What now?

[Guest]

I'm in a pretty tough situation right now and can't seem to figure out a solution. I met my fiancee in 2004. We hit it off right away - both emotionally and physically. We never fight, and we're always able to make conversation - when we're both interested. We got engaged in 2005 and the wedding is set for this summer. However, our relationship has taken a major downturn. We moved together halfway across the country a few months ago. I'm having some serious gripes, though, which pretty much stem from her laziness. What I'm feeling right now:

 

- When she started birth control, her body weight increased by 30%. She sits around eating carbs all day. She keeps saying that she's going to go to the gym. We have an excercise room here at our apartment and can't manage to get down there, even once, even though she says she's going to go. It's so unattractive, too - both in physical appearance and in that it reminds me of her sloth.

 

- She can't figure out how to not half-ass cleaning up her messes. Her dried-up contacts sit on tables all over the place, her dishes sit out right above the dishwasher, she has taken every square inch of the bathroom counter.

 

- Her conversation has gone from interesting to worthless blah. There's nothing intellectual or slightly stimulating coming out of her mouth. It's all just gossip or whining.

 

- We moved here because of my job. She kept promising and promising to go find a job, but instead sat around the house or buying the other half of Target while I spent my days at work until she finally landed a job.

 

- I passed up a fantastic job overseas (pretty much my dream job) because it was going to be tough for her to find a job over there. Of course, for a long time, she was unemployed here, too. I hoped I would get over feelings of resentment once she started working. Not so.

 

- Our sex life is gone. Nothing, nadda, zilch. Sure, I'm interested in sex - just not with her anymore. I wouldn't dream of ever trying anything with anyone else, though; even thinking about it makes me feel awful and as if I've already done it. We have had periods of no sex for over six weeks. Multiple times it's been over four weeks.

 

- Since moving here, I've gotten really involved around town; I rarely come home until 10pm on weeknights because of commitments I've taken on to pass the time. It's just not even fun to be at home with her anymore. She just sits on her ass and watches the same damn TV shows.

 

We just seem to have diverged as far as our wavelengths are concerned. I'm obsessed with learning. I prefer thought-provoking, logic-based, intelligent conversation. I love trying new things; life is what you make of it. I have far-reaching and lofty goals. She has no goals, her social identity is gone, and now I'm stuck. She used to aspire to great things in her field. Now I'm not convinced she even cares to do anything.

 

Sure, I talk about my issues with her. I always get the "I know I'm being a piece of crap. I PROMISE I'm going to change" but it all remains the same. Same ****, different day. We never yell about issues, it's always calm conversation, which was one of the things which initially drew me to her.

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm not the kind of person who thinks his **** doesn't stink. I know I could be better to her because I don't listen very often. But I've just become accustomed to her never offering up any conversation of value.

 

It just sucks; I'm young and want to go out and conquer the world, make my mark, and it seems like I'm having to do it with a ball and chain tied to my ankle depriving me of excitement. I feel no romantic connection to her at all anymore. I would like to do anything I can to try to fix this; I can't imagine giving up. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't particularly like the idea of calling off a wedding for which she's spent so much time (and our families' financial resources) planning.

[Mr. Lucky]

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't particularly like the idea of calling off a wedding for which she's spent so much time (and our families' financial resources) planning.

Much like with pregnancy, you can't be "a little bit" married - you're either all in or out. You are getting a preview of married life with her - is it what you want? If not, do both of you a favor and don't waste anymore time. She needs to find someone whose interests, goals and lifestyle are more in sync with her own, and you need to find a way not to be angry, resentful and miserable. Out the door you go, don't look back.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I've heard some bad reasons to get married, but "we've already spent alot of time and money on the ceremony and reception" may be the worst. What are you going to do for the 50 years after that?

[tikigods]

Marriage won't solve anything, in fact most of the time it makes things worse. You need to at least postpone it right now till you guys get on the same ground cause right now you are just going to continue to build up resentment and it will eventually come out in one form or another.

[Island Girl]

First of all she is totally depressed.

 

She doesn't have friends or family near her after she moved away from them for something YOU wanted.

 

And boy it sure helps that you leave her alone every night until 10pm or so.

 

It is also a great boost that you talk about "problems you have with her" instead of what you are facing together.

 

She spends so much of her time alone - "entertaining" herself with mindless TV shows and you are sure helping the situation by showing her that you don't want to be around her. Of course she is going to have lots of interesting things to talk to you about.

 

You said yourself you don't listen to her. I'm sure that just adds to the great self image that she already has going lately.

 

You're such a winner that instead of offering to take a walk with her - you suggest she goes to the gym at the complex to spend yet more time alone.

 

Great guy.

 

AND THEN THE ULTIMATE BONUS! That you have already cheated on her.

 

GAWD she IS a lucky one. You're such a catch!

 

Step outside of yourself and realize the street goes both ways. She deserves someone who is supportive - not so SHALLOW - and certainly not someone who is such a self centered narcissist.

 

Hey EGO - you've been screwing up left and right so there are problems on both sides.

 

You'd be surprised how much change would come about if you worried about doing the best that YOU can do - it is a Yin/Yang. If you change how you interact with her and make an effort, she will too.

[Mr. Lucky]

AND THEN THE ULTIMATE BONUS! That you have already cheated on her.

How did you make that determination?

 

Mr. Lucky

[justpassingthrough]

Yeah. What Island Girl said, sans the "cheated on her" part.

 

The overwhelming theme I'm reading here is selfishness on your part, OP. And, in some twisted way, you're impating your own selfish behavior on her and calling the end result lazy.

 

That's sad. I feel sorry for her.

[catrocks]

First of all she is totally depressed.

 

She doesn't have friends or family near her after she moved away from them for something YOU wanted.

 

And boy it sure helps that you leave her alone every night until 10pm or so.

 

It is also a great boost that you talk about "problems you have with her" instead of what you are facing together.

 

She spends so much of her time alone - "entertaining" herself with mindless TV shows and you are sure helping the situation by showing her that you don't want to be around her. Of course she is going to have lots of interesting things to talk to you about.

 

You said yourself you don't listen to her. I'm sure that just adds to the great self image that she already has going lately.

 

You're such a winner that instead of offering to take a walk with her - you suggest she goes to the gym at the complex to spend yet more time alone.

 

Great guy.

 

AND THEN THE ULTIMATE BONUS! That you have already cheated on her.

 

GAWD she IS a lucky one. You're such a catch!

 

Step outside of yourself and realize the street goes both ways. She deserves someone who is supportive - not so SHALLOW - and certainly not someone who is such a self centered narcissist.

 

Hey EGO - you've been screwing up left and right so there are problems on both sides.

 

You'd be surprised how much change would come about if you worried about doing the best that YOU can do - it is a Yin/Yang. If you change how you interact with her and make an effort, she will too.

 

I totally agree with Island Girl - your fiancée is obviously depressed and you are not doing anything to help that, which is why she is putting on weight and doesn't have the motivation to look for a job. She has moved across the country so that you can have your happy job, but what about her? I am moving countries to be with my man and I am terrified of ending up just like your fiancée - the only difference is that I know my fiancé would work with me if I was feeling like this, and I would tell him he was being an ass etc.

Why don't you try spending more time together - work out together, go for meals, go to movies, what normal couples do. She needs a major confidence boost and if you are not willing to work with her on this then you need to just stop jerking her around and end it. Nicely. As in, don't just ignore her until she goes away. She deserves so much more than that.

[Guest]

First of all she is totally depressed.

 

She doesn't have friends or family near her after she moved away from them for something YOU wanted.

 

And boy it sure helps that you leave her alone every night until 10pm or so.

 

It is also a great boost that you talk about "problems you have with her" instead of what you are facing together.

 

She spends so much of her time alone - "entertaining" herself with mindless TV shows and you are sure helping the situation by showing her that you don't want to be around her. Of course she is going to have lots of interesting things to talk to you about.

 

You said yourself you don't listen to her. I'm sure that just adds to the great self image that she already has going lately.

 

You're such a winner that instead of offering to take a walk with her - you suggest she goes to the gym at the complex to spend yet more time alone.

 

Great guy.

 

AND THEN THE ULTIMATE BONUS! That you have already cheated on her.

 

GAWD she IS a lucky one. You're such a catch!

 

Step outside of yourself and realize the street goes both ways. She deserves someone who is supportive - not so SHALLOW - and certainly not someone who is such a self centered narcissist.

 

Hey EGO - you've been screwing up left and right so there are problems on both sides.

 

You'd be surprised how much change would come about if you worried about doing the best that YOU can do - it is a Yin/Yang. If you change how you interact with her and make an effort, she will too.

 

 

I don't know how you assume that I've cheated on her... It's never happened. At all. Not even close.

 

I guess what I didn't make clear is that she's been like this since before we moved. Back when we DID spend a ton of time together.

 

I am also to assume that you don't want me to talk about my problems with her, and instead keep things bottled up?

 

Also, it was a mutual decision to come to this new location - we could have been much closer to her family, but I left that choice up to her. I had job offers in seven cities - she wanted to go to one of the furthest away from home.

 

It's pretty upsetting to see that you are jumping to many radical conclusions rather than helping me to solve my problem. It's obvious you (and catrocks) are not reading the whole post, because, as I stated, she does have a job now, working 40 hours a week.

 

I DO make time to be with her, and only her, on the weekends - for the entire weekend. I don't go out an get wasted with my friends, or go do other things without her. I take her out with me to hang out with my friends, and I DD for her more often than not, since you're going to jump to the conclusion that I just drag her places so she can drive me home. Unfortunately, I'm having a lot of trouble getting anywhere. I just want an idea of how to approach the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Get to couples therapy and fix this, give it your best. If you can't and things don't get better with help, then end it. Even if others like her family and your family are upset with you. Last thing you want to do is marry someone out of obligation and for your family's sake. That is no way to live! Live to make you and your fiance happy, not her or your folks.

[Guest]

I don't know how you assume that I've cheated on her... It's never happened. At all. Not even close.

 

I guess what I didn't make clear is that she's been like this since before we moved. Back when we DID spend a ton of time together.

 

I am also to assume that you don't want me to talk about my problems with her, and instead keep things bottled up?

 

Also, it was a mutual decision to come to this new location - we could have been much closer to her family, but I left that choice up to her. I had job offers in seven cities - she wanted to go to one of the furthest away from home.

 

It's pretty upsetting to see that you are jumping to many radical conclusions rather than helping me to solve my problem. It's obvious you (and catrocks) are not reading the whole post, because, as I stated, she does have a job now, working 40 hours a week.

 

I DO make time to be with her, and only her, on the weekends - for the entire weekend. I don't go out an get wasted with my friends, or go do other things without her. I take her out with me to hang out with my friends, and I DD for her more often than not, since you're going to jump to the conclusion that I just drag her places so she can drive me home. Unfortunately, I'm having a lot of trouble getting anywhere. I just want an idea of how to approach the situation.

I just re-read your first post and realised that you did say something like "i thought this would change when she got a job but not so", so I apologise for assuming that. You seemed to have an issue with the fact that she was sitting around and not trying to get a job though, which is where I got that from.

 

From your original post you said a lot of things like you weren't interested in sex with her any longer, that you don't want a ball and chain around your ankle as you make your way in the world, you seem resentful because you feel that you're young and should be able to enjoy your success and life without someone holding you back. If you feel like that now imagine what it would be like after you guys got married. You say you've spoken to her and she avoids the issue or whatever, so you should sit down with her and tell her that things need to change or no wedding.

I still stick to some of the things I orignally said (and again, I apologise for missing 1 line), but if it's been like this since before you moved then are things really going to change? It's not fair to either of you if you stay with her even though you don't really seem to want to be with her anymore.

Sorry if I assumed anything that time, it's difficult to give advice when you don't know all the details. I hope you figure it out.

[new_stella]

BTW - I've heard some bad reasons to get married, but "we've already spent alot of time and money on the ceremony and reception" may be the worst.

I couldn't agree more!

 

There is no absolute and universal good or bad. You look at it like: you are a good guy and she is bad and needs to change. Most of the times it doesn’t work that way. You both need to find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

 

You feel sooo superior to her. And that’s probably the essence of what you’re feeling for her. You don’t love her. In fact, you’re so annoyed, and you can’t stand her.

 

You gave us all the reasons NOT to be with her. The single reason you want to stay with her is because ‘YOU can’t imagine giving up’.

Don’t you think it’s better to give up now, instead of building up all that resentment against her?

 

Do both of you a favour and don't waste anymore time.

 

No one wants to be miserable. Including her.

[catrocks]

I just re-read your first post and realised that you did say something like "i thought this would change when she got a job but not so", so I apologise for assuming that. You seemed to have an issue with the fact that she was sitting around and not trying to get a job though, which is where I got that from.

 

From your original post you said a lot of things like you weren't interested in sex with her any longer, that you don't want a ball and chain around your ankle as you make your way in the world, you seem resentful because you feel that you're young and should be able to enjoy your success and life without someone holding you back. If you feel like that now imagine what it would be like after you guys got married. You say you've spoken to her and she avoids the issue or whatever, so you should sit down with her and tell her that things need to change or no wedding.

I still stick to some of the things I orignally said (and again, I apologise for missing 1 line), but if it's been like this since before you moved then are things really going to change? It's not fair to either of you if you stay with her even though you don't really seem to want to be with her anymore.

Sorry if I assumed anything that time, it's difficult to give advice when you don't know all the details. I hope you figure it out.

 

Hey sorry I forgot to log in when I posted that. Good luck anyway!

[tommyr]

Since clearly you are not in love with this woman, you must immediately tell her the wedding is off. If you choose to stick around and work on the relationship, maybe down the road marriage will become possible.

 

Hearing only your side of things, it does seem your lady has changed alot in just 2 years time. I can see the loss of attraction for an unmotivated person who packs on 30% body weight. Previous posts above have called you names (selfish, ego, shallow) for noticing these changes, suggesting that YOU are not meeting your obligation to help/support her. Maybe you COULD be more supportive (we all could I guess).

 

But to me, each of us is ultimately responsible for certain things in our own lives. Finding a job. Maintaining our weight. Sure the OP can be supportive in these areas but at the end of the day these issues come down to HER, it reflects who she is, and it affects how a potential marriage partner would view her as a lifelong mate.