asked her to let me know how she went. That was it. back to NC until 1 month later. she sent the following one evening.... "hey just thought i'd let you know I got onto the graduate scheme. It starts the end of april. Don't know if lucy did yet (I had totally forgotten she even mentioned her friend lucy was going for it too) the woman told me to keep quiet so don't want to ask yet." I waited until the following afternoon and simply replied "Well done kiddo you must be very excited!" To which she replied in less than a minute "yer I am, it should be great" Now my question is, why did she bother. Its clear to me from the short response that she didn't really care whether or not I responded after that. So I didn't. But to remember after a month, and for me to be one of the first people she tells. Then to just blow me off with the quick short meaningless response. I don't understand. I turned into a complete doormat at the end of our relationship for a while, so maybe she expected me to probe more, or make some more conversation. Or maybe she just doesn't care at all. I actually just read her reply and thought to myself "f*!k you then" and put my phone down. Thoughts? I'm at the point where I would like to be friends, but i'm not going to make the effort here. I've done my bit, and made my peace with her. Is she just making it obvious that she doesn't care either way or am I just reading too much into all of this. By the way, I just noticed this is in the second chance forum. I'm not sure if that is my goal! just to re-establish communication would be nice! Thanks for reading! -Abbo-
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I am afraid you are reading way too much into it. You sound like a nice guy and she sounds like a nice girl. You had a relationship that didn't work out. You both worried whether it would be awkward when you ran into each other in social settings.You ran into each other. You cleared the air. You don't hate each other. You each decided you can be civil with each other. Good! You asked her to let you know what happened with her interview. To be civil and courteous to you, she did. Nothing more, nothing less. You were expecting more and therefore got a little miffed. I think the only thing you can expect from this girl is: 1. She has moved on 2. She wants you to move on 3. She wants to be civil to you in public 4. She wants you to be civil back - no pressure, no drama, no more questions or dredging up the past, no expectations of any future involvement Stay strong and give her space. Just be civil. If you turn into the weak ex-boyfriend again and try to push your way back into her life right now, she will get irritated and push back. She won't want to be civil with you any longer. She will want to avoid you. Don't confuse civility with romantic interest.
Author Abbo Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Thanks, I know i'm way over analysing it, I just thought we'd have a shot at being friends after all this time. I guess I did want a little more from our last contact, but I guess she didn't. I just thought that after agreeing to try and be friends she'd be a little more friendly. That was it. Our only reason to contact each other, we don't see each other hardly ever, and I have no reason to contact her anymore. She knows this, and clearly doesn't care about being friendly, or care about how I am doing in life etc. Oh well. Her loss, she knows where I am if she wants to contact me. It just confuses me why she agreed to try and be friends and then not. Never mind! Any other input?
alasia Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Just want to say...reading your posts Abbo you sound a lot like me. I'm not over my ex yet. We split in January and we've had lots of contact ever since, mostly initiated by me. He said he wants to be friends, but 'friends' to him means if I catch his bus (he's a bus driver), he'll say hi to me and that's about it. He hasn't got my phone number and I don't have his, I have no reason to see him other than when I catch his bus occasionally - but to me, that's not friendship. It's being casual aquaintances. When he said he wanted to remain friends,I expected him to say we'd text once in a while to see how things are going, maybe meet up sometimes to catch up...the things you normally do with friends. I didn't expect us to go from living together and apparently being in love, to ending up with the occasional courtesy 'hello' if we happen to see each other. But hey. He's over me and moving on, your ex has done the same and we both have to live with it and try and get on with our own lives
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 It just confuses me why she agreed to try and be friends and then not. Because YOUR not being friends. You say one thing and then act another. If you REALLY wanted to be her friend, I'm sure that would be a possibility. But I'm not sure how to say it any other way so I'm not trying to be mean but it's like entrapment. You say "Yea, I wanna be friends et." and then as soon as she is friendly towards you it's like the "wanna be boyfriend guy" jumps out from the woods and says "aha! I really do want more and I'm not getting it to which you are the bad girl hurting me!!" and so she retreats away again. You have to stop trying to manipulate the situation by pretending to only want a friendship when you want more. As a girl, this is a big turn off. It's almost better to be honest and just say "look I want you back, I know this can't happen so I'll do my best to be friendly but sometimes I may have a hard time with it for a while..." then at least she'll understand when you act so back and forth.
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