Am I wrong for feeling this way???

[sky sky]

Listen, I know it may be just another thread with the same questions, however, some of us just need to really wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late.

 

I am a married woman with children. I guess you could say I have a typical all american life. Husband works many hours children are involved in many sports and activities. I manage a small business as well as my household and everything that goes along with it.

 

Now here is where it gets a bit complicated, I met a wonderful male friend, nice as can be. Very attentive and seems to be on the same wave length as I am. We know each other through our childrens sports and activities. His wife is a busy woman herself, she works many more hours than he does. Most of the time it ends up with just the two of us attending our childrens activities. Many people think he is my husband.

 

Spending all this time together has brought us closer to one another. I have developed deep feelings for him. Not sure if he feels the same, but my female instinct tells me he does as well. I know it is wrong for me to put myself in a situation like I have, but I feel so alive! I haven't felt that way for many years. Like I mentioned before husband works a lot and when he is home he wants to do what he wants and I usually go along with it, because I don't want to start any arguments. Don't get me wrong my husband is a great guy and a wonderful father, but I've lost that closeness and camaraderie we once shared. I feel distant towards him.

 

My male friend makes me feel desired and I think I do the same for him. I get the sense his wife takes him for granted and pays no attention to him. They rarely spend time together.

 

I really would not like for our friendship to get physical, but from the way things are going I'm afraid it eventually will. He is very respectful of me, but I do sense he would like more, but is not willing to make the first move.

 

That's where I need some advice, regarding my impulse to start something with him. I have always been a person to jump into something without thinking of the results of my actions. Before I ever married I was the type who would cheat on my boyfriends rather than break-up with them. I would not even consider their feelings or care. I was a person who always had many boyfriends and lots of attention. Since I met my husband I stopped all that, because I took my vows very seriously. I have been faithful and a loving wife, but have come to an impasse re: our relationship. 12 years later I am starting to see the old me come back, and I don't like it one bit and am quite scared of becoming the person I once was before.

 

I'm not proud of this weakness I have towards this male friend, but I find myself wanting to see what it would be like to be with him, knowing to well what the outcome would be.

 

Has anyone ever gone through a rough patch in their marriage, where you have suddenly become attracted to a friend who is pretty much in the same boat as you are? How did you get past this and move on without ending your friendship?

 

Any advice would be great! Thank you in advance.

[Oper Edei Deixai]

Hey sky sky,

 

It looks like you are standing on the precipice. You mentioned that you know what the result of pursuing your feelings on this matter would be. That's good. I confess, that I don't really know what your situation is like - I was the husband in your scenario.

 

Time to dig deep and ask the tough ??s

 

Do you love your hubby?

Did you used to love your hubby?

When did things get blase'?

If you could change one thing about your home situation to give your marriage a chance to improve, what would it be?

 

There's no answers that are right or wrong - your feelings are what they are. Your marriage got stale, and it took two of you to make it that way, it'll take two of you to turn it around. My advice, take a breather from being around your new friend. give it - say - 2 weeks to remove the temptation. I know the only way that I can keep myself from eating that chocolate cake is to cover it up so I can't see it. Take that time to really try to pinpoint some key issues you need addressed. You're going to need to corner your hubby and let him know that you have very real concerns regarding your feelings toward him, and that you need to work on it - now. threaten him if you need to - say you're thinking separation. Chances are he feels the same.

 

Summation:

 

1. take a breather from the new beau

2. ask yourself tough questions and answer truthfully

3. corner husband and make him address your empty home life with you

4. consider a counselor/moderator to help facilitate your talking

[4whatItsWorth]

I am sure your husband would love to be closer to you than the two of you seem to be. Why not try to ask him to get a getaway during a weekend just the two of you, get a babysitter, and see if you could rekindle the spark? You two have most likely gone into a routine and its easy to forget the feelings that are there.

 

I agree on above, avoid Mr Nice Guy for a couple of weeks. Be more affectionate with your husband, make the first moves. I am sure he would not mind it - most guys never mind chances of any intimacy. I am also agreeing your husband probably feels the same - he might just not know how to show/tell you.

 

Don't assume things about his wife however. You say they rarely spend time together - they work a lot - and perhaps she works so much cos she is not happy in her own relationship? So why make it worse for her? You have a great husband and the connection you had can come back again if you two WORK ON IT! Nothing in life worth having is easy! If you've always taken the easy way out in the past - make a difference and try the "hard" way. Work on your marriage - not on an affair.

 

Good luck!

[reservoirdog1]

Right now -- BEFORE you've done something you'll deeply regret and can't take back -- is the perfect time to go to your husband and tell him much of what you've told us.

 

You've done nothing wrong by feeling the way you do. You're not respsonsible for your feelings. But you are totally responsible for what you do based on those feelings.

 

You need to drive the point home with your husband about how close you feel you may have come to doing something regretable, underlining the fact that you love and care enough about him to want to first work with him to see if you can build a marriage that keeps you happy and fulfilled. You need to tell him that and do your best to make sure he listens. He deserves that much respect and communication.

 

He has responsibility, at that point, to listen to what you're saying and to make changes as well. It's not all on your shoulders.

 

To reiterate, you've done nothing wrong up to this point. But now is the time to throw on the brakes and take positive steps towards doing what's right.

[addicted2love]

Sky Sky....

take the advice of the two privious posters and DON"T DO IT!!!

 

I understand that it's exciting...I know exactly what you mean when you say he makes you feel like you are "alive". Think about how crushed you would be if there was someone else that made your H feel "alive".

 

The only thing to be gained when you cross that line is hurt, hurt and more hurt for EVERYONE involved. Talk to your H about how empty you are feeling. Let him know exactly what it is you are missing in the marriage...ask him if he feels like anything is missing. Don't try to fill the void with someone else. It only feels good temporarily and the guilt and heart ache aren't worth those moments of fleeting excitement. Because at the end of the day if you truly have a wonderful husband whom you love that means more than any attraction.

 

If this "friend" makes you feel excited and alive...take that energy home and give it all to your H. Find ways to make things exciting at home again. Try to remember what it was that made you fall in love with your H to begin with.

 

Once you cross that line there's no going back and it will ruin everything you hold so dear and have worked so hard for in your life. I've been on both sides...BS and OW/MW. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy!

[Romeo Must Die]

Your feelings for this MM are inapporpriate.

 

Having an (emotional) affair isnt the way responsible married people get through a rough patch. Marriage is supposed to be for better or for worse. I can tell you that it's certian that once you cross that line you can never go back to the way things were. It would kill your husband's feelings for you forever.

[pcakes]

sky sky

I completely understand where you are coming from right now, I have a male friend (neighbor) that I had became very close to about a year ago.

 

It was an EA but was on it's way to becoming a PA. We went as far as intense hugging and seriouse talking about it and deciding we couldn't hurt our spouses that way.

But of course being neighbors and all 4 of us taking trips and doing things together, I see him constantly. We have said we still want each other (in a drunk moment about a month ago), but we can't do it.

 

It is VERY hard. Some days I see him I think, why would I want to jepordize my marriage over this, the grass is not greener, and the next time I have a hard time not grabbing him.

This has been going on a year now and it has gotten better with time, but my mind still goes back to how good he made me feel about myself and all the wonderful things that were said between us, even the talk about a future together.

 

I, like you, back when it started felt so alive, felt beautiful and desired again.

 

Would this be someone you would leave your husband for or just someone to have a good fling with? Is it worth it?

 

I know marriages get stale sometimes, I have been married 15 years and the last year has been the hardest of my life, but you need to think what is the most important thing to you and go from there.

I hate to say it, but the other posters are right, a little time away from the OM would probably be good too, out of site out of mind.

 

Hope your decision will be the right one for you!

[sky sky]

sky sky

I completely understand where you are coming from right now, I have a male friend (neighbor) that I had became very close to about a year ago.

 

It was an EA but was on it's way to becoming a PA. We went as far as intense hugging and seriouse talking about it and deciding we couldn't hurt our spouses that way.

But of course being neighbors and all 4 of us taking trips and doing things together, I see him constantly. We have said we still want each other (in a drunk moment about a month ago), but we can't do it.

 

It is VERY hard. Some days I see him I think, why would I want to jepordize my marriage over this, the grass is not greener, and the next time I have a hard time not grabbing him.

This has been going on a year now and it has gotten better with time, but my mind still goes back to how good he made me feel about myself and all the wonderful things that were said between us, even the talk about a future together.

 

I, like you, back when it started felt so alive, felt beautiful and desired again.

 

Would this be someone you would leave your husband for or just someone to have a good fling with? Is it worth it?

 

I know marriages get stale sometimes, I have been married 15 years and the last year has been the hardest of my life, but you need to think what is the most important thing to you and go from there.

I hate to say it, but the other posters are right, a little time away from the OM would probably be good too, out of site out of mind.

 

Hope your decision will be the right one for you!

 

Oh My Goodness! You all gave some great advice. No, it's not worth risking my marriage for someone who will most likely not risk his either.

 

Now, the hard part is getting over him and moving on. I came to the realization that I'm pretty stuck on him at this point. Whenever I'm in his presence I MELT. Sounds silly and immature but I can't seem to help myself.

 

Someone on LS suggested I take a breather from him, sounds like a great idea, but how can I? We are very involved in our childrens sports and activities. Avoiding him would be very difficult to do, but then again we sort of look for each other and purposely run into one another at our childrens sporting events. I do seriously need to make an effort on avoiding him altogether.

 

As I read what I have written I really do sound so PATHETIC. How did I ever let my feelings towards him ever get to this point?

[LuckyStar26]

Its that same ole thing about "the high feeling" when somebody comes along and starts tending to the emotional needs that our spouses are disregarding.

 

Dont become another statistic Sky Sky. What you are feeling now is merely a reaction to your Husbands neglect of your needs for affection, conversation and recreational companionship. It happens in almost all marriages at some time or another.

 

Your marriage is what you need to work on at the moment, not the OM. I know what it's like to have feelings for someone else when in a committed relationship, its human nature for us to begin to feel emotional attachments to others when the ones we love seem to be so far away from us at certain times in our marriages, but there's a line and we must not cross it.

 

You took your marriage vows, so it is your duty (and your husband's) to stick to them. You need to break contact with OM completely and take a good long look at your marriage, your husband, what you want and what you think he wants out of your relationship together.

 

Somehow someway, you need to communicate your feelings to your H and this means being transparent in your feelings towards this other man. Your H, if you are honest with him about how you feel, is bound to sit up and take notice when threatened with the prosepct of losing his wife to another man.

[SadrBtWizr]

To answer the question in your title, "Feeling this way" is not wrong. However, the fact that you have the feelings, and the fact that you know it could lead somewhere wrong, is a signal to take action.

 

You do have the right to expect your husband to make you feel beautiful, desireable etc. You also have the right to expect him to make a good living for you and your family. Right now, those two things are in conflict. You both need to help each other bring them back into balance.

 

You do need to help your H understand how you feel and what your needs are. This is a very good time to get things back on track with your marriage.

 

I hope things turn out well for you.

[Sup]

Oh My Goodness! You all gave some great advice. No, it's not worth risking my marriage for someone who will most likely not risk his either.

 

Now, the hard part is getting over him and moving on. I came to the realization that I'm pretty stuck on him at this point. Whenever I'm in his presence I MELT. Sounds silly and immature but I can't seem to help myself.

 

Someone on LS suggested I take a breather from him, sounds like a great idea, but how can I? We are very involved in our childrens sports and activities. Avoiding him would be very difficult to do, but then again we sort of look for each other and purposely run into one another at our childrens sporting events. I do seriously need to make an effort on avoiding him altogether.

 

As I read what I have written I really do sound so PATHETIC. How did I ever let my feelings towards him ever get to this point?

 

 

Purposely tell your husband what you have told us, and purposely avoid and or stop attending those events. Once your hubby knows, he WILL help you stop attending.

[whichwayisup]

sky sky

I completely understand where you are coming from right now, I have a male friend (neighbor) that I had became very close to about a year ago.

 

It was an EA but was on it's way to becoming a PA. We went as far as intense hugging and seriouse talking about it and deciding we couldn't hurt our spouses that way.

But of course being neighbors and all 4 of us taking trips and doing things together, I see him constantly. We have said we still want each other (in a drunk moment about a month ago), but we can't do it.

 

Pcakes, do a search on the name Forbiddenfruit and Answerplease. Two situations just like yours, MM who are neighbours and affairs. END IT! Don't let anything more happen between you two otherwise you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Not only will it affect you and him, the fallout affects your children, his children, your spouses and everybody else around!