dazednnc Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 here is the short story... met gf 3 years ago her 49 me 37 3 boys who think she is "second mom" 3, 5, 7 planning on getting married planning on proposing 2/25/07 separated 1/12/07 reason: coworker who i talked to at night to advise on her separation; no physical; gf sees it as a betrayal of trust from previous physical affair i was stupid enough to have 2 years ago (lasted 1 week). We went out a few times after 1/12 and stopped talking 2/14. We have had some contact since but it has been short and very superficial. i sent flowers for her birthday on 2/26. She thanked me for them Now where am I? I would do anything to rebuild the life we had. She is my best friend, lover and the love of my life. I am looking for advice on what women want in this situation to reconfirm that she is the most important person in my life. I have been in counseling since the breakup to work on me and the reason's I sabotaged my relationship. i know that trust is the major issue now. I know that she still has feelings for me and the boys, after 3 years she wouldn't be able to turn them off. My next thought is to send her a nice card blank on the inside saying; honey, I'm not sure why this took this crisis for me to change, but i was foolih. It did, however make me see some ugly things inside myself that I am working on. It also clarified for me what i really value most: you. any insight you ladies can offer I will respond to. She means the world to me and I would swim oceans or climb mountains to fight for her!
taylor Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I'm confused. Your girlfriend who is 49 years old ended a 3-year relationship with you because you were talking to a co-worker? There has to be more to this story. You cheated once. She thinks you did it again. She doesn't trust you. She doesn't need someone to swim oceans or climb mountains. She only needs someone she can trust to be honest with her and faithful to her. My guess is you failed to prove that to her. Instead of wondering how to win her back, maybe you should focus on why this woman may not be "enough" for you. It's OK if she isn't. The worst thing you can do is tell her she is "your everything" but know in your heart that she really isn't. Is there something missing in your relationship with her? Is there a need you have that she can't fulfill? You cheated on her before. Why? Do those reasons still exist? Be brutally honest with yourself. Then you can be honest with her. You owe her that much. Forget the cards, flowers, and the sweet talk. It's all window dressing. She won't buy it. She's 49, not 19.
sb129 Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Three cheers to Taylor! I agree man, there has gotta be more to it. Sounds like you blew it dude. Funny how hindsight is always 20/20. I took my b*stard ex back THREE times after various empty promises etc. He wasn't a cheater, but a man who loved to emotionally abuse me. I shouldn't have taken him back the first time. Sorry, I know you are hurting, and you obviously do care, but hounding her is NOT going to win her back.
Jinxx Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Here is a different point of view -- she is 49. Your youngest is 3. You are 37. Does she have children of her own? I am assuming she does and they are older. Even though she is "second mom", she might not be ready for the commitment that goes along with it. She'll be 64 by the time the youngest is an adult. Your PA was two years ago. Plenty of time to rebuild trust. I think there are other unlying issues other than the affair.
taylor Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Jinxx, The man admitted he "sabotaged" the relationship. He said he "sees ugly things inside himself he needs to work on." He called their situation a "crisis." He is sending cards and flowers to make up to her. We will just have to wait to hear from the OP. But is doesn't sound to me like it has anything to do with a 3-year-old child. I think if she was totally against the idea of "becoming" a mom to small children again, she never would have gotten involved with this man in the first place or stayed with him for 3 years; nor would she have warmed up to the children to the point where they consider her "second mommy." But, of course, only he knows the real story...
Jinxx Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Jinxx, The man admitted he "sabotaged" the relationship. He said he "sees ugly things inside himself he needs to work on." He called their situation a "crisis." He is sending cards and flowers to make up to her. We will just have to wait to hear from the OP. But is doesn't sound to me like it has anything to do with a 3-year-old child. I think if she was totally against the idea of "becoming" a mom to small children again, she never would have gotten involved with this man in the first place or stayed with him for 3 years; nor would she have warmed up to the children to the point where they consider her "second mommy." But, of course, only he knows the real story... Yes, I understand he "sabotaged" the relationship and she probably feels smothered by his his card and flower sending, etc. Still.... why did she stay for two more years after his affair? I agree there is more too it, there always is. Speaking from my own past experience as a middle aged woman, I was just trying to give another point of view. I've been the stepmother and the STBEX's boys are both adults now. At my age, I wouldn't want to do the stepmother thing again unless the kids are grown and out the house. She probably adores the children but perhaps realizes that marriage in a situation like this (including the trust issues) is probably not in her best interest.
Trialbyfire Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 The man admitted he "sabotaged" the relationship. He said he "sees ugly things inside himself he needs to work on." He called their situation a "crisis." He is sending cards and flowers to make up to her. Dead on taylor. It will take a helluva' lot more than that, lol.
Author dazednnc Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 wow, not what i was hoping for....sounds like a bash session for the SOB who screwed up. i came here hoping for a listening audience, hoping for a few suggestions that i could use for hope that I could reconcile with the woman i love. not quick fixes, i know they don't exist, just baby steps. I am not sending flowers and cards to make up. i sent flowers for her birthday and want to send a card to begin expressing my remorse and acknowledge my culpability in this. do i know there are problems in my life and character that need to be resolved before i could ever expect here to be willing to extend her trust again - YES. do i understand and validate the way she feels - YES. do i see how my lack of judgement in this situation has hurt my family - YES. Am i willing to sit by and do nothing now - NO! i would rather look like a fool doing everything i can than look like a fool doing nothing.
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Hi dazednnc, I am sorry if you feel you are being bashed and judged. Certainly that is not anyone's intention here. We do want to lend a listening ear and offer some insight or constructive suggestions. However... We are not sure you are telling us the whole story.. We are skeptical. We are trying to put the pieces together. But the little that you have told us doesn't make sense - not at your age. Until we know all the facts, we can't even begin to respond effectively to your request. I personally am confused as to why a middle-aged woman would end a 3-year relationship because you TALKED to a coworker. If you were both 16 years old and she saw you talking to a female classmate at the lockers I could see her getting upset and jealous and would blame it on immaturity and hormones. But you and she are not a couple of teenagers. Why would she break off your relationship because you talked to a coworker???? Is there more to this story??? Is the coworker beautiful, outgoing, flirtatious? Have you hugged or kissed the coworker? Does the coworker call you at home or have very lengthy conversations with you?? Does the coworker seem interested in you and your girlfriend senses it??? It's a huge assumption on my part and I apologize if I am way off the mark, but it sounds like you may have gotten somewhat involved with this coworker (sex or no sex) and in your girlfriend's eyes, you crossed the line. Yes/No???? You tell us. We don't know. If you cheated or you if you have some romantic interest or emotional attachment to this coworker, we certainly aren't going to chastise or judge you for that. There are plenty of people on this forum who have struggled with infidelity problems and the associated guilt. There are also those who struggle with emotional confusion - love someone but also have feelings for someone else...care for someone but are no longer in love with that person.... Feelings aren't right or wrong. They are just feelings. No one can or should judge you for feelings that you have. Advise: If your girlfriend is upset just because you talked to a co-worker, then I would say she is overreacting and behaving like the afore-mentioned jealous, immature 16 year old. In that case, stop talking to the co-worker so that she no longer becomes a source of friction in your relationship with your girlfriend. I am sure there are other coworkers you can talk to. You don't need to talk to that particular one. Under any other circumstances I would say you have every right to talk to any coworker you want to. But in your case, where you are trying to build trust following an indiscretion, you need to stay as far away from anything that even looks like a potential for infidelity. But, if you are somehow "involved" with this coworker and your girlfriend isn't sure whether you crossed the line or not - or doesn't trust that you didn't already cross the line - there isn't much you can do. If she doesn't trust you, she doesn't trust you. It takes a long time to rebuild trust. Any time you put yourself in a position to have your trust questioned, you throw a wrench in the trust-building process. And you have to start all over again. She may not be willing to give you another chance. She may not be willing to deal with her suspicions anymore. The ball is in her court. There is not much you can say or do. You can tell her you love her but she already knows that. She needs to know you are committed to her. You can TELL HER "you changed" till the cows come home. It's not going to make a bit of difference. You have to SHOW HER you changed. You have to stay out of situations where she might question your fidelity. The minute you "talk" to a flirty coworker, the minute you come home an hour late, the minute you tell her you're going out for a drink - she is going to suspect you are up to no good. If you want to rebuild trust, you are going to have to act like - no - you are going to have to BE a saintly little choir boy. Yes, it sounds excessive, but she is ultra-sensitive now to your behavior and skeptical of your every move. It's just how a person feels after they have been betrayed. If you did in fact cheat with this coworker, then my advise to you still stands as I stated in my first post: Rather than focusing on winning her back, you need to step back and do some self-reflection. You need to figure out why you are motivated to cheat with other women. You need to figure out why you can't commit to this particular woman 100 percent. Honest answers to those questions will go a long way to resolve issues in your relationship. (Resolve does not necessarily mean reconcile) I'm sorry but I can't give you any "hope" for a reconciliation. I am not even sure if a reconciliation is in her best interest, or yours. And I don't think you or your girlfriend will "know" if a reconciliation is right for each of you, either - not until you take a good look at yourself in the mirror first. She also needs to take a good look at herself in the mirror, too. Can she ever learn to trust you again? Rebuilding faith in a person that hurt you and broke your trust can be a difficult thing to do. Some can overcome betrayal. Others can't, no matter how hard they try. You have a huge challenge before you. I wish you all the best.
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