oppath Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 You know what feels good, not even desiring to look at the second chance forum because I have finally concluded it's not going to happen, and I don't want it to happen. This is accepting that it IS over. And until I'm healed, I have no desire to read other people's stories of what if's. Have other posters gone through this similar stage?
Tormented Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 You know what feels good, not even desiring to look at the second chance forum because I have finally concluded it's not going to happen, and I don't want it to happen. Sometimes, it's not a case where the ex doesn't want a second chance as it is what the ex DID to cause the breakup that dictates the decision for another try. For instance, if the ex cheated...that pretty much slams the door to any kind of reconciliation, or at least, it does for me. I could NEVER go back to him now. There is no way I could look at him without visualizing him and her being intimate, or believing anything he said. Sometimes...the damage done is irreversible, so why bother even thinking about it? In a case like this, it's best to place your focus on healing and eventually find somebody new. ~T~
Author oppath Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 I think the hardest thing to remember sometimes is that the DUMPER DID THE DAMAGE, but the dumpee takes so much of the blame. My ex pulled the rug from beneath me, she slapped me in the face 2 weeks after the breakup by asking if we could be friends with benefits when I politely replied to an invitation saying it was too soon for me to be her friend. 2 weeks later I learned her ex proposed to her 1-2 weeks before she dumped me. She said no. Point is, despsite her ****, I told her off after the FWB request (apparently she told all of our friends I went psycho on her for no reason) which is why she didn't apologize when she clearly crossed the line. I also said some mean things when I learned about her ex. I crossed the line on that second instance, but her friends seem more upset about the first? I sat for 1 month worrying, thinking I burned the bridge for reconciliation when in reality SHE burned it. My responses weren't perfect and I wish I didn't say anything, but it really isn't the end of the world. I tried apologizing a couple times to make amends because we have some mutual friends and will see each other. Again, a violation of NC. Her friends all think I'm an ass; my friends all think she is a bitch. Now there is crazy drama so I'm cutting myself off from all of our mutual friends and even leaving behind my sports league and bar. I've learned some powerful lessons. But most importantly, I finally realize what a bitch she is. She belittled our relationship when I was trying to be big and eventually be friends for the sake of mutual friendships. She betrayed my just and demonstrated she didn't value or respect me and our relationship. now, I said some harsh, inappropriate things. She doesn't want to acknowledge me when I sucked up my pride and apologized. As immature as it is to go off when your hear hurtful information, and I do regret it and will learn from it, the adult thing in the reverse situation is to handle it assertively, not passively, which was pretty much how she handled every conflict including the break up, essentially avoiding it and lying through her teeth about the reasons. I don't want her back. The pipeline of mutual friends makes it worse; some of them hate me but some of them empathize with me greatly. She basically told them right after dumping me that I was a good, fun guy to hang out with and she loved the sex, but had to dump me when she felt I was getting serious. This from the same woman who would ask "does it scare you when I tell you I love you and say things like I think you'll be the guy I marry?" after 4 months of dating, and I'd say "a little bit, we're still getting to know each other" and she would freak out. She tells my friends she never wanted anything serious -- which is why she didn't think anything of asking for FWB -- and it destroyed me. But I refuse to look at the second chances post. I'm not fully healed. I refuse to witness stories of people who made the mistakes I did (I did make some in response to hers), I refuse to witness similar stories as mine and be reminded of my pain. Just as I am cutting all things, including friends, associated with her for at least 6 months, I'm cutting all similar stories from my life too. It's time to focus on other things in my life.
taylor Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Hope for a second chance is what keeps us from letting go. Hope is like a heavy chain that imprisons us to the memory of our ex. Hope restrains us from moving on. By giving up hope, you free yourself from that "prison." You "escape" from "bondage." Congratulations. You have just taken a huge step in the healing process. Good for you. Now, repeat after me: I am glad I burned the bridges with her because she is a bitch who did not deserve me. I am looking forward to building a new bridge with someone else who is worthy of my love. I am not an ass. I am a man with a broken heart who is dealing the best I can with the pain of losing someone I loved. And I have just freed myself to love another. I am proud of myself for having enough respect for myself to not accept her disgusting offer to be FWB. I am worth so much more than that. I am proud of myself for taking the high road and offering a sincere apology for my irrational behavior following the breakup. I know this behavior is not a reflection of my true character and I forgive myself for it. I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth. I know what I am worth and I know how I deserve to be treated. I will associate only with those who appreciate who I am.
taylor Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Not to dwell on your former relationship, but feel compelled to comment on a couple things you said: Your ex broke up with you because she felt you were getting too serious. Yet she was the one who carried on so much about the future. (the statement about the little boy climbing on the rocks..that was over the top). Anyways, my ex did the exact same thing! Carried on about how much he loved me, wanted to marry me..was the luckiest guy in the world to have found me..couldn't wait to put an engagement ring on my finger..said I would make the perfect wife and mother to his children..was willing to give up his job to move closer to me..was willing to pay for an apartment so I could be closer to him... To tell you the truth, I would have been happy just dating him. I was in no hurry to get married. But I was in love with him. And when he started to carry on so about the future I thought I had found "the one." I believed what he said to me. I assumed from his words that he wanted a future with me. I assumed from what he said that he was serious and at least wanted a relationship with me. I thought I was following his lead. I thought he meant what he said but I was dead wrong. For a long time I beat myself up, thinking, did I misread or misinterpret what he said? No, I didn't misread his words. I misread his heart. I realized his sweet, charming, tender, loving words were coming from his head, not his heart. They were not genuine. It took me a long time to figure that out. I will never know why he led me on the way he did when he had absolutely no intention of following through. How could he? He knew he was still in love with someone else. He knew he wasn't ready for a new relationship. Your ex-girlfriend led you on the same way. For what purpose? Did she think the only way you would have sex with her was if there was some promise or hope of a meaningful relationship with her? Sometimes I think that is the only reason my ex carried on so much with me about "the future." He knew I wasn't the kind of girl who engaged in casual sex. If he was going to get anything from me, he knew there would have to be a meaningful relationship first. The thing is we never did have sex - not that he (and I) didn't want to - but because I was not comfortable enough (ready) to move to that step. Now, I am soooo glad I didn't. It would have made this breakup so much harder to get over. These kind of people don't consider the risk they are taking with someone else's heart when they open their mouths and say things they don't mean. I say don't tell someone you love them unless you are 100 percent sure that you do. Don't tell someone you want a future with them unless you are 100 percent sure you are ready for a relationship and want one with that other person. Being 85% sure or 98% sure leaves the door wide open for a devastating heartache. Its better to say nothing, than to open that door. **** Another comment... This whole FWB thing. The fact that your ex-girlfriend wanted this kind of relationship with you tells you a lot about who she is. She is the kind of person who can separate love and sex. She is the kind of person who can engage in meaningless sex and be comfortable with it. I get the impression you are not "wired" that way. You are two different kinds of people, therefore, not right for each other. You will find your match. You will find someone who is "wired" the way you are. And when you do, it will be beautiful and meaningful.
Author oppath Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 Thanks for both of your responses, Taylor. Yes, I was shocked at the break up, just as you were. I won't tell someone I'm falling for them unless I mean it, unless I am sure I want a relationship with THEM. She gave me every indication that she wanted a relationship with me, and a serious one at that. I could list 6 heavy things that came too soon in the relationship. I think that is the flag to watch for. "I can't be in a relationship with you because I don't know who I am and I need to find myself. I'm not emotionally ready. It's not you, it's me. But if I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be you." Bull****. This is why I went off when she asked for friends with benefits. I couldn't restrain myself. She needed to be told off. She needed to be told that I didn't believe her reasons, and that if the gender roles were reversed, and I dumped her for the reasons she gave me, her friends would think I'm a cowardly lying *******, and if 2 weeks later I asked for friends with benefits I'd be considered the world's biggest douche. To hell if I lost my dignity with this. She needed to be told how innappropriate and insulting FWB is when she knew she hurt me, and how it made me feel like I was nothing but a rebound, and that all the serious stuff she said to me, to indicate she did want a relationship, was because I stimulated sexual excitement she hadn't felt in years. She needed to hear that it is incredibly selfish to get into a relationship, and behave in words and action, that she wanted one, when she wasn't ready, and she was incredibly selfish and cruel to ask for FWB. Dignity be damned. She pissed me off. I don't apologize for my first response. And I don't really for my second either. To be told her ex bf proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me and for her not to tell me that...I'm sorry, but we have MUTUAL FRIENDS! It was going to get back to me. If I could do it over again, I would have said NOTHING! But this is not a normal breakup. It was a breakup where the person lied through her teeth, said all the wrong things (obnoxious, cliche reasons), persisted she had loving feelings for me (false hope), belittled me (FWB), betrayed my trust (ex bf proposing) and clearly didn't value or respect me (or was too passive to be honest and assertive confront me). Regarding casual sex...I could do it for 1 month or so, but not with a recent ex. The problem with NSA casual sex is it does take time out of your week that you would otherwise spend bettering yourself, with friends, or searching for a more appropriate partner. Generally, I don't want to have sex with someone I don't find interesting, and that would be the type of person I'd want to explore a relationship with. Yes, I am walking away. Perhaps in 6 months I can see some of her mutual friends, but until then, I'm forgiving myself. I'm accepting that I am a better person than her. If her friends think I am an *******, so be it. 9 out of 10 people on the street would side with me if I had 60 seconds. I deserve someone better. If she truly did imagine a future with me, it is ok if her feelings changed. But that should be the reason for the break up. It is not ok to persist she was falling in love with me but not ready, and then tell her friends she really wasn't, and just enjoyed the sex, and had to cut me loose when I developed feelings for her. In the future, any woman who says serious things too fast for me...I'll tell them straight up they need to chill for a while, and I'll even explain my story. In the future, I also won't date someone who just exited a long term relationship. No way.
justagirlforever Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 Well done - it' s huge mental & emotional step to take. One that comes with the acceptance of the finality to will help you finally let go and move on. Yes - it's a very normal part (neccesary I think) to the healthy process. Well done If you've seen any of my previous posts - I've been through that process too. And now, we (my ex & I) are friends. And it's great - it really is. Strange and absurd as that might sound to some. And I feel free as a bird, so happy & very content - yet I was the one who thought the world was coming to and end after a 4 year relationship. Just goes to show
Author oppath Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 Well justagirl, my ex and I won't ever be friends. That's been made clear to me. Yes, I made the "mistake" of saying anything when she asked for friends with benefits. It hurt, I did not politely reject it. So what. she was out of line. When I learned her ex proposed to her just before she dumped me, less than a month after we broke up, I fired angry words at her. Now, I am a big enough person to eventually be in the same social circle. She won't. Her friends assert that I crossed the line, that I'm responsible for the bridge being burned. That sounds like a personal problem of theirs. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would dump their bf and then ask him to be **** buddies two weeks later, or someone who wouldn't tell her bf that her ex proposed to her. Those are serious character flaws. I'm walking away completely. I'm still hurt, not fully healed, and NOT feeling free. But the best thing for me is to avoid anything to do with her. She does not deserve me in her life at ALL. She doesn't even think she was wrong to ask to be FWB! She liked having sex with me, she said to a friend, and maybe I would be down for it! She didn't think it should be construed as insulting. In 1 month, this will be behind me. I'm looking out for myself right now.
justagirlforever Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 When I learned her ex proposed to her just before she dumped me, less than a month after we broke up, I fired angry words at her. I haven't read any of your previous posts, but: No wonder you won't be friends. Good riddace by the sounds of it. You deserve better than that. Going just by what you said here, she's user and abuser (used you and abused your love and devotion). Well done and all the best.
Author oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 the problem is our social circles overlap, and I'm the bad guy. I did overreact, but how I reacted is "normal" break up behavior given the circumstances, whatever that means. She did not go back to her ex. And it was not the reason for the break up (she wasn't feeling it, though what she told me was that she felt like she was giving up potentially the most amazing love of her life). At the same time, we were still togethr for 2 weeks after it happened. She should have mentioned it in SOME capacity if she truly valued me, even as a friend. Anyway, the tough part for me is that I am the bad guy and I'm not welcome at venues I enjoyed first. People glare at me even though I acknowledged where I was wrong and have offered sincere apologies. I was hoping to be the bigger person and maintain some of these friendships, but I was straight up told by her best friend to just stop (I wasn't even telling people the story only that there is a story, but I'd like to keep it in the dark because there is no reason for animosity) and that I'm not going to be welcomed by most of them. This is why I'm walking away all together. I don't need to prove my worth to these people. I don't need their affirmation. If they don't think I'm a great guy, they can go to hell.
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 ANGER - a great stage in the healing process! Keep it going. Get it all out. You say you are in a sports league. I'm assuming softball (??). If so, go whack the **** out of some balls. Will make you feel better. Sidenote: Your ex said she didn't think you would find the FWB comment insulting. Why? Because she can separate sex and love. If she can't give you both (sex and love), maybe she can give you just one (sex) and keep you (and her) satisfied (her thinking, not mine). Kind of like, "I can't give him the whole piece of cake, but maybe he'll be satisfied with a one bite." Her friends are probably of the same mindset and therefore don't understand why the FWB offer made you so crazy with anger. They are all warped in the head. Stay far, far away from them.
Belovely Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Anyways, my ex did the exact same thing! Carried on about how much he loved me, wanted to marry me..was the luckiest guy in the world to have found me..couldn't wait to put an engagement ring on my finger..said I would make the perfect wife and mother to his children..was willing to give up his job to move closer to me..was willing to pay for an apartment so I could be closer to him... To tell you the truth, I would have been happy just dating him. I was in no hurry to get married. But I was in love with him. And when he started to carry on so about the future I thought I had found "the one." I believed what he said to me. I assumed from his words that he wanted a future with me. I assumed from what he said that he was serious and at least wanted a relationship with me. I thought I was following his lead. I thought he meant what he said but I was dead wrong. For a long time I beat myself up, thinking, did I misread or misinterpret what he said? No, I didn't misread his words. I misread his heart. I realized his sweet, charming, tender, loving words were coming from his head, not his heart. They were not genuine. It took me a long time to figure that out. Taylor: You couldn't have said it any other way! You have hit the nail right on the head. I too have been in a similar situation as you and Oppath and it sucks! It sucks, not only because you have to let go of a person you sincerely loved, but more importantly, you have to come to terms with the awful fact that the relationship was a lie. A lie, not on your part, because you loved, but a lie on their part. My Ex showered me with love and his charming ways got me hooked. It wasn't 2 weeks into the relationship and he was saying I love you and I want to marry you. I was going to be the more of his kids, his wife whom he would love forever, the person he would spend the rest of his life with, the only girl that he had ever loved so profoundly...Guess what? It was all a lie! Just as quick as my Ex told me I want to marry you and I love you, is just how fast he was able to drop me, begin a relationship with one of my friends, and three months later marry her. People who are able to lie and play with a person's heart like that are inconsiderate with no respect for the other person's feelings or how they'll get hurt. I still find it so hard to believe how he was able to tell me all those things and then do what he did. I can't completely grasp how a person can say such strong and powerful things without really feeling them...it boggles my mind! Sometimes I think that it was me, that I was naive for believing him. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel and hurt someone intentionally like that...I just don't get it! Oppath, you are on your way to recovery. It's great that you realize that you deserve better, because the fact is, she is no prize! You are not the bad guy in any of this! You are better than her and her friends because you tried to be the bigger person and maintain those friendships. You did your part...its not your fault that they want to act like teenagers in high school! Pat yourself on the back, because not many people would make that effort! You're at the anger stage so lash out, hit something, do whatever you have to do! I, personally, screamed at the top of my lungs! Felt damn good! Now I'm stuck at this place where I just can't come to terms with the lie that was our relationship...don't understand how he could say things and not really mean it. But like everything else in life, this to will pass...for both of us!
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Belovely, I hear you and feel for you. We, as well as Oppath, are trying to come to terms with emotional deception. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again who tells me he loves me. This was my first relationship. He was my first love. I was very naive. I had nothing to compare him or this relationship to. I didn't see the red flags because I didn't know any better. Like Oppath, I have learned so much from this experience: 1. I know now what a rebound relationship is. 2. I know the red flags to watch for to determine if it is a rebound. 3. I know if you want to know what is truly in a person's heart you have to watch what they do, not listen to what they say. 4. I know that feelings are tricky..they come, they go, they change, they get tangled and untangled. There are never any guarantees. 5. I know now how easy it is to get your heart broken and how difficult it is to recover from it. 6. I know now how important it is to be careful who you entrust your heart with...and how important it is to guard it and protect it from those who may be reckless with it. I know I will never give my heart to anyone so easily and so completely again...never again. The HOWS and the WHYS still torment me. I am trying to let them go. In all of our cases, why did our exes even bother telling us they loved us when they didn't? We KNOW they didn't. They KNOW they didn't. What purpose did it serve? Sex, ego boost, desire to escape reality? In any case, the reason does not justify the pain they inflicted on us. Again, I say, if a person is not 100 percent sure they love someone, it's better to say NOTHING. If you're going to say it, mean it. That means you don't just "change your mind" three weeks later, run off and marry someone else. It doesn't mean you "change your mind" five weeks later and run back to an ex. It doesn't mean you "change your mind" and want only FWB. When you really love someone you don't change your mind. When I told my ex I loved him I meant it. The words came from the depths of my soul, into my heart and out my mouth. I could hardly get the words out because the feeling was so profound and so intense. When we exchanged the "I love yous" I thought it was a life-altering moment. I never could have imagined that he would be taking those words back in a matter of five weeks! And to carry on about the future...to give you hope and raise your expectations...only to walk away and let you free fall without a parachute and crash to the ground.....It's just uncomprehendible. Do you know 5 days after my ex walked away he called me and asked, "Are you avoiding me for some reason?" I threw up. I hear all the time about people WANTING to get into rebound relationships after a breakup "to make themselves feel better." It makes me angry. I just think how selfish - to use and hurt an innocent person to "fix" a problem he/she had nothing to do with. The books say it's OK to get into a rebound relationship as long as you are upfront with the other person and they know what they are getting into. Good theory, but not applicable in the real world. Picture this scenario: My ex: "Hi. My name is _____. I am very attracted to you and would like to get to know you better. But I want you to know I am still in love with my ex-girlfriend. We dated 5 years and, even though we broke up 3 years ago, I am still pining away for her and would run back to her in a split second if she gave me one glimmer of hope. I have been in rebound relationships before but they all fail because I just can't seem to get over my old girlfriend. She was my first love, you know. "We were supposed to get married, you know.... Would you like to go out sometime?" I WOULD HAVE TURNED AND BOLTED if he had told me all that. There is no way I would have gotten involved with him, let alone let myself get serious about him or fall in love with him. Rebounders aren't going to be honest with you because it can sabotage their plans. People looking for a rebound don't spill their guts like that. They would never get a date if they did. And certainly anyone looking for a relationship would steer clear. My ex even told me months after we broke up that he needs to keep dating, dating, dating, to get over his old girfriend. I am not his first rebound. He has left a wake of broken hearts as he stumbles down his path to recovery. The sad thing is he hasn't healed or moved on one bit since he broke up with his old girlfriend three years ago. The only thing he has managed to do his hurt a bunch of other innocent girls who trusted him. He feels guilty and his self-esteem sinks lower every time he has another one of these "failed" rebound relationships. So, what does he do? Goes out and has another one. Vicious cycle. I could be wrong, Belovely, but it sound like your ex may have rebounded into a quick marriage. Don't be surprised if it doesn't last. Oppath, sorry for the threadjack. Just needed to vent again, I guess. Ugghh. Better days ARE coming.
Author oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Threadjack all you want Taylor! My thought on this is that feelings can change. They can change on the order of a month. So if my girlfriends feelings changed, they changed. I don't believe that happened, however, as my mutual friend essentially told me it was all lies. This was another promise he was not supposed to tell me, that she thought I was a cool guy to hang out with and loved the sex but was done with me, she mainly wanted the sex. Maybe she said this after the fact because I told her off, but come on. I think she confused those feelings with love because she had not felt that newness in 5 years. I wouldn't consider myself angry anymore as accepting that I want nothing to do with her. Nothing. Was it all lies and deception? I don't think it was intentional. She probably believed at the time she was falling in love. And it is actually ok with me if her feelings changed. What was not ok was telling me she did have feelings for me but dumping me. It did not add up. My gut screamed there was something going on or she wasn't being fully honest with me. And she was not. So how can I trust anything she told me? She was just trying to spare my feelings, but I can see through that. I'll never know the full truth. Whatever she's said after the fact ALSO needs to be taken with a grain of salt. I think a fairly rational conclusion the way things went down, especially because she asked for FWB, is that I was a rebound. Most people would feel used at that request. As I told her, if I were to say "I can't be in a relationship right now because I don't know who I am and I need to find myself; it's not you, it's me. It wouldn't be fair to you" after professing love and saying heavy, future oriented **** to a woman, ALL OF HER FRIENDS would call me a cowardly ass and they'd think I was lying about my reasons to breakup, and if two weeks later I asked to be friends with benefits, I'd be the world's biggest douchebag. How is this different with the gender roles reversed? Was that mean and cold? Yes. Perhaps I should have said nothing. But it is also true! So what if I told her off. I needed to say it. She needed to hear it. My problem the last month has been not forgiving myself. Taylor and others, I ask: how would you react if you had your heart broken for confusing reasons and two weeks later your bf asked if you'd be down for a friends with benefits relationship? If I did this to a girl, I'd expect her to go ape-**** on me. How would you react if you found out your bf's ex of 5 years came back into town and asked for him back and proposed to him two weeks before dumping you? If I did this to a girl and didn't tell her, I'd expect her to go ape-**** on me. While it would be nice if I hadn't reacted and just walked away, I'm human. It's time to forgive myself for acting that way.
Am4Real Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Oh come on ladies, to say you couldn’t trust a man telling you he loves you “again” may help you deal with emotions now but hopefully you do not really believe that…all of us have “hard” stories and ran across insulting or uncomfortable people in past relationships; there are plenty of good people out there of both sexes. Learning how to tell the difference is part of life. There's almost no way to avoid these lessons, only realize all of us are stronger (and perhaps wiser) in the end.
Am4Real Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 People looking for a rebound don't spill their guts like that. They would never get a date if they did. And certainly anyone looking for a relationship would steer clear. My ex even told me months after we broke up that he needs to keep dating, dating, dating, to get over his old girfriend. I am not his first rebound. He has left a wake of broken hearts as he stumbles down his path to recovery. The sad thing is he hasn't healed or moved on one bit since he broke up with his old girlfriend three years ago. The only thing he has managed to do his hurt a bunch of other innocent girls who trusted him. He feels guilty and his self-esteem sinks lower every time he has another one of these "failed" rebound relationships. So, what does he do? Goes out and has another one. Vicious cycle. I could be wrong, Belovely, but it sound like your ex may have rebounded into a quick marriage. Don't be surprised if it doesn't last. Taylor, Excellent points -- it all hits a little close to home for me. Am4Real
Belovely Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Learning how to tell the difference is part of life. There's almost no way to avoid these lessons, only realize all of us are stronger (and perhaps wiser) in the end. Am4Real: I agree with you 100%! However, it's hard to believe this when the wounds are so fresh and you aren't completely over your past relationship. I can see where people who feel this way are coming from. I have learned a great deal from my Ex and I hope that the next time around I'm more aware of the red flags. These experiences are what make us stronger individuals, and although it's painful to have to go through, we wouldn't me who we are if not for them. You live and you learn! The hard part is getting over it and putting what you've lived through and learned into your next relationship. Many people don't do this and just jump into relationship after relationship. In the end that person is never fully healed and causes other unfortunate people to feel the same pain they are feeling....It's just a cruel cycle!
Author oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 I'll trust and love again, absolutely. Yes, I'll be suspect of someone who professes too much love too soon, especially if they haven't been single for a while. But I'll find love. I'll trust a woman. Not for a few more months, but I will. I'm not afraid to take that risk. It's hard to say if I was used as a rebound or her feelings just changed. My ex IS over her old ex. I will be wary in the future but I'll take the chance. Just not now. Maybe 6 months from now.
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Am4Real - That's the thing. I'm not sure if the next time I will have gained enough wisdom to know the difference. Will I be able to determine if the next man who professes love is genuine or not? Can I trust my instincts/perceptions? I don't want to get fooled again.
Author oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 I wonder if we were truly fooled? Yes, we were led on, and it sucks, but it is possible for people's feelings to change rapidly. It's not fair. You can feel like you are falling in love with someone and 1 month later not feel that way at all. This is why you should wait until after the honeymoon wears off to begin speaking of a future together.
Am4Real Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Am4Real: I agree with you 100%! However, it's hard to believe this when the wounds are so fresh and you aren't completely over your past relationship. I can see where people who feel this way are coming from. I have learned a great deal from my Ex and I hope that the next time around I'm more aware of the red flags. These experiences are what make us stronger individuals, and although it's painful to have to go through, we wouldn't me who we are if not for them. You live and you learn! The hard part is getting over it and putting what you've lived through and learned into your next relationship. Many people don't do this and just jump into relationship after relationship. In the end that person is never fully healed and causes other unfortunate people to feel the same pain they are feeling....It's just a cruel cycle! For those of you familiar with my story, BELOVELY I think you are, I ended up reading about “rebound relationships” as much I could. I had no idea how easy it is for many persons to avoid hitting bottom by almost immediately starting a new relationship. What I wasn’t aware of is a rebound relationship is not necessary short in duration, it can last years before ending. And if the rebounder is not aware of their own behaviors they can start the entire cycle over and over never healing from the original break up. My EX’s actions following our “break period” is an absolute mind blower to me and I don’t rule out she may even have found love, true love, but goodness it’s a stretch to believe. Another thing you might not be aware of is just because your EX is rebounding and it (may) ends in a year or less, doesn’t mean they are coming back to you. If they do, be very careful, it is likely you are a recovery option or “rebound of a rebound” if you know what I mean. If helpful, here is a collection of the links I read up and learned from on this topic. I suggest review of them all if time permits as each brings up different points in some ways: http://www.singlescoach.com/blog/?p=25 http://www.divorceinfo.com/reboundrelationships.htm http://magnamags.com/magna_savvy/node/318 http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove_4.htm and my favorite: http://www.therelationshipgym.com/rebound_relationship.htm Best to all, [highlight] Am4Real [/highlight] p.s. If your looking for my story it’s a long post I made back in January.
Trialbyfire Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 For those of you familiar with my story, BELOVELY I think you are, I ended up reading about “rebound relationships” as much I could. I had no idea how easy it is for many persons to avoid hitting bottom by almost immediately starting a new relationship. What I wasn’t aware of is a rebound relationship is not necessary short in duration, it can last years before ending. And if the rebounder is not aware of their own behaviors they can start the entire cycle over and over never healing from the original break up. My EX’s actions following our “break period” is an absolute mind blower to me and I don’t rule out she may even have found love, true love, but goodness it’s a stretch to believe. Another thing you might not be aware of is just because your EX is rebounding and it (may) ends in a year or less, doesn’t mean they are coming back to you. If they do, be very careful, it is likely you are a recovery option or “rebound of a rebound” if you know what I mean. If helpful, here is a collection of the links I read up and learned from on this topic. I suggest review of them all if time permits as each brings up different points in some ways: http://www.singlescoach.com/blog/?p=25 http://www.divorceinfo.com/reboundrelationships.htm http://magnamags.com/magna_savvy/node/318 http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove_4.htm and my favorite: http://www.therelationshipgym.com/rebound_relationship.htm Best to all, [highlight] Am4Real [/highlight] p.s. If your looking for my story it’s a long post I made back in January. UR4Real... Excellent post.
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 You're right, Oppath, he didn't "fool" as in "deceive" me - not intentionally. I don't think he really knew what was in his heart. He was still in love with an old girlfriend who kept rejecting him. He was desperately trying to get over her and move on. He was lonely, needy and confused. I think he thought he could replace her with me, but couldn't, especially when she came back in the picture. His feelings for me just couldn't compare to his feelings for her. I fooled myself. I was foolish to believe he loved me just because he said he did. I was foolish for not seeing the red flags. I was foolish to believe he was over his old girlfriend. I was foolish to think his love was real after dating only a few months. I'll rephrase my earlier post: I don't want to be FOOLISH again. Now in response to your post: When my ex-boyfriend dumped me I felt like a piece of garbage tossed away in a dumpster. (I spent the next few months trying to pull myself back out of the dumpster, piece by piece) If my ex-boyfriend had come back two weeks later to suggest FWB, I would have felt like a piece of stinking, rotting meat buried in a landfill filled with putrid, decaying garbage. How's that for visuals? You were justified in your behavior. Now, forgive yourself already! Belovely - great post..It is hard to regain trust when the wounds are still so fresh. And yes, I am in the same boat as my ex now. We both have broken hearts and are in pain...I keep thinking I should introduce him to LS....NOT!!!!
Author oppath Posted March 9, 2007 Author Posted March 9, 2007 Taylor, I am forgiving myself. These are the only emails I have saved from her so I can prove she did ask for it. Me, 1.5 weeks after the break up where I politefully told her to give me a couple months space without seeing each other, and she invited me to a birthday party of her friends Thanks for the invite to [friend's] party. I don't know if it was an oversight on your part, or if you think of me as one of the 'crew'. I appreciate you thinking of me, but perhaps we need to talk on the phone; email leaves tone open to interpretation. Sitting across the table from a recent ex while drinking abundant amounts of beer is not good for my emotional health : ). It is sad, but I feel it is a rarity that ex's can actually be friends. Until both people's hearts have truly moved on and both people believe the romance wasn't there and there were long-term incompatibilities, friendships don't work. They often disrupt future relationships, and as I have earlier mentioned, they prevent me from fully moving on. I don't want to put myself in a position where I feel uncomfortable, where I feel pain, anger, bitterness, jealousy, confusion, and attraction. Dating for 5-6 months isn't the time investment of a 5 year relationship, but I did invest emotionally. If we need to talk more about this, I am willing. When I requested limited contact and told you I can't be your friend right now, that request extends to group get togethers. I won't put myself in social situations that make me emotionally uncomfortable. I really want you to understand that this is for ME, not because of YOU. It sucks, but this is the risk that makes love so thrilling. Once I transition from dating to relationship with someone, it's an all or nothing deal unless natural forces bring the two healed hearts back together a few months down the line. Maybe I was being a wuss, but really, I was being assertive. Her response: I understand why you don't want to go. And the invitation was not unintentional. If you change your mind the invitation is always open. Let me know when you're down to have a "friends with benefits" relationship. How clueless could she be considering I was clearly stating I was not over her and didn't want to see her until I felt no attraction to her. Yeah, I had a right to go off. I'm ok with it. What I mourn is the loss of the friends I met through her and I'm feeling a large absence now, as I can't do many of the things I did before we started dating or I'll see her and people who have hostility for me. No, she did not intentionally deceive me. She had moved on from her ex, actually, but I think she used me to convince herself she had moved on. In the future, I won't date a woman in this situation. I won't tolerate someone saying serious things really, before dating for 6 months. No talk of marraige, nothing about children (I'm only 27), love will be held to "falling in love." Those are my lessons and I'll heed them.
taylor Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Am4Real - Thanks for your post listing the links regarding rebound relationships. Eye-openers, every one. Oppath - It does appear your ex-girlfriend used you for sex. If you hadn't gotten emotionally attached to her (fell in love) you may have been interested in the FWB arrangement. You may have even considered it a compliment - an ego boost - to be "wanted" for your sexual prowess. I'm sure a lot of guys who aren't in love and who are not interested in being in a relationship would love an opportunity to be in a "no strings attached" FWB relationship. But that was not your situation. You did fall in love. You did want a relationship. And that makes all the difference. When you are in love and want a relationship, you want it to be all or nothing. You want to love completely and be loved completely. Your ex-girlfriend should have been more sensitive and considerate of your feelings. One day she will fall in love for real and understand what it means to want to love and be loved completely.
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