Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Hello everyone I am new to this site. I never would have believed it possible, but I am now technically an 'Other Woman!' I have had difficulties in the past with starting my own family - I have had health problems and financial difficulties and my social skills are not great so finding a great partner, grabbing them and tying them down is not something I have been able to do. Currently I do an evening job as a waitress in an hotel. One evening I was serving a strikingly handsome man who was staying at the hotel and during our conversation he invited me on a date. To cut a long story short, we had a passionate sexual relationship for several weeks and he told me how beautiful I was and how much he had fallen in love with me many times. I was thrilled, because I felt that my dream of having my own family were coming into fruition. However, it turns out that he lied to me and used me. I found out after he left when I attempted to contact him - he is still married! He told me he had had a divorce!! :mad: In actual fact he has a wife he is still with. Furthermore I am now pregnant by him and he doesn't want to know me any more!! :mad: I am so mad that I want to hurt him physically. He has not only manipulated and betrayed both me and his wife, but has blighted the life of our baby! This is the gravest consequence of his wrongdoing. How when the time comes I am going to look my child in the face and explain this?? :( The thought makes me want to cry. I am actually really really upset. It's like I'm a bad mother from the very beginning. :( I believe his wife knows, but is still with him... I feel that as they have no children she should just leave him... I really don't know however if she doesn't fully understand or if she is in denial... I don't know how I could talk to her and explain she obviously wouldn't want to see me and I don't think I could face her anyway. My priority is to take care of me and my baby. It's not going to be easy, but I have always wanted a baby and though these are not at all the circumstances I would want to be pregnant in, if I can have a healthy child it will be a good ending for the whole disaster. I'm thinking that I should attempt to stick the b@stard for child support... with my finances as they are I'm not sure if I can afford all the right baby clothes and cot and other necessities that my baby should have... the trouble is I'm not an expert - I suppose if the matter were taken to court I would have to prove he is the other biological parent and then he would be liable for costs but get no visitation rights? If I have my way our child won't even know he exists! Thank you for reading and any advice appreciated. xoxoxo
Jinxx Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Two words -- CHILD SUPPORT! This is a mistake he subjected himself for the next 18 years. Go for it!
Author Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Thank you for reading Jinxx... but I still don't know how much money taking this to court would be... he doesn't want to know me or our child exist :( If I took it to court would I have to pay alot up front?
boshemia Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Actually child support is a pretty simple process. You fill out the paperwork and they do the rest. They will call him in for a DNA test, and give you the results. They also determine the amount of child support. Here in Colorado it is a standard 33% of his income, in California I've been told it can be up to 50%... You don't have to see him or deal with him in any way. So don't stress about that part. As for being a bad Mom already, there are people in worse situations. Just love your baby and you will do fine. There are no rules in aprenting other than the ones we have in our heads about the way things "should" be. They never really turn out the way they "should", but they have a way of turning out just fine. Just tell your child that they were a gift meant just for you. I'm sorry he did this to you. I dated a few guys that were taken and somehow just forgot... How someone forgets that they are married I will never know, but it does happen. Don't be too hard on yourself, just take care of you, take care of your little one and let him deal with the explaining child support obligations to his wife.
Author Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Thank you *hugs* I will certainly start the ball rolling. I just wish I could fastforward to where I can just hold my baby without having to worry about courts and the tangle or broken relationships anymore
puddleofmud Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Let me first congratulate you on the baby you have so long waited! Secondly, I am sorrowful that you have had to go through such a trial to find yourself (finally!) in this Blessed place. Last but not least motherhood and parenting contain different parameters. Motherhood is a given but parenthood is reality. No parenthood is without difficulties (ask those of us who have parented teenagers!), so don't consider YOURS any less difficult of anything required by a parent-- a parent steps up to the plate and does what one must do. This reality bursts the bubble of most every expectant parent. Lovely smelling, darling bundles of joy are pure propaganda! Should any one know what children are capable--NO ONE would want them! Don't consider child support, ect anything ugly--just your new job--which won't get too much prettier... It will get far more interesting, however, so take good care of yourself and know that you can do whatever it takes to love and protect your little one even when they are not so little and their cleets stink to high hell and tear up your carpet. As far as the father having no access; it is federal law (even if the father is an incarcerated drug addicted criminal!) and you cannot deny that so expect to have to allow reasonable visitation. This is just the beginning so don't let this sour your happiness nor upset your health--the end will be more beautiful than you could imagine!
Author Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 haha thankyou yes, I am infact aware that being a parent is always exceedingly hard work, nothing like having a pet or a doll. I am as it happens an oldest sibling, I've seen alot of little brothers coming into the world and they have driven me up the wall but I adored them anyway. Even when they are still very young there are all kinds of issues from basic changing nappies and experiencing tantrums up to being responsible for the child's development. And of course this doesn't touch on adolescence:eek: I love babies and children despite all the trials they can provide, the part which really weighs on me is this issue with the father... he really shouldn't be allowed visitation rights if he wouldn't be with me for the sake of the baby... it really complicates the issue of how I explain our circumstances to my child anyway. I'm afraid that I don't know if I am going to be able to trust a new acquaintace again after this :( I wish me and my baby could just go and live in seclusion from everyone else so that we don't have to worry about him or anyone else hurting us.
Motor35 Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Go for the child support. You won't even have to deal with him. Your state (or attorney general's office) will do most of the footwork for you. There will be paperwork and paternity tests. Don't stress on providing for your child. He is responsible too.
Author Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 I am concerned about the visitation rights however... he is obviously an uncaring parent and furthermore, if his wife is foolish enough to stay in the marriage would she get contact with my baby as well? It would not be too pessimistic to expect that she would be the sort of stepmother who would make the one in Snow White or Cinderella seem loving and caring :(
stillhere Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 As POM said, he is entitled to visitation, but he may not take you up on that offer. The courts will be sure to make him pay for child support, but if he doesn't want to see his child, all the better for you and your baby. I'm not sure where you live, and if it's outside the US, i'm not sure how they do things, but start the paperwork now. If you don't have insurance and are on public assistance, the courts will go after HIM for the medical expenses when the child is born. In the US, the father is responsible for a certain amount of the bills. Where i live, i believe it's $2,500. I'm so sorry that he lied and did this to you, but you have an amazing little person growing inside you. It was not your fault, you were lied to. If he didn't want a child, he should have taken the extra precautions to eliminate that possibility. He now must deal with his W and the havoc he has wreaked (hope i spelled that right! ). Take care of yourself and try not to let this get to you. You have to stay strong for that baby. Pregnancy, even if it is without complications, will take a toll on you, so please look out for yourself and that baby first. Keep us updated and best of luck.
Motor35 Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I am concerned about the visitation rights however... he is obviously an uncaring parent and furthermore, if his wife is foolish enough to stay in the marriage would she get contact with my baby as well? It would not be too pessimistic to expect that she would be the sort of stepmother who would make the one in Snow White or Cinderella seem loving and caring :( He might not have any interest being involved with your baby. If he does, the courts will help decide what is appropriate for visitation. (I apologize for hijacking).... My father did this to my mother. About 3 or 4 years after they got married, he got another woman pregnant. He was ordered to pay CS and really didn't have contact with that OW and child. When my half-brother got a little older (about 13-ish) he wanted to meet his dad. My dad and him have regular contact now and so do my (full) brother and sister. I really have no interest in having a relationship with him, nor does my mom. I guess I am trying to say, your MM might not have any interest in having a relationship with your baby. Did you say he knows you are pregnant?
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I absolutely agree. Child support. Find a lawyer who specializes in this area. Most offer free consulatations. They will also be able to explain the filing fees process not to mention who pays for the DNA testing as it is quite expensive. Do not do this on your own.
stillhere Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I am concerned about the visitation rights however... he is obviously an uncaring parent and furthermore, if his wife is foolish enough to stay in the marriage would she get contact with my baby as well? It would not be too pessimistic to expect that she would be the sort of stepmother who would make the one in Snow White or Cinderella seem loving and caring :( I'm not sure how the courts will handle his W, but it can't hurt to bring it up to them. The circumstances were not your fault. Since the child will have contact with his W if he chooses to see the child, then maybe the courts can set up rules. For instances, she is not allowed to be at the pick up/drop off site. That is, if she is nasty towards you. Maybe she is a loving and caring person and realizes that you were mislead and not at fault. If she is a danger to the child, i'm hoping the courts will not allow the child to be in her presence. He may have to have supervised visits with the child alone. Something to bring up when you go to file for child support.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I don't know how I could talk to her and explain she obviously wouldn't want to see me and I don't think I could face her anyway. Why not? You are one of those rare situations where you didn't know that the man you were involved with was married. You also didn't throw caution to the wind once you found out and decide to continue carrying on with him under those circumstances. Absolutely nothing to feel bad about by telling the truth, here. You are one of the rare few who can actually claim 'victim status' and won't need to invent alibis or excuses to cover up the fact that you enabled this creep to bamboozle everyone. Your hands are clean. Now I'd make sure his were tied behind his back until he takes responsibility to clean up after the mess he's made of everything. Tell the wife and get your child support. That ought to teach him a lesson he won't soon forget and make him think twice about taking advantage of people like that ever again.
herenow Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Do you know the wife personally? Because you are making some rather bold comments about her. You say that she is a fool for staying with her husband and you say that she would make a wicked step mother seem loving and caring. How do you know these things to be true? You seem to have such hatred for someone you don't know. What has she done to you to make you say these things? You say that you didn't know he was married, so it can't be that he told you anything about his wife to make you feel this way. It's obvious, since they don't have any kids for him to use as an excuse to stay, that there is something keeping them together and that both of them have decided to stay in the marriage. If you request child support, the wife will become part of your child's life, even if it's only that she knows part of her husbands income will be going to your child. If he does decide that he wants to be part of his child's life, there is not much you can do about it unless he has done something that proves he is not fit to be around. I don't think having an affair is grounds for a person losing parental rights. If you don't know his wife, you are making assumptions that might not be true. She might not be the horrible person you portray her to be.
norajane Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 it turns out that he lied to me and used me. He has not only manipulated and betrayed both me and his wife I believe his wife knows, but is still with him... I feel that as they have no children she should just leave him... I really don't know however if she doesn't fully understand or if she is in denial... What makes you think his wife even knows anything about you or the baby? You know he lied to you - what makes you think he hasn't been lying to his wife the whole time? Most cheaters LIE LIE LIE to their wives so they don't get caught, and LIE LIE LIE even more if their wife becomes suspicious of something. And even if she did know, she's not just going to get out of your way and hand her husband over to you. You really know nothing about their marriage or history, and cannot expect her to just leave him. Marriage is a commitment - you can't know how she feels about him...perhaps her love for him will make her want to repair their marriage. Lots of marriages survive infidelity and end up even stronger in the end. My question is, if you know he's such a liar and manipulator, why do you even want him? Wouldn't you be in denial if you accepted him into your life if his wife just handed him over to you? if his wife is foolish enough to stay in the marriage would she get contact with my baby as well? It would not be too pessimistic to expect that she would be the sort of stepmother who would make the one in Snow White or Cinderella seem loving and caring Frankly, I doubt this man is going to want a warm, fuzzy relationship filled with visitation and trips to Disneyland, so your fears about his wife having contact with your child are probably unfounded. Even if I'm wrong, you still have no idea what his wife is like - she is his VICTIM, too, you know. She could be a lovely person who has no idea her scumbag husband is cheating on her and having unprotected sex and making babies. She'll probably be heartbroken when she finds out, will feel like her whole world has crumbled around her, and like she has lost everything she held dear. Can you find it in your heart to feel just a little compassion for her, instead of assuming she is a monster who will treat your child like dirt? When this all comes to light and you do eventually meet her, please treat her like a human being who has been betrayed in the worst way by her husband, and not like your adversary. If you show her some respect, she is more likely to treat you and your child with respect, too.
MoonGirl Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 I agree with norajane. His wife likely knows nothing about you or the baby.
Author Shulky Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 Thank you for your input everyone. @stillhere: Thank you. You are of course absolutely right, my child is a beautiful and innocent creature in the making and the worst consequence of this is that it is already the victim worst hit. I certainly don’t want the father in our lives, if nothing else he would be a horrible influence – the sort of person I would never willingly allow within a hundred yards of a child of mine. But some board members seem to think that there would be nothing I could do to stop it if he wanted contact. Nothing legal anyway. I can’t really predict what opinion the betrayed wife might form on my baby. If she does stay with her adulterous husband then she will not view baby from a mother’s point of view as I do, but most likely as a living reminder of the father’s treachery. Betrayal is a powerful thing and can have terrible effects even on those who normally seem mild mannered. I don’t want there to be any chance of my child being in danger so will certainly warn the courts of my point of view. Your spelling is perfect *kisses* @motor35: yes he knows I am pregnant. @Enigmaxoxo: Thank you for your supportive post. Although he lied to me and said he was already divorced I am betting he has told her that the affair was my fault. That is the only reason I can think of that she would stay with him. It seems likely to me that it could be comforting for her to blame me unconditionally for all this. That is what often happens when people are betrayed by someone they loved, they use wishful thinking to comfort themselves. I hate confrontations. I would rather that he could not hurt her anymore of course… @herenow: You may have misread my original post – he told me that he was already divorced, not that I am his first ever partner. In reality he is still married. He said that his wife had been emotionally abusive, but it is possible that he was lying of course. @norajane and MoonGirl: I would like to think that I wouldn’t take him back now if he crawled to me begging on hands and knees but nothing is ever easy… I must have got pregnant during our affair at the hotel and I contacted him after he left to tell him I was throwing up in the mornings and that is how I found out that he had a wife. I was completely devastated, I feel it would have been easier if I had been hit on the head with a hammer instead. I still wake up crying at nights. I gave him an ultimatum that he had to marry me as he had suggested we would do someday, but then he turned pretty nasty, I don’t want to go into it and his wife learned what was going on… she does know that he betrayed her. I do feel sorry for her, but my child is now my primary concern, it really is all I have left. I don’t know what my family will think of this It may seem wrong but I do feel faint residual feelings for him too. He did make me feel loved at first and even though I know intellectually he didn’t mean it I feel a vague, irrational resentment against the wife for being his other mate so to speak and due to the fact that for whatever reason he still wants to be with her (probably to exploit her though) and completely shuns me even though I carry his child. I know the fault is all his, but my feelings about the wife are very mixed up and painful. At the end of this I just want what is best for my son/daughter.
smokenmirrors Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Although he lied to me and said he was already divorced I am betting he has told her that the affair was my fault. That is the only reason I can think of that she would stay with him. what makes you think he told her about you at all??? what makes you think everything he tells you about his wife is true? he said this, he said that, he did this, he did that. truth is, you don't know jack squat about his situation. he told YOU he was divorced, you see how that turned out to be true, isn't that right? if you don't want him in you and your new baby's life, forget the child support and be a big girl, admit your mistake in this (not using birth control) and raise the child yourself. he may just decide that he wants to be a part of the childs life and....there is nothing you can do to keep his wife away from the child if he's given visitation. the wife has nothing to do with what he did. direct your feelings to whom they belong, MM.
Author Shulky Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 mmm, right, but there is this thing called currency smokenmirrors, or should I say money? On my current budget I can't get all the things on my list of provisions for when the baby comes so I've got to get more somehow and try all possible ways. I'm reconsidering Enigmaxoxo's idea now. If I could meet the wife I could explain things to her, but the trouble is how she might react and I've no idea what she is really like and in my pregnant condition I must not get into a fight
smokenmirrors Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 If you can't afford to raise this child on your own, perhaps you should consider other options. If you need to depend on this man to take care of the future of this child, perhaps you should think of alternatives. Maybe think of the best interest of the child, instead of yourself and your wants and desires. The likelihood of you ending up with your MM are slim to none, sorry, but that's the reality. Thinking you can force yourself into this MM's life because you failed to take precautions and you became pregnant, will only backfire on you.
Author Shulky Posted March 8, 2007 Author Posted March 8, 2007 Exactly what sort of a person are you who condones his actions?
Guest Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 No No No. Do not meet with her as much as you want too. Do everything legally and by the book. Go NC with them until your lawyer says different. You'd be surprised how many like you have had harrassment charges brought on them because of the emotional turmiol of the situation. After she finds outs and after everything is at least legally in motion and IF she approaches you then talk to her if you still want too.
smokenmirrors Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I don't condone his actions, but neither do I condone yours. The reality here is, you met a guy one night while you were working. He invited you out on a date, which turned into a mad passionate few week affair while he was here on business. You used no protection while having sex with a stranger you just met. Sorry dear, but I don't feel any sympathy for you, or for him. If you weren't in a good place financially to be capable of raising a child, you shouldn't be having unprotected sex. There's no excuse for it. Don't blame him for all of your problems. You had choices and you made them. Be a big girl and own them.
pricillia Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 mmm, right, but there is this thing called currency smokenmirrors, or should I say money? On my current budget I can't get all the things on my list of provisions for when the baby comes so I've got to get more somehow and try all possible ways. I'm reconsidering Enigmaxoxo's idea now. If I could meet the wife I could explain things to her, but the trouble is how she might react and I've no idea what she is really like and in my pregnant condition I must not get into a fight HI Shulky... no I would not get into a relationship with the wife...Now you have to think about the baby and what is right, the MM has to help provide for the baby... You can not go back in time and worry about what you could have done, I know that you are taking responsibility for your actions by thinking about the baby and his/her future... reguardless of the night of passion that you had with MM(which I am sure you have taken responsibility for) he should have told you about his realationship with his wife and not told you that he was divorced.
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