guest Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I think im in love with the guy i lost my virginity to 3 years ago. His name was Micheal, he was my first everything really. I had known him as a kid, always had good memories of him, so when i saw him again, i had stars in my eyes. Things didnt work out. I dont know if he was embarassed cause i was 5 years younger than him or i wasnt a good girlfriend, but i had to deal with the fact that he couldnt ever love me and didn't want to. So i let him go, and didnt speak to him for a whole year, but always held out hope that we would one day be together again, so i would only save myself for him. I could be anyday i see him again i thought. I didnt mind having only 1 guy on my list, when this started i was ready to be someones girlfriend for the first time, i was excited that a guy i thought matched everything i wanted finally liked me back, and i didnt really think i could like anyone before he came along, i was pretty picky and afraid of boys before he kissed me one night when i was sleeping on his couch. But sadly the kissing (the honeymoon stage), it turned into unromantic sex within 5 months and arguing on why i wasnt good enough...sometimes i do think it WAS really me. Maybe i'm just disgusting when i dont try as hard...but i didnt think i was THAT bad to start jugding every little thing about me. So i had to let him go before i feel in love...little did i know i already was, and still am I thought it might've been because i never had had sex with anyone else, but last summer after a year of not having any sort of relationship with any guy, i finally did it with someone else.... i tried. iIreally did, but i realized that you cant force love just to get over someone else, in the back of my mind, i realized i was doing it because of him, so it didnt bother me when he cheated on me, i was going to let him go soon anyways he had just made less awkward for me. But i always had micheal in the back of my mind no matter what, even if i didnt want to think about him he was still there. About a month ago he found me on this popular databased website, i found out he had a gf, i didnt think anything of it, there he was and it was okay, i just hadnt seen his face in 3 years...it gave me a little strange feeling but i just brushed it off as intial shock of seeing him up to date. So oneday i get an email from him...okay, it was nice, nothing i wanted to hear, but at least it was something (i didnt want to be the 1st to email), as usually we were both smart ass to each other, but in a good way (and it still managed to get under my skin wondering if he really ment something mean he mightve said). So a couple weeks and emails later, my cousin invites him to party...he bring his girlfriend...i was too drunk at the time and didnt even see him. So the next day his friend Robert asks my friend Richelle and i to come chill with him and micheal. After a whole week of worrying about it i say yes, i told myself i was doing to to get over him, but really was i? When richelle knocked on the door i wanted to run, and no more the sooner he opened the door and looked right at me i wanted to die. There he was in the flesh...OH ****TTT. Suddenly i was worried about looking tough rather than calm and honest. I put on my attitude instead of coming off friendly and over it...i teased instead of giggle...all this simply because i was nervous. Well to wrap it up....he left to pick up his girlfriend and didnt come back. It bothers me that even though no matter what my friends say i think shes gorgeous. I havent heard from him since. And i miss him and i think i want him back. I justwant to be the one he falls in love with. I just wanted to be the one who got over it...why cant i just get over it?
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