Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Break ups occurring early in a relationship are typically because of sexual incompatibility which is more commonly known as lack of chemistry. When sexual compatibility is combined with deep friendship a bond is formed. This bond is the connection we call being in love. If the deep friendship is absent we call this connection lust. When two people are in love the root cause of their break up is, put very simply, one or more disagreements. If these disagreements are left unresolved for whatever reason either one or both partners will reach a dumping threshold. If you are a dumpee in this sort of situation the most important thing to bear in mind is that the person who dumped you still loves you (just like your parents still love you even when they are punishing you). The problem is that the two of you are arguing. There is only ever one winner in an argument and that is the person that stops arguing and simply agrees with the other. By stopping arguing you are giving the other person nothing to fight against and they end up arguing with themselves. Having decided to dump you the dumper's resolve is strengthed by any attempts you make to get back together because you are arguing with them. By agreeing and going along with them you are no longer arguing with them. In fact you are listening to them and we all like to be listened to. It will become very painful listening to your loved one accusing you of various things. However if you love someone enough you will deal with the pain because the end result, getting the love of your life back, is worth it. Because they love you, their internal debate will bring them to a point where they will want to talk - NC helps with this as it adds a sense of urgency if the dumper thinks the dumpee is moving on and also gives both the dumper and dumpee time and space to think. When the dumper is ready to talk it is critical that the dumpee just sits there, bites their tongue and listens. Do not defend yourself no matter how awful the accusations get, the dumper will get round to defending you because they love you. It helps if you understand that they are thinking aloud and want to share all of their thoughts with you, the good and the bad. It's also worth noting that you may learn something useful that will help you make the changes the dumper may be looking for, not the changes you think they're looking for. These changes can be as simple as buying flowers once a week, saying thank you when given something, or remembering important dates (if you have a bad memory, get a diary!) While passing through the inevitable emotional stage immediately after being dumped this notion of agreeing with the dumper will be difficult to fathom. If you can get through this emotional stage without becoming bitter then adopting this form of "passive resistance" seriously adds to your chances of reconciling. Do whatever it takes to maintain NC and get through this emotional stage. If your dumper contacts you during this time and you don't feel ready to talk politely decline the conversation, tell them you are not ready to talk yet and then contact them at sometime in the future when you are. Once reconciled do not forget the lesson here - "The only winner in an argument is the one who stops arguing and agrees with the other" None of this will work if the two of you were never truly in love in the first place. Comments?
littlebopeep Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 When my ex ended our 4.5 year relationship still saying he loved me/was still in love with me i didnt believe him.In my opinion if you love some1 you dont leave them you stay and try and sort any problems out. We have been apart 6 months now with very little contact at all.This time apart has made me realise why he ended it and that he must have been unhappy to do it.He had to go away on placement for a year but our relationship was so good we thought we could get through it. When i went to visit him 5 weeks after he left we had an amazing few days until 1 night i was asking him if he had met any other girls and then accused him of looking at them. We ended up arguing but then made up but the next day he ended it saying it wouldnt work.We were both sobbing and he was saying i still love you so much but if we are arguing after me being away for 5 weeks,what will we be like after a year. I did the normal,crying,begging but he had made his decision.When i look back it cant have been easy for him.Away from home with strangers,and not seeing his family who hes very close to.He text me every day many times and then phoned every night for 1 to 2 hours and then off to bed. When he eventually met new friends and started going out playing pool he still left them to phone me because he said i was most important and even then i was asking if there was any females with them. I lost him through my own insecurity but ive paid the price.I had to do n/c for my own sake to give myself time to learn my mistakes so that i can be a better person. I dont think my ex will be with me again hes probably moved on now but i hope in time that if he ever did reconsider or a have a new r/ship i will be a better person.Good post by the way.
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Good post by the way.Thanks . With regard to your situation you must always remember that there are always issues on both sides of a breakup. I think of them as issues and counter-issues. You say one of your issues is your insecurity, his counter-issue is his lack of capability to deal with it. It sounds like some of your arguments stemmed from your insecurity. Maybe if he had just agreed with you instead of engaging in an argument with you, you insecurity would have subsided? If you ever start talking reconciliation then dealing with these issues, getting external help (friends, family, counselling etc) if necessary, should be your primary concern. Ideally both the issue and counter-issue should be dealt with however just dealing with one or the other is generally enough. Well done on spending the recent months discovering and healing yourself .
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Yep, what you said is very true. When my ex broke up with me 6 months ago... I initially calmly said, I agree, you're right. But, within a couple hours I went into the begging and promising to change, the tears, etc. Looking back, I remember that when I told him calmly that I agreed... he was taken back, disarmed. I realize now that had I remained in the calm mode and gone on to no contact that he would have probably changed his mind. Instead, I did the typical letter writing campaign, the texts asking him to come back, etc. Then I found this site and saw my mistakes. However, I know that the damage had been done by the time I found this site, and I had pushed him too far away. Had I remained passive.... I think we'd still be together today. ;-)
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 However, I know that the damage had been done by the time I found this site, and I had pushed him too far away.I'm a great advocate of the maxims "it's never too late" and "where there's a will there's a way". If true love is involved it doesn't matter how far away someone is pushed - there is always a way back, even if it takes decades. For this to happen the dumpee needs to leave the door open but move on and get on with their life. When contact is inevitably re-established, as long as the dumpee remains passive, listens, agrees and uses phrases like "I understand" there's a good chance that a reconciliation will take place. Once the dumper is done talking the dumpee should ask them what they want to do next and take it from there. If the reconcililation doesn't happen immediately, the dumpee shouldn't be too concerned. They should continue with the passive resistance and with their own life until the dumper has made clear they want a reconciliation and at that point the dumpee decides if the reconciliation should go ahead - most do:love:.
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I guess the ultimate question I have is whether or not my ex actually loved me. I've questioned whether or not he was/is capable of the emotion. My gut tells me that he will resurface at some point looking for a reconciliation.... But as you said, I'm moving on and living my life as if he isn't coming back. You have good insight. :-) D
Young&Sexy21 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I liked what you posted---do I agree with it because it's true, or do I because I want to? The question I have for you is what happens if after the break up---you do not agree and all that, advocating getting back together and everything your heart wants to but your mind knows you shouldn't---can you still win the dumper's attention?
NorCalDave Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I completely agree. I've been doing this passive resistance, and it feels like we are getting closer. She broke up with me 6 weeks ago, and for a week, we did NC. I visited her at her work, where she started crying, still saying she loved me. Then we ran into each other a couple weeks later after I sent her a letter, and she was a bit passive and aloof. She still started crying though. Then we took a couple more weeks of NC, and then we would run into each other at the gym and start smiling at each other....the attraction still very much being there...and now, we have run into each other the past couple days, and the first day, we mad flirted and smiled, and it was fresh and no drama. Then last night, we run into each other at church, and she sits next to me, and we then went to dinner afterwards where she proceeded to tell me, "I have to tell you something, but I don't know how to say it.....No one has ever treated me better than you did.." She started crying again. We hugged, we kissed, we ate dinner, we hugged again, and we parted, her saying, "Maybe we'll run into each other at the gym or church!" That was that. I didn't call her today. I think the key to getting an ex back is first off, they have to still be attracted to you and they still must love you. Second, the dumpee (me) needs to take the breakup with dignity and class, and walk away and respect their space. This makes them miss and respect you. As much as we dumpees want to beg and plead, that only pushes them away further. I only begged and pleaded one time, for a second, then walked away. Third, if you run into each other, the dumpee must look sexy and hot, and not pay too much attention to the dumper. Be very aloof. This will make the dumper want to run into you again and get more of your attention. That's exactly what I did. I went to the gym when I thought she might be there, and I tried to look as chiseled and tanned and sexy as I could. When I saw her, I simply walked away like she didn't mean anything to me. What happened next time I ran into her? She came up and said, "So we don't have to hate each other okay?" Ans she proceeded to flirt and want attention. I played it cool and was friendly and passive. If the dumpee continues to look strong, healthy and happy when in the presence of the dumper, the dumper thinks twice and wants to be with you again. It seems to be working for me. I don't know if I will get her back, but I feel good about myself, and we are at least talking and doing stuff together again. We kissed and hugged last night and it felt great. What happens from here, who knows...but I plan on staying away, not calling, until the time hopefully comes when she calls me, and asks me to go out, or asks to come over. I want her back more than anything and I will act however I need to act to get her back. It will get hard at times, and painful, and I will have to be patient, but I think these are good things to remember if you are the dumpee, like me!
Krying Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I wish I had found this site when I was doing the begging, pleading thing. I don't feel I pushed my ex fiance away. She was the one to end it and walkaway without looking back. She's only a memory now and really it's a bad one as the last time we saw eachother she didn't relate to me properly at all. It stunk. She looked guilty, acted it and so on. As far as looking good etc., I went the other way and stopped eating, sleeping, and looked and felt a total mess. I'm on the recovery somewhat from that now, but for me none of the stuff posted on this thread can help me. I wish it could. But she's married and is pregnant. No amount of passive resistance is going to help me get her back. Add to that I'm moving to a far away country.
happymom Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I am separated from my h since dec. it was my decision, but we still have contact. It's almost like it's a phase of either splitting for good OR a process of getting back together.Either way it feels healthier than living in the same home and being depressed and unhealthy. Has anyone ever been married but lived separately? I never thought it's something that I would ever consider...but here I am!
littlebopeep Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Thanks . With regard to your situation you must always remember that there are always issues on both sides of a breakup. I think of them as issues and counter-issues. You say one of your issues is your insecurity, his counter-issue is his lack of capability to deal with it. It sounds like some of your arguments stemmed from your insecurity. Maybe if he had just agreed with you instead of engaging in an argument with you, you insecurity would have subsided? If you ever start talking reconciliation then dealing with these issues, getting external help (friends, family, counselling etc) if necessary, should be your primary concern. Ideally both the issue and counter-issue should be dealt with however just dealing with one or the other is generally enough. Well done on spending the recent months discovering and healing yourself . Thanks.Im getting better:D My ex hated arguing it was me with my insecurity:o We met up once after he ended things because he wanted to know i was ok.We had a lovely time and he said "why couldnt it always be like this"He sais i still love and fancy you and cant believe things have come to this. He said that many times he wanted to pick up the phone and say he had made a mistake and that he missed me but he also said he knew if we got back together the same thing could happen again,(it did once before)and he didnt want to take the chance of hurting me again. I.ll always love him and know we could have been happy if we had worked on things but it all became too much for him and so he walked away.Who knows,our paths might cross again in the future but i wont hold my breath lol.Your post has made me realise that he doesnt hate me by not keeping in touch or at least i hope he doesnt lol.Thanks again.
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 10, 2007 Author Posted March 10, 2007 The question I have for you is what happens if after the break up---you do not agree and all that, advocating getting back together and everything your heart wants to but your mind knows you shouldn't---can you still win the dumper's attention?If your mind knows you shouldn't, you are effectively a dumper. Two dumpers getting back together is not a good idea. You will always get the dumpers attention by agreeing with them, but if you don't want to agree with them, then don't.
Canuck2006 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Hi Yernasia, I have been apart from my ex now for 5 months. The last time I spoke to her was at the end of January and I thought maybe because she is still hurting, I'll leave her be for awhile. I respect what you are saying, so if you had a moment could you read my situation and give me any thoughts you might have on it? Thanks. Chad http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111024/
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Hi Yernasia, I have been apart from my ex now for 5 months. The last time I spoke to her was at the end of January and I thought maybe because she is still hurting, I'll leave her be for awhile. I respect what you are saying, so if you had a moment could you read my situation and give me any thoughts you might have on it? Thanks. Chad My general impression is that you are doing too much thinking on behalf of your EX. It's something we are all guilty of from time to time. How often do we hear people say things like "I know what you're thinking", "You probably won't like this" etc. It's natural for us to make assumptions about what other people are thinking and how they might react to a given situation or question. You are rightly concerned about your EX's feelings and, rightly or wrongly, assuming that you know what's best for her. A wise woman once said to me "you have two ears and one mouth, use them in that proportion". It sounds to me like your EX wants to continue communication with you and I'd imagine that she is as keen as you to figure this whole thing out. As an alternative to assuming what your EX is thinking and feeling perhaps you could come up with some gentle but searching questions and then listen very carefully to her answers without interrupting. You may be suprised by the answers you get and how tough and resilient she may turn out to be. If you do decide to take this route try to make sure that the questions are OPEN meaning that she can't give one word answers like YES or NO. Closed Question Example Q. Were you unhappy when you were with me? A. Yes Open Question Example Q. What things were you unhappy about when you were with me? A. I was unhappy with the way that you....... Also try to avoid questions that seem to apportion blame such as "Why did you do this to me?". Instead you could ask "What was your reason for doing this?". The other side of this is that some of her answers may appear to blame you. When this happens (and it will) bite your tongue and wait until she finishes before gaining clarification if necessary. Ideally you shouldn't comment at all and only respond to any counter-questions she may have. Keep your answers brief and get her talking again as soon as possible - after all, this is all about you finding out where she's at . Comments everyone else........?
Recommended Posts