waitingforlove Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hi everyone, I haven't OFFICIALLY broken up with this guy yet, but he has been calling less and less, saying that we "don't need to be in constant contact," blah blah blah ... and after a recent fight (our first real fight actually), I realize that if it's so hard for him to forgive any little mistakes that I make, then I can't be with him. That being said, I have to say that I really do like him and still wish things would be turned around. So starting today, I am trying not to call him. I saw him today but it was at a meeting and we didn't have a chance to say hi. After the meeting, I just quickly left. I don't want that to hurt his feelings, but the fact is that I've always been too nice to him and he was starting to take advantage of me emotionally. So I didn't want to stick around after the meeting in case he thought I was waiting for him. I wanted to "play cool." He didn't call me afterwards either, so I don't know if that means that he doesn't care about me at all anymore and would be happy to let me go and for us to break up. So do you think my situation is already helpless? Or do you think that given time and space, he might get close to me again?
MoonGirl Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hi sweetie, Sounds like your guy needs some space. If I were you, I'd give him PLENTY of it and see how he reacts. Stop calling, texting, emailing, phoning, etc. Don't beg, plead, or guilt-trip. If he wants you around, he'll wonder what you're up to and then give you a call. Be sure to read "Why Men Love B*tches" too. Very insightful!
Guest Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hi everyone, I haven't OFFICIALLY broken up with this guy yet, but he has been calling less and less, saying that we "don't need to be in constant contact," blah blah blah ... and after a recent fight (our first real fight actually), I realize that if it's so hard for him to forgive any little mistakes that I make, then I can't be with him. That being said, I have to say that I really do like him and still wish things would be turned around. So starting today, I am trying not to call him. I saw him today but it was at a meeting and we didn't have a chance to say hi. After the meeting, I just quickly left. I don't want that to hurt his feelings, but the fact is that I've always been too nice to him and he was starting to take advantage of me emotionally. So I didn't want to stick around after the meeting in case he thought I was waiting for him. I wanted to "play cool." He didn't call me afterwards either, so I don't know if that means that he doesn't care about me at all anymore and would be happy to let me go and for us to break up. So do you think my situation is already helpless? Or do you think that given time and space, he might get close to me again? I am in the same boat! Well, I think that men just go threw stages in a new relationship. Your fight might have scared him. Better now then in ten years. Well, if I were you I would say hi when ever you see him and be nice. Keep conversations to the point. Let him contact you but don't sit around waiting for him. If he thinks you will always be there then he will continue to play the games. Go out with friends and try to find other things to do to keep your mind off of him. I know it sucks and it is hard. Hang in there girl.
scubafish Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 moongirl, is that a book or a post here somewhere!
agnf666 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I'm going through the same thing... I mean somedays I talk to him alot other days it's like pulling teeth to talk to him or something. Don't understand it... Hopefully things will get better for you.
Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I look for an equal partnership in my relationships. If my partner is too giving to the point of being a doormat I start to feel guilty. This is because I know that I can be immature, I know I can be thoughtless and I know that I sometimes deliberatly behave badly for whatever reason. If I don't get reigned in occasionally I lose respect for my partner and this can lead to situations ranging from emotional/sexual withdrawl to having an affair to a full on break up. The key to dealing with these sorts of situations is not to accept them. The problem is of course a lot of people don't like where this inevitably leads - to an argument, something doormats prefer to avoid. I've posted elsewhere about arguments and one of the key elements in avoiding an argument is to agree with the person. So for example if I'm being thoughtless, my partner telling me "you're being thoughtless" in an attempt to show the unacceptabilty of my behaviour puts me on the defensive and leads to an argument which my doormat partner will inevitably back down from causing me to lose even more respect for her. If on the other hand she says "I understand that you're pre-occupied and that you don't mean to do it but your behaviour's hurting me" it puts me immediately into nuturing mode, my response generally being "i'm sorry what would you like me to do to sort it out". The ultimate consequence of doormat behaviour whether exhibited by males or females is that the doormat builds up so much unresolved resentment and anger that when they eventually initiate a break, and they will if their partner has not already done so through guilt, it comes as almost as much a suprise to them as it does to their partner. In an attempt to understand why they are breaking up they focus on pretty much all of their partner's bad points which they had tolerated up until the point where the anger and resentment grew to extent of making them too unhappy. I guess this is why counselling works, it helps couples get to the real cause of unhappiness before the dumping theshold is reached. This accumulation of anger and resentment is why I am currently separated from my wife one of the sweetest, most giving people I know but who has difficultly expressing her dissatisfaction with situations and pretty much always backs down from confrontations with those she cares about. She has broken up with me and insists that it is permanent. However with a combination of NC and passive resistance I hope to post in this thread soon:love:.
Island Girl Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Definitely there is doormat or non-doormat behavior. If my partner is being thoughtless, I'd definitely call him on it. He would not be able to flip it around and make it my fault. I'd keep coming back to you are being thoughtless and you're thoughtlessness is not my fault - it's yours! I've seen that book mentioned - Why Men Love B*tches. I haven't read it but I am a b*tch. I mean, I can be very sweet and loving too but every man I have ever known has told me I can be the biggest b*tch they have ever known. To me, well, it means I am not a pushover. I am not a doormat. I honestly feel like I am fantastic and the man I am with is lucky to have me. If he doesn't feel that way or if he thinks pastures are greener elsewhere then he needs to go. Funny how that never happens. Maybe it is because men love b*tches -? I don't know. I only know 99% of the time I have been the dumper not the dumpee. If I wanted them back, I got them back. I know so many of them truly loved me. I didn't become less of a b*tch until I found the one who I love. -- He knows I am a b*tch but he also handles it well and he says it keeps him on his toes. He was the one girls became doormats for - I was the one guys became doormats for. I don't take crap from him but he doesn't take crap either. We have a very healthy mutual respect. I think that is really what it is about. When you are disrespected you don't put up with it. You call the other person on it and set the boundaries. If you don't have boundaries the person will lose respect for you. If it keeps happening the relationship is over. How can a person want to be with someone who thinks so little of themselves that they will allow someone - anyone - to treat them badly?
Author waitingforlove Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Wow, thank you so much, everyone!! I got some more encouragement from you all to stay away from him! You know, yesterday I decided to start staying away, but by this morning, I was so tempted to show up to him and to apologize again! The fight came about because I had a minor car accident last week and he had promised me to go with me to the mechanics, but sure enough he forgot. When he realized that he had forgotten about it, he just said, "I'm sorry; there's been too much going on today, I forgot." He didn't acknowledge at all that he hurt my feelings! I got more upset because he wouldn't acknowledge me, and that led to more of a fight. He just kept saying things like, "please, don't!" And he made sounds that signaled that he was annoyed. Eventually, the next day he said, "I got a lot going on yesterday and having a fight didn't help." It was as though it was all my fault. I asked to talk to him, and he said he would on Wednesday night, only to call me the last minute and said he had to be with his brother and sister-in-law that evening because she had some complications with her pregnancy (as though he could do anything about it)! I didn't fight with him this time. I just said okay. Then I decided to stop contacting him yesterday (Thursday). But by this morning I was afraid again that he was mad at me, and I wanted to apologize. I know that I had a reason to be upset when he didn't care about me and didn't acknowledge my feelings. But since he wouldn't sincerely apologize anyway, I felt like I had to apologize in order to "keep the peace." But after reading your posts, I decided not to. I guess I'm just afraid that if I don't contact him, he won't contact me either and our "relationship" will fall apart. But I guess if we only stay together because I work hard to keep it together and he plays no role in it, then this is not much of a "relationship" to begin with anyway, right? Do you think he'll come back if I pull away now? Oh man, this is killing me; it's just as bad as a breakup!
MoonGirl Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 moongirl, is that a book or a post here somewhere! It's a book. It helped me out a lot with what not to do...how not to be someone's doormat.
MoonGirl Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Wow, thank you so much, everyone!! I got some more encouragement from you all to stay away from him! You know, yesterday I decided to start staying away, but by this morning, I was so tempted to show up to him and to apologize again! The fight came about because I had a minor car accident last week and he had promised me to go with me to the mechanics, but sure enough he forgot. When he realized that he had forgotten about it, he just said, "I'm sorry; there's been too much going on today, I forgot." He didn't acknowledge at all that he hurt my feelings! I got more upset because he wouldn't acknowledge me, and that led to more of a fight. He just kept saying things like, "please, don't!" And he made sounds that signaled that he was annoyed. Eventually, the next day he said, "I got a lot going on yesterday and having a fight didn't help." It was as though it was all my fault. I asked to talk to him, and he said he would on Wednesday night, only to call me the last minute and said he had to be with his brother and sister-in-law that evening because she had some complications with her pregnancy (as though he could do anything about it)! I didn't fight with him this time. I just said okay. Then I decided to stop contacting him yesterday (Thursday). But by this morning I was afraid again that he was mad at me, and I wanted to apologize. I know that I had a reason to be upset when he didn't care about me and didn't acknowledge my feelings. But since he wouldn't sincerely apologize anyway, I felt like I had to apologize in order to "keep the peace." But after reading your posts, I decided not to. I guess I'm just afraid that if I don't contact him, he won't contact me either and our "relationship" will fall apart. But I guess if we only stay together because I work hard to keep it together and he plays no role in it, then this is not much of a "relationship" to begin with anyway, right? Do you think he'll come back if I pull away now? Oh man, this is killing me; it's just as bad as a breakup! If you DO contact him, be pleasant...no begging, pleading, etc. Read some of the info on the marriage builders website. I know you're not married, but the info can help in any relationship. Read the Love Busters section and the Emotional Needs section.
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