LadyBug86 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Ive been dating my bf for about a year now. He is my first everything. He broke up with his ex-girlfriend about a year ago. Except he didn't break up with her. So here is the story, He dated her his entire senior year of high school. Well after he graduated he followed her to North Carolina. They then lived together and had a joint bank account and everything. Being that he is my first love I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like I'm second rate and like I'm not that important in the grand scheme of things. I realize I'm being insecure, but I cant help it. Ive seen pictures of her and in my honest opinnion, I am alot more attractive than her and from what I know, I've got alot more going for me. But i do give him a hard time about all of it. We just got into a fight because, a few days ago he told me all he sees when i argue with him is his ex's face. Now who says that after a year of dating. I dont know i just need help!!!!!
Spoonandfork22 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 heres what i see being the important issue here: 1. are they still in contact? if not, you win. he is with YOU, not her. they broke up for a reason. 2. dont pay any mind to his comment. im sure that he meant the arguing thing reminded him of his ex. maybe they fought too much and he just didnt like being reminded of being unhappy or arguing. you are NOT second best. he is with you now. i know how it is to be obsessed w. an ex, especially if a man chooses to be friends afterwards. i never really understood it, b.c. i figure whats done is done. but like i said, if they are no longer speaking and its OVER, DONT WORRY.
Walk Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 You said your bf didn't break up with his ex. What did you mean? She dumped him? (not sure what you meant) I just want to point out that you're attempting to tear down his ex-gf's looks in order to build yourself up. You aren't competing against her. If he HADN'T been with her, then he never would've met you. If he hadn't shared a portion of his life with her, then he wouldn't be able to appreciate YOU and all the great things you bring to a relationship. Your bf didn't do anything wrong, and you're making him feel guilty for being human. The more you "argue" about this, the more you make him feel like he did something wrong. And he didn't. This isn't something he can "fix". It's your problem, you have to find a way to be okay with his past. There's nothing your bf can say that will make you feel 'good' about the situation. He's going to get more and more defensive about the issue the more you bring it up. He feels attacked and berrated, and he didn't do anything wrong to start with. The more you bring this up, the further you'll push him away. He'll start to run from your accusations. The problem with the ex is NOT your bf's problem. Its solely yours. Own it and stop making him "pay" for having a heart. Figure out a way to increase your self-esteem. Get some hobbies that make you feel good about yourself. Exercise. Realize that life is short, and if you keep obsessing over this, then he will leave you. Take all that obsessing and start putting that energy into making this a great relationship instead. Or put it into making yourself a better person. If your goal is to drive him away, then you're on the right path. p.s. A better way to deal with your insecurity might be to flat out tell him you're feeling insecure, and ask him to cuddle with you for a while. Or when you start to feel that way, take a walk and think through what's really important in your life. Is it an ex who's no longer in the picture? Or your future with the man you love? Work for what's important.
Author LadyBug86 Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 Well, I made my 1st post and kinds left some pretty big holes in my story. Its a long story so its easy to do. The whole saga covers three states. He moved from two states away to North Carolina and then after she cheated on him (and stayed with her) they both moved back in the other direction three states. One day he came home and she had just packed everything up and moved back to North Carolina. So thats what I mean by "he didnt break up with her". I think my biggest issue with the whole thing is that I am jealous of my boyfriend. I know this sound completely stupid, but I feel like I gave him every thing and theres nothing he can give me that someone else didnt have before. And I dont believe people should live together before marraige so I do believe he did something wrong, yes, i shouldnt hound him all the time about it but sometimes i cant resist.
Walk Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 You're belief that he did something wrong is only your belief. It doesn't seem that he shares that belief. You also said you don't believe he has anything to offer you because it's tainted with "other girl" kooties. So... knowing that there are some really big differences in how the both of you view relationships and life... do you feel that the two of you are compatible enough to have a long term relationship? I might be mistaken, but I'm under the impression that you have some defined views on what is appropriate (and not) regarding sex/living together/relationships. Does he share a majority of your views? Does he share most? Have you really sat down and talked to him (back and forth discussion of ideas) about how each of you view's relationships? If you don't agree with how he's lived his life, then why are you with him? (I'm not saying this negatively, but I think it would help you to ponder this question.) Maybe you've never experienced it, but if you've Ever had the person who supposedly loves you judge you as a bad person for the choices you've made in past... man.. all I can say is it sucks. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he loved that girl.. that he did everything in his power to make the relationship work. That he moved three states away to make her happy and nothing he did was good enough... and now, nothing he can give to you is good enough either. The mere fact that he has a heart and fell in love in his past is enough to tarnish every act and every word he gives to you? He should've been a heartless son of a bytch and never felt love before? He shouldn't have tried to make a go at a relationship by agreeing to move with her? He should've put less effort into trying to make a relationship work? He should've done less, tried less, loved less? What are you looking for in a man? 'Cause frankly, he sounds like a catch to me. A man who busted his ass to make something he valued, and wanted, work no matter what sacrifice or forgiveness he had to give. No matter how torn his heart became, he still gave his all.... And after all that, you nag at him for having the courage and heart to put his all into something he believed in. So now that he gives you even more courage and fight, has built up that trust he'd had shattered in the past, opened his scarred heart up to you... you throw it back in his face and tell him it's just not good enough. And believe me.. it's far harder to put your all into something when you've had the idealism of young love crushed. What he is giving you takes far more work and effort than anything he gave that other girl because now he knows the consequences of loving someone. Now he knows how much it utterly devestates when you have that love crushed by the person you trusted. Having said that... You aren't wrong for how you feel. But without the experience behind you to temper your judgement, you aren't going to be compassionate. Maybe you could try to find solutions instead of taking the easy route and nagging him to change. Either leave, or put some real effort into seeing through his eyes for a change... But he can't change his past. Maybe you feel threatened by the fact that he has a heart and does feel love? Maybe because you don't understand what he could love about you? Maybe this scares the hell out of you because not knowing why he loves you makes you feel like you have no control over your life? That the love could die because you aren't sure why its there... and instead of being brave enough to confront that fear, you disguise it behind what he's done wrong, what he can't give you.. so you can distance yourself so he can't hurt you. Or maybe he's an ass and I haven't gotten the full story...
Author LadyBug86 Posted March 12, 2007 Author Posted March 12, 2007 You've gotten the whole story. Thanks for the help.=)
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