Guest Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I was cohabiting with my boyfriend now for about 9 months. He lives in a very secluded urban area and I moved from a very fast paced area with good public transportation and such so I was prepared to live in this area. Well when I moved in, I got my own job and have been focusing on my studies. He has been taking very very good care of me. He cooked me dinners, we went out and did many things together. The only problem is that I moved without a car and felt I did not need one since he had one. He always drives me to and from work and where I need to go. Just recently he told me he wants me to leave. Said I love you but Im not in love with you I asked him why and he said Im not independant enough.. that he felt more like a father to me than a boyfriend.. that I became a burden on his life. I said well it wasnt entirely my fault, I moved here to be with him in an area where I didnt know it was hard to get around in without a vehicle. Either way he told me I didnt have to leave right away and that I could stay with him awhile longer until I become stabalized. So what do you think? Is this a justified exuse to break up with somebody? just because she doesnt live sex in the city style, doesnt have a car, a backbone or bitchy attitude? I dont want to change for anybody. I feel like if I changed for him, it wouldnt do any good for our relationship,, even I'm doing it for myself and my stability. I know he really cares about me. But Im at the point where this has already happened to me once, and Ive asked my ex's and they all said the same thing, that I am not independant enough. But what exactly is independance? I have my own job, I pay for my own things including food, I pay for my studies, my bills... just because i do not own a car or my own place this isnt independance. Im confused...
neowulf Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I suspect he might have started to feel that you were no longer holding up your end of the relationship. What were you doing for your boyfriend? How were you showing concern for his time? His money? His resources? How was being in the relationship with you enriching his life? Could you honestly say you were giving back as much as you were getting? Relationships should be about mutal support and I suspect your boyfriend felt left out in the cold. I'm not having a go at you by the way. I'm suggesting that these are the questions which may have played on your boyfriends mind. Often people's feelings change well before the their mind has a chance to figure how what's going on.
SoleMate Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 So what do you think? Is this a justified exuse to break up with somebody? just because she doesnt live sex in the city style, doesnt have a car, a backbone or bitchy attitude? That's not what he said, according to your own report. Also, please rethink your assumption that he requires a "justified excuse" for breaking up. The essence of living together is that it is an "at-will" relationship. I dont want to change for anybody. That's fine with me. You might consider taking your partner's feelings and desires into account in your next relationship, though. It is not a weakness or a surrender to try to please your partner in reasonable ways. On the contrary...it can be a very strong positive step that gives you a better chance of making a relationship last.
ratingsguy Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 After cohabitating once in the past and having that relationship end in heartbreak, I promised myself that I would never go down that road again. I'm not moving in with someone unless I'm married to them. There have been two studies, one by Yale University and forget who did the other one, that has concluded 80% of couples who live together prior to marriage end up divorcing. Pretty shocking numbers.
MoonGirl Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I agree with ratingsguy here. And if you check out the marriage builders website there is some info there about cohabitating prior to marriage. I think it's almost always a bad idea.
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 He has been taking very very good care of me. He cooked me dinners, we went out and did many things together. The only problem is that I moved without a car and felt I did not need one since he had one. He always drives me to and from work and where I need to go. It sounds like he doesn't want to take care of you. Both of you are responsible for your portion and if you consistently accept the spoiling without taking very, very good care of him back, it's human for resentment to build up to an unreasonable level. That he chose not to communicate this to you previously, is also a major concern. In order for a relationship to work, you have to communicate and empathize effectively. What one person considers trivial, the other might consider a deal-breaker. Is there no way to try to repair this relationship, such as sitting down and having a number of honest discussions?
amerikajin Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 What I want to know is, did he ever address any of his concerns to you in advance of the breakup? If he just dumped you and didn't mention any of this to you before, then it must be something else. My guess is, maybe he felt you were taking advantage of the situation somehow, but I'm not there. There are no rules as far as cohabitation and its effects on marriages go. The Yale study says that 80 percent of cohabitation relationships end up in divorce or breakup, but I think I remember reading not long ago that the divorce rate is around 60 percent anyway. I know my brother and sister-in-law moved in a year before they were married to try things out, and they've been married 22 years. I've known couples who didn't live together and they've gotten divorced. I know in my own experience, though, cohabitation has definite risks. I definitely think you have to be working toward a commitment; you have to know exactly what you want out of a relationship. One danger that cohabitants run into is basing love on certain conditions, and cohabitation is a kind of test to see whether those conditions are met. It's easy to see it as a test, and then break up with someone if they fail to meet your standards. When you decide that you're going to marry the person and then move in, sometimes I find that people in this situation tend to take the attitude that living together isn't a test, but instead the start of a long life together. They're going to have differences, but the attitude is that they can be worked out over time, whatever differences they may have. You have to cohabitate for the right reasons. Don't ever cohabitate just to save money while you're dating - that never, ever works. Be careful about using cohabitation as a "test" and make sure you know why your partner is agreeing to cohabitation, as they may be testing you in return. Know what is expected of you, and make sure you express what you expect of them. But most of all, work toward something permanent. Anything short of that is asking for failure.
Cossette4 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 So if my boyfriend of 5 years (btw, we never lived together) started dating a girl a week after he broke up with me, and a week later, they are moved in together, it's not looking good for them in the long run?
scubafish Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 this is an interesting thread. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time to 'save money', and we broke up 2 years later. we remained friends, and about 1 year later he bought a house, and asked me to move in 'permanently'. we were together 18 more years after that. so maybe cohab for money or as a test is really not strong enough to get you to work through the rough parts.
MoonGirl Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 So if my boyfriend of 5 years (btw, we never lived together) started dating a girl a week after he broke up with me, and a week later, they are moved in together, it's not looking good for them in the long run? Hard to say. According to one study, 80% of couples who cohabitate before marriage will get divorced. The problem is - you never know when. I cohabitated prior to marriage. We were together for 6 years. The reason I disagree with cohabitation now is, if my husband had asked me to marry him rather than to live with him in the beginning, I would have said no. But then you get used to living together even if you wouldn't necessarily have married the person otherwise. Therefore, you marry someone you shouldn't.
lonelybird Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 But what exactly is independance? I guess he mentioned emotional independance? Did you build up healthy boundary between you and your bf? Do you always agree with him? Do you seldom say "no"? Do you rely your happiness solely on him? or Have you other sources make you joyful? Maybe this is a good chance to find out what genuinly make you joyful ? what purpose of life, what is your destiny, because when you walk in your destiny, everything would fall into place, you would be most happy person in the earth.
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