boshemia Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Everyone has a parenting philosophy whether they realize it or not. Some come from the more liberal school of parenting (Do unto others), Some come from a more strict (Do as I say) school of thought, some like to stay in between the two. I describe my parenting philosophy as "Real World" Parenting. I choose discipline methods as they apply in the adult world. It dawned on me early on that I wasn't really raising children at all... I have 20 years to raise an adult that will have a place in the adult world for another 60 to 80 years. As an adult you are usually required to take personal responsibility for damage you have done. Grounding is equal to jail time, They are required to either pay for damages or do community service to make amends. Above all I respect my children, and I try to set a good example for them by taking responsibility for my own actions as well. I think a lot of my philosophies as a parent came from knowing I didn't want to make the same mistakes as my parents did. What school of parenting do you come from, and how much of it did you bring with you from your own childhood? PS, no judgement here... I was just curious, and if you don't have kids yet, you can tell me what you think your philosophy will be.
luvtoto Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 What school of parenting do you come from, and how much of it did you bring with you from your own childhood? I've learned to let go of my past guilt in order to be a better parent to my kids. For instance, how is it going to help my daughter if I give her too many breaks in life growing up, because of the mistakes I've made in her upbringing? My need to overcompensate will not help her. These so called "breaks" is not what my daughter needs. All it has done for her so far, is teach her how to be controlling & manipulative. In the "Real World", she will carry those skills into adulthood. Nobody is going to know her past..or care for that matter. All they will see is her behavior. I am doing my best to not allow my childhood to run my life now. It's the past, and I can't use it as a crutch. I am responsible for myself, and my own actions. My daughter will inevitably be responsible for all her choices and behavior in about five years. So, that the parenting approach I am taking with her now. I've learned to put my daughter's behavior problems back onto her. Her making a bad choice. Her having bad behavior. Her, then, getting a consequence. Simple as that. I am no longer allowing my emotions to be in charge of my parenting. Call it "disconnecting", if you will.
Ariadne Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Hi, My philosophy of parenting is respecting my son as an individual, never contradicting him, respecting his choices, total understanding, and being always on his side. (Never punishing him, grounding him, none of that either) Ariadne
riobikini Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I think -if you're really looking- as your children go through the natural stages of human development, you can see -early on- a hint of where they might "fit" into society, later on (whether they love sports, painting/drawing, "people" contact, etc.) And if those things are so important to them that they cling to them through the years and they offer great, and positive return possibilities, you devote more and more concentrated efforts on encouraging them. But it's the "other" behavior traits and characteristics, "bents" and "lean-towards" -the negative ones- the ones you start noticing that you realize could, sooner or later, give them problems -or make things very difficult for them to live in society- that will always be the things you worry about most, and the ones you'll most likely go "head-to-head" over in trying to help them refashion or transform them into much more "usable" skills/talents or behaviors, or minimize, or even stamp out. And that's, usually, when the going gets tough for parents. Some of that -both the positive and the negative- may only be a part of whatever stage of development they happen to be in -but it's the not-so-positive stuff that lingers and becomes negative behavior patterns that makes me really pull out my thinking cap in trying to figure out the best way -or ways- to handle them. I, myself, was a hardheaded, stubborn, and intensely independent child (Smile) -it contributed to both miserable, humiliating (and just plain dumb) failures, as well as amazingly positive results. So, it's always best to consider what "bad" traits and behavior are best to allow to remain and transform them with treatment that hones them into "positives" -rather than chuck the baby out with the bath, just because it *appears* negative. I'm a true believer in the phenomenal transformation of bad into good with many things. But rules do apply. For Instance: If you know you have a family history of addictions (any type) -it's best to gather info on how to prevent, treat, or handle situations that might encourage them to appear. But a child who experiences drug addiction may just surprise you -clean up- and later on, become an amazing drug counselor for kids. Certain obstacles can become stepping stones. No one -no parent alive- can cover all the bases, or totally prepare the way for their child and hand them a life free of pain and obstacles in a perfectly-wrapped package. Fact is -they need pain and obstacles- as horrifying as that sounds. Explaination: some types of pain, and particular obstacles that create challenge, inspire effort, and require use of both emotional and physical resources produce ultra-valuable experiences that no parent can teach. But it's the "being there" throughout these "trials" that is so important. Even if you offer some lame-sounding advice, or even give the wrong advice -it's your *presence* that will be remembered -and appreciated. Maybe, your child won't *say* he/she appreciates it right then -but you can be certain that appreciation is there and will be compelled to announce itself later. Where does punishment enter into the picture? I think the concentration of consequences for negative behavior and negative thinking naturally carry their own punishment in all societies -but a dutiful parent who truly loves his child will make every effort to clarify the "rules" expected in whatever society the child might grow up in -and enforce them with enough reward-and-punsihment to cause him to recognize -and appreciate- the importance of taking on the responsibility of following them. The emphasis of the "rules" vary in intensity from parent to parent -and certain ones may be selcted over others as most important, and I think as much as we may want to break our own patterns and appear unbiased, our personal experiences never truly allow that; we choose areas of concentration, perhaps, sometimes, unaware. We (parents) are simply using our experience, our intelligence, and putting it to the best use we know. It's only wrong when we use it to live our lives over again through our children who have not lived, so far, through their own experiences -and in their own lives. When we've never broken quite free of the "negatives" in our own lives, nor confronted and resolved our past experiences and issues, we can certainly go "overboard" with preventive advice and consequences for perceived "negatives" in our children. As for my own children -they are probably not so different from the rest: they've had to suffer through the "fallout" of some of my worst misconceptions about what a good parent should be, or teach. Overall, I'd say I did (and continue to do) OK. But if you asked my children -especially, the older ones- they'd say I did better than OK. (Smile) In closing -no matter what the circumstances, or the problem(s) concerning you and your children- the most important thing is that you just love each other through everything. That'll get you over the biggest, most intimidating mountains in your lives. -Rio
2sunny Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 my approach is to be fair - but firm... and consistent! i always listen to them and ALWAYS encourage them to tell me the truth... which it seems that they do - they are 15 and 17. they tell me things they would never tell my husband.... i do see it as a means of them wanting a bit of guidance when they tell me some of their stories or predicaments or friend situations.
a4a Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I think the real way is to provide TV and Video games 24/7 and tell kids "don't do as I do, do what I say" Of course some childrens Nyquil is a helpful tool as well. :p I see quite a bit of philosophy but so few actually put it into actions.
coco_milkshake Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I dont have children yet but my philosophy would be not to control them like my parents have done to me. Yeah I would have boundaries but I wouldnt come down on them like a ton of bricks if they did something wrong. I would want to be friends with my child but still have that balance of being a parent. I want them to live and see the world through their eyes. Every person will make mistakes and so will they but I would teach them to learn from it and move on. I will stick by my children and never kill their self esteem or self worth like my mum does to me which has left me messed up. My love for them would be unconditional - something I thought I had but realised it was the opposite last year when I had a boyfriend and they were against it - the whole "live our way or the high way" - I wouldnt put my child through that. If I was to choose between my culture and my child's happiness - I would choose my child everytime without a second thought - pity my parents couldnt do that for me.
luvtoto Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 But it's the "other" behavior traits and characteristics, "bents" and "lean-towards" -the negative ones- the ones you start noticing that you realize could, sooner or later, give them problems -or make things very difficult for them to live in society- that will always be the things you worry about most, and the ones you'll most likely go "head-to-head" over in trying to help them refashion or transform them into much more "usable" skills/talents or behaviors, or minimize, or even stamp out. And that's, usually, when the going gets tough for parents. Rio, you made some very good points, which sparked my response. My daughter has *learned* her father's temper, and addictive tendencies. How? I will never know. She was only subjected to his temper a handful of times in her life, at a very young age. I guess, that was enough. She has so many skills (writing, poetry, drawing) and talents (people person), but she is choosing the wrong path in life. The same path that her father chose. My daughter is only 14, and as God is my witness, I will do whatever it takes to get her to turn it around at her young age, before she carries this attitude and dysfunction into adulthood. She has too much potential in life. At risk of sharing too much and getting a wrath of judgmental opinions, I will add that she is currently in a rehabilitation process that is allowing her to deal with her behavior with the best professionals in the U.S. If they can't help her, I won't know where to turn.
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