Guest Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I am posting this because it may help someone else who is in my position. No need to give all the details as they don't affect the outcome. I had a 5 year affair with mm and during this we had the usual periods of NC which I imposed. But every single time, I missed him and went running back and the affair continued on its usual circular journey. I started to become quite ill and stressed, because he wasn't giving me any hope that there was a future and yet I was the one choosing to go back. I decided that I was addicted and yet I just could not/would not end the affair. So like a drug addict, I needed the source to be taken away from me in order to heal and recover. I decided that as the mm was the source, he could make himself unavailable to me. Over recent weeks I started piling on the pressure and said that it felt like he was just coming round for sex. Then I said had he ever tried to put himself in my shoes or what advice would he give his own daughter if she ever became the OW. Theses comments were made over a serious of meetings and then I also said that I wanted a full and frank discussion about our affair. Well (funnily enough!) he has backed right away, not phoning and although that hurts, it is such a relief to know that he has called it off because I have scared him away, and made him feel like an abusive, serial, user. He never said to me it was over but actions speak louder than words. The choice has been made for me, in the sense that I do not have the option to resume the affair. Ok, so I took the cowards way out, but I needed a way out with the guarantee that the source would go away for ever. Anyway it is not for everyone I know, but it worked for me. Of course I have my down days, but I am so happy that I know he will not call and that means that I can cure myself. I would never have had the strength to end it myself so I got mm to do my dirty work. And that is the only positive thing he has ever done for me!
boredwithit Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Guest, this is a very interesting point of view. I would hope that I would be strong enough to end it with my mm although, having said that, I am trying to undertsand what he is about and rapidly concluding that he just wants me in the sack. He sure isn't interested in meeting up for a chat and when he came sniffing around, I made it crystal clear that I wasn't going to roll over and be his play toy. He then started telling me that something I was doing wasn't really ethical (never bothered him before)--- he was getting annoyed with me just because I was standing my ground. After reading your post, I figure that ifI keep putting him off and stick to my guns, he will just fade away and be out of my life. It may not be as aggressive as the line you took, but the end result will be the same. He hates rejection and there will be a limit as to how many knock backs he will take.
puddleofmud Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Welcome and am glad you have found some peace for yourself. I am very sorry that your feelings were not validated and that is what it took for you to make this "over". You and all of us deserve to be allowed to have feelings about our SO and for those feelings to be addressed. I do agree with you that when our feelings within ANY relationship are ignored and/ or cast aside that we should let go. It is terribly hard but you will find a great deal of support, here, so post whenever you like and take care of yourself! Best wishes to you.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I think that when the A ends, for the most part, the means aren't really what matters...the outcome is what matters... In my personal life, I prefer to MAKE the choice and not leave that up to someone else...It was a conscious choice on my part not to settle any longer...of course that doesn't mean it was easy or I am completely healed, but I am on my way... So however one chooses to end it, I support that...the end is just the beginning of something else...
woe_is_me Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 just be ready for him to check in at any time ..i wasn't Today hasn't been a good one for me because im having trouble hating him today ...
Kenzo Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I think for most of us, the connections we have don't "just fade away". I agree with the original poster, letting him make the decision is the easiest and most painless. Rejection never feels good, not winning, feeling unwanted, or unchoosen (is that a word?) but if you end it, all the questions floating through your head...what if I had hung in there a little longer, fought a little harder...what if, what if, what if!!! By letting him end it at least you know that there never really was a WHAT IF. In my situation we go back and forth he knows we should end it for my well-being, but we are both in too deep and niether of us are willing to say the words...yes he is selfish, but so am I, I need him to do it...I am just not that strong!
GreenEyedLady Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 The connections don't just fade away...but what about the connection with yourself? I'm sorry, I just think that letting someone else have control over your life is an awful way to live...the greatest part of life is choice...why give that up? What if...What if he did leave? Is he really that great of a partner? There are many what if's in life...I prefer to focus on the reality and control what parts of my life i can... People have to do what need to to get by, but I think that sadly the theme here is "I'm not strong enough", when in reality, you're stronger than you think...
Kenzo Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 ... I think that sadly the theme here is "I'm not strong enough", when in reality, you're stronger than you think... You are 100% right...I know that I could do it if I really wanted to...I don't...and that's why I need him to do it. I know I am strong enough to do it, I just don't want to feel the doubt if I do, does that make any sense? I don't want to feel the pain that comes with doubt, I feel like it would be all-consuming.
puddleofmud Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Everyone has been in the shoes of "HOW" or "WHEN" to end an R: and no one knows that until one has that moment within themselves that it is truly over. Every one toys with it, every one fights it, every one denies it, every one shakes their pretty little head in agreement with their friends when being told this is not good, until that final feeling comes. It's a PROCESS not a command (Lord, don't we all wish it could be so easy as to just say, "OK, bye-bye" and from then on there will be no sorrow, no emotions, no grief, no NOTHING)? It just doesn't happen that way...sucks! Real feelings don't fade. That is what makes them real, even if those feeling weren't appropriate. One should be proud that one has such loyal feelings--that makes one a good and loving human being. Nothing wrong about that or to be ashamed about. BUT, realizing that one need let go does take time and a heck of a lot of effort and energy. Even if you force his hand to make it "over" it still won't be over for YOU--you have to allow yourself the self respectful right to do that for yourself. If you are feeling this sick and tired you will end it on your own, sooner than later. And because YOU were the one in control and did not passive-agressively "pass off" the control you will "own" your strength and there will be no doubts. As long as you let "HIM" consume you/control you in any way shape or form, especially allowing HIM to control your ending, then you will always have "doubts". You can do this! You can do this and control it when the time comes when there are no longer ANY doubts within yourself and you will feel GREAT about it--and never go back.
overandout Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 The trouble with "endings" is that sometimes they are not the "end". So to some extent it doesn't matter who ends the affair--OW or MM--because there is plenty of history on this forum and others, to show that either one or both of them may want to resume the affair. Sometimes the dumper regrets finishing it and tries to get back in contact. Sometimes the person who has been dumped wants another chance. It is at this stage that the real ending may occur depending on the response of the other party. If one party remains steadfast and doesn't want to resume contact, then that may well be the end. However they may wobble in time and resume. It is the same in single relationships except that with affairs they are more complex, because it is not just the two people concerned. This is what makes the dynamics of the affair so different. This is why quite often when the xmm gets back contact with the OW after several months or even years after the "end" of the affair, the OW often has to go through another "ending" because the mm is just offering her the same crumbs.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Yeah, they text, email and even leave notes on your car...but the end is THE END if you want it to be...
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 You are 100% right...I know that I could do it if I really wanted to...I don't...and that's why I need him to do it. I know I am strong enough to do it, I just don't want to feel the doubt if I do, does that make any sense? I don't want to feel the pain that comes with doubt, I feel like it would be all-consuming. Kenzo, I know that you feel that way now...I was not totally sure at the time, I just wanted to end the pain that I felt...and it WAS horrible for the first week...and every week since then, it gets better and easier to deal with and life is some kind of normal... When you're ready, it will be YOU that has to end it, because he won't be able to...
Guest Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Kenzo, I know that you feel that way now...I was not totally sure at the time, I just wanted to end the pain that I felt...and it WAS horrible for the first week...and every week since then, it gets better and easier to deal with and life is some kind of normal... When you're ready, it will be YOU that has to end it, because he won't be able to... Well if you start pressing him about your future he may back right off for a few months, but then they do feel the need to make contact. The trouble is that the OW is hoping that he has seen the light and wants to be with her, whereas sadly he misses the sex, intimacy and is just hoping you will be pining for him and will hook up again. This why even if the affair is nearing the end, the mm will be very loathe to say "it is over" because he doesn't want that. Instead you get the "I will call you" rubbish and this is his way of keeping his options open and you on te end of the hook. My mm would not say it was over, even though he wouldn't leave home, and after 3 months of NC he contacted me and wantd to meet up. I did meet up and he said that nothing had changed. So he really was being honest with me and I walked away for good and slammed the door shut. I just wish I hadn't had those 3 months of wondering what was going on. If I had resumed, I would have felt very used because it was all about sex a few hours a week and my self esteem would have plummeted and I am worth more than that--even if he didn't think so. He told me that I was the only woman he wanted to have sex with-oh and that was going to make me stay NOT!
Kenzo Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 I just wish I hadn't had those 3 months of wondering what was going on. If I had resumed, I would have felt very used because it was all about sex a few hours a week and my self esteem would have plummeted and I am worth more than that--even if he didn't think so. Guest, are you the original poster? I know that what is said here is probably true, but I have such a hard time believing that he is a manipulating liar...thus far he as been honest with me about our relationship...I have a hard time connecting him to the other MM talked about on these threads. I've slipped in comments here and there about my "worth", and that I deserve more, he knows that I am worthy of so much more. More than he is able to give me right now. He is so truly torn, but he really really believes this is what's best for his kids. I think there are some men out there that are just in it for the sex, I am not sure that mine is one of them. Sometimes we'll meet up for just a few minutes for a kiss and to see each other, and it's not convenient for either of us to do this, but that little time means so much...I've come to the conclusion that I am out of my mind!
Guest Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Guest, are you the original poster? I know that what is said here is probably true, but I have such a hard time believing that he is a manipulating liar...thus far he as been honest with me about our relationship...I have a hard time connecting him to the other MM talked about on these threads. I've slipped in comments here and there about my "worth", and that I deserve more, he knows that I am worthy of so much more. More than he is able to give me right now. He is so truly torn, but he really really believes this is what's best for his kids. I think there are some men out there that are just in it for the sex, I am not sure that mine is one of them. Sometimes we'll meet up for just a few minutes for a kiss and to see each other, and it's not convenient for either of us to do this, but that little time means so much...I've come to the conclusion that I am out of my mind! Kenzo, No I am not the original poster. I was only able to move on when my xmm told me that nothing was changing or going to change. He didn't want it to end but if I continued it then my future was as an OW and I wouldnot settle for that. His 3 children are all in their twenties and have flown the nest. If he hadn't been so honest with me and thrown me the odd carrot, I probably wouldn't have had the courage to walk away for good. I would then have been in the position where I would have wanted him to end it so that I wouldn't have been tempted to resurrect it. If he was through with it, then there was no room for me to rekndle the affair and I would have been forced to move on. Hope that makes sense.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Well if you start pressing him about your future he may back right off for a few months, but then they do feel the need to make contact. The trouble is that the OW is hoping that he has seen the light and wants to be with her, whereas sadly he misses the sex, intimacy and is just hoping you will be pining for him and will hook up again. This why even if the affair is nearing the end, the mm will be very loathe to say "it is over" because he doesn't want that. Instead you get the "I will call you" rubbish and this is his way of keeping his options open and you on te end of the hook. My mm would not say it was over, even though he wouldn't leave home, and after 3 months of NC he contacted me and wantd to meet up. I did meet up and he said that nothing had changed. So he really was being honest with me and I walked away for good and slammed the door shut. I just wish I hadn't had those 3 months of wondering what was going on. If I had resumed, I would have felt very used because it was all about sex a few hours a week and my self esteem would have plummeted and I am worth more than that--even if he didn't think so. He told me that I was the only woman he wanted to have sex with-oh and that was going to make me stay NOT! Mine never backed off...and he CONTACTS me on a weekly basis (he put a note on my car one morning and he lives an hour and a half away!)...but IT IS OVER...there will be no sequel...
Freedom Now Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 My MM didn't stop contacting me for a year after we "split up" and his wife found out about me. I finally, finally pulled the plug for good, but it was a long, drawn out process. He finally has gotten the message. But who knows? I may hear from him again, but there is NO WAY I am ever going back to him. Ever. I never thought I would say this about him, but, I don't even like him anymore.
Kenzo Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 His 3 children are all in their twenties and have flown the nest. This is my biggest fear...he says that if I can hold out until his kids are older...you're (X)guy has kids in his 20's!!!...what held him back, I wonder? If I waited only to find out he still wouldn't leave...I can't even imagine what I'd do. I tried to go the day, today w/o contacting him...he knows how I'm hurting right now, he sent me a text to see if I was ok, I resisted but finally gave in, you know, I felt worse after hearing from him, and at the same time I was relieved that he was thinking about me...what the hell is wrong with me???
Kenzo Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Mine never backed off...and he CONTACTS me on a weekly basis (he put a note on my car one morning and he lives an hour and a half away!)...but IT IS OVER...there will be no sequel... I admire your strength, GEL, I wish I had that in me right now, I imagine myself calling and saying it's over get out of my life...he would find me, whether the situation changes or not, I think he is more attached than I am sometimes. I don't want to take the cowards way out, but it just seems like as the original poster said, he needs to end it with me, for this situation to be satisfied in my own head I need him to do so I know it's final.
woe_is_me Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 nothing wrong with you Kenzo .. i had the same kind of feelings when he called after so long .. it was nice to know he hadn't 'forgotten' me.. And about your situation you sound pretty happy.. and usually when u don't know what to do it's best to do nothing.. Our A sounds a lot like yours did..it really is up to them because you haven't made any demands anyway I do however realise that the A will only go on as for as long as you/i and all us other starry eyed posters let it. There is a LOT to learn from the other posters and without reading and hearing some of it i would be stuffed right now!
Kenzo Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 ...starry eyed... He always says he loves the way I look at him with stars in my eyes! And oddly enough, I am happy, but it's fleeting and bitter-sweet . I know it's wrong, and I know that I can't live my life like this. There is a lot of guilt that comes along with this kind of happiness. Guilt about myself and my lack of ability to focus on anything but him, and mostly guilt about his family--they deserve him to be around more, he belongs to them---not to me!! I do want more...I just want it with him, no one else compares. In "normal" relationships I would have no problem walking away, I wish I'd never met him, that way I could at least think I was still searching for the right guy, now that I've found him I have to deal with never actually having him, and wanting all other guys I meet to be like him. woe_is_me: How long were you two together? Did he ever talk of a future with you?
woe_is_me Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I used to wonder how he could just forget me/erase 12 months of fun, laughter and eveyrthing else we shared.. obviously he couldn't ..hence his call 4 years later.. And i don't know if he and i would or could ever look into anyones eyes the way we did each others .. it still didn't stop the tears when he had to leave sometimes. I tried to be strong but it got too hard in the end.. I can't believe you're saying no one else compares because thats what he said to me ..about us..and in a way he's been right .. i don't/can't find that comfortableness and love we had together with anyone else..! He did work hard to rope me in during the early days though i remember him barely leaving me alone... I know i don't wash his dirty socks or clean a bathroom after him and im aware i don't know what it would be like to live with him at all... He did talk about a future together he used to eye off which of my trees he was going to cut down(over my dead body lol) if he ever came to live here.. but i knew jumping from one fry pan into another wasn't the answer.. I really hoped he was calling to tell me he was no longer married..but he is.. i don't blame him he adores his children and stands to lose a great deal financially.. my first posts explain the situation.. and its been a month today since i last spoke to him. Good Luck with your situation Kenzo .. the uncertainty isn't very easy to live with.. i guess we just have to stay strong!
Guest Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I have just bumped into xmm and I started to walk past him but he caught my arm. He said that as far as he was concerned I had ended the affair. I said "Oh how do you figure that out?". He said when I told him on the phone that I wanted a full and frank discussion and not to show up if he didn't want to talk, he didn't like being spoken to like that. It was like constructive dismissal. Well actually I would have liked the opportunity to talk to him face to face and tell him it was over but he denied me that. It is clear that as he had nothing to offer me (apart from his body once a fortnight), then he didn't see any point in meeting up to be told "good-bye". I ended it because I wanted more according to him. Then he asked if it would be Ok for him to call me! So you see, even though you or him say it is over, it is really only over when you in your heart and mind DO NOT want to go back to the madness and chaos of the affair.
dignityback Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Well, you got your answer. He is puting all the blame for ending the affair back onto you, and then testing you out for the future by asking if he can call you. Bottom line is, that if he had something constructive to say he would have met up with you. He is a conflict avoider and doesn't respect your feelings or he would have showed up and talked things through with you. If he wants a future with you he knows your phone number and your address. He will leave you alone for a while and then try to reel you back in no doubt. He isn't done with this affair yet but, I hope you are.
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