don't even look at a second chance

[oppath]

But I teared up when she dumped me. That bitch made me cry! She knew that I wanted a relationship. When she dumped me I straight up told her it hurt because she said x,y,z to make me believe she wanted a relationship and that I was sad because she told me she loved me, and I told her I was falling for her, and I really wanted her to be the first person I told "I love you" since I was 20. I was a wreck. She knew this. She knew I took the break up hard.

 

So yeah, I was pissed, but that is old news. I was used for sex. Maybe I should reframe my thoughts. I had lots of wild-crazy monkey sex with a very cute girl and my sexual confidence went through the roof. It was so good, in fact, that she wanted more. In a way, that is a compliment and is not a bad thing. And if she had never lead me on to believe she wanted a serious relationship, maybe FWB would have been ok. At this point, the dfficult thing for me is the loss of the mutual friends. But I do forgive myself. None of them know my story and unless they had the same feelings I did and were in the same situation, they don't know how they would have reacted.

 

I'm sure she's probably defended herself to them saying "he knew I got out of a 5 year relationship and I told him I wasn't ready when we started dating." At first, I was very casual about the relationship. My guard was up. But when she started telling me she was falling in love, imagining our son was following me up a trail, etc, I feel for her. I let down my guard.

 

All of that is old news though. It's time to look towards the future. I'm moving forward with my life and she won't be in it. Eventually I'll be healed and I'll love again. Really, I am exiting the anger stage into the acceptance stage. I've accepted that how I responded was fine considering my feelings. I've accepted that we are not right for each other. I've accepted that I won't be friends with her friends. What I'm struggling to accept is the current emptiness, not necessarily romantic. I'm struggling to accept the fact that I must change my life and carve out my own niche. I must leave behind MY activities for now so I can leave all this pain in the past. In a sense, this is an empowering feeling. At the same time, being lonely, it is frightening. Just before I started dating her, I was truly happy in my life, and I was very happy to be friends with her and her crew. Everything was as I wanted and desired. I finally had the weekend experiences I longed for. In time, I'll meet new people and have new experienes, but right not I'm in transition. It hurts, and yeah, I'm jealous of her because she is over me and doesn't have to struggle, but I'll find better people.

[Belovely]

It hurts, and yeah, I'm jealous of her because she is over me and doesn't have to struggle, but I'll find better people.

 

Oppath- I think that's probably the most difficult thing to accept. I have accepted everything else...I accept that I will never be with him again, I accept that I was lied to, I accept I loved and gave everything for him but got nothing in return...I'm ok with all this. However, I'm not ok with the fact that he's out there having a good time, over me without the struggle, while he left me here with pain! I'm not ok with him being married to one of my so-called friends! I'm not ok that while he was able to move on so quickly, I wasn't able to! And for that, I am more jealous than you know!

 

But we can't let them get to us like that. We have to live our lives. By feeling this way, where does it get us? It doesn't serve any purpose because it doesn't erase what happen nor does it prevent it from happening. What is done, is done. We're stronger than we know and we can do this! We can regain ourselves and make our mark! There is someone out there waiting to carve out their niche in life with us, but until we find them, we have to do that for ourselves so that when we finally do find them, we're better people! We're better of without them...we can now enjoy our lives and start with a clean slate. This time we'll be sure not to tarnish it with people who lack the ability to love wholeheartedly or who are inconsiderate and are just along for the ride. We want something meaningful and I'm sure we'll all find that!

[oppath]

I still enjoy myself when I go out, so it's not like I'm wallowing in misery, it's just that my energy is sapped, I'm not flirting well, etc. But I will heal and move on.

[Am4Real]

But we can't let them get to us like that. We have to live our lives. By feeling this way, where does it get us?

 

True healing is a slow, very slow process. However, there is an end to it all and it usually is met with finding the one new person that changes everything for you...they say when you find that person you'll look back at the old relationship in humor and giggle about how upset it used to make you feel.

 

Am4Real

[Am4Real]

The key thing to observe here on LS is the average like cycle of a poster. In certainly no scientific measurement by any means, but just through browsing links/threads it seems like the average poster lifespan is about three to six months.

 

For all of us out there that should be some kind of measurment of what it takes to really grasp the situation, get through healing and finally move on. Although that sounds great, the flip side for me is I may have up to three and half more months left...[highlight]uggghhhhh....[/highlight]!!!

 

Am4Real

[oppath]

I hate insomnia...I just wake up and ruminate. I know I need to forgive myself but I keep going back to my response to her friends with benefits request, which I guess her and her best friend felt I crossed lines and burned bridges. It was cold. I was not warm and polite. At the same time, the worst I did was call her selfish and that I felt like a rebound. Looking back it was the tone of my response I'd change but in a painful spot, it is difficult to remain rational. Plus, the relationship was over, so it is ok to express anger as the primary emotion. Usually anger is not the real feeling. In this case, anger wasn't either. My real feelings was the feeling of being used, and that made me angry.

 

It's ok. I'd expect a girl to go off on me in the reverse situation and call me much worse names. I didn't say "**** you" or "you are a bitch". I was cold but restraining. I need to forgive myself because I was justified.

 

I just hate losing mutual friends over this. I don't want people to choose sides. That is immature. They were primarily her friend, and they can stay that way. I just don't like people thinking I'm the ******* when they don't know (1) how she dumped me (2) the lines/reasons she gave me (3) how she responded when I politefully told her I needed space. I know I have to give them up and I tell myself I have, and I have, but it saddens me.

 

Depression hurts . No matter how irrational I kinow something is, and rational thoughts within arms length, it's like depression keeps a gun pointed at me preventing me from reaching out and grabbing rational thoughts.

 

My initial response to her FWB request was crass, describing sexually something like "how on our first handful of dates how we'd make out and in public, touch each other, and she told me she wouldn't want to **** me, she'd want to make love to me. FWB is ****ing. I deserve more than that, and that is not going to change 1 week or 1 year from now."

 

Her response was "I was just joking."

 

It is OK I responsed harshly to that. It is OK. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. But when her friend's think I crossed the line in responding harshly and that I burned the bridge, it hurts. I don't get it. While it would be nice if had worded things a little differently, I stood my ground and asserted my boundaries. She pissed me off, big time. I needed to say some things. She needed to hear them.

 

I am clinically depressed ofr reasons mainly unrelated to the break up and it is making it doubly tough to forgive myself and move forward. But I will move forward. Each day, it may only be 1 step, and at the end of the week I may take 3 steps backwards, but I am moving forward.

[taylor]

You know, Oppath, I was watching American Idol the other day. I love that show. Aside from the entertainment value, I like the whole notion of the "little people" of the world "getting their break" and "watching their dreams come true."

 

Alot of people don't like Simon for some of his blunt and seemingly rude comments. I'll admit he sometimes get a little carried away. But he does make some comments that make a whole lot of sense.

 

The other day he made a statement to one of the contestants that, to me, rang so true, I'll never forget it. He said, paraphrased, of course, "We have a lot of arrogant, cocky people who come on this show full of self-confidence and self-esteem, but with very little talent and very little character. Then we have others who have so much talent and so much going for them, truly wonderful human beings, but they don't see that in themselves. They don't realize what they are worth."

 

You are one of those truly wonderful human beings, Oppath. Anyone can tell that from reading your previous posts and doing a little "reading between the lines." Most people on this forum are so open and painfully honest with their thoughts and feelings it is quite easy to "see" who they are and what they are made of.

 

But you struggle with depression. It is a very unfair disease (as are most diseases). It can suck the spirit right out of you and prevent you from living life to your full potential. It can strip you of all that is good inside you and turn you into a shell of a person.

 

God, Oppath, don't let depression steal everything that is good and wonderful about you. What a waste that would be.

 

We know you are fighting it. We can "see" it. We can "feel" it. And we know that at some point you will be victorious over it. Why? Because you are a winner. You have too much going for you to not live your life to its fullest. You know it. We know it.

 

*****

 

Every time I read another one of your posts about your ex-girlfriend and her friends it reminds me of the quiet little boy in 4th grade being made fun of by a group of outspoken, cold-hearted, arrogant, brainless loser classmates. I picture a wise, caring teacher observing the scene, saying to herself, "That little boy has more going for him than that whole group of idiots put together."

 

It brings me back to the point I was trying to make in the first place - what Simon said on American Idol.

 

You don't need anyone to validate who you are. And why in the world would you even want validation from people like that who aren't even worthy of your respect?

 

Respect yourself. Validate yourself. Don't sell yourself short.

 

You are going through a grief process just like so many of us on this forum. We all have our own journeys to take. Sometimes we walk alone, where we find inner strength and perspective. Sometimes we cross paths, where we find comfort and companionship.

 

Big hug to you. Hope you have a good weekend. And get some sleep!!!

[oppath]

Thanks again Taylor. I was getting carried away because if we had never dated, I'd be sitting on the beach this morning with her and her friends enjoying myself, and then going to a party downtown tonight (which I was invited too). Many of my friends moved away as I started dating her and that doesn't mean I relied on her at all, I did not, it just means I'm lonely right now.

 

Yes, I don't need her friends to validate me. I can try to make amends and say "I am a good guy guys" in hopes they say "yeah, we know," but I don't need that. I am a great person. Their opinion is worthless.

 

Sadly, I slept in after finally falling asleep, so I'm going to miss my frisbee game. I'll go running instead and work out, grab lunch, and then I have sailing class from 1-4. I treat myself well and if I keep doing that, I'll beat depression and get over her. So what if it takes me longer than I'd like. It will happen.