Manipulated and betrayed!

[boshemia]

Don't worry about getting an attorney just yet sweetie. The way the system works you don't need one, Child Support Services functions as you attorney in this matter...

 

As for worrying about visitation, don't worry about it until it happens. Child support and visitation are seperate issues, and are handled in different court hearings. Once again visitation is set by the State... it is a fairly standard arrangement, every other weekend, and every other holiday type thing. He has to ask for it, and if he does you will likely not have much to say about it. The court will look at their little list and choose what is best for the child.

 

Don't stress yourself out worrying about the "what if's..." there are a lot of them, and most of them will work themselves out. Worrying about them will change nothing.

 

As for him, let him deal with it... he got himself into it and he is not likely to get himself out of it. My current husband can tell you that they don't make things easy on the father... they seized his checking account, took his taxes, and threatened to take his license for being three months behind due to an injury. All in all They took over $1000 MORE than what he owed. They also just garnished my ex-husbands page saying he was behind and he wasn't. I even wrote a letter saying he was current and they are still showing him as behind... so you really don't have to do ANYTHING... They are not nice people, but they do their jobs well...

 

The talking to the wife thing... why do you want to talk to her. I get the feeling that you feel bad about it and you really just want her to know that you weren't aware of the situation, and you never meant to hurt her.

 

Honestly, I don't think she'll care. My ex cheated on me a few times, and I stayed. I was brainwashed, and as much as I like to think of myself as a logical and rational woman. Had one of the girls ended up pregnant I would have taken his side over hers... that's how women in bad marriages survive, by refusing to take the blinders off.

 

I would just wait... if she eventually asks you about it then you will have your chance. But don't expect her to believe you, or forgive you... however, please don't hold it against yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, and you have nothing to feel guilty for.

 

Good Luck

[norajane]

I certainly don’t want the father in our lives, if nothing else he would be a horrible influence – the sort of person I would never willingly allow within a hundred yards of a child of mine.

 

@norajane and MoonGirl: I would like to think that I wouldn’t take him back now if he crawled to me begging on hands and knees but nothing is ever easy…

 

You contradict yourself. You don't want him around your child, yet you leave the door open if he crawls "back" to you. You really, really need to have a clear head now, without romanticizing the brief affair you had with this guy.

 

If you can say this:

 

It may seem wrong but I do feel faint residual feelings for him too. He did make me feel loved at first and even though I know intellectually he didn’t mean it I feel a vague, irrational resentment against the wife for being his other mate so to speak and due to the fact that for whatever reason he still wants to be with her (probably to exploit her though) and completely shuns me even though I carry his child.

 

Then you ought to be able to understand why his wife would stay with him. His wife is married to him. She has a whole life with him. You had a few weeks and are attached with feelings and felt loved...how do you think she felt when she married him and throughout their married life?

 

She is not his "other mate". You are the Other Woman who had a brief fling with him. She is his Wife and has a much stronger attachment to their life together than you could have possibly formed in a few short weeks of sex. She's not just going to drop that without some effort.

 

AND even if she did, that does not mean he is going to suddenly become the husband and father you wish him to be. He may still not want to have anything to do with you.

 

It seems likely to me that it could be comforting for her to blame me unconditionally for all this. That is what often happens when people are betrayed by someone they loved, they use wishful thinking to comfort themselves.

 

Don't fall into that trap of comforting yourself with wishful thinking, either.

 

my child is now my primary concern, it really is all I have left. I don’t know what my family will think of this

 

Why haven't you told your family? They are the ones who can help you through this - you will need them since you are to be a single mother.

[boshemia]

Children are never convienent, they are brought into bad situations all the time. That doesn't make them any less of a blessing. I know many people who are rasing children that came as a result of rape. One of whom is required to share parenting time WITH the rapist. It's not the best of situations, but it doesn't stop her from loving her child.

 

There will always be people who will say a child shouldn't be brought into a certain situation. Don't have kids until you can afford it is a favorite. Most people never really reach a place where they can truly afford kids, kids grow up having to wear wal-mart clothes, never getting to go to Disneyland, parents who can't afford to put them through college.

 

I shouldn't have brought three children into a bad marriage, but I did. I even had a little bit of help in the matter. My kids are my life. I can't afford them, but I can sacrifice. I can't do a lot of things, but I can love them. I'm proud of them, and you know... maybe I didn't have any business bringing them into this world.

 

But I truly believe that they will find their own special way of changing the world. They already make it a brighter place to live, and even if they change the life of one person... they are here for a reason... and I can't imagine life without them.

[Guestraye522]

I am so sorry for you. By all means get him for child support! Having an affair isn't a good thing, but he needs to take responsibility for this child.

[Erik]

You have foisted upon this guy the lifelong responsibility for another human being. Now, he is in a situation where he can choose between his marriage and his child. If he chooses the first, he loses a part of his humanity, if he chooses the second, he is jeopardizing his family.

[stillhere]

You have foisted upon this guy the lifelong responsibility for another human being. Now, he is in a situation where he can choose between his marriage and his child. If he chooses the first, he loses a part of his humanity, if he chooses the second, he is jeopardizing his family.

 

 

Not only did this guy have sex with her willingly, he did it MANY MANY times!!

 

She did not force a child upon him. If he didn't feel like protecting himself from the possibility of pregnancy, he needs to be a MAN and take care of his responsibility. I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for any man who just wants to get a wet willy and doesn't feel like putting on a condom.

 

He has a choice to make, but that's his problem. He lied to her about being married. Too bad, so sad. He needs to suck it up and finally take responsibility for his actions in this situation. Maybe he'll think twice next time he wants to have an amazing vacation for a few weeks with another woman.

[Erik]

Not only did this guy have sex with her willingly, he did it MANY MANY times!!

 

All right. It should be self-evident from my comment how I reach that verdict, but let's take it one more time:

 

Of course the guy is a bastard and such, but the fact that he did it with her many times amount to the guy saying that the girl willingly went with him to his room. The girl chose to involve herself with a stranger and 'forgot' the contraception. I realise the man should just have assumed she was lying about contraception, I would've done that, but then I've become very old an jaded the last couple of years. For most men, the thought that someone could foist a baby upon them just like that is so foreign, they never take the possibility into account.

 

From the guy's perspective, this was a consensual relationship. She abused it, and yes, she FORCED the baby upon him, a shocking number of women has that M.O. It's not like he was asked if he wanted to have a baby, is it?. Will you all congratulate the guy too? Or the baby?

[Erik]

Shulky is irresponsible in the extreme. A child will not fix Shulky's life, contrary to what everybody seems to think, it will make Shulky's life miserable and the kid will suffer from that.

 

And yes, come time, chance is that the kid will grow into a mature person with a fairly normal life, human beings are remarkably resilient, but the kid is in for VERY hard times before (s)he will come to terms with the way (s)he was incepted. If ever (s)he does. This child has the deck stacked against it.

[stillhere]

It should be self-evident from my comment how I reach that verdict, but let's take it one more time:

 

Of course the guy is a bastard and such, but the fact that he did it with her many times amount to the guy saying that the girl willingly went with him to his room. The girl chose to involve herself with a stranger and 'forgot' the contraception. I realise the man should just have assumed she was lying about contraception, I would've done that, but then I've become very old an jaded the last couple of years. For most men, the thought that someone could foist a baby upon them just like that is so foreign, they never take the possibility into account.

 

From the guy's perspective, this was a consensual relationship. She abused it, and yes, she FORCED the baby upon him, a shocking number of women has that M.O. It's not like he was asked if he wanted to have a baby, is it?. Will you all congratulate the guy too? Or the baby? That is even worse, but I guess Herenow has taken care of that particular part of this sorry mess, not that you've understood a word of what she said.

 

 

This MM was always in control of the situation. He had choices and if pregnancy was the farthest thing from his mind, then that is his problem.

 

Yes, she was involved as well, and i'm not condoning her actions, but people make mistakes. Let those who have not sinned cast the first stone. ALL of us have made mistakes, and the key is to learn from them.

 

Shulky has made a choice, and that is to keep her baby. She will have hard times ahead, but all of us do. Not one person with a child has it easy. Granted it will be a little harder since she must do it alone, but there are thousands of single mothers out there who give their all to their children. Why is this baby suddenly going to suffer for the rest of it's life?

 

I have understood every word that HN has said. I don't agree with her, but i do understand. Apparently you don't understand what i'm saying then because you don't agree with me. We can agree to disagree.

 

It just upsets me when this poor girl comes here for help and she's nailed to a cross because of a mistake. No one knows what will happen in the future.

[stillhere]

This man now has a child for life BECAUSE HE CHOSE NOT TO PROTECT HIMSELF. End of story. If he would have used some common sense, he wouldn't be in this situation. If he wouldn't have lied or more importantly, if he had stayed faithful to his W, he wouldn't be in this situation. Shulky should not have all the blame placed on her.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions

[Erik]

If he would have used some common sense, he wouldn't be in this situation. If he wouldn't have lied or more importantly, if he had stayed faithful to his W, he wouldn't be in this situation.

 

So the girl that goes to a boy's room is responsible for everything that follows, end of story? She should just have used common sense, protected herself? If she had stayed home by the telly, then she wouldn't have been in this situation?

[stillhere]

So the girl that goes to a boy's room is responsible for everything that follows, end of story? She should just have used common sense, protected herself? If she had stayed home by the telly, then she wouldn't have been in this situation?

 

 

This right here is absurd (in bold). You are downplaying a predators actions. You are once again placing all the blame on the female. In a perfect world, we would be able to know the intentions of every POS we came across, but we can't.

 

Both people involved in a CONSENSUAL sexual relationship have the means and ability to protect THEMSELVES from unwanted pregnancy and STD's. Because the male in shulky's situation chose not to, that's the price he must pay.

 

And yes i do know of a man that got a girl pregnant because he was only thinking with one head. No, he wasn't married, but she was a one night stand. Guess what...........he was a MAN about it and took responsibility and that child is very happy and very loved. Don't tell me what i do or do not know.

[boshemia]

I have been helping my husband raise a child for the last five years that was the product of a one night stand turned that turned into a life time commitment...

 

Her mother said she was taking birth control as well... so the situation isn't all that different, only my husband wasn't married at the time. We send her almost $600 a month, every single month for a child that he was never consulted on either. My Step-daughter has had six "daddies" in six years... she says it's almost like Christmas.

 

I can get a little bitter about the situation from time to time, like when her mother asks them to raise the child support when she is already getting almost as much for one child as I get for three. However, She is beautiful and we love her with all of our hearts, I am a mother of three children of my own and she is every bit a part of the family as my children are. I would lay down my life for her as I would any of my children.

 

I just make it a point not to judge others, because who am I to judge anyone? We have all done things in our lives that could have been avoided, or at the very least handled a bit better. I make mistakes just like anyone else, and I expect myself to take responsibility for those mistakes.

[Erik]

Both people involved in a CONSENSUAL sexual relationship have the means and ability to protect THEMSELVES from unwanted pregnancy and STD's. Because the male in shulky's situation chose not to, that's the price he must pay.

 

So in my example, it's predator behavior, but in this case it's all high principles about personal responsibility? Was the child consensual? No. I gather human frailty doesn't impress you much, but few men would distrust a girl they were having consensual sex with if she told him she was protected. Maybe naive, but that's men for you, just like the girl going with the drunken fratboy. The reason this never crosses a man's mind, is that he could never himself imagine he would want to have a kid that way. And 'accidental' pregnancies are also predator behaviour. I'll take Bohemias cue; we won't get further than this, we've been covering the same turf the last five or six posts.

 

I trust you will spare a kind thought for the kid, he (or she) is the only innocent in this matter and the one that will pay the biggest price.

[QueenMAlice]

It should be self-evident from my comment how I reach that verdict, but let's take it one more time:

 

Of course the guy is a bastard and such, but the fact that he did it with her many times amount to the guy saying that the girl willingly went with him to his room. The girl chose to involve herself with a stranger and 'forgot' the contraception. I realise the man should just have assumed she was lying about contraception, I would've done that, but then I've become very old an jaded the last couple of years. For most men, the thought that someone could foist a baby upon them just like that is so foreign, they never take the possibility into account.

 

From the guy's perspective, this was a consensual relationship. She abused it, and yes, she FORCED the baby upon him, a shocking number of women has that M.O. It's not like he was asked if he wanted to have a baby, is it?. Will you all congratulate the guy too? Or the baby?

 

Contraception is equally both of their responsibilities. She is not at fault any more than he is- they are equally at fault. If I were a guy and I really didn't want to get someone pregnant, I don't care what kind of contraception she is on, I would bring back up or pull out or something. It's not a matter of trusting what the other person said, it's a matter of taking extra precautions to help myself out. Even as a woman, if I am going to sleep with someone, I am going to make sure I am protected regardless of whatever kind of protection he's using.

 

I also read your other posts, are you even sure that she got pregnant on purpose? And what is "was the child consentual?...no" like this guy didn't know that by having sex pregnancy can happen. I don't care what you men say about yourselves, but I refuse to buy that men who impregnate women "didn't know it was going to happen" or "didn't mean for it to happen." It's common knowledge that sex leads to pregnancy if the people having it aren't protecting themselves. I also refuse to believe that men can't think about that **** when they're all hot and bothered, just like I refuse to believe that men can't help themselves when it comes to sex. I wonder if people realize that by saying those kinds of things they are saying that men are incompetant and stupid.

[GreenEyedLady]

What's absurd is to expect one partner to be solely responsible for birth control...

 

This man was just plain stupid...he made his bed, now he can lie in it...

[Shulky]

What form of contraception is completely reliable? Anyone committing adultery knows that they are taking the risk of having an illegitimate child.

[norajane]

What form of contraception is completely reliable? Anyone committing adultery knows that they are taking the risk of having an illegitimate child.

 

Contraception doesn't work at all, no matter how reliable it is, if you don't actually use it. Since the burden of having a child falls squarely on your shoulders, you knew full well that you were taking a risk by not protecting yourself since he wasn't using a condom. That's not to say this MM is absolved of responsibility, but neither are you.

 

It's very important for you to take responsibility for your actions, because only by facing the reality of this situation, can you expect to deal with the consequences in an adult way.

 

And for the third time, I am asking you: have you talked to your family yet? They can help you through this, they can help you with your child. You will have to stop your waitressing at some point to have this baby, so please make some provisions for your family to help you when that time comes.

[NearlyThere]

It seems that people have no problem in reading the question or statement that the OP has posted but a lot of people dont seem to bother reading the very first pinned thread on most of the forums.

 

So for those of you who can be bothered to post but cant be bothered to read the very first one which contains the guidelines. Here is a snippit.

 

"However I've noticed that frequently in some discussions members respond to a post in order to voice their own emotions about a similar issue that they are involved in, or to validate their own feelings and choices, or even in some cases to simply berate, mock, or derogate the poster.

 

This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner.

 

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. We cannot list every conceivable sentence, phrase, or word that a person could post, and declare whether or not it is acceptable. Our rules prohibit personal attacks (see our guidelines for a definition: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines), but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate. "

 

 

So I should imagine that those people whose posts were removed did not follow these guidelines. So it was not the fact that people did not neccessarily agree with what the OP said, but the way in which some people replied, which was certainly not done in a respectful or helpful manner.

[Shulky]

It has been a while since I was last on this thread and received so much flaming and horrendous verbal abuse...

 

Well for all your information my darling girl can now speak to me by combining words and take off her dress by herself and pretend to feed her doll. She is so precious. I regret nothing I really don't want to come across as impolite so I won't tell Erik what I think of him!

[Owl]

I don't think that Erik's been here for the better part of two years or so. So no worries there.

 

How did child support work out for you?

 

Glad to hear that your daughter is doing so well!

[NoIDidn't]

Yeah, by reviving this thread, I was wondering about Child support too - since no mention of MM is made.

 

All children are beautiful. The circumstances that they are born into aren't always. So its no surprise that you are enjoying your daughter.

 

Was this just a drive by post, shulky?

[desertmoon]

I understand Erik's position. Shulky, you have to understand that you set yourself up for a predator like your ex-lover. This is a good time for you to do some introspection and develop some skills for self-preservation and self-pride-for your own sake and your child's.

 

Check out what you said here:

... my social skills are not great so finding a great partner, grabbing them and tying them down is not something I have been able to do.

That is a telling statement from someone quite desperate and this is why you are in the predicament you are in. Never sell yourself short again.

 

Re: child support. If you are in the US, you do not really need a lawyer to get it. Once paternity is established, the government will make sure you will get support.

 

Re: visitation. You can't make someone want to be a father. If he does not want to be a part of your child's life...let it be...and forge a life with your child without him.

 

Re: MM's wife. Leave her alone. Do not contact her. She has not done anything wrong to you. You will not get your ex-lover back by talking to her.

 

Do not be harsh with yourself. You are not a bad mother, because you are not even a mother yet! being a good mother has more to do with how you raise your child and less to do with your past.

[sadintexas]

I am concerned about the visitation rights however... he is obviously an uncaring parent and furthermore, if his wife is foolish enough to stay in the marriage would she get contact with my baby as well? It would not be too pessimistic to expect that she would be the sort of stepmother who would make the one in Snow White or Cinderella seem loving and caring :(

 

That's a totally unfair characterization of someone you don't know (his wife).

[Shulky]

Hello everyone.

 

Thank you for your thoughts owl and noididn't.

 

@Desertmoon - I am glad I am not in the US given that physicians there still do Victorian genital mutilation to babies, but you would already know about that working in the medical field?

 

@sadintexas and bentnotbroken: That guy told me that the wife was emotionally abusive, but I know his word was worth nothing *sighs* I don't want to discuss him, but I know he did this kind of thing with other women...