outofdarkness Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 It sounds like more of the same stuff that people say when they are trying to justify having an affair. If affairs weren't wrong, they wouldn't be a secret. There is a reason people lie about affairs, the reason is: it's wrong and they know it's wrong. yeah...I agree..
serial muse Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I know we're basically just having a philosophical/theoretical discussion here, but I wanted to point out that this: I have been reading various articles on the effect of an affair on marriage. Just about all of them say that an affair (as long as it is kept under wraps obviously) helps the marriage because mm's needs are being met outside and this makes the marriage more bearable. The mm won't care if his wife doesn't show him any attention, affection, intimacy because the OW will provide this. However, once the affair ends, the cracks in the marriage reappear. I remember my xmm said that during a long period of NC with me, he and his w were having real problems. He now looks to the w to meet all his needs which she wasn't meeting before. Also as the OW has been meeting some of the needs, he is bound to compare and contrast which will cause problems at some level. is actually an extremely far cry from the sort of highly specific situation that people have been pondering, such as the one Babybird talks about here: Granted, this is an example. There was a woman in my town that went through something similar. Her husband was a cop that was shot in the head. Couldn't talk, walk, etc. but could understand words, and blink yes/no. She stuck by his side until he died 17 years later. She was 21 when the accident happened, he was 23. She had someone on the side. Does that make it unhealthy? Does that sound so wrong? I don't think so. I mean, I totally feel for that woman and of course I'd give her a pass. But I think that it's always possible to think of exceptions that, even if they don't feel wholly okay (because I agree the question mark remains if the ill partner doesn't know), still seem somehow understandable at the very least. But the original post wasn't really about this kind of specialized situation, it questioned whether your basic average affair could ultimately lead to a future happy and successful marriage (very different than as a way for the suffering spouse to sustain him/herself while their partner wastes away from a life-threatening illness). The point that was raised, which I think others have also made, is that while it may sustain a marriage in the short-term, it doesn't do much for its overall strength in the long-term. It just postpones the pain while also dragging yet more people into the mess. Not really a sustainable solution to marital problems.
Ripples Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 Why would it be so unhealthy? <snip> Don't jump down my throat. There are very few, if any, black and whites in life and there are exceptions to every rule. Just as everyone one of us is unique, every relationship is too and thus what is right for one will not necessarily be right for another. Also, my opinion on this particular scenario is only my own and I'm not forcing down yours or anyone else's throat.
puddleofmud Posted March 9, 2007 Posted March 9, 2007 I feel that in certain situations where a marriage has matured and both partners are entirely committed to the other's well-being that should such a situation arise as in terminal illnesses and there is an agreement between the two or with an un-corrective injury or illness where there is no "awareness", then this is none of anyone's business but theirs. It is most common for widowers to marry another widower within their same social circle with whom they and their partner had been friends for decades. These person are use to being married and factually, it is healthier for them to continue said same pattern of support and nurturing. These marriages happen rather quickly; often within months of the marital partner's death and most because the two widowers became supportive of each other during the stress of the illness. Life at a mature age carries a unique code where one knows full well that remaining life is SHORT and that one wishes to live happily and well after seeing someone they love endure so much suffering. This could also apply to a much younger person who must watch a person they love so dearly suffer and loose their life. One learns that life is so precious and thus, does not take happiness for granted nor waste time delving in self-created, unwarranted misery. However, for an entirely healthy person with all the time the world has to offer to just "use" someone else for nothing but selfish emotional placation/gain and to rob an innocent partner by avoiding working out the R (or leaving the R) is another matter, entirely. The latter situation is calculated, callous and injurous where the aforementioned is not. I do not find it in the least endearing that when someone has problems with their partner (and said partner is quite aware and fully functioning); THEY and ONLY they get to decide, arbitrarily, silently, and how the problem(s) shall be handled? Partnership is called a partnership for a reason: it involves both. If it does not then it's called an "INDIVIDUAL". One is either a partner or one is not. Ya just can't have it both ways.
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