alexa137 Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 ok ive posted numerous threads but not getting any answers--and i dont see my therapist til tues! my bf of a year told me 3 weeks he wants time apart-he doesnt know why or if will prove anything but we are still living together until he decides to move to his dads and i cant leave her til april 1st--he says hes staying here to help me through this rough time--he loves me etc... and i havent said anything to him for a fews days--well mostly because hes only here to sleep(couch) and i havent given him any sex since sat.. but i texted him this morning that obviously he doesnt want to with me i can tell-so you dont have to worry anymore--basically trying to get him to decide by saying that i will make the decision to end it so i dont have to wait for him--just kinda to see what he says--he says god, you act like i wont come back to you! to me that doesnt make sense-=-why wait??? i said by then it might be too late! i am so confused and ive t ried my hardest and have changed and he noticed so im thinking he really doesnt want to move out but its too hard to see him and hard not too also
taylor Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Alexa, You have received some very good advice on this forum but for some reason you are not taking it. Finances seem to be one stumbling block, but I am not so sure it's the only thing preventing you from making necessary changes in your life. You have to take a serious look at what you want out of life and what you want for your daughter(s). You also need to take a hard look at what this situation is doing to you physically, mentally and emotionally. You are a wreck. Although your situation appears to be alarming and almost unbearable, I don't think you have hit rock bottom yet. You are still holding out hope that he will have a change of heart and your relationship will somehow improve. You're willing to wait and endure a living hell to see if he will "come around." Is he really worth all that? Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is stringing you along and torturing you by his very presence. I could be way off base, but it sounds to me he is perfectly fine with your living arrangement and really doesn't want to move out. Believe me, if he really wanted to move out and get as far away as possible from you, he would have been gone long ago. Don't get me wrong. I don't think he is staying because he realizes he loves you and can't live without you. I think he is staying because he can come and go as he pleases with no strings attached and still have a roof over his head and easy access to sex. What a deal! If you really want him to move out, stop the sex. No excuses. No moment of weakness. No "one last time." STOP THE SEX. You have a vibrator. Use it. Just stay away from him. Don't make it so comfortable for him to live in the house with you. No nice meals, no wine, no comfy bed. Take down the "welcome" sign. I have a feeling once the sex and the hospitality are gone, he will vanish as well. Maybe that's what you are afraid of and so you are willing to put up with his crap. It's your choice, of course. Your only other option is for you to move. But, again, I am not so sure you are motivated enough. You haven't hit rock bottom. You aren't determined enough. I bet if he were molesting or beating your child (heaven forbid!!!) you would be out of there in a matter of hours. Where there is a will, there is a way. I am guessing you are hoping for a miracle - for this guy to "wake up" and realize he wants to be with you again and to commit to making your realtionship work. Your willing to endure an endless amount of pain and anguish, waiting for this miracle to happen. You are making a martyr of yourself. You can play the martyr and let him use you as long as he wants. In the end, he will destroy your self-esteem and make you feel utterly helpless. And then he'll walk away because he will have used you up completely. I say gather up your self-respect, your self-esteem, your determination, and any bit of strength you still have left and GET OUT or KICK HIM OUT. You need to distance yourself from him and you need time alone to get your head back together so you can start thinking straight. You can't do that with him in the house because you are an emotional basket case with him there. You need to take control over your own life. Right now you are letting him control your life and look at what a mess he is making of it. You need to be able to step back, look at the big picture, figure out who you are and what you want your future to look like. You need to figure out what is in your best interest and in the best interest of your children. I am sorry if my words to you are harsh. They aren't meant to hurt you or cause you more pain than you are already enduring. They are meant to give you a swift kick in the butt to take charge of your life and make the changes you need to make to make your life happy and worth living. We care about you here on LS and we are concerned about your well-being. But there is only so much support posters on LS can give you. You have to find the strength and determination to do the rest for yourself. Take care.
Lezbean Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Bravo Tayler, EXCELLENT post! They just offered you great, sound advice. I hope to listen. Best regards, Lez
Author alexa137 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 ok well this is the most difficult situation ive been in--i was not home when he got home from work and he texted me wondering where i was and i didnt answer riding around waiting for him to leave so i can come home well i couldnt wait anymore plus i was running out of gas! so i just kinda ignored him and helped my daughter clean her room-figuring from the note i wrote him this morning about if he wants time apart then we should totally be apart thinking he was in the bedroom packing--well i th ink he was upset not sure--but we started talking and he says cant you tell how hard it is for me to move out? i love you too much and so on....i started crying and telling him how i feel again--ive changed and wont be the way i was--started therapy last week and came to realize that it took all this to find out some things that were not going too well ---it seems no matter what i say or do--the same words come out of his mouth "i still need time" the time thing drives me crazy! and i did avoid sex and him coming to my bed since thurs but then i went out and got drunk and you know--on fri--and then sat-wed he hasnt even tried to climb into the bed--which kinda made me wonder??? anyways he says we will be together again soon--maybe two weeks but he has to move to his dads--which to me doesnt make sense at all--he knows deep in his heart what he really wants to do--i know i dont want to let go and partly because its so hard knowing how much he loves me--and this is all new to me--ive never been through this before--he must be my first real love--i had the little high school love thing years ago but was single 7 years before meeting him--and i know and feel his love and thats why its so hard--like i told him it hurts to see you and it hurts not to see you! he doesn get warm meals or wine here--he leaves after his shower after work and then goes to his dads which he usually did when eveything was fine-just not for the whole evening! they are very close! but now he just comes home 10pm or so and sleeps on the couch! but as i was crying i told him how i feel about the situation that i cant go on crying everyday and feeling sick,etc. that something has to change--and when i made the negative comment that he propbably wont come back to me he got upset--hugged me and kissed me which was hard to and hard not to--and ended up in a quickie--i know he cant go too many days without me! it was just 4 days and i know both of us were going crazy! since weve had sex everyday for 1 year! thats kinda why i want him to move out so that he will miss me, and realize that he cant live without me! i really hope im not sounding crazy or something! just praying and hoping and he always tells me to chill out--im like i cant put yourself in my shoes for once and think what i am going through! i said i wont chill out until the day you tell me you want me back in your life as your girl!
taylor Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Instead of giving him all the time in the world to decide if he wants to move out.... KICK HIM OUT!!!! Then give him all the time in the world - I mean LOTS AND LOTS of time to decide if he wants to come back. And in the meantime, you take all the time in the world to decide if you REALLY want him back in your life.
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