Do your actions after a breakup overshadow what you did in the relationship?

[Strawbrryblonde]

My question is this. After breakups a lot of people go kindof crazy. They do things that they usually don't do, whether it be getting drunk, doing drugs, stalking their ex's...things of that nature. If you royally mess up after a breakup, and your ex sees that...is there any way that they will want you back? And will your most recent actions make them forget all of the good that you used to have? Please respond with stories, and/or opinions.

[Guest]

In most cases, the dumper will remember ALL and everysingle bit of bad moments you two have ever had. The more you beg, plead, cry, and do more stupid things, the more you make them think about all those bad things.

 

Chances are, doing no-contact for a reasonable time(2 weeks min.), will allow them to calm down, and start thinking about the good times instead of the bad.

 

hope this helps.

[ratingsguy]

I think we both know the answer to that question.

 

If you go NC, you save yourself the embarassment, and perhaps salvage any opportunity of rekindling something in the future.

[Woggle]

My ex pulled some things during our seperation that made me never even want to look at her again. No good times that we shared even mattered at that point and I just wanted her out of my life so yes it can affect things.

[oppath]

I requested NC from my ex who dumped me; she violated it and invited me to a party. I reasserted myself saying "give me some more time before we try to be friends". She responded "I understand, want to be friends with benefits?" I went off on her (though I did not cuss and the worse thing I did was say she was selfish and I felt like a rebound). She didn't respond or apologize. Two weeks later, I learned her ex of 5 years proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me. I was drunk and sent a drunken email.

 

I reacted that way in part to ENSURE she could never come back. But all of her friends, who liked me, now hate me and think I'm an *******. I apologized to her but she wants nothing to do with it. Her friends are of the opinion that I crossed the line and I burned the bridge. I'm of the opinion that SHE crossed lines and she set fire to it.

 

If I could do things over, I would have just ignored her inviting me to the party and not assert myself. Or, I would have toned down my response for her FWB request and simplified it instead of making it a rant.

 

How I acted is not the end of the world and I forgive myself. We've all been there. But I choose to be the bigger person and despite the fact that she used me and abused my love, desire not to hate her and remember our experiences fondly. I tell this to my friends, that this is how I want to remember her and how I'd like them to remember her too, without hate thinking she is a bitch.

 

Sadly, she chooses to remember me as a psycho ex who is an *******, and all of her friends therefore feel the same.

 

Why would I even want her in my life at all? She was proposed to, and didn't tell me, who she claimed to love, that it happened while I was away visiting family over Christmas. I come back and we exchange gifts. A week later she dumps me. That is abusing my love and affection. How she reacted after the breakup (asking for FWB and then not apologizing for it) in my opinion are worse sins (since she dumped me) thatn what I committed. I don't want to be her friend, but in time, I can forgive her, and the tough part is parting with mutual friends because I'm not welcome. Somehow I'm at fault.

[climbergirl]

You never really know someone until you divorce them.

 

I think the same theory holds true with a break up. Then you see what a person is capable of.

 

I think everyone expects a nasty exchange since emotions are running high during a break up, but it depends on the extent a person carries those words and actions.

 

I had an ex leave a lovely VM actually mocking a pregnancy I lost.

 

Did that change my opinion of him?

 

It certainly showed what kind of person he is.

[Woggle]

It is very true that a person shows their true colors in a breakup or divorce. When my ex went around telling everybody that I raped her during the marriage and that I beat her with vacumn cleaner attachments it ripped off the facade. All the good she did before that meant nothing anymore.

[climbergirl]

It is very true that a person shows their true colors in a breakup or divorce. When my ex went around telling everybody that I raped her during the marriage and that I beat her with vacumn cleaner attachments it ripped off the facade. All the good she did before that meant nothing anymore.

 

WTF!?!

 

I have to go back and read your earlier posts....

[Woggle]

WTF!?!

 

I have to go back and read your earlier posts....

 

She has a good imagination. You should have heard some of the tales she tried to tell in divorce court. She could have been an author if she wasn't such a loony tune.

[oppath]

I disagree that people show their true colors during a break up. What you witness is only a small part of who someone is in response to intense pain and an emotional loss.

 

I say this because anyone who concludes that I'm an ******* and that I'm a bad person for reacting as I did to my ex asking for FWB and me learning she was proposed to (she turned him down) before she dumped me, is wrong. I am a great person. My true colors are that I truly loved her and experienced a great loss when she dumped me, and it pained me greatly when she belittled our relationship by asking for FWB, and my trust was betrayed when I learned about her ex proposing. My true colors are that I apologized for the angry words I hurled at her when I learned about her ex. How I reacted was wrong but is understandable and forgiveable given the circumstances. Her and her friends can look at what I did and say "this guy is an angry *******" and they are 100% wrong.

 

When break ups occur, people are hurt, often depressed, and it is difficult to act and think rational. Their actions in the short term do not indicate who they really are. It is an awkward transition and both people deal with the pain as well as they can.

[climbergirl]

I disagree that people show their true colors during a break up. What you witness is only a small part of who someone is in response to intense pain and an emotional loss.

 

I say this because anyone who concludes that I'm an ******* and that I'm a bad person for reacting as I did to my ex asking for FWB and me learning she was proposed to (she turned him down) before she dumped me, is wrong. I am a great person. My true colors are that I truly loved her and experienced a great loss when she dumped me, and it pained me greatly when she belittled our relationship by asking for FWB, and my trust was betrayed when I learned about her ex proposing. My true colors are that I apologized for the angry words I hurled at her when I learned about her ex. How I reacted was wrong but is understandable and forgiveable given the circumstances. Her and her friends can look at what I did and say "this guy is an angry *******" and they are 100% wrong.

 

When break ups occur, people are hurt, often depressed, and it is difficult to act and think rational. Their actions in the short term do not indicate who they really are. It is an awkward transition and both people deal with the pain as well as they can.

 

 

What you did following the break up seems normal and expected. How you reacted, IMO, is entirely forgivable.

 

But I think how one acts or reacts during emotional distress does show what they are capable of and to what extent they will hurt you. Like I mentioned in my first post, angry words hurled back and forth usually happens in most emotionally charged break ups.

 

The OP was asking if how someone handles a break up can change your opinion of the person. How you handled it, Oppath, is understandable given the situation. But those that handle it with outright lies to try to seriously damage a persons wellbeing (Woggles experience) or someone who takes something personal and traumatic and enjoys twisting the knife (my experience) does show their true colors.

 

You didn't do those things, Oppath......and why? Because you loved her and you wouldn't go to that extent to hurt her.

[oppath]

Well, I did threaten to tell her ex about me if she wouldn't tell me the truth! But I retracted that the next day and said it was an empty threat, and it was immature of me to emotionally manipulate her that way and I was wrong for the harsh words I used (not really, it was pathetic how selfish she was for lyiing to me so it's not that big of a deal if I said it).

 

My point is: I am remembered poorly because of how I acted, when in reality what I did is normal, understandable, and forgiveable. So yes, actions influence how people remember you. Despite what my ex put me through I would like, 6 months from now, for us to at least hang out at parties together and be friendly.

 

But I'm threadjacking. Yes, EXTREME behavior will lower one's opinion and make them remember only the bad. But at some point, YOU CHOOSE how to remember someone. Working through the anger phase and eventually forgiving the other person is essential for healing. If you can't forgive, the alternative is to just walk away, where you choose to walk away from anything and everything associated with your ex.

 

On the other hand, wow, mocking a lost pregnancy? Claiming rape and abuse? Ok, those things aren't forgiveable.

 

What amazes me, however, is that people don't forgive forgiveable things and choose the remember someone as an ******* instead of owning up. Perhaps this does show my ex's true colors. She didn't acknowledge my apology or apologize on her own and she tells all of her friends who at one point were semi-friends of mine that I am an ******* who flipped out and went psycho. I didn't. I responsed how many people would respond.

[Guest]

It's funny how I was just today thinking about just that topic. See my fiance and I are having problems and I am thinking of leaving him. I have been moody, testy, basically bitchy. We all know this is just me hurting, but will he remember how nice our life was? Is this possibly because this is my reaction to losing something and having no control of it. That can make you crazy.