next step

[boredwithit]

Hi,

I am after some advice here please.

 

I have been involved with mm at work for nearly two years. He is not my boss.

I had just broken up with my b/f and I needed a distraction. I guess I thought it would be be brief fling lasting a few months, but it obviously hasn't worked out that way.

He says he is falling in in love with me and I love him.

 

Just before I went on holiday, I asked him about our future. He said that he didn't think he was going to change his life at his age (he is 51--not exactly ancient), then he said who was going to take the blame-him. I said I wasn't looking to blame anyone--he obviously doesn't want to take any responsibility for anything.

Then he looked rather coldly into my eyes and said "My children are the most important thing in my life but you are the last person I want to hurt".

 

As he was leaving me he said "why don't you walk up to my desk tomorrow before you go on holiday" and I said "OK, maybe". But I didn't and I went on holiday without seeing him.

I returned after 2 weeks and found out that he had gone on holiday for 2 weeks the day before I returned. So we haven't seen each other in 4 weeks.

As I am walking through the office, he appears quickly walking towards me and I just look at him slightly shocked, and then he turns right round and walks away quickly. He had no reason to come down to my floor for work as we cover different areas. This hapened on his first day back after his holiday.

 

A couple of hours later he is by the elevator and looks nervous. I am still involvedwith him. He tells me that he will be going to a different office next week which is 3 miles away.

Then he says that he wants to phone me, and I wonder if he is thinking he might just want a future with me or at least he is buying some time. So when he asked if he could phone, I said that was fine.

 

Well this all happened 3 months ago and he didn't phone me until nearly 3 weeks after he went to his new offices. It was only to chat and not to meet up.The next call was after 2 weeks and now it is weekly, but still no plans to met up although the calls are longer and it feels like he is leading up to asking to meet up.

 

But I am frustrated by the slowness of all this and what he is up to. I have lost confidence that he is thinking of a future with me, but I don't know why he keeps in contact unless he is just going to try and resume the affair. I just do not want to go back ino the affair, but equally I do not want to put him off in case there is a chance of a future. What are his actions saying? Why is he taking such a long time to ask to meet up?

 

I ugently need your advice as I am off work for a few days staying with a friend and want to clarify things in my mind before I return to the office tomorow.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like he's distancing himself in everyway possible from you. Going to another office 3 miles away, not calling you as much, and when he does it's just to chat and not see you. His actions are showing you (I think anyway) that your affair with him is over. He has hinted that he isn't going to change his life for you, he's 51 and too old to start over.

 

If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be so distant. I think you need to back off more, leave him alone and make a choice for yourself, don't wait for him. It is possible he's waiting for YOU to end it - He may not have the strength to do so....Hense the not seeing you and going to a different place to work.

[boredwithit]

Sounds like he's distancing himself in everyway possible from you. Going to another office 3 miles away, not calling you as much, and when he does it's just to chat and not see you. His actions are showing you (I think anyway) that your affair with him is over. He has hinted that he isn't going to change his life for you, he's 51 and too old to start over.

 

If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be so distant. I think you need to back off more, leave him alone and make a choice for yourself, don't wait for him. It is possible he's waiting for YOU to end it - He may not have the strength to do so....Hense the not seeing you and going to a different place to work.

 

 

Hi WWIU thanks for your reply.

It wasn't his choice to go to another office--his manager told him he had to go to work there on a long term project.

 

If he wants the affair to be over, why was he coming down to my office looking for me and then saying that he wanted to call me when I saw him by the elevator. I was happy to accept it was over, if he had just let it be.

Why give me hope and then dash it?

Why ask me to walk past his desk before I went on holiday--which I didn't do by he way?

If he wants me to end it, he didn't have to set me up like that. It shows he is a coward and has no thoughts for my feelings whatsoever.

I feel annoyed with him.

[whichwayisup]

Remember, this man is a liar. He is cheating on his wife, betraying his whole family...He isn't and hasn't considered his wife's feelings, has he? I mean, if he did, he never would have cheated on her! So, why do you think he'd treat you any better? Do you trust him 100%, knowing that he's lying to his wife, his kids, his friends, his inlaw and his parents? He's leading a double life, they have no clue.

 

He also more than likely isn't going to give it all up for you. A history with his wife, the house, the lifestyle, all of that - Give it up for the "unknown"?

 

Hope that makes sense to you.

 

Look, bottomline, what do YOU want? To be his OW for years to come? To be alone at Xmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and other holidays? Don't you want a man who you can love, show off to the world, maybe have kids with him one day? Create a family, build a life with him? Thing is, it won't be with the MM....SO, if you are happy with as things are - Being put after his wife, his kids, his work, his friends, then stay. But, I think you want more! You DO deserve more...Just not from him. He is only capable of giving you small doses of what you want, not enough to keep you happy forever.

 

And think of this, you're helping him cheat on his wife, betraying his family too. How long will it be before someone at work realizes you two are having an affair and someone tells his wife? If she finds out, do you expect him to end his marriage and jump ship to you? The chances of that happening are really low...If she finds out, you better be prepared for the fallout as from what I've read here on LS, the OW gets hung out to dry. He'll make it seem like YOU chased him and all it was in his mind was abit of fun, that he didn't ever love you - And you'll be left broken hearted and alone, while he goes home to make things right again with wife.

 

You have options, so don't let HIM make the choices for you. Take control of your life.

[boredwithit]

I understand what you are saying--I should see the bigger picture about a future or lack of it with him.

 

Deep down, I believe that if a man wants to be with you he will be beating down your door to do it. Quite frankly if my mm wants to have a future with me he should be pursuing me a little more than one phone call a week or a fortnight.

I think he might get some sadistic pleasure from doing this and he is going out of his way to show me how insignificant I am in his life. It is like he is rubbing my nose in it-taking away any dignity I ever had. However you can see why I was confused with the mixed signals he is giving.

 

Game over I think. It is crap and it is time I moved on and left him alone to get on with his marriage or find another OW

[whichwayisup]

He is selfish and putting his own needs first, above yours, above his wife and above his children's as well.

 

His actions are showing you something, so listen to them! You're his ego feed, when he wants attention, or some 'lovin', he'll come to you.

 

You're on the right track about thinking ahead and thinking of ending it. Sure, it will hurt but you'll be better off in the long run. Just imagine your life 2-5 years from now, do you really want to be the OW in his life as things are now? My guess is no...