He's cheatin, how do I bust him without telling I snooped?

March 8, 2007

My bf is cheating on me.

We've been dating for over a year, but 3 months into it, I found out he was still seeing his ex. Big huge fight, I broke up with him, and then he came back and told me he broke up with her. I took him back. Stupid me.

He's been a great boyfriend. Really. We spend a lot of time together, he calls often, buys me gifts and sends flowers on Valentine's Day. We laugh, we talk, we play, we have great sex.

Today he tells me he's going on vacation in a couple of weeks. To stay with his friends in Colorado to go skiing. This guy is not a skiier, so that made me suspicious, but I know he has a good friend out there and he does visit them and stays with his family a lot.

Still. I was suspicious. I'm not proud of this, but I was thinking he might use the same password for more than one account, and I had his airline frequent flyer number from a trip we took last year, so I looked up his airline on the off-chance I could get into the account, and on the off-chance he was flying with them. And dammit, if I didn't get in and find out what lying, cheating, bastard he is. He's not going skiing with his guy friend. He's going to Mexico with his ex. Both their names, right there on the reservation, heading for the sunny sands and sea of Mexico.

And then I figured the same trick might work with his cell phone account. Yup, it worked. Call after call to and from his ex. Or should I say his other girlfriend, definitely not the ex.

WTF is wrong with people that they have to lie and cheat?

(People, DO NOT use your pet's name as a password for all your accounts if you don't want to get caught cheating!)

So now I don't know what to do. Breaking up with him is a priority, of course. But I don't want to tell him how I found out about the trip. Can anyone think of way to tell him I know he's lying and cheating without revealing that I broke into his accounts?

And I really want to tell his other girlfirend because I'm sure she doesn't know about me. She didn't know that he had started seeing me before he broke up with her, if he ever actually broke up with her at all! But I should probably stay out of that, shouldn't I?

March 8, 2007

What a bastard!!! I'm sorry to hear all this but you certainly deserve better!!!

If i were in your shoes...I would take her number from his phone records and call her and tell her. She deserves to know too. Be calm and explain you have been dating him for a year and that he told you that he broke up with her. Tell her he said he was going to Colorodo to see a friend and you learned differently.

As for him...dont tell him how you know. Just say " I know you are going away with your ex, i know you are still seeing her, and i know i deserve WAY better than a low loser like you." Then walk away.

There is no explanation for this, so try not to give him the chance to tell you his 'side'.

I wish you luck, go find someone who deserves you!!!

March 8, 2007

oh my... I was in a similar situation where my now ex had a whole nother life with his "so called ex". She ended up locating him at my house by the GPS tracking on THEIR truck parked in my driveway. She was able to confront him, sadly standing there in only a pair of boxer shorts, I've never seen anyone so pale in my life as a man caught right there in the act. But I got to witness the whole thing, and was in shock for months afterwards...

If you want to go out in a blaze... show up at the airport to wish him/them a "safe trip".

March 8, 2007

There are some good suggestions here like calling the supposed ex. She deserves to know too. I also find the idea of showing up at the airport wickedly funny.

Your guy is an absolutely selfish jerk. I do know how you feel. If you want to take a more proactive approach, I wouldn't deny snooping. Why bother? He's already cheated on you once so you have good reason for your mistrust. Be upfront and explain to him how you found out and send him on his way. A guy like that isn't worth the additional time, pain, consideration and energy. If anything, be thankful you've found out now versus the possibility of something more committed in the future.

March 8, 2007

Guess it depends on what you want to come of it. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but they sure do you let you get away with some stuff. In other words, he cheated, so I think its perfectly fair that you snooped to find out. And its not like it was random suspicion, so more points for you for being some intuitive and seeing the thing for what it really is. However if you don't want to go that way, the best thing to do would be just to break up with him on the grounds that you can't trust him, explain why. Call the ex before hand, but beware...it sounds like, based on what you said, that she might actually know about you and the relationship is content in her role. It doesn't sound like hes keeping you both blind if hes that sloppy.

March 8, 2007

She didn't know that he had started seeing me before he broke up with her, if he ever actually broke up with her at all!

So he cheated on his ex with you, and now he's cheating on you with his ex??

Well, he may be fickle when it comes to the ladies … but his relationship game is certainly consistent!

I think this time around, a little honesty is probably the best way to go. Sure, he might feel insulted that you invaded his privacy. But if you intend to end your relationship with him anyway, what real consequence is there?

If it were me, rather than rehearsing some phony excuse as to why I wanted to end the relationship … I'd present him with the evidence of what I found and let the "facts" do the explaining for me. He wouldn't be able to argue my position, invent more lies, or claim that my suspicions were unfounded as a result of insecurity or paranoia. Besides, I'd feel hypocritical if I were calling someone to task on their indiscretions if I weren't willing to first own up to my own.

As far as sharing information and comparing notes with the other gal, that's totally up to you. But if *I* were to do it, it would be after I gave him the boot as part of my exit strategy rather than a means to warn off the competition so I could keep my BIGGEST relationship problem hanging around. However, I wouldn't be surprised at all to discover that she already knew and decided that turn around was fair play … OR at the end of the day it really doesn't amount to much in terms of their friendship/relationship since you are breaking up with him, anyway. He's likely to smooth over his situation with you the same way he explained his relationship with her when the two of you first met.

So … is this player's game really that good ??? :confused:

March 8, 2007

I wonder how exactly he planned to explain away his tan lines when he got back?

I don't think you owe him any explanation about how you found out. Just tell him you know he's lying about the trip and you know he's still seeing his ex. He may deny, but just keep repeating yourself and don't elaborate: "I know you're lying and you're not going to Colorado, I know you're going on a trip with your ex and that you're still seeing her." He may crack under your certainty, and he might admit it. Or he might ask how you know, smile at him and say you guessed...and he just confirmed it for you.

You can always ask to see his itinerary. If he had nothing to hide, surely he would want to put your mind at ease. When he starts to hem and haw, then you can tell him you know there's no reason he wouldn't show it to you except that he can't because he doesn't have one. Or perhaps you can offer to give him a ride to/from the airport.

As for the other girl, I think it would be hilarious if you showed up at the airport. But I have a feeling it would hurt you to see them together like that, all giddy about their little vacation.

Whatever you do, go out with class.

Or, if you don't want to go out with class...cancel their flight reservations online after you know they're on their way to the airport...

March 8, 2007

What a bastard!!! I'm sorry to hear all this but you certainly deserve better!!!

If i were in your shoes...I would take her number from his phone records and call her and tell her. She deserves to know too. Be calm and explain you have been dating him for a year and that he told you that he broke up with her. Tell her he said he was going to Colorodo to see a friend and you learned differently.

As for him...dont tell him how you know. Just say " I know you are going away with your ex, i know you are still seeing her, and i know i deserve WAY better than a low loser like you." Then walk away.

There is no explanation for this, so try not to give him the chance to tell you his 'side'.

I wish you luck, go find someone who deserves you!!!

Thank you!

I don't really want to talk to her. It seems like such a soap opera drama thing to do.

We had already planned to see each other tomorrow night, and he's coming over to my place. So I can't just walk away. More like kick him out.

March 8, 2007

oh my... I was in a similar situation where my now ex had a whole nother life with his "so called ex". She ended up locating him at my house by the GPS tracking on THEIR truck parked in my driveway. She was able to confront him, sadly standing there in only a pair of boxer shorts, I've never seen anyone so pale in my life as a man caught right there in the act. But I got to witness the whole thing, and was in shock for months afterwards...

If you want to go out in a blaze... show up at the airport to wish him/them a "safe trip".

OMG that's funny. Didn't he know they had GPS and she could find him that way? I can't imagine how you must have felt!

I wish I were the kind of person who would create a scene like that at the airport! But I'm not. Has anyone ever done something like that? Does it feel satsifying?

March 8, 2007

There are some good suggestions here like calling the supposed ex. She deserves to know too. I also find the idea of showing up at the airport wickedly funny.

Your guy is an absolutely selfish jerk. I do know how you feel. If you want to take a more proactive approach, I wouldn't deny snooping. Why bother? He's already cheated on you once so you have good reason for your mistrust. Be upfront and explain to him how you found out and send him on his way. A guy like that isn't worth the additional time, pain, consideration and energy. If anything, be thankful you've found out now versus the possibility of something more committed in the future.

I wouldn't care about telling him, except I don't want the conversation then to be all about the snooping. I don't want to have to defend myself. Besides, isn't what I did illegal?

March 8, 2007

Guess it depends on what you want to come of it. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but they sure do you let you get away with some stuff. In other words, he cheated, so I think its perfectly fair that you snooped to find out. And its not like it was random suspicion, so more points for you for being some intuitive and seeing the thing for what it really is. However if you don't want to go that way, the best thing to do would be just to break up with him on the grounds that you can't trust him, explain why. Call the ex before hand, but beware...it sounds like, based on what you said, that she might actually know about you and the relationship is content in her role. It doesn't sound like hes keeping you both blind if hes that sloppy.

I want to confront him about the cheating. I want him to know I think he's a jerk for doing what he's been doing.

I guess it's possible she might already know. But we don't have any friends in common and I just don't see him being honest with her about it.

Anyway, this whole thing is making my stomach hurt and I don't want to go through the stress of talking to her whether she knows or not.

March 8, 2007

So he cheated on his ex with you, and now he's cheating on you with his ex??

Well, he may be fickle when it comes to the ladies … but his relationship game is certainly consistent!

I think this time around, a little honesty is probably the best way to go. Sure, he might feel insulted that you invaded his privacy. But if you intend to end your relationship with him anyway, what real consequence is there?

If it were me, rather than rehearsing some phony excuse as to why I wanted to end the relationship … I'd present him with the evidence of what I found and let the "facts" do the explaining for me. He wouldn't be able to argue my position, invent more lies, or claim that my suspicions were unfounded as a result of insecurity or paranoia. Besides, I'd feel hypocritical if I were calling someone to task on their indiscretions if I weren't willing to first own up to my own.

As far as sharing information and comparing notes with the other gal, that's totally up to you. But if *I* were to do it, it would be after I gave him the boot as part of my exit strategy rather than a means to warn off the competition so I could keep my BIGGEST relationship problem hanging around. However, I wouldn't be surprised at all to discover that she already knew and decided that turn around was fair play … OR at the end of the day it really doesn't amount to much in terms of their friendship/relationship since you are breaking up with him, anyway. He's likely to smooth over his situation with you the same way he explained his relationship with her when the two of you first met.

So … is this player's game really that good ??? :confused:

I don't want to warn off the competition and try to keep him. He lied to me. He's been lying to me while telling me he loves me. He made up a big huge lie just so he could go off on vacation with somebody else. He's f---ing somebody else and may have been this whole time. The thought of being with him leaves me cold, although I'm hot enough about this to want to cut his d--k off.

If I told her it would be because she might not know what a jerk he is. Yeah, I'd like it if she dumped him too, so he's left high and dry. He needs to see that he can't just go around lying to women all the time without ever having any consequences. But that wouldn't change anything for me.

Is his game that good. Sure. He's charming and smart and sexy and treats women well. He's thoughtful and a great listener. Loves his dog. His momma taught him good manners. Except for this one thing about cheating and leading a double life and lying to people who care about him.

March 8, 2007

I wonder how exactly he planned to explain away his tan lines when he got back?

I don't think you owe him any explanation about how you found out. Just tell him you know he's lying about the trip and you know he's still seeing his ex. He may deny, but just keep repeating yourself and don't elaborate: "I know you're lying and you're not going to Colorado, I know you're going on a trip with your ex and that you're still seeing her." He may crack under your certainty, and he might admit it. Or he might ask how you know, smile at him and say you guessed...and he just confirmed it for you.

You can always ask to see his itinerary. If he had nothing to hide, surely he would want to put your mind at ease. When he starts to hem and haw, then you can tell him you know there's no reason he wouldn't show it to you except that he can't because he doesn't have one. Or perhaps you can offer to give him a ride to/from the airport.

As for the other girl, I think it would be hilarious if you showed up at the airport. But I have a feeling it would hurt you to see them together like that, all giddy about their little vacation.

Whatever you do, go out with class.

Or, if you don't want to go out with class...cancel their flight reservations online after you know they're on their way to the airport...

Ha! Good point about the tan lines. Maybe he planned to use SPF 45,000 or something.

And you're right. I don't want to see them together. I just want to stop crying. I fell in love with him. I have such a hard time thinking that this man who was really sweet and wonderful to me could be such a cold heartless jerk to me at the same time.

The itinerary thing is a good idea. But I don't know how calm I can stay to go through the pretend innocent questioning. I think when he gets here tomorrow it will be all I can do not to start crying. So maybe I should keep it short and just tell him I know and I think he's a pig for doing this, and it's time for him to go.

Canceling his flight is a fun thought. So is canceling his hotel. I think I know where he's staying. He's been there before and talked about how much he likes this one hotel. I wish I could be a raging drama queen right now, but I'm mostly numb.

March 8, 2007

OMG that's funny. Didn't he know they had GPS and she could find him that way? I can't imagine how you must have felt!

I wish I were the kind of person who would create a scene like that at the airport! But I'm not. Has anyone ever done something like that? Does it feel satsifying?

She told him she didn't renew it apparently... she knew he was up to something... only took her 2 years to figure it out though, he stayed with me 4 nights week... on the flip side, I had no clue either, since he was staying with me 4 nights a week... oh well live and learn... the hard way I guess

yea I couldn't do it either, but I was hoping to live vicariously through you it's a great "movie scene" though. Although I like the cancellation idea too. the other girl did that to my ex, she paid for him to go to CO with his son (it was already in the works the following week before she busted him) and then when he was there, she closed out their joint account and canceled he and his kid's flight home. so they were stranded. He had said she was a biatch and that was why he "broke up" with her... man he wasn't kidding, she was evil, although I was enjoying it from my end too, since we were both scorned.

Personally, I would just tell him flat out that I know that he's with her and tell him everything you find out... and move on... I hate that you hurting, but better you find out now then later...

March 8, 2007

I hate that you hurting, but better you find out now then later...

I know it's better to find out now. But it hurts so much anyway. Why am I so heartbroken even though I know he's a jerk? I want him to hurt so bad! If losing me him just one tenth of how much this is hurting me, I might feel better. But he's got a great vacation and another woman to take the edge off, even if he were capable of any true feelings.

March 8, 2007

I'd insist on helping him pack for the trip and then take him to the airport. Does he have his own skis? If so make sure he packs them as well and walk him to the check in counter and make sure he checks his skis.

March 8, 2007

I'm not sure why you would tell him or his other woman anything. If I were in that situation, I'd simply put all of his stuff in a bag, dump it on his doorstep to find when he gets home and leave him a voicemail telling him the relationship is over and to never contact me again. He won't need an explanation, I'm sure.

March 8, 2007

I'm not sure why you would tell him or his other woman anything. If I were in that situation, I'd simply put all of his stuff in a bag, dump it on his doorstep to find when he gets home and leave him a voicemail telling him the relationship is over and to never contact me again. He won't need an explanation, I'm sure.

I agree. You do not need to tell him anything. You know he is cheating, you have the proof, so I would just break things off with him period.

March 8, 2007

And you're right. I don't want to see them together. I just want to stop crying. I fell in love with him. I have such a hard time thinking that this man who was really sweet and wonderful to me could be such a cold heartless jerk to me at the same time.

My guess is that he's one of those chronic cheaters. They have an ability to compartmentalize their lives in their own minds and selfishly don't consider who they might hurt in the process. Those people never change, unfortunately, unless they recognize how messed up they are and seek help to figure out why.

If you can find it within yourself to pity him because he truly is a messed up person inside, maybe it would give you a little peace.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but you will eventually feel better. Time really does heal.

March 8, 2007

I know it's better to find out now. But it hurts so much anyway. Why am I so heartbroken even though I know he's a jerk? I want him to hurt so bad! If losing me him just one tenth of how much this is hurting me, I might feel better. But he's got a great vacation and another woman to take the edge off, even if he were capable of any true feelings.

I don't think someone like him is truly capable of feeling joy in his heart, the kind that comes from having love in his live and giving love. Women may come and go throughout his life, and he may enjoy having them around for a while, but inside, he is empty.

March 8, 2007

While NJs post is the most compassionate, I truly have been LOL re: "gettting him back" scenarios.

Guestie, you sound pretty rational, which is great.

Maybe you should cook him burritos to see if he gets the hint....

He is a worm, and I wouldn't feel bad about snooping.

But you do need to DUMP his ass, ASAP. How you do it is up to you..... but there are some truly great suggestions here. All great stories for your future grandchildren!

March 8, 2007

I wouldn't care about telling him, except I don't want the conversation then to be all about the snooping. I don't want to have to defend myself. Besides, isn't what I did illegal?

Ah, okay, now I understand your concern.

Then tell him you no longer trust him and don't want to continue your relationship. If he tries to get you to defend your stance, tell him you know that he's still with his ex, no other explanations necessary.

I do understand wanting to stay with a cheater. Your feelings for them don't stop the minute you find out. Sometimes it can be so debilitating and seem so unfair. The problem with women like us is that we want to keep that golden image of them. The sad reality is that the person we thought we were having a relationship with, really doesn't exist. It's almost like they've created this person to be who and what you want, so of course you still care.

March 9, 2007

First let me say, I'm so sorry, you seem like a nice person and please don't let this ass ruin your view on us decent men.

You should insist on going to Colorado with him or even better, you were going to surprise him by meeting him there the next day. Don't forget to mention that his friends all know he's coming up and everything!

Oooooh, make sure he knows you already booked your ticket.

March 9, 2007

Dear Guest~

What a predicament! I am sorry for the hurt you are going through right now, but know this: Sadness has a way of refining us, and making us all the better just for going through it. Defines the character.

I agree with NoraJane, whatever you do, do it with class.

As far as the illegal factor, I wouldnt worry too much about that. You were in possession of his password, and if it came down to legal matters, you can simply say that he himself gave you his password to check on his flight information, and also to pay his cellphone bill. A complete lie, but then again, his side of the street is not exactly squeaky clean.

Here is what I would do. I would gather all of the information together, the phone bill, the flight information, etc. Then, put it in a 8x11 envelope, wrap that envelope in a sweater box, complete with tissue paper, wrapping and bows. The night that you see him (tonight?), take him out to eat at a nice restaurant, and at the ideal moment, present him with his "gift". Sit back and watch as his smile goes to a frown in 2 minutes or less.

Make a comment about how the gift says it all, collect your things and walk out the door.

(As for the grand finale, If you absolutely wish to let the other women know, you could have excused yourself to the ladies room, (before the present exchange) and made a brief phone call to the other woman. You dont even have to identify yourself, you could simply state "If you want to know what your boyfriend is up to, come to (insert restaurant name here) and find out"...and hang up. Brief and to the point)

March 9, 2007

i like the idea of making him Mexican food EVERYDAY until he leaves maybe even churros for breakfast ... not saying a word to him about his trip... he' s not even worth wasting words on - he'll certainly just try to lie his way out of it - again...

when he returns make sure there is NO WAY for him to reach you - by changing the locks and your phone number, e-mail, etc....

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He's cheatin, how do I bust him without telling I snooped?

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