Wildatheart Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I'm not sure where to begin. I really need some objective input here. I'll start with some basics. I was married for 17 years with three children when I found out my wife had an "emotional" affair with a friend of the family. She claims there was no sex... that she respected me more than that. Our marriage was like many others. Great at times with it's rocky shoals. She's type A "do it yesterday", very aggressive and very confrontational (personal attacks and emasculation was the norm); I'm type B, told I'm handsome, own my own biz, and very clean. We are now divorced. I swore I would NEVER have an affair. I would divorce first. I didn't keep my word. I met a much younger woman on outings with mutual friends. I am 45 and she is 22. She was interested. I was but wouldn't show it. She asked my friends about my marriage... found out it was abusive.... and decided she would pursue me. I said no many times.... but not the last time. We became the best of friends and lovers. I tried to end it several times and reconcile... for the right reasons....and I still loved my wife. For 9 months my wife told me I was a child molesting pervert (I have a son the same age). She never let's something go. I moved out, and instead of e-mail, began to talk to and see the younger woman again. I had many reservations that she put to rest: Age difference, her family, my family, and children... she said she didn't want to have children. Throughout our relationship there have been some problems. I love her dearly and I am now questioning whether it would be best to continue our relationship. Problem one: On a few occasions she has allowed herself to get into "situations". 1. Kissed a guy at Mardi Gras (no big deal). 2. Stayed with a guy at his Military barracks, drank a lot and fell asleep... no, kissed him... no, had dry sex with him.... nope.... final story... he had sex with her using a condom while she was passed out (I forgave her.. after all she was passed out). 3. Went up to a guys apartment (42 yr. old) bc he wanted to talk with her. He scooped here up, walked to the bed and started kissing her and trying to undress her.... she left... told me a first and then the corrected version above (wrote this off as bad judgement) 4. Went to a restaurant to wait for me 1.5 hrs while I was out of town.... told me her ex-boyfriend/waiter forcibly kissed her when she just turned around to answer a question.... I was going to go into the restaurant the next day to inform him of manners and lo and behold she tells me......no, she kissed him back (I accepted 7 drinks as the excuse here). I have been given two ultimatums. The first was get divorced or we are over. Done deal, but my wife had to file. She has asked me when we are getting married. I want to wait two years and told here it was my job to ask her. The second ultimatum is: She wants children or it's over. I really don't want to raise any more children. I know that would not be fair to her. She recently stopped taking the pill and did not tell me. We had a two week scare. She was just irregular, not pregnant. I do have a trust issue. Now that I have written it down, I wonder if I can trust her.... married or not. I know if I tell here no about the kids it's off and we will both be devastated for 2 to 3 years. If she relents, I am concerned about resentment coming between us. I really need some input here.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Problem one: On a few occasions she has allowed herself to get into "situations". 1. Kissed a guy at Mardi Gras (no big deal). cheated 2. Stayed with a guy at his Military barracks, drank a lot and fell asleep... no, kissed him... no, had dry sex with him.... nope.... final story... he had sex with her using a condom while she was passed out (I forgave her.. after all she was passed out). cheated 3. Went up to a guys apartment (42 yr. old) bc he wanted to talk with her. He scooped here up, walked to the bed and started kissing her and trying to undress her.... she left... told me a first and then the corrected version above (wrote this off as bad judgement) cheated 4. Went to a restaurant to wait for me 1.5 hrs while I was out of town.... told me her ex-boyfriend/waiter forcibly kissed her when she just turned around to answer a question.... I was going to go into the restaurant the next day to inform him of manners and lo and behold she tells me......no, she kissed him back (I accepted 7 drinks as the excuse here). cheated I have been given two ultimatums. The first was get divorced or we are over. Done deal, but my wife had to file. She has asked me when we are getting married. I want to wait two years and told here it was my job to ask her. The second ultimatum is: She wants children or it's over. Do you really want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you that they "allow" themselves to get into "situations"? I really don't want to raise any more children. I know that would not be fair to her. She recently stopped taking the pill and did not tell me. We had a two week scare. She was just irregular, not pregnant. Might I suggest condoms, before you end up with a baby that you do not want to raise? I do have a trust issue. Now that I have written it down, I wonder if I can trust her.... married or not. I know if I tell here no about the kids it's off and we will both be devastated for 2 to 3 years. If she relents, I am concerned about resentment coming between us. I really need some input here. The age difference is an issue. It doesn't matter how you or her try to rationalize it, women that young with men that much older very seldom work out. For some pretty obvious reasons. She has already shown that she can not be trusted. "Several drinks" is an excuse, not a vaild reason for something happening.
LoveLace Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Devastated for 2-3 yrs?? I hope you don't really let her run your heart and life that dang much...and at her age, and with all ahead of her, she might be devastated for 2-3 months is more like it. But there is still a lot ahead for you too, believe it or not...divorce is difficult but you get through it. This girl has been nothing but dishonest and misbehaving. Age difference may not matter when it comes to love, but maturity level makes a HUGE difference, and even though I don't know this chick from adam....she is WAY too immature for you if she lying and cheating...the excuses are not good enough to hurt someone you love. I don't think she really loves YOU, but maybe she loves the idea of the relationship...the fact that you are older, financially secure, and let her get away with all kinds of B.S. She is walking all over you and you are letting her. AND you don't want any more children, she doesn't sound worth changing your mind for. What if you DID change your mind, and give her kids, only to find out she's still screwing around behind your back? If she's only 22, believe me she has several more Mardi Gras's left in her + some. I have witnessed a situation like this. A close family member of mine (in his 30's) was unhappy in a stale marriage to his wife. No longer attracted to her, etc. Getting him to settle was like pulling teeth for her in the 1st place. They were already having problems. Then, he met a young woman, the same age as your girlfriend. At first it was great and they were inseperable, he was fell so hard in love he wasn't even the same guy. But she started seeing other guys, etc, and he went nuts....couldn't let go, to the point where she was convinced he was plain Psycho. He moved out of the home he shared with his wife, a home that he valued and adored more than anything he'd ever had in his life. So now he was left with no wife, no girlfriend, and no house. He was lucky that his wife stayed in his life, and he realized she loves him unconditionally. He swears he would never, ever, return to a relationship like the former again. She was temporarily fun but way too much for him in the end. It sounds like you might be headed in the same direction, this girl will NOT change for you anytime soon, and you can still divorce and live a happy single life and meet new women of all ages if you want to. You deserve to be treated well and to be happy. This girl will make you miserable.
quankanne Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 ditto Moose: Run as fast as you can away from this girl. She doesn't have the emotional security needed to be in a permanent relationship, she's already using threats to set the tone of y'alls relationship, and she's just too damned young for you.
insomnie Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Wow...you let a 22 year old manipulative cheating bimbo ruin your marriage and break apart your family and now you want advice on how to handle her ultimatums? Advice: SHE CHEATED ON YOU a whole bunch of times and will continue to do it again. RUN away as far as you can, take some time to yourself to figure your life out. When you realize your wife isn't evil and you love your family get some help and try a little harder to reconcile. Maybe without the shadow of your "love" for a girl half your age your wife will find it easier to forgive you.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 What they said. KNS- I love your posts. Thank you. This made me laugh, because you are one of the posters I enjoy reading! Ironic.
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 She's not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. She's 22 and a very young 22 year old. She wants to party, have fun and stuff. She is nowhere near making a long term life committment like having children! Her words, her actions are showing you this! Either stay with her and have fun, don't let it get too serious, or end it now before you two get hurt.
sb129 Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Thank you. This made me laugh' date=' because [b']you[/b] are one of the posters I enjoy reading! Ironic. Why thank you! Great minds think alike huh!!! Glad you are sticking around.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 She recently stopped taking the pill and did not tell me. If I were you, I'd get a vasectomy and "forget" to tell her. I can't help but to wonder how long it would be before she turned up pregnant and trying to convince you that its yours.
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