avasmomman06 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 Occasionally (ok, well, often here lately), guys that my husband works with will ask him to go out for drinks after work. Since most of them don't get off work til 9 or 10, thats when my husband leaves and he usually doesn't get home til between 2 and 3 in the morning at the bar, playing pool, and singing karaoke. These guys he's with aren't married and I don't know them very well, so who knows what kind of guys they are...but obviously they should see that ring on his finger. Does this mean I dont trust my hubby? Also, he finds nothing wrong with being out that late because the baby is in bed anyways so whats the big deal? On my end, I worry about him being out that late. I just cringe when he says the guys have asked me to go out tonight. I guess i'm jealous. I think part of my feelings stems from me being home all the time with the baby. I'm currently stay at home mom and I don't get out alot, especially with it being cold outside still here in Indiana...i just dont wanna get the baby out. I'm also nursing and I can't pump that much considering she eats all the time so I can't leave and go out and have my husband watch her. I just think things are sort of "unfair" right now. I mean we BOTH decided to have a baby and its a shared responsibility...so does that mean he still gets to go out to bars til late hours in the morning? Or am i just being a cold hearted you-know-what?
Asafan Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 No. You are not being a bitch. He is being a bit insensitive. Have you talked with him about how you feel? There are a lot of men out there though that do this kind of thing and frankly I don't get it. Not when you have a baby at home that young. He needs to grow up.
norajane Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 When you say you are jealous, is it jealousy of other women he might be potentially meeting/flirting with at the bars, or jealousy of his relative freedom to be out and about while you don't have the same luxury as a new mum? I think if he is doing this often, then you have a right to be concerned and to discuss it with him. Try not to do it in a confrontational way - tell him that you are lonely without him when he is out and you, tell him that you would like to go out on occasion - maybe not for hours and hours because of the feeding - and need him to take care of the baby so you can get some adult time to yourself with your friends. He might not realize how you feel about this, so talking to him is always a good start.
Lennox Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 Your daughter needs her daddy to spend time with her and bond with her as much and as early as possible. He can't do that if he's going to bars. If the baby is asleep when he gets home at night, then is he getting up when she gets up to spend time with her before work? I doubt it if he doesn't get home til the wee hours of the morning. Time for him to grow up. He's got a baby of his own to bond with and take care of. His buddies might be nice guys, but they just don't get it if they aren't married themselves or have babies to take care of.
Author avasmomman06 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 well in his defense (which is why i kinda feel like a b*tch) he only goes out like once a week. I feel jealous because, yes, he does have that freedom of being able to go out. But on the other hand, i'm kind of weary as to if there are drunken girls hanging around him and what kind of influence these guys he's going out with has on him. Does this mean i don't trust him? He just doesn't understand why it matters if he's married and is out late. And when he leaves, the baby is usually asleep already so thats another thing he doesn't get that i become mad at. It just doesn't make sense to me, seeing a man married with a 4 month old baby out in bars til real late at night...even if it is just once a week.
milvushina Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 How come you can't get a babysitter or let him stay with the baby, without you, just for a few hours? I don't have any babies, but I've babysat really young nephews, and my mom is keeping a baby this Saturday night that's four months old. I think I would be jealous too, if my husband got to go out with his friends and I never did. You can be a responsible parent, and still go out and have fun occasionally. I think it is only fair if you get to do this, too.
Author avasmomman06 Posted March 7, 2007 Author Posted March 7, 2007 How come you can't get a babysitter or let him stay with the baby, without you, just for a few hours? i nurse and she eats so often, i'm unable to pump i'm gonna be weaning her when she's 6 months and thats only a month and a half away, so things will change then
Oper Edei Deixai Posted March 8, 2007 Posted March 8, 2007 I am actually very familiar with your situation and know exactly how you are feeling, but from a guy's perspective. A few years ago, right after my daughter was born, my wife was working as a waitress at a restaurant/bar 4-5 days a week. Her shifts started at 5-5:30 and got done at 12-12:30. I was working full time (8-5, M-F) and on the nights that she was at the restaurant the neighbor girl would come over to watch our son (then 2) and our baby daughter until I got home. I would make them supper, play with them, do the house chores and get them to bed. It kind of sucked that my wife and I didn't get to see much of each other because of our schedules, but you do what you have to when you're starting out. The problem came in when my wife began hanging out with her wait staff friends from the restaurant after work to "wind down". Often these after-work get togethers would last until 2:00 AM. I hated that she opted to hang out with them instead of me, and was jealous of her free time (since I had none of my own). I also hated that I began to mistrust her motives for going out after work and wondered if she had something going on with a guy from work. I think what bothered me the most was that by the time she was done with work, the kids were definitely sleeping and it was our only chance to have some together time, and she instead opted to spend that time with work buddies. After a great many other issues and her ultimately cheating on me on a couple one-night stands (that had nothing to do with work, BTW) we did MC. When I brought up the going out after work thing to the counselor, she said that in the restaurant business it was very normal to go out for drinks after work and I was being unreasonable if I wished to deny her that. (this brings up the fact that my W and I have been to MC on several occasions and EVERY one of them has spent time equal parts on listening to my wife's gripes about me and equal part asking me to explain my actions and how I intended to remedy the situation. I refuse to see MCs any more.) So I see where you're coming from, but as to how to solve it is a little more tricky. If it's jealousy that you're dealing with, then it's time to spend a night a week out with the girlfriends. Over the course of a week you could easily pump/freeze enough breast milk for an entire night out. Daddy can stay home and bond with your daughter. If it's lonliness/lack of together time you're dealing with, that should be dealt with head-on (talking) and you should reach a compromise of some sort that involves him curtailing his guys-night-outs. If it's distrust then you need to ask yourself why you don't trust him and do some more self-evaluation (i.e. has he given you a reason not to trust him other than the late nights? Am I insecure about his love for me? What does that say about my love for him?) Hope my ramblings help.
lrae Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Be careful!! His choosing to spend his downtime away from you and your family can be DANGEROUS. My husband frequently (1-2 times/week) went out for drinks with the guys after work - he doesn't anymore! I was never the type to begrudge him his time with his buddies but I know now that this can be done in more marriage/family supporting ways. My danger story - I discovered that my husband was having a relationship with another woman. How I found out - he was charged with an impaired while driving her home. At that time we had a year and a half old son and I was ~3 months pregnant with our second child. The morning after picking him up at the police station there was a call to his cell. Nobody spoke after I answered it. Something clicked. I had seen this number before. I called it back and a girl answered - when I spoke she hung up again. It was so sad. Devastating in fact. I found out that the man I deeply loved had been having a "close friendship" with another girl for the past year. Thay had been calling each other, text messaging, and meeting with a group for drinks on a daily basis. Marriages change with the introduction of children - don't lose contact with him. And as a woman quit doing a number on yourself! No it is not *itchy to expect your husband to spend downtime with you and your children. The two of you may want to visit the real reasons for his wanting to go out with the guys. Also - be careful you aren't placing the blame on the buddies vs. your husband. He's the one making these choices.
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