facing him for the first time in 3 months at best friends dinner - dreading it.

[kimba]

I am trying to get my head together to face my ex friend for the first time in 3 months.

 

My backstory is here www.loveshack.org/forums/t112614/. Its basically me 'breaking up" with my best male friend and he did it very coldly and did it over the phone in the first week of january. The last time i saw him was now about 3 months ago.

 

I knew that this dinner was coming, its a female friend of mine and we've been best friends for about 18 years and its her bday so i really should go.

 

She's invited him (maybe to stir the pot, i don't know). Before she rang him i had rung him to clear the air with him b4 we meet at the dinner. He rang me back and i said "yeah i was just ringing to talk to you before we see each other" i said that there has been a lot of damage done to me because of his actions. His reply was:

 

"you think theres been a lot of damage????" (incredulously)

 

And i'm like yeah, hello. have you NO idea? (not in so many words) I said to him that it was pretty bad. Told him i didn't trust him now and he wasn't the person i thought he was.

 

In another phone call I wanted to establish that he felt he had made the right decision etc. He said yes. Somewhere along the line it got very heated when i told him that everyone around me has seen how he has treated me like **** (including the dinner friend). Got into a big fight and he started yelling at me because he hated hearing how he's treated me and then i told him maybe he shouldn't go to the dinner. He yelled at me and said he wasn't going and hung up on me. He rang back and said he has decided he IS going because he was invited and that he wasn't going to talk to me there because it would make people uncomfortable.

 

I said well us ignoring each other is going to make people uncomfortable as well. Then he rang back again and said he might talk to me as long as i don't bring up all our issues.

 

I said that i would never do that and that is why i was calling before the dinner so we could air it all.

 

How do i go to this dinner. I don't want to see his slimy face. How do i stop feeling ANYTHING about all this?????

[magichands]

I don't want to see his slimy face.

OK, babycakes.

 

If you don't want to see his slimy face, then don't go to the party.

 

If you don't want him to be dictating what you can and can't do in your life, then go to the party.

 

If you want him to apologise for being an arsehole, then stop "encouraging" him to apologise for being an arsehole. Keep conversation to an absolute minimum, and let him do all the talking.

 

Indifference is where you want to get. Well, that's my angle.

[kimba]

I want to feel nothing about it. I just cannot get rid of my anger at his sliminess. I don't want to get trapped near him. After the way he spoke to me yesterday i don't think i could even muster a "hello".

[magichands]

I want to feel nothing about it.

It won't happen overnight... but it will happen. Wash his sliminess out of your hair.

[alphamale]

I agree with MH....especially the part about not going.

[kimba]

I'm at home sick today so thats not helping either.

 

I want t o get rid of the anger.

 

I had a dream the night before last (actually it was a nightmare about him). At the end just before i woke up this girl said to me in the dream:

 

" In every relationship there is always a card that has never been dealt"

Relationship meaning friendship, boyfriend whatever.

 

In front of her she had all these pieces of lined paper in front of her with my writing on them.

 

I took it to mean that I am never going to get the chance to say all I want to say to him. My anger is from the fact that he is like a brick wall and judging by yesterday, has no CONCEPT of the damage he has caused to me.

[kimba]

i made the mistake yesterday of asking him 3 questions:

 

1. if he had any regrets about ensing our friendship

answer was NO

 

2. Asking him if his life was better now without me ( i know... huge mistake)

 

answer YES

 

3. Did he have any hope of reconciling

 

answer NO

[alphamale]

wow, heavy stuff man

[magichands]

wow, heavy stuff man

That's about as sympathetic as he gets.

[alphamale]

That's about as sympathetic as he gets.

i think we should refer KIMBA to KITTENMOON for more advice. I've done all i can do here

[kimba]

I know, I was too full on, but i needed to get it straight. i didn't want to see him thinking that maybe there was a chance at reconciliation when he has actually COMPLETELY written me off.

[magichands]

I want t o get rid of the anger.

Careful, now. Your words are breaking up.

 

I guess I could donate the use of my body for serious tension release, but that's not exactly ethical. Maybe you need to have an intensive session with the LoveShack Bunny, instead.

[magichands]

i didn't want to see him thinking that maybe there was a chance at reconciliation when

We both know that wasn't what you were doing. You wanted him to be sorry. You wanted him to beg for another chance.

[magichands]

i think we should refer KIMBA to KITTENMOON for more advice. I've done all i can do here

You think it's that serious?

[kimba]

What i meant to say was that I didn't want to see him and have MYSELF thinking that there was a chance at reconciliation.

[magichands]

What i meant to say was that I didn't want to see him and have MYSELF thinking that there was a chance at reconciliation.

Forget the slimy bastard. Unless you want to get him in your bath, and give him a good scrubbing?

[guin_girl]

I know, I was too full on, but i needed to get it straight. i didn't want to see him thinking that maybe there was a chance at reconciliation when he has actually COMPLETELY written me off.

 

Kimba,

You have the answers, and yes, ouch, they do hurt. But you need to take "your" power back. You have given him the upper hand and you need to appear stronger, even if you don't feel it.

 

I just had the face to face meeting with my ex. He left without any answers... just disappeared. I still had some of his stuff that he wanted back (well if he broke it off like a man, he would have had it) so before a mutual event, he sent me an email which I ignored. Then at the event, I also pretended not to see him. Man was that one pissy voice mail when I got home. The point was, the fact that I wasn't concerned about him got to him. I was going for indifference, man it was hard, but it got the reaction I wanted. Made him as confused as me

 

We recently had the exchange of stuff in a public place, the best thing I did was to bring a "date" with me. Stopped any conversations and kept it strictly to the exchange of stuff. It was hard, but I wasn't going to pump up his ego by asking him any questions. To this day I still have no idea why he left and one day he may realize that and wonder why I never asked. But I left with my dignity intact, which was my ultimate goal.

[alphamale]

The point was, the fact that I wasn't concerned about him got to him. I was going for indifference, man it was hard, but it got the reaction I wanted. Made him as confused as me

yes G_G...i can tell u from being on the receiving end of this that it works...i also have ditched a number of women with no reason or warning.

[dropdeadlegs]

I read your background post and you seem awfully worked up about this situation. Seems like you are too angry in relation to what you have stated this whole issue is about. Is there more to the story? I admit I didn't read every single word and did some scanning trying to figure out why you are so emotionally charged.

 

Friends can turn on you. You get angry for a few days, then you just drop them and get on with life. This emotionally charged living will eat you up quick. Anger turns to bitterness and despair.

 

This is one friend, right? I assume you have a lot more friends and will have even more in the future. Just let this one go. Who needs a friend like that, and if he wanted to resume the friendship, why would you?

 

Indifference is what you need to achieve.

 

Go to the party and pretend you don't care. Keep pretending until you actually don't. If you can't do that, explain to your friend that you can't come because he will be there. Tell all your friends you don't want to hear the play by play of his conversations with them. What good are they doing but perpetuating your feelings?

 

Again, indifference is the key. Just say to yourself "I am done" and be done.

[KittenMoon]

You wanna go to this party? Go. Be the life of it. Smile and laugh and joke like nothing is amiss. After all, he gave you definitive answers, right?

 

I attended a wedding my ex also attended 3 months after we broke up. I was sunny, and cheery, and fun. Acted like I was fine, even chatted with my ex. It wasn't easy, but it was my friends' special day, and I wasn't going to mope. He actually ended up doing enough of that (though he broke up with me he has persistently acted like he was the one who go burned) for the both of us, which I thought was truly immature and not very considerate of people who were his friends.

 

Literally, the only thing that ended up being different for me about the wedding was my ex and I sat at different tables. And that's how I wanted it to be for my friends special day. So if this is your friend's bday and you want to be there, be there for her, whatever happened between this guy and you be damned. If he wants to make it an issue a the party and you don't, he'll come off looking like the @$$ and you'll have taken the higher road.