nikki222 Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hi, I need some opinions/advice. Have been with my boyfriend now for about two years. We have a great relationship! We are both in our mid 20's and have talked about marriage. The only problem is he suffers from depression. He has had a very rough late teens/early 20's. He lost 3 members of his immediate family almost all around the same time. Ever since we have been together i have noticed patterns. Every time a date comes around which may remind him of any of his passed away family members he goes into his depression. He pushes me away. It usually lasts a week or so, he cant talk to me or see me. He will say that he "cant handle a relationship right now, i cant be loving and affectionate" which i can understand, after i looked up symptoms of depression. I thought we were making a little progress, two weeks ago he felt his mood coming and sat me down and talked to me about it and told me he wanted to work through it with me. It did not work though. He would be mean, not want to be even 5feet close to me....it just ended up in me leaving and making up an excuse that i had things to do, instead of telling him i just felt he didnt want me around. I left him alone and i think he got scared he was loosing me because i stopped calling. He called me and appologized and wanted things to be back to normal. 2Days went by and now we are back to our old routine "im sorry i just am in the mood where i want to be alone in my room"...i have not spoken with him in days. He is on anti-depressents and has been for a few years now. I tell him he should seek professional help but denys that he needs it. When he is out of his funk, its like he doesnt remember the things he says to me or how he treats me. He will say "im so sorry i was like that with you, i never want to be like that again i love you so much" What i dont understand is why he can still be normal with his guy friends? He can still want to see them and hang out with them and laugh, but with me he cant even see me? I think that maybe it is because he may see me as someone he needs to keep happy? And with his friends if he is feeling not affectionate or loving he doesnt have to pretend with them bc they dont have that type of relationship? I just dont know. I thought depression was wanting to be alone and isloating yourself. its hard for me not to take it personally, even though he keeps saying "please dont take it personal, its not you" I dont understand how you can talk about wanting to marry someone one week and literally the next tell me that you hate your life and dont see yourself ever being happily married? I know this is probably just his depression talking. HELP! has anyone been in this situacion or is dealing with depression that feels this way and can help me?
LoveLace Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be very hard on you. In a sense, his problem is bringing you down with him. Maybe part of him even actually wants it that way, which might explain his behavior, but then he wakes up for a moment and realizes how much he appreciates your being there. You said he lost family members, maybe subconsiously he worries about losing you too? Sometimes people stray from the ones they love the most. However, it isn't fair to take his "moods" out on you and then keep coming back to say he's sorry;..he knows you'll forgive him because you have empathy for him. But no matter what the excuse, a person shouldn't be mean to someone for no reason at all. Has he ever taken medicine for his problem? What about counseling? (sorry if you mentioned that I already forgot!) If not, suggest these things to him. He should know how much this problem is effecting your emotions. Tell him you understand what he's going through, but it could be effecting the state of your relationship, and ask he'd be willing to work on the things that you see as disruptive to the relationship. I don't know if any of this makes sense:sick: but this it seems like a complex situation ya know?
princessa Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I can't really offer any advice about whether you should stick with him or not because I'm kind of biased about that topic.. I'm pretty much dealing with the same thing and I can never figure out whether I should stick around or not.. or when it's time to leave... It's hard for me because I feel that I'm not getting enough out of the relationship, but on the other hand I have so much compassion / love for him that I can't bring myself to leave. Anyway, I just wanted to comment about what you said regarding his buddies.. I don't think you should be taking it personal. It's much easier to put on a happy face in front of friends and acquaintances, and sometimes it even helps to cheer up. When he's with a group of friends they probably don't spend much time talking about his personal issues, which distracts from his problems/depression for a moment. Not that he can't have fun with you, but when he is with you he probably has to deal with more serious thoughts (that get depressing for him) since he's compelled to be genuine around you. I don't know, that's what my guy used to tell me.
Author nikki222 Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 thank you both for your comments. Yes he is on anti-depressents, but no he does not see a counselor....i have tried to talk to him about that in the past and he looks at me like i am the one that is nuts! Its like when he is out of his "funk" he believes he wont go back in it again, and doesnt understand why he was there in the first place. But i am extremly close with his mother and he is acting towards her the same way that he is to me. The two most important (almost only people) in his life....he pushes away. And Princess thank you about your comments about his friend situacion, that is what some of my friends have told me too. I believe, hope that is what is going on too. Becuase you are right, when we are together it is a more open, genuine relationship...not just "hey wanna get a beer and watch some tv"
princessa Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I also found this website yesterday through LS: http://www.depressionfallout.com, they have a message board for people whose SOs are depressed. I don't even know if it applies to me personally cause some of those stories on there are really hardcore, and depressing.. but maybe you can check it out..
Guest Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I'm suffering with depression right now and understand the problems associated with being in a loving relationship at the same time. My gf has often asked how I can seem/appear happy around friends whilst at the same time pushing her away. Depression is a horrible illness and when in the midst of it everything seems pointless. He might be acting fine in front of friends because he feels like he has to be, he can't break done in front of them. Whereas with you and his mum he feels familiar enough with to be his true self and not hide what it is that he is really feeling. Don't take it personally, in a way you should be more worried if he wasn't letting you see the way he was truly feeling.
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 He has to get into therapy and deal with his loss. Losing 3 family members in such a short period of time has really messed him up. He's scared of getting close to people because of it. He's suffered a HUGE loss and is in alot of pain. What i dont understand is why he can still be normal with his guy friends? He can still want to see them and hang out with them and laugh, but with me he cant even see me? Because he isn't intimate with his friends, he's emotionally involved with you, and right now he can't deal with 'feeling' any sort of intimacy...his friends provide him laughter and probably have no expectations of him. He doesn't "feel" for them, what he feels for you. Don't take it personally, he is just isn't in a good frame of mind and can't give alot right now. He may feel pressured inside, feeling like he isn't giving enough to you, and can't deal with having responsibility on him. Be his friend, care for him, but don't expect much. Do nice things for him, try to put a smile on his face...Maybe just let him know that you're there for him and he doesn't have to worry about you leaving him. Definately check out depressionfallout. It could help you alot.
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